The hurt over his new girl

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I would like to be on the staying board. I would like to be with my SO tonight. I though he might be getting help in therapy and getting better. Maybe even getting close to coming home. But no. He is posting his new profile pic of him and his new girlfriend all cozied up together. I am so sad. I though I couldn't hurt this much again but apparently I can. Sigh.

Please forgive me for crying on your shoulders I just don't know where else to turn.

[hope2727]

I would like to be on the staying board. I would like to be with my SO tonight. I though he might be getting help in therapy and getting better. Maybe even getting close to coming home. But no. He is posting his new profile pic of him and his new girlfriend all cozied up together. I am so sad. I though I couldn't hurt this much again but apparently I can. Sigh.

Please forgive me for crying on your shoulders I just don't know where else to turn.

[Raybo48]

Hi hope2727,

I'm glad you found this board, and you are more than welcome to cry away on all of our shoulders.  Don't ever be sorry for being sad.  It's a very painful thing you are going through so ask questions, give your opinion, and vent.  It's the only way to start healing.

[hope2727]

I don't want him to move on. I want him to come home. I am a fool

[Raybo48]

I don't want him to move on. I want him to come home. I am a fool

No, your feelings are natural.  Don't beat yourself up, you are not a fool.  It sounds like you have a lot emotionally invested in this and seeing him with someone else is devastating.  It's ok to feel pain, and its understandable you still want to be with him.  We've all been there. 

[hope2727]

Do they ever come back after finding a replacement? AM I totally mad to consider it a possibility?

[Deeno02]

Do they ever come back after finding a replacement? AM I totally mad to consider it a possibility?

Hope, you have to just go silent. I dont care to see my replacement, and even though its been 2 months, the pain is there still, just not as bad. Go no contact for your own health.

[peiper]

Do they ever come back after finding a replacement? AM I totally mad to consider it a possibility?

Yes they come back. But could you take him back and expect to have any trust in the relationship?  Not to mention keeping any self respect for yourself.

[hope2727]

I have been NC foe several months. I think he was lining her up before he even left. There were hints. She looks a lot like me. I am so stud that despite all the counselling I am doing with a psych who specializes in BPD I still want him back even after this.

[hope2727]

I know its crazy. I just meet so few people I like. I waited 10 years after a painful divorce to find someone I cared about. When he proposed I felt blessed. Now I feel cursed.  :'(

[peiper]

Hope I'm sorry your hurting.  Ask yourself though if you want to hurt worse. Everytime I took her back and it happened again the pain was worse. Put value in yourself,  your worth it.

[hope2727]

thank you peiper

I am just hurting so badly tonight

[peiper]

thank you peiper

I am just hurting so badly tonight

I know.  It does get better, concentrate on you not the hurt.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Hope,

I am sorry you are hurting.  I understand how difficult this is for you, especially since you have been so supportive of his treatment for such a long time. Hang in there.  It will get easier for you.   

[anxiety5]

Do they ever come back after finding a replacement? AM I totally mad to consider it a possibility?

I'm a replacement and guess what? I was treated like a piece of garbage. Sure they will come back. The fact you want that to happen is the root of the problem here. You see I guarantee you lack healthy self esteem. When we lack healthy self esteem (I do too) you feel empty. Your sense of self worth instead of coming from within, comes from the way others view you. You were attracted to her not because she is amazing, she's actually pretty awful. You were attracted to her for the way she made YOU feel about YOURSELF. When your core is void of self esteem or self worth, there are pot holes in your soul. These people mirror our insecurities and place us on pedestals and the result is the fact they view us in such high regard at first, it's the first time in our lives we've felt whole. The reason they target people with low self worth and self esteem is on purpose. They are manipulators. They know that if they put you on that pedestal and make you feel a certain way, you will become addicted to that feeling. Once they know you are firmly under their control they push you away and keep you chasing the high by giving and giving of yourself to them. That high is the issue. That high is the fact this person made you feel whole for the first time about yourself. But their motives were self serving. But the gift they gave you is the realization of how amazing life can feel when you feel good about yourself. That is the key to moving forward and being happy. Go fill those holes yourself through the building of core values, self worth and self esteem. Healthy people don't get involved with emotional abusers. When your self worth radiates from within, there are no holes to fill so essentially their trump card of manipulation doesn't work on such individuals and therefore they aren't targeted. You see what I'm getting at? That old cliche, love yourself before loving someone else is true. You didn't really love her. You loved the way she made you feel about yourself. Build that on your own and you too will avoid becoming a target ever again in the future. 

