Lessons Learned

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone!

I came across this website and have loomed over it for a few months now after my trips to my therapist. I'm grateful not only for my T, but also that these message boards exist to help others such as myself who have dealt with someone with BPD. So in a way I would like to thank all of those who contribute, as it has been a tremendous help in my own future endeavors!

I'll share what my experiences were with my now ex wife. I've been told by the T that I am codependent and have a bit of a love addiction. The unfortunate side effect of compartmentalizing what tiny bits of good there were and completely ignoring the bad. We were together for two years and married for a little over one. I haven't seen her in about 6 months and have been no contact for 3 of those. Like most others in my situation she found a replacement within two weeks of moving out of the house. What started out as a "separation," only lasted long enough for someone to step in and be the rescuer. What became clear to me at this point is when I first met her we were both coming out of engagements that she immediately latched on to me even though her relationship was not actually over. Two weeks into knowing her I was already being told that she loved me. This of course should of been my first   . As we all know though, this sort of infatuation makes you feel like a king/queen. It does fill that void especially when I am a codependent. There were things that struck me as odd from the beginning. Her ex put up no fight for her whatsoever, almost as if he was thrilled to see her gone. I could never figure out why her dad and several members of her family wanted little to do with her. I fully understand now because they have all been subject to her true nature. She fooled not only me, but my family as well.

The eggshells were there from the beginning. She laid traps without me even know it. For example a small pointless question such as "who do you think is the prettiest celebrity?" I of course answer with said random actress, which in her eyes becomes my ideal woman. I was also never allowed to watch a movie with this actress in it again without her pitching a fit. Shows with nudity were all described as pornography. The trust was never there from the beginning. Always accused me of wanting to be with my friends wives. When alcohol was thrown into the mix, it was followed with questions like "why doesn't my daddy love me," or "I just want to die". There were two instances where she had a butchers knife. Both times I was able to calm her down and remove it. She eventually became physically abusive. I never could figure out why these things kept happening. I always ended up apologizing for whatever reason just to get moment of rage to pass. I never understood why she was unable to maintain friendships. We all know though, that once you cross her once, you are painted black.

Let me throw a wrench into this all now. From what I've seen most of you on these boards were the victims of your spouse cheating on you. My so called black moment came after I had become so fed up with all the accusations and negativity that I had began talking to another women behind her back. She was an old friend of mine from out of town. It felt good to talk to someone who wasn't ripping my head off constantly. It felt good to be complimented. I never physically cheated on her but nonetheless it's the same when it's all said and done. She found out about it. Looking back it may of been a blessing in disguise for me, as it pushed my marriage over the edge and I may of never realized how truly unhappy I was. I have never in my life done such a thing and I still feel guilty about it to this day. Biggest mistake I have ever made but it is what it is now. I stopped all contact with the other woman and still have not talked to her to this very day as well. No amount of counseling or anything was able to bring us back at that point. Truth be told there was nothing to save in the first place. The trips to the therapist became solo trips, and I have been seeing him ever since. He cued me in that she has borderline traits. One of our sessions he informed that I would have to learn to be a doormat if I remained with her. He also told me she will most likely never realize that it is her that alienates her friends, family, and loved ones.

This entire process has opened my eyes to my own issues and how important it is to set boundaries and maintain ones self. I by no means was perfect in my marriage but I also know how unhappy I was and how difficult it became to watch the extreme highs in the beginning just dwindle away into madness. You spend each and every day trying to make them feel better. Let them know how beautiful they are even though she never had the capability to realize that on her own accord. Constant affirmation... .day after day... the same thing over and over and over. You become them. You become depressed and anxious. You lose yourself completely in trying to make this person happy. The hardest part for me is even after that I still long for her. It has become easier over time. At one point I loved her but I have figured out that this longing is a result of my need to have someone around and someone to take care of. I understand too that she may have loved me in the moment, but it is a love that is also driven by a need to fill a void that more then likely will never be filled. I suppose that is why she has been single for 1 month since the age of 16. She goes through the same motions and will continue to repeat with the same results. I feel sorry for her and would love nothing more then to help her. Another lesson learned, you can't help people who are unwilling to help themselves. In the end we can strive to help someone feel better, guide them, listen, etc... .but ultimately they are responsible for their own emotions. Just as I am now responsible to make changes to myself. This may sound simple and obviously easier said then done, but for anyone having a weak moment, ask yourself what you would say to your best friend if he were in the situation? Use this information and apply it to yourself. Obviously these boards are perfect for this! That overwhelming pain that hits in our down moments comes from the heart. Instead trust your instincts and try to understand that this is what is truly best for you. The most important thing is to focus on yourself as I have been trying to do. I have been able to do things I wasn't able to do for the last three years now and it's wonderful.

Even though I have my own issues and baggage that will transition into a new relationship, I'm happy that I have been able to identify the root causes of it all. With that understanding I can improve and to my very best to avoid getting back into a similar situations. I apologize for the length but again I wanted to express how much this message board has helped me! There is light at the end of the tunnel folks! Time heals all wounds and it does get better!

P.S. Dating sites... .yep... .absolutely terrified of them!

