She is going to get married

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

5 years RS NC ST 4 month since the break up . now she wants to marry someone , after many contradictions from her

Out of the blue she said she is going to get married ,while I can't still yet get romantic with anyone .she hid that or lied about it since the break up kept me on a rope on the back burner , denied that she did  she spoke soft when she needed something etc... .

What a bomb she pulled on me yesterday I think she is lying because I said no to her needs .wish full thinking

but I got use to the hurt , she could have saved me a lot of suffering since the break up but she dragged me along and

but I am strong enough to let it go and continue my recovering process I don't think it's the end of it from her end yet.

What kind  of love they have to us ?

[guy4caligirl]

5 years RS NC ST 4 month since the break up . now she wants to marry someone , after many contradictions from her

Out of the blue she said she is going to get married ,while I can't still yet get romantic with anyone .she hid that or lied about it since the break up kept me on a rope on the back burner , denied that she did  she spoke soft when she needed something etc... .

What a bomb she pulled on me yesterday I think she is lying because I said no to her needs .wish full thinking

but I got use to the hurt , she could have saved me a lot of suffering since the break up but she dragged me along and

but I am strong enough to let it go and continue my recovering process I don't think it's the end of it from her end yet.

What kind  of love they have to us ?

[SlyQQ]

people with BPD cant love someone else they have been hurt so badly they will never love again it is all smoke an mirrors they are trying to love themselves probably the first step to really loving someone else but unable to accompliosh that use other people as a proxy to do it for them

[Aussie0zborn]

Well said, Slyqq. They don't love - it's all smoke and mirrors.

You actually set yourself up for further pain by maintaining contact after separation. And you're right, it's not the end from her but she won't end it for you, this is something you need to do by yourself.

She's getting married and you can't even have a relationship right now. Does this sound fair to you? Can you see the damage she's done to you? Did you really deserve this? Are you ready to go no contact and do some work on yourself to end this saga?

[Heartbroken Eagle]

My ex is getting married, in a couple of weeks. Spent 12 years with her. She is marrying not the bloke she had the affair with, but another guy she met on the internet. They got engaged within 4 months of meeting.

I have to see her when I drop off my son. I look in her eyes and you know what, she does not look happy at all.

I firmly that what Slyqq has said is true. I don't think she knows the meaning of true love. When she say 'I do'  to her wedding vows, I know that will be her next big lie.

But she is not my problem anymore.

I'm still not dating yet. Not ready yet, although we split 21 months ago. She drained all my confidence out of me. Working on myself first, did'nt realised just how screwed up I am thanks to her.

But I need to believe that I will be a better and stronger person from this experience.

[Skip]

She is going to get married.

Is this true?  You seem uncertain.

Do they really loves us or pretend they do .

Well said, Slyqq. They don't love - it's all smoke and mirrors.

Question: Does your ex-girlfriend love you?

Answer: Not enough to continue the relationship you had.  She moved.  She cut communications way back.  It's 5 months now.  :)oesn't this say it all?  She doesn't have to be gone - she choses it.  Whatever contact she makes, doesn't change this.  I know it's hard to see it laid out like this.

Question: Did your ex-girlfriend love you?

Answer: You probably know the answer.  She stayed with you for 5 years.  Why?  Was she only there to be provided for?  Was she afraid to go out on her own?  Or was it more?  

And how much more?  :)id she love you as much as you loved her?  Was it less - was there a power imbalance?

Question: Why did she leave? 

Answer: She has diagnosed BPD so we know that she fights between wanting to be loved and being fearful of being vulnerable to love - so its push and pull all the way.


Losing someone we love is really hard - really hard.  With BPD the end is often a surprise as we become conditioned in the relationship to believe this is a very special bond, and we learn to accept in catastrophic conditions (e.g., love/hate, push/pull) as a norm - not the precarious situations they really are.

Hold on to yourself, guy4caligirl.  We're all in this together.

[clydegriffith]

Don't be surprised. It's always something drastic.

The BPDx was engaged a few months after our b/u. That didn't last very long as just a couple of months afte getting engaged she was pregnant with a different guy's kid.

[Mutt]

Out of the blue

A segment of the disorder is impulsivity. Basing her feelings in the moment rather than long term. She may say something contradictory in hours or days based on what she feels.

