Friends I had to leave behind

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just expressing something that is really bothering me, while I'm trying to work it all out... .

I left my friends behind because BPDx was intimidating, controlling, and possessive.

Loyalty, dependability as a friend is so important to me. And I was selective, had just a few, really special people in my life as I was living quietly, had a lot of things to focus on.

But there was so much to deal with, life was fraught, intense, as soon as I agreed to be his partner.

Everything had to bend to his way, or there would be repercussions... .

Now, it is over and I feel guilty.

The truth is, most of the friends I left behind (18 months ago) would pick up where we left off. One already has, but it was easier to make contact as she is female. 

I am still afraid to contact male friends, as if he still 'owns' my life in some way.

And there is one who took it hard, who didn't understand (I explained to them all, right at the beginning that it was due to partner's trust issues and that I would get back to them asap, but this friend didn't give that idea a chance).

I guess that, in this instance, maybe the BPDx was correct in feeling threatened by that friend's true intentions with me?

[smoocher]

Just expressing something that is really bothering me, while I'm trying to work it all out... .

I left my friends behind because BPDx was intimidating, controlling, and possessive.

Loyalty, dependability as a friend is so important to me. And I was selective, had just a few, really special people in my life as I was living quietly, had a lot of things to focus on.

But there was so much to deal with, life was fraught, intense, as soon as I agreed to be his partner.

Everything had to bend to his way, or there would be repercussions... .

Now, it is over and I feel guilty.

The truth is, most of the friends I left behind (18 months ago) would pick up where we left off. One already has, but it was easier to make contact as she is female. 

I am still afraid to contact male friends, as if he still 'owns' my life in some way.

And there is one who took it hard, who didn't understand (I explained to them all, right at the beginning that it was due to partner's trust issues and that I would get back to them asap, but this friend didn't give that idea a chance).

I guess that, in this instance, maybe the BPDx was correct in feeling threatened by that friend's true intentions with me?

[Pingo]

Hi smoocher, welcome to BPD family!  I think many will be able to relate to your story, it is a common theme among these boards that people give up friendships to try to please their partners.  Mine was super jealous and I gave up a couple of male friendships early on, he had made it so impossible to not.  Often when we share our experience with friends we've neglected they'll find it in their heart to welcome you back into their lives, can't hurt to reach out and find out. 

I decided to lay low and not reignite any male friendships for the time being as I'm not sure what my ex will do if he catches wind of any men in my life, even if they are just friends.  Do you have any of these concerns?  Could this be causing your feelings that he still 'owns' your life?

[thatwasthat]

This happened to me too.

I had a lot of friends and was very liked everywhere. She didn't really tell me to give up friendships.

It just came oh so naturally with the entire situation. When I woke up in the nightmare... .guess what... ."hey I'm isolated!"

But I can reassure you.

The handful of real close friends never really wanted an explanation. I just eased back into the friendships, gave them explanations as time went by. They understand and everything is as it was before. Maybe even better, at least on my end. I know I can trust them.

I can also relate to the feeling of almost anxiety making new friends. Not too long ago i felt my phone BURN in my pocket, because I was expecting her to text me any minute requiring immediate attention and making me feel bad for doing things with other people.

I think just being around social settings and dates triggered this anxiety. But the moment you feel it you immediately feel this relief of "ahhhhh not gonna happen. I can talk as much as I want and give this person my full attention."

What can be learned can be unlearned.

[smoocher]

Thankyou for your replies, Pingo and Thatwasthat... .very comforting.

Literally every dodgy experience I've had in this relationship is shared somewhere on this forum. All so same.

I think I will lie low for awhile too, as I don't want to hurt him. I'm not interested in dating, I'm actually still attached to him, in my heart. I was extremely committed, now it's hard to un-commit... .early days yet. But friendships, even those, with males that is, I think that would hurt him and I can wait, so it's not necessary to cause that pain. We are still in contact. The feeling of being owned though, is really all in my head, and my choice, I'm pretty sure. It's my very own anxiety response... my turn! Argh!

Jealousy is just so silly, when someone clearly adores you... but that's BPD. Irrational, somewhat blind, and all the rest.

Of course, I gave my 'power' away -- I handed over my choice-making by trying to assuage his paranoia. I do take responsibility for that. What Thatwasthat says is relevant here too, in that one can unlearn this foolish way of bending to someone's fears.

I do look forward to eventually feeling open and brave enough to let new friends into my heart.