need concrete strategies please

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I posted on the leaving board but didn't get a lot of feedback.

I see my ex (pretty recent breakup) constantly, not bc of children but because we live in the same neighborhood and also have dozens of mutual FB friends.  I'm talking about "sightings" not interactions--but they feel like interactions.

What do you do in the moment when you see your ex and feel sucker-punched?  It sucks the wind out of me every time and interferes with my thinking and functioning for hours afterwards.

Surely there is a magic bullet.  It makes it so hard to stay focused on healing.

[SickofMe]

I posted on the leaving board but didn't get a lot of feedback.

I see my ex (pretty recent breakup) constantly, not bc of children but because we live in the same neighborhood and also have dozens of mutual FB friends.  I'm talking about "sightings" not interactions--but they feel like interactions.

What do you do in the moment when you see your ex and feel sucker-punched?  It sucks the wind out of me every time and interferes with my thinking and functioning for hours afterwards.

Surely there is a magic bullet.  It makes it so hard to stay focused on healing.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi sickofme

I am sorry you are feeling that way. there is nothing quite like a breakup to leave you reeling and seeing them again just makes it even more painful.

I don't have a magic bullet for you I'm afraid but I DO know that the most effective way to deal with feelings is to feel them. Sounds smart-alecky but I really mean it.

It's natural to want to avoid the pain or find ways to assuage it but you may need to just go ahead and sit with it. notice it. let it come in and mess with your heart.

Think all the thoughts that it stirs up without trying to justify or convince or avoid. Feel sad because you ARE sad. Feel disappointed and angry and hopeful and discouraged and all the things you feel.

It doesn't sound like much but it is worth a try

Best of luck

Ziggiddy

[Caredverymuch]

I posted on the leaving board but didn't get a lot of feedback.

I see my ex (pretty recent breakup) constantly, not bc of children but because we live in the same neighborhood and also have dozens of mutual FB friends.  I'm talking about "sightings" not interactions--but they feel like interactions.

What do you do in the moment when you see your ex and feel sucker-punched?  It sucks the wind out of me every time and interferes with my thinking and functioning for hours afterwards.

Surely there is a magic bullet.  It makes it so hard to stay focused on healing.

That is very hard. I experienced the same and still do. In the beginning, it left me in crumbles to see him in passing while he completely ignored my existence. I can recall pulling over off the road and just weeping.  I missed him so greatly, had no closure, was deeply hurting, and he showed no sign of any of this.  As if we never existed.

Farther out, as I am now, I can only tell you to avoid all places you may see one another even in passing. I know its difficult and also unfair to have to alter much about your social circles, etc. But it will only help you. I promise this.

Triggers interrupt healing and keep us codependent to the disorder.  Do all that you can to avoid contact in any way while focusing solely on you.

In time, when you see your ex, you will be healed and wise enough to remain entirely indifferent.  No reaction at all.  Good or bad. As if they never existed.  You remain indifferent and look straight ahead in calmness.   And, although this is not the intention of mentioning this, this will hurt THEM the most of anything you could ever say or do. 

[SickofMe]

Farther out, as I am now, I can only tell you to avoid all places you may see one another even in passing. I know its difficult and also unfair to have to alter much about your social circles, etc. But it will only help you. I promise this.

This is only moderately possible.  I can avoid the grocery store where I'll see him, for instance, but I have to drive the same streets.

I can't avoid the neighborhood because we live here and our kids go to the same schools and have friends in the neighborhood, too.

Here's what's weird:  I really do not want or love him any more.  If I listed the qualities that describe him best (self-pitying, morbidly obese, physically and emotionally unhealthy, self-centered, sexually impotent, financially broke, poor parenting) I can see clearly that he is not the man for me.  If I were to never have another relationship, it would be better than having one with someone who has so little to give.

If I could figure out a way to immediately think THOSE thoughts instead of "OMG, there he is, he didn't really love me," I think it would help.  I'm wondering if I could conjure some sort of ridiculous mental image to help defuse the flood of anxiety the "ex sightings" provoke.

[SickofMe]

let it come in and mess with your heart.

Think all the thoughts that it stirs up without trying to justify or convince or avoid. Feel sad because you ARE sad. Feel disappointed and angry and hopeful and discouraged and all the things you feel.

I'm going to try this some more.  I feel like it's been too long (3 months) to keep feeling all the feelings.  It's more like I've become obsessed and ruminate all the time... .trauma tracks burned into my brain.  I agree with needing to feel the feelings... .I need some control over the thoughts, though.  Not good at compartmentalizing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi SickofMe,

I agree w/Ziggiddy about processing your feelings and have one additional suggestion.  If you find yourself obsessing or ruminating excessively about your Ex, perhaps after some interaction in the neighborhood, you might find it helpful to tell your mind to "cancel" or "delete," and then consciously move on to an image or thought that you find comforting or nurturing.  I know this approach sounds a little weird, but it actually has a scientific basis in research relating to the dichotomy between your right and left brain.  You might give it a try.

Hang in there,

LuckyJim

[SickofMe]

  If you find yourself obsessing or ruminating excessively about your Ex, perhaps after some interaction in the neighborhood, you might find it helpful to tell your mind to "cancel" or "delete," and then consciously move on to an image or thought that you find comforting or nurturing.  I know this approach sounds a little weird, but it actually has a scientific basis in research relating to the dichotomy between your right and left brain.  You might give it a try.