As Skip says, you suffered great loss and it is very hard with someone with BPD. We're all in this together. Hang in there.

[guy4caligirl]

Well after we started working together from far she seemed very happy and excited to her job back it has been a week that we've been doing that mostly business talk like stressed so hard about boundaries but if I broke it she warns me but it was ok for her to do so , I even created a lie to say that I am seeing someone just to make feel better and agree with her on business only .

On this past  Sunday night we text late at night I even told her we can't do it she insisted we can and seem very encouraging , I had my doubts that she could be playing me I ask if she is seeing  some she in capitol letter that she is not .I told her the same thing I am not seeing anyone so she said let's get on the roll Monday morning , I threw in I  love you , she goes I love you too.

Monday morning she seemed to be confused very ,talking about making her room a bit more personal painting it , then switched  to , oh I need to find a studio I want to live alone I said how you're going to pay for from the two hundred a week pay from me you need two jobs for that she goes that's where you come in the picture Ha?

I had enough there I was very patient practice set pretty good did not fall for her agitated voice or angry ,

I threw this on her saying look if you don't move back here it's not going to work . I knew what I as getting into she affirmed that she was not going to do that and said why deal with her helping me with the business I don't need her I can do it on my own.

I ended the phone conversation she started texting ,I told u its only business I said I don't want to go that route talked about what if ii seriously find some from here to January how is that new person would take it I am going with my ex for a buying trip checking two room ?

She said its ok if she doesn't understand is her problem wow and she can do it no problems at all okay , I asked her about helping her and give it another chance come back to what you loved here once and reclaim your position  !  suddenly I will change my number she said you lie you , always been a liar and there after she send this "actually I am the liar .I am blissfully happy with a man i'm about to marry so you see god did answer my prayers , I longed to meet someone who treated me as I deserve  and he does I wanted a man that makes me laugh more than I cried , I found him so please now you must let me go .

Wow this was going on for a while then but really it's BS I don't believe her .I just stopped texting and let her know that I am going to Lowes to get some stuff life goes on for me , no respond .

I sent her a pic of what I bought within seconds she replies its too late .she was just waiting for me to text that took a 2 hours after my last text to her .

any ways I have had it I thought to get in details for you all since it's my last time posting about her , and texted her this morning and said look I will give you to Sunday after thanks giving if you don't come back I am going to have a relationship funeral and throw the ashes in the ocean .

All she responded is blame me bombarded by her nasty defensive texts and I replied looks like you are the angry one not me you better look in yourself .

Thank you for reading this words of encouragement are greatly appreciated thanks again I am 75% recovered I  did prepare myself to that day the last piece of the puzzle .

[guy4caligirl]

Out of the blue

A segment of the disorder is impulsivity. Basing her feelings in the moment rather than long term. She may say something contradictory in hours or days based on what she feels.

As Skip says, you suffered great loss and it is very hard with someone with BPD. We're all in this together. Hang in there.

Thank you Mutt please read what I just posted it's long but I vented out and that's what we are here for ,thanks again looks like I am back on your board haha

[Mutt]

I even created a lie to say that I am seeing someone just to make feel better and agree with her on business only .

Here's my opinion. I think you triggered her by lying about someone else.

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD.

I think you're both attached.

All she responded is blame me bombarded by her nasty defensive texts and I replied looks like you are the angry one not me you better look in yourself .

Projection is one of the big three with a pwBPD. Projection is taking a negative feeling or action and attributing it to someone else. You triggered anger. She fears abandonment.

I think she's feeling engulfed and needs space. Respect that. I suggest not saying anything personal and don't fabricate that your seeing someone else. Figure out what you truly feel if you want to detach.

Take BPD out of the equation. She is a person. A person that feels more intensely than you. Give her some room for now. I hope that helps.

[enlighten me]

My ex wife remarried this year. 3 days after the wedding she was messaging me about their problems. 2 days after the wedding she was going to leave her husband.

Dont take it personally when they meet someone else they are like tarzan swinging through the jungle. If they dont have a vine to grab onto they will plunge to their deaths. Your replacement is just the next vine in line before they reach out for the next one.