[errando.discimus]

Hello everyone!

I came across this website and have loomed over it for a few months now after my trips to my therapist. I'm grateful not only for my T, but also that these message boards exist to help others such as myself who have dealt with someone with BPD. So in a way I would like to thank all of those who contribute, as it has been a tremendous help in my own future endeavors!

I'll share what my experiences were with my now ex wife. I've been told by the T that I am codependent and have a bit of a love addiction. The unfortunate side effect of compartmentalizing what tiny bits of good there were and completely ignoring the bad. We were together for two years and married for a little over one. I haven't seen her in about 6 months and have been no contact for 3 of those. Like most others in my situation she found a replacement within two weeks of moving out of the house. What started out as a "separation," only lasted long enough for someone to step in and be the rescuer. What became clear to me at this point is when I first met her we were both coming out of engagements that she immediately latched on to me even though her relationship was not actually over. Two weeks into knowing her I was already being told that she loved me. This of course should of been my first   . As we all know though, this sort of infatuation makes you feel like a king/queen. It does fill that void especially when I am a codependent. There were things that struck me as odd from the beginning. Her ex put up no fight for her whatsoever, almost as if he was thrilled to see her gone. I could never figure out why her dad and several members of her family wanted little to do with her. I fully understand now because they have all been subject to her true nature. She fooled not only me, but my family as well.

The eggshells were there from the beginning. She laid traps without me even know it. For example a small pointless question such as "who do you think is the prettiest celebrity?" I of course answer with said random actress, which in her eyes becomes my ideal woman. I was also never allowed to watch a movie with this actress in it again without her pitching a fit. Shows with nudity were all described as pornography. The trust was never there from the beginning. Always accused me of wanting to be with my friends wives. When alcohol was thrown into the mix, it was followed with questions like "why doesn't my daddy love me," or "I just want to die". There were two instances where she had a butchers knife. Both times I was able to calm her down and remove it. She eventually became physically abusive. I never could figure out why these things kept happening. I always ended up apologizing for whatever reason just to get moment of rage to pass. I never understood why she was unable to maintain friendships. We all know though, that once you cross her once, you are painted black.

Let me throw a wrench into this all now. From what I've seen most of you on these boards were the victims of your spouse cheating on you. My so called black moment came after I had become so fed up with all the accusations and negativity that I had began talking to another women behind her back. She was an old friend of mine from out of town. It felt good to talk to someone who wasn't ripping my head off constantly. It felt good to be complimented. I never physically cheated on her but nonetheless it's the same when it's all said and done. She found out about it. Looking back it may of been a blessing in disguise for me, as it pushed my marriage over the edge and I may of never realized how truly unhappy I was. I have never in my life done such a thing and I still feel guilty about it to this day. Biggest mistake I have ever made but it is what it is now. I stopped all contact with the other woman and still have not talked to her to this very day as well. No amount of counseling or anything was able to bring us back at that point. Truth be told there was nothing to save in the first place. The trips to the therapist became solo trips, and I have been seeing him ever since. He cued me in that she has borderline traits. One of our sessions he informed that I would have to learn to be a doormat if I remained with her. He also told me she will most likely never realize that it is her that alienates her friends, family, and loved ones.

This entire process has opened my eyes to my own issues and how important it is to set boundaries and maintain ones self. I by no means was perfect in my marriage but I also know how unhappy I was and how difficult it became to watch the extreme highs in the beginning just dwindle away into madness. You spend each and every day trying to make them feel better. Let them know how beautiful they are even though she never had the capability to realize that on her own accord. Constant affirmation... .day after day... the same thing over and over and over. You become them. You become depressed and anxious. You lose yourself completely in trying to make this person happy. The hardest part for me is even after that I still long for her. It has become easier over time. At one point I loved her but I have figured out that this longing is a result of my need to have someone around and someone to take care of. I understand too that she may have loved me in the moment, but it is a love that is also driven by a need to fill a void that more then likely will never be filled. I suppose that is why she has been single for 1 month since the age of 16. She goes through the same motions and will continue to repeat with the same results. I feel sorry for her and would love nothing more then to help her. Another lesson learned, you can't help people who are unwilling to help themselves. In the end we can strive to help someone feel better, guide them, listen, etc... .but ultimately they are responsible for their own emotions. Just as I am now responsible to make changes to myself. This may sound simple and obviously easier said then done, but for anyone having a weak moment, ask yourself what you would say to your best friend if he were in the situation? Use this information and apply it to yourself. Obviously these boards are perfect for this! That overwhelming pain that hits in our down moments comes from the heart. Instead trust your instincts and try to understand that this is what is truly best for you. The most important thing is to focus on yourself as I have been trying to do. I have been able to do things I wasn't able to do for the last three years now and it's wonderful.

Even though I have my own issues and baggage that will transition into a new relationship, I'm happy that I have been able to identify the root causes of it all. With that understanding I can improve and to my very best to avoid getting back into a similar situations. I apologize for the length but again I wanted to express how much this message board has helped me! There is light at the end of the tunnel folks! Time heals all wounds and it does get better!

P.S. Dating sites... .yep... .absolutely terrified of them!