It doesn't sound weird, and I will try it!  I've had a hard time coming up with a comforting image or thought.  That's what I'm working on w my T.  It's weird to know something isn't right, healthy, or happy--or even wanted--but to still feel so upset by it.

[Caredverymuch]

That's what I'm working on w my T.  It's weird to know something isn't right, healthy, or happy--or even wanted--but to still feel so upset by it.[/quote]
Thats due to the trauma. I know we talk about trauma bonds here often and the concept is understood.  But for me, it was quite literally very traumatic to be up and left seemly overnight. And to be entirely cut out of someone whom I deeply loved life for no reason. No closure. I was entirely erased. Out of the blue.  Overnight. The r/s and he just disappeared and never really came back in any other way then baitings.   

That was a very real trauma.  Akin to someone you love being abducted. 

I used EMDR w my T to help with some of what you're feeling. 

I also found utilizing any activity with a repetitive  beat, such as running, to have a similar effect on my brain. 

With EMDR you concentrate on a very hurtful aspect or incident in the r/s.  You are bought very near to the experience w your T and asked to put yourself back in the experience while listening to a recorded pattern on beats with earphones.  Additionally you have the ability to turn the volume and intensity of the beats up to a comfortable/ acceptable place while concentrating on the painful experience. 

I was able to do the same while running utilizing the beats of the foot patterns. 

There's great apps that you can download too.

Hope this was helpful and you will feel better soon.  Keep posting and using the tools.

[SickofMe]

But for me, its quite literally very traumatic to be up and left seemly overnight.

It is traumatic, there is no doubt about it.  It's like watching someone die and not being able to stop it.  Plus it triggers every previous abandonment, rejection, bullying, abuse, etc. one has ever experienced.

You are left with the:  "Is it me?  :)id I do something unforgivable?  Am I so unlovable I don't even deserve a proper burial?"

Thank you for feeling with me.

Oops, I didn't see your edit.  I am doing EMDR, too--it's my second time, my T is using it differently, this time.   I'm not working in the "triage" so much as installing better coping mechanisms.  Most importantly, I think, is we are working on my internalizing an "inner-protector" who is strong and wards off those who would abuse.  Stops them in their tracks.

I have a childhood abuse hx and that part of my ego is weak.  I've been conditioned since birth to not make trouble and to accept all the blame in any conflict.  I recognize that and feel compassion for myself but I AM SICK OF IT.  

P.S.  This is exactly how it happened for me, too: 

And to be entirely cut out of someone whom I deeply loved life for no reason. No closure. I was entirely erased. The r/s and he just disappeared and never really came back in any other way then baitings.   

  I cannot imagine anything more devastating for someone with my psychological makeup.  I'm sorry it happened that way for you, too.  Shattering.

[Hawk Ridge]

I am 7.5 months out, some days good and some days not.  Just got back from seeing my T where I commented about the shame I have in feeling some grief for so long, such jealousy of my replacement when I know she'll get the same treatment (part of me wonders why they are still together). My T was very reassuring that grief is not a timed action, helps lessen my shame.   While I have wanted to get back together, lately I have been less committed to this thought in my mind... .small steps forward.  Anyway, wanted to share that I too am doing EMDR with my therapist.  I think it helps with cognitive restructuring, developing mew neuropathways rathe than being stuck in those well worn tracks of grief. 

I don't know if this helps but, although we live two hours apart, we share Facebook friends.  I have chosen not to defriend her but I do hide her so I don't hsve to see the interactions between her and my replacement.  Yesterday, I looked and it set me back.  Logically, I know they're not doing well cuz she still texts and says she loves me (I choose to think that is as a friend so I keep my expectations low and I want her friendship).  Additionally, she texted me every day saying she loved me, including the morning of the day she told me she fell out of love months ago so, logically, these interactions mean nothing but I don't choose to see them and let them mess with my mind.  My new strategy in the last few weeks is to only go on FB (also referred to as False Beliefs :-D) a fee days a week rather than several times daily.  It is freeing and I feel less engaged in knowing.   Just wanted to share what is helping me. Hope it works for you. Here for you!

[SickofMe]

I have chosen not to defriend her but I do hide her so I don't hsve to see the interactions between her and my replacement.  Yesterday, I looked and it set me back.

Thank you.  My ex and I are no longer FB friends and have taken turns blocking each other (mortifying... .I really don't understand why I do it, or why he does).  When we are not blocked, I find myself checking, checking, checking.  I know it's nuts.  I wonder if this is how heroin addicts feel?

[Hawk Ridge]

I was doing the same and feeling same addictive impact, especially when I would become sad after seeing their interactions. Would you be willing to stay off for just a 24 hour period to see how it feels? It's hard at first and then kind of freeing.  Mischievously, if she can see when you're on, she'll be intrigued. You know they're keeping an eye on us too so it'll kind of drive her nuts.  Yeah, I'm a little impish. I guess I might be getting my sense of humor back :-). Seriously though, if she starts to notice you are less available, less needy, more confident, it will draw her closer.  Anyway, just a thought.

[SickofMe]

Would you be willing to stay off for just a 24 hour period to see how it feels?

Yes... .tomorrow. 

Seriously, I'm setting a start date for myself to re-set.  I'm so tired of this, it's emotionally exhausting.

[Hawk Ridge]

Good luck!  It is hard and then it is almost hard to go back on for fear of what I will see.   Good luck!