[guy4caligirl]

Well said, Slyqq. They don't love - it's all smoke and mirrors.

You actually set yourself up for further pain by maintaining contact after separation. And you're right, it's not the end from her but she won't end it for you, this is something you need to do by yourself.

She's getting married and you can't even have a relationship right now. Does this sound fair to you? Can you see the damage she's done to you? Did you really deserve this? Are you ready to go no contact and do some work on yourself to end this saga?

Aussie

I really in a way enjoyed the process of still in less contact during the separation , I have been on this site day and night as time permits , I loved the experience of dealing with her $hit after she wasn't around me I saw things and acts from far that I did not see when I was in yes I learned more sorry but my empathy shows here , I feel so bad for her jumping into something that she thinks is good and say god sent him I don't know about that now !

I feel her sorrow her agony no money living in a small room a part of a house downtown getting colder by the day , refusing what I say the grace of god to live with me with just enjoy what she is good at fashion. But yet she prefers to say I am getting married and if you read my long post you will notice that I think it was a lie to hurt me more but guess what i showed her i am not angry she is . and she complains that she have a bad mattress a twin size a hundred bucks that she wants me to give her where is this prince that want to marry her why don't he buys her one , contradiction contradiction .

I am 80 % on my recovery process i prepared my self for that Aussie , i am fine with it if i have a moment or two to get sad it's ok life goes on without drama anymore .

[guy4caligirl]

I even created a lie to say that I am seeing someone just to make feel better and agree with her on business only .

Here's my opinion. I think you triggered her by lying about someone else.

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD.

I think you're both attached.

All she responded is blame me bombarded by her nasty defensive texts and I replied looks like you are the angry one not me you better look in yourself .

Projection is one of the big three with a pwBPD. Projection is taking a negative feeling or action and attributing it to someone else. You triggered anger. She fears abandonment.

I think she's feeling engulfed and needs space. Respect that. I suggest not saying anything personal and don't fabricate that your seeing someone else. Figure out what you truly feel if you want to detach.

Take BPD out of the equation. She is a person. A person that feels more intensely than you. Give her some room for now. I hope that helps.

Mutt i have had it i am a confident guy i did not want continue on this business only . so yes i had to push her buttons after i practiced set i think she is attached but afraid maybe i really don't know but honestly it's her problem not mine i hope she will see the light before i really find someone else .

[guy4caligirl]

I even created a lie to say that I am seeing someone just to make feel better and agree with her on business only .

Here's my opinion. I think you triggered her by lying about someone else.

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD.

I think you're both attached.

All she responded is blame me bombarded by her nasty defensive texts and I replied looks like you are the angry one not me you better look in yourself .

Projection is one of the big three with a pwBPD. Projection is taking a negative feeling or action and attributing it to someone else. You triggered anger. She fears abandonment.

I think she's feeling engulfed and needs space. Respect that. I suggest not saying anything personal and don't fabricate that your seeing someone else. Figure out what you truly feel if you want to detach.

Take BPD out of the equation. She is a person. A person that feels more intensely than you. Give her some room for now. I hope that helps.

Mutt i have had it i am a confident guy i did not want continue on this business only . so yes i had to push her buttons after i practiced set i think she is attached but afraid maybe i really don't know but honestly it's her problem not mine i hope she will see the light before i really find someone else .

i know quicksilver is a surf line but what do you mean by that ?

[guy4caligirl]

I even created a lie to say that I am seeing someone just to make feel better and agree with her on business only .

Here's my opinion. I think you triggered her by lying about someone else.

Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD.

I think you're both attached.

All she responded is blame me bombarded by her nasty defensive texts and I replied looks like you are the angry one not me you better look in yourself .

Projection is one of the big three with a pwBPD. Projection is taking a negative feeling or action and attributing it to someone else. You triggered anger. She fears abandonment.

I think she's feeling engulfed and needs space. Respect that. I suggest not saying anything personal and don't fabricate that your seeing someone else. Figure out what you truly feel if you want to detach.

Take BPD out of the equation. She is a person. A person that feels more intensely than you. Give her some room for now. I hope that helps.