The fact that you want her to come back is because you want to feel whole again. Again, you are viewing your self worth, your value in the eyes of someone else, you want her to come back because it will validate yourself and make you feel good.  The trouble is, only you can make this happen. Only you can fill your own core deficits.

[merlin4926]

Anxiety5 that's so true

[Popcorn71]

Anxiety 5. Thanks you explained that perfectly.

[Butterfly44]

Hey Hope,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It hurts badly I know and you're not alone. This forum is a great place to come for support and you'll start to understand in time that you're better off without someone who could move on so quickly but sadly it's just what pwBPD do. They can't be on their own and yes, they often "groom" someone else once they've started the devaluing process with us. Mine already had someone in the background for sure; she was always going on about this person she had met and how wonderful they were etc... .I can't believe I actually stayed around for that crap to happen but sure enough it did and that's where she is now.

We're not people to them; we're objects they use for their own gratification until they've squeezed every last bit of emotion out of us. I've given up fighting for mine... .she'll end up in another relationship full of drama and chaos and probably involved with other people too. I'd rather be alone than have her illness. She's dysfunctional and destructive and that's what she'll continue to draw into her life or she'll just go f.ck someone else's head up. You'll be ok in time but as so many people have told me on here... .stay NC. The only person you'll be hurting is yourself if you don't. All the best.

[Butterfly44]

Brilliantly put anxiety5... .absolutely true.

[Deeno02]

thank you peiper

I am just hurting so badly tonight

And you will. Its been 2 months for me and, while its getting better, Im a little sad now and again, was a little misty driving to work because I remembered some of the painful actions/words she said. Im now mostly sad about the way I was treated. No one deserves that. I used to be sad about the failed relationship,but thats done and over. She made a choice to dump me and shes stuck with that choice. Im still sad, as I said, about the way I was treated. Its not normal. Healthy, stable people dont treat each other like BPD's treat us Non's. And, if you except them back into your life, it will be worse.

[Butterfly44]

I agree entirely Deeno. Its been two months for me too and she's gone. I feel bad now more for the way she treated me too. I keep going over some of the things she did and especially the things she said... .they were despicable, hurtful and vicious and for some of us with low self esteem as it is, it's the worst kind of treatment and hard to recover from after being put on a pedestal. She told me I was on a pedestal and then would sytematically tell me how far I'd fallen off it depending on what I did or didn't do? It was really screwed up. It was like waiting every day to see how far down I'd fallen from it even though I kept trying to do the right thing... .every action, every word was scrutinized and torn apart until something was found to devalue me just that little bit more. It was just awful when I look back.

None of us deserve that kind of treatment and neither do you.

[Infared]

Do they ever come back after finding a replacement? AM I totally mad to consider it a possibility?

Yes they come back. But could you take him back and expect to have any trust in the relationship?  Not to mention keeping any self respect for yourself.

+1000

[guy4caligirl]

DEENOE02

I agree with 100% I am out or the relation 4 months today yes !

For these people that just got dumped it only gets better as you go and yes it hurts

We always would have a moment of pain and missing them but it get easier and easier as we reach the acceptance stage  I am in it now .

WE all know is they say there happy been where they are but I say they will never be happy anywhere even if the come back to us .

Let's stay on track and good luck to all of us

GUY4CALIGIRL

[hope2727]

I know all of you are right. I just can't get my stupid heart to align with my head. I gave my heart to him in good faith and he abused it. Now I need that same stupid heart to smarten up ASAP.

Well I really appreciate all of your support. No one else understands what it is like. I know its a good thing in a way as it just confirms that I MUST move on. But Man it sure hurts.