Mutt i have had it i am a confident guy i did not want continue on this business only . so yes i had to push her buttons after i practiced set i think she is attached but afraid maybe i really don't know but honestly it's her problem not mine i hope she will see the light before i really find someone else .

i looked it up thank you but whoever is reading may not know what is it too

something that moves or changes very quickly or that is difficult to hold or contain.

[Mutt]

By pushing buttons guy4caligirl you are hurting each other. Someone has to stop the cycle of conflict. As much as she'd like to stop she is mentally ill. Identify what your triggers are and work on them. Let go or be dragged. If you're done. Detach. Attachment leads to suffering.


--Mutt

[guy4caligirl]

By pushing buttons guy4caligirl you are hurting each other. Someone has to stop the cycle of conflict. As much as she'd like to stop she is mentally ill. Identify what your triggers are and work on them. Let go or be dragged. If you're done. Detach. Attachment leads to suffering.


--Mutt

You are absolutely right Mutt  , i thing triggers are like walking on eggs again , i really want to completely detach and go NC for ever ,may God help me stick with it and all of you here .

Thank you for your constant support i am going NC i don't want to hurt or hurt her anymore who ever said it's a losing battle  was absolutely right i had lived it  for 4 months the best win is to go NC .

Guy4caligirl .

[Mutt]

You are absolutely right Mutt  , i thing triggers are like walking on eggs again , i really want to completely detach and go NC for ever ,may God help me stick with it and all of you here .

Thank you for your constant support i am going NC i don't want to hurt or hurt her anymore who ever said it's a losing battle  was absolutely right i had lived it  for 4 months the best win is to go NC .

Guy4caligirl .

[Skip]

Thank you for your constant support i am going NC i don't want to hurt or hurt her anymore who ever said it's a losing battle  was absolutely right i had lived it  for 4 months the best win is to go NC .

Guy4caligirl .

The best win is to detach, Guy4caligirl.  Detach.

You are 4 months apart, living in separate states, there have been periods of silent treatment (no contact) and look how connected you are.

No contact at this point is fools gold. You can abstain endlessly - but this stops spinning when you let go of the hope that she will change, everything will change.  As long as you hold onto this, it will be painful.

I'm not suggesting that staying in contact is the answer.  I am saying that emotionally letting go is the solution - the NC or CC is incidental.

This is about you and your false hopes.

You are not alone, we all have them.  I had them.  But this is ground zero - not no contact.

[guy4caligirl]

I was in a great mood earlier but , she texted me and said she is sorry and bunch of lies , wow how can they do that but I know the answer they are mentally  sick I really hate it  for these replacements sooner or latter they are going to be on here so sorry for them I wish there is a way to alert them .

[myself]

She would have already changed if she was going to.

Accepted your offers, come back, been honest, etc.

Ultimatums aren't going to work. Refine yourself for best results.

[guy4caligirl]

She would have already changed if she was going to.

Accepted your offers, come back, been honest, etc.

Ultimatums aren't going to work. Refine yourself for best results.

Thank you for your advise I looked up ultimatums and learned something today .

Please shed a light onto  me on how I could refine myself for better result ?

And how can I stop thinking that I still am her protector and warn her from what is she feeling now to another guy is just like heading to another disaster she is well aware of her BPD traits ?

Thank you in advance .

[Blimblam]

It's not fair guy4!

It's not fair at all. You are still in the FOG buddy. I still go back there sometimes when I work through difficult emotions.  When I process the truama from this the FOG comes back and sometimes I want to reach out to my ex but it has never given me the validation or answers I looked for. What it did do is trigger my exs shame and cause her to respond defensively further pushing her away and causing me more pain. 

I can feel you trying to make sense of why. 

There has been a few breakthrough moment in my recovery. The who in my family my ex reminds me of moment. 

Then another one which is to remember the far away look in her eyes.  There is a moment she enters te void before she dicides how to act.  This fearful sad look like she is a million miles away.  It's all stored in your subconious these facial expressions.  Most of my big moments of understaning what happened had to do with remembering the look in here eyes and connecting to that part in myself. 

These bonds go deep attaching to archIac memories in us.  We are afraid to go to this place in ourselves also. The problem is I realized is I covered the faraway eyes memories with the reward she would give me for comforting her through those periods.  Remember the look in her eyes. Forget the words just the look in her eyes.

Then what helped me was feeling the pain in my chest.  I would just lay their feeling it. 

Then the last ingredient would be to listen to music that really made me cry especially something with lyrics I could sing along to.

Their would be moments when I was crying to music and the pain in my chest intense emotions and memories of eyes all coalesced and that's how I got my answers. 

Studying the disorder and the tools on this site help a lot too especially the validation and support.  Ultimately though there is nothing anyone can say to tell you what to do. And if you made a desicion based on what someone else told you to do you wouldn't be validating yourself.

The answers and solutions are within you. That's where you have to find it. And I know that sounds abstract.  I am not talking about self hypnosis self talk, though that can help too.  I am talking about emotional memories linked to visual symbols. 

The key visual symbol for me to make sense of has been the faraway eyes. Into the void. The abyss.  That's where you need to go that's where the answers are.

Stay with the pain. Lean into it. Remember the far away eyes.  And find some sing alongs to cry too. I recommend the song sleeping beauty by A perfect circle.

That's the recipe for some pretty life changing ipiphanies for me.  Hopefully it will help you.

Were in this together man!

[Blimblam]

There is also another visual symbol and if your ex was a into drawing she may have drawn it.  A dead empty lifeless eye.  The dragons eye, the eye of sauron. An eye void of life.  I have known 3 different borderline girls that had essentially the same drawing style and they all would draw this eye I knew a borderline guy and he also drew this eye.  It's like a lizards eye. In egyption symbolism it's the empty eye of wedjot. Thoth fills this eye and it becomes the eye of Horus.  It is a dead empty lifeless crying eye void of emotions.

[guy4caligirl]

It's not fair guy4!

It's not fair at all. You are still in the FOG buddy. I still go back there sometimes when I work through difficult emotions.  When I process the truama from this the FOG comes back and sometimes I want to reach out to my ex but it has never given me the validation or answers I looked for. What it did do is trigger my exs shame and cause her to respond defensively further pushing her away and causing me more pain. 

I can feel you trying to make sense of why. 

There has been a few breakthrough moment in my recovery. The who in my family my ex reminds me of moment. 

Then another one which is to remember the far away look in her eyes.  There is a moment she enters te void before she dicides how to act.  This fearful sad look like she is a million miles away.  It's all stored in your subconious these facial expressions.  Most of my big moments of understaning what happened had to do with remembering the look in here eyes and connecting to that part in myself. 

These bonds go deep attaching to archIac memories in us.  We are afraid to go to this place in ourselves also. The problem is I realized is I covered the faraway eyes memories with the reward she would give me for comforting her through those periods.  Remember the look in her eyes. Forget the words just the look in her eyes.

Then what helped me was feeling the pain in my chest.  I would just lay their feeling it. 

Then the last ingredient would be to listen to music that really made me cry especially something with lyrics I could sing along to.

Their would be moments when I was crying to music and the pain in my chest intense emotions and memories of eyes all coalesced and that's how I got my answers. 

Studying the disorder and the tools on this site help a lot too especially the validation and support.  Ultimately though there is nothing anyone can say to tell you what to do. And if you made a desicion based on what someone else told you to do you wouldn't be validating yourself.

The answers and solutions are within you. That's where you have to find it. And I know that sounds abstract.  I am not talking about self hypnosis self talk, though that can help too.  I am talking about emotional memories linked to visual symbols. 

The key visual symbol for me to make sense of has been the faraway eyes. Into the void. The abyss.  That's where you need to go that's where the answers are.

Stay with the pain. Lean into it. Remember the far away eyes.  And find some sing alongs to cry too. I recommend the song sleeping beauty by A perfect circle.

That's the recipe for some pretty life changing ipiphanies for me.  Hopefully it will help you.

Were in this together man!


Thank you BLIMBLAM indeed we are I really would just wonder how long would have took me to recover if I never found this site !

But why didn't I never googled even for one tiny time through five years she asked me in the first year to learn how to coop with a BPD I guess I was not believing that this thing even exist but I now not wish but I should have looked up it might have made a difference like take this for an example all of us on here want to tell them what they know about BPD after learning on here but guess what they are not ready to hear your sh$t about the disorder , I wonder when and why would they not get help or when ?