Thank you again for all your kind words. You are a wonderful group of people. I am off to work now. Hopefully the day will bring wonderful things. Or at least hopefully my eyes will stop looking so darn puffy.

[Infared]

I know all of you are right. I just can't get my stupid heart to align with my head. I gave my heart to him in good faith and he abused it. Now I need that same stupid heart to smarten up ASAP.

Well I really appreciate all of your support. No one else understands what it is like. I know its a good thing in a way as it just confirms that I MUST move on. But Man it sure hurts.

Thank you again for all your kind words. You are a wonderful group of people. I am off to work now. Hopefully the day will bring wonderful things. Or at least hopefully my eyes will stop looking so darn puffy.

Your heart is not stupid. It is just trusting and faithful! 

[Raybo48]

I know all of you are right. I just can't get my stupid heart to align with my head. I gave my heart to him in good faith and he abused it. Now I need that same stupid heart to smarten up ASAP.

Well I really appreciate all of your support. No one else understands what it is like. I know its a good thing in a way as it just confirms that I MUST move on. But Man it sure hurts.

Thank you again for all your kind words. You are a wonderful group of people. I am off to work now. Hopefully the day will bring wonderful things. Or at least hopefully my eyes will stop looking so darn puffy.

Your heart will align with your head when the dust settles a bit more.  As you can see by the posts here once some serious time passes it's not the relationship you are sad about, but the treatment (or mistreatment) you endured.  I'm finally starting to get to that point myself and you come to realize you deserve so much better, better in the form of a balanced relationship where it's not so much give give give, but give and take.   Unfortunately, the person you were with was a taker and with their disorder they are unable to reciprocate like normal people do. They are a bottomless vessel and will suck the life right out of you.  I really like the term emotional vampire because it explains them pretty clearly in just two words.  As most of the moderators will tell you now, you need to work on you, own your part in the relationship and then begin to heal.   

[Deeno02]

I know all of you are right. I just can't get my stupid heart to align with my head. I gave my heart to him in good faith and he abused it. Now I need that same stupid heart to smarten up ASAP.

Well I really appreciate all of your support. No one else understands what it is like. I know its a good thing in a way as it just confirms that I MUST move on. But Man it sure hurts.

Thank you again for all your kind words. You are a wonderful group of people. I am off to work now. Hopefully the day will bring wonderful things. Or at least hopefully my eyes will stop looking so darn puffy.

Your heart will align with your head when the dust settles a bit more.  As you can see by the posts here once some serious time passes it's not the relationship you are sad about, but the treatment (or mistreatment) you endured.  I'm finally starting to get to that point myself and you come to realize you deserve so much better, better in the form of a balanced relationship where it's not so much give give give, but give and take.   Unfortunately, the person you were with was a taker and with their disorder they are unable to reciprocate like normal people do. They are a bottomless vessel and will suck the life right out of you.  I really like the term emotional vampire because it explains them pretty clearly in just two words.  As most of the moderators will tell you now, you need to work on you, own your part in the relationship and then begin to heal.   

It is what it is. I was sad about the r/s break up, dismal feeling, worse than my divorce of 18 years. This 16 months I went through with my BPDxgf, was the worst emotionally and mentally stressful thing ever. I didnt know what BPD was at the time. Im 51 and I was abused. I admit that. I wasnt perfect in the relationship and I still really dont know what the hell I did to get dumped other than my failure to meet her expectations and demands. I loved her (or the fantasy of it anyway) and treated her and her 5 kids well as I did my own kids. I know now this would never have worked as I was a repacement for her husband who left her. Im sad today because I reflected on the bad I went through and I cant believe that the anguish still remains and probably will for a while.

On the other hand, Im happier because Im not cringing when the phone rings, Im not walking on egg shells around her, and I can speak without it being held against me.

Im happy because Im not getting 40,000 texts.

Im happy because I dont have to try and plan stuff that doesnt meet her specifications.

Im happy because I dont get yelled at for not planning anything.

Im happy because Im not being nagged for not spending enough time with her.

Im happy for not having to apologize profusely for some slight I was accused of

You get the picture? The biggest burden is off me now and I can heal at my own pace, on my own schedule. I can live my life again. There are still going to be moments where I think I miss her, but they quickly flitter away.

Hang in there... .

[sirensong65]

Listen, Hope, you are in good company.  So many of us feel your pain.  I am not where you are, I was but I am healing after a year of being apart.

He has been cycling through women on the dating sites ever since.  Was cheating in the same way when he was here (know now, didn't know then)... even while being engaged to me.  He called the wedding off two days before we were to be married in front of my kids.  I was humiliated.  HUMILIATED has been a word that I connect to him a lot these days... .

This week I was told that he was sprawled all over the internet in his new SOULMATE relationship with another bi polar woman (he is bipolar) and she is a skank who modeled for Playboy in the 90's, was a wrestler and now hocks DVD's of herself being dominated and sexually demeaned by other what look like HE/SHES for $9.95 on Ebay.  You can google this thing and she ALL she has, including ridiculous vids on YouTube of her giving head to a sports bottle?  Seriously?

I gave him stability, and he freaked and wanted no part of it.  I am attractive, stable, have a career, sit on the board of a chamber and am very well known and liked in my community.  We literally had it all at our feet and THIS is what he is now into. 

What I realize is when he said, "I can't be myself with you... " THIS must be what he meant.  And he is right, I am a Christian woman with self respect and values, I would NEVER be interested in the lifestyle this ___ leads.

My point?

We all share similar stories.  I think it is rare that BPD's don't cheat and put their partners at risk.  They don't have any respect for themselves so how can you expect them to respect you.

Put yourself first because this man has proven he won't and is that what you want to gove your heart and soul to?

I am glad to wash my hands of this filth now once and for all.  It was painful to see his pictures allover the net with this troll but also removed all doubt for me.  I am missing nothing.  They are PERFECT with one another.  Now I sit back with the popcorn and watch these two idiots IMPLODE.

Save yourself and walk away and STAY away.  Nothing good will come of this... .

[Raybo48]

Listen, Hope, you are in good company.  So many of us feel your pain.  I am not where you are, I was but I am healing after a year of being apart.

He has been cycling through women on the dating sites ever since.  Was cheating in the same way when he was here (know now, didn't know then)... even while being engaged to me.  He called the wedding off two days before we were to be married in front of my kids.  I was humiliated.  HUMILIATED has been a word that I connect to him a lot these days... .

This week I was told that he was sprawled all over the internet in his new SOULMATE relationship with another bi polar woman (he is bipolar) and she is a skank who modeled for Playboy in the 90's, was a wrestler and now hocks DVD's of herself being dominated and sexually demeaned by other what look like HE/SHES for $9.95 on Ebay.  You can google this thing and she ALL she has, including ridiculous vids on YouTube of her giving head to a sports bottle?  Seriously?

I gave him stability, and he freaked and wanted no part of it.  I am attractive, stable, have a career, sit on the board of a chamber and am very well known and liked in my community.  We literally had it all at our feet and THIS is what he is now into. 

What I realize is when he said, "I can't be myself with you... " THIS must be what he meant.  And he is right, I am a Christian woman with self respect and values, I would NEVER be interested in the lifestyle this ___ leads.

My point?

We all share similar stories.  I think it is rare that BPD's don't cheat and put their partners at risk.  They don't have any respect for themselves so how can you expect them to respect you.

Put yourself first because this man has proven he won't and is that what you want to gove your heart and soul to?

I am glad to wash my hands of this filth now once and for all.  It was painful to see his pictures allover the net with this troll but also removed all doubt for me.  I am missing nothing.  They are PERFECT with one another.  Now I sit back with the popcorn and watch these two idiots IMPLODE.

Save yourself and walk away and STAY away.  Nothing good will come of this... .

Wow, what an impact post!  It also proves one thing, they can fit into just about any circumstance as long as they get what they want... .needs met.   I also don't think it's possible for a BPD not to cheat, because I don't believe they are at all capable of getting enough supply from one person, ever.  Their needs are far too great to rely on someone with any sort of independence, who has a job, kids, or any sort of life.   Take the BPD away for a moment and you have a cheater on your hands who will do it the rest of their lives with no therapy. That in itself makes it an easy decision.  Stay away is right... .

[sirensong65]

Raybo:

From the mouth of my BPD AFTER the break up where he felt no need to pretend any longer... .

"I feel lost a lot, I don't know who I am."

"I don't know how to feel deeply."

"I don't get attached to anyone."

"I like the dating sites cause I feel good when I get attention from the women for send me winks or tell me I'm cute."   


This is the perfect mate for him now.  She will probably do anything he wants... all fantasies come true.  Seven weeks in and they are in love, and moving like the bullet train... just the way he had done with everyone, and probably for her too as Bipolars do much the the same thing.

There is no jealousy or possessiveness with him because he feels nothing for anyone.  No attachment, we are nothing more and an Accoutrement, like a car or a jacket.  A thing.

Though it was painful for me to see that I/we meant nothing to him.  Seeing him in this current "relationship" (if you can even refer to it as such) just helps me further detach.  I could never welcome that back, he is REALLY damaged goods to me now.

Frankly, I have my bets that this doesn't end well at all as in death either accidentally or intentionally.  I am sure this person he is with runs with a dangerous crowd.  His problem. No longer mine.  God saved me and I am grateful.

[Raybo48]

Raybo:

From the mouth of my BPD AFTER the break up where he felt no need to pretend any longer... .

"I feel lost a lot, I don't know who I am."

"I don't know how to feel deeply."

"I don't get attached to anyone."

"I like the dating sites cause I feel good when I get attention from the women for send me winks or tell me I'm cute."   


This is the perfect mate for him now.  She will probably do anything he wants... all fantasies come true.  Seven weeks in and they are in love, and moving like the bullet train... just the way he had done with everyone, and probably for her too as Bipolars do much the the same thing.

There is no jealousy or possessiveness with him because he feels nothing for anyone.  No attachment, we are nothing more and an Accoutrement, like a car or a jacket.  A thing.

Though it was painful for me to see that I/we meant nothing to him.  Seeing him in this current "relationship" (if you can even refer to it as such) just helps me further detach.  I could never welcome that back, he is REALLY damaged goods to me now.

Frankly, I have my bets that this doesn't end well at all as in death either accidentally or intentionally.  I am sure this person he is with runs with a dangerous crowd.  His problem. No longer mine.  God saved me and I am grateful.

Wow, I'm sure many BPD feel as he does but for him to admit to all of that is amazingly cold and pitiful.   

My ex is on the dating sites now too getting a ton of supply.  She can't help herself with that and FB and can paint herself any way she wants too.  She has on there "occasional smoker", "social drinker".   She smokes two packs a day and is the worst alcoholic I've ever seen along with the opinion of two separate AA sponsors she'd burned through.   The 'prize' awaits for some poor guy out there who's ill equipped to deal with her and has probably never even heard of BPD.   Oh well.

[hope2727]

Yeah mine is on a dating site too. He is with a new girl and on a dating site. Sigh. He is such a mess. I wish I could stop missing him.

Most of my friends went with him as his smear campaign has been pretty effective. Luckily I have a couple that didn't like him and distanced themselves from us so they have drifted back.

I feel such sorrow for him. He is hurting and I am hurting and there just seems to be no way to heal that hurt. How sad.

[Raybo48]

I was jealous over the dating sites at first until I realized that was pretty stupid considering she cheated on me while we were together.  Now that we are no longer together who the hell cares if she's on a dating site because I know exactly why she's doing it now that I fully understand the disorder.   

I wouldn't feel sorrow for him, I'd feel pity for him knowing he likely won't help himself now or in the future.  I really think it's important to understand this site is also here for us to look at ourselves, and our role in the rs.  We (including myself) focus so much on our ex that we won't let go of that and focus on ourselves.  We call complain (including myself) on how our ex seemingly controlled us, but what do most of us talk about on here when we miss them?  We want them to come back to us and we feel out of control of the situation.  We too want to control things, but just in a different way.  It's all about letting go, and that's what I keep trying to pound in my head.  Let go, and get on with living.  We cannot fix them, but we can fix ourselves.