Surreal ending

[anxiety5]

We have broken up dozens of times. In truth, usually it's me that breaks things off. I've learned I have codependent traits and I have an awful time enforcing boundaries. Our relationship was a little over a year. All the usual stuff, idealization, seduction, amazing sex, she wanted to see and be with me all the time. Then the random rage event, followed by getting stood up when things were at our best, and cheated on twice. This was all in the first few months. It is completely my fault for staying but I believed her lies, her reasoning, her bs. She had gone through a divorce and was definitely under stress. She always had the most plausible excuses. Once she firmly had me it was a continual cycle of pull in, build up of stress, trigger event and explosion followed by circular talks and never any resolution. I gave up so much of myself I lost who I was. In the end I was always apologizing. I'm a bit different though, I was assertive stick up for myself but can't ever walk away or quit. The cheating really messed with my mind a lot. I never really trusted her again I think or her intentions for me.

Anyway enter tonight... .

We had what I thought to be one of our best conversations. We have had some problems again recently and she broke plans with me and hung up on me when I got upset about it Tuesday. I always get shut down by her and I finally told her I was finished. I felt so much guilt the next day I read for hours about anger and resentment and honestly found some of the best material I have ever read. I realized it's all misplaced hurt and pain. And how she shuts me down when I try to talk about it. I told her I wanted to talk and went over her house and brought her dinner. We had a really good conversation, I apologized for getting upset with her the other night and described what I had learned about things. Well she starts talking about stuff in a way that made me feel like I was in the twilight zone. How she didn't miss her ex husband when he left her, she just felt hurt from rejection. How she has problems connecting with people or feeling that bond where you miss them when they aren't around. She told me she could go days without talking to me and be fine. When the topic of trust came up I mentioned to her how when the cheating happened it was 20% of what physically happened and 80% about lies and deceit. And that was something that built up in me as resentment because she would never let me communicate the way that all made me feel. Then in the midsts of this great conversation where she was describing (or confirming) all the symptoms of BPD (she's undiagnosed) She talked about her anxiety, emptiness, control issues, ocd, etc how her mom was married 3 times and grandmother never loved any man at all. She suddenly goes off about how I just always bring up the cheating thing. I just sat there and took it. We had agreed earlier to give things another shot prior to this talk and here we were again about to fight. As she went off and called me crazy, how basically everything is my fault, how she needs someone who does this or that, I just sat there. I went over all that anger and resentment control I had read about earlier that day. Focusing on my thoughts as her words became incoherent to my concentration on myself. I just took it. When she was done, I turned to her and looked her in the eyes and said "I don't want this anymore." And she laughed and said, ok sure, can't wait to get your texts all night.  I got up, told her I was leaving. Gave her a huge and sincere hug. Her son one too. Turned to her and smiled, grabbed my keys and left.

I have not text her once. I will not text her. I will not call her. I came home, removed every photo, email, message or anything relating to her from my computer and put it on an external drive I keep upstairs. I took down our pictures and I made plans with my friends for tomorrow night.

I feel totally fine. Is this normal? I anticipate knowing myself, I will play out these romantic fallacies in my head of our good times at some point and torture myself into depression. But enough is enough. I have no regret. I honestly did my best. This relationship was all one way, zero balance all me give all her take. She belittled me constantly or lately just blew me off all the time and baited me into fights. She bought me a plane ticket to fly with her home for the holiday in a week. I wonder when it will sink in that I'm not going and will not be going.

I have a lot of work to do on me. Why did I tolerate so much nonsense? How to get my sanity back for being gaslighted constantly, and to build my self esteem up so I can stop feeling a sense of worth through the eyes of others and instead have it come from within.

I'm about to enter unchartered waters. I'm scared as hell. I feel alone, I feel quiet, but I feel peace. Life is so bittersweet sometimes, you can taste it. But we are on this Earth one time so you have to make it count. There is no regret in giving someone your best and having things fail. There is no shame in loving someone who simply can't be what you need. There is no guilt in admitting you have needs and wants and hopes for what life will be like and that you deserve those things, especially given the fact you have done so much for them. I don't wish her any bad or any harm. I'm thankful to have met her. I'm thankful to have met her son. Even with all the ways she hurt me, I think she is a special person. She's a human being not a monster. I'm less angry at her, and more thankful for my own parents and the fact I was raised at least well enough to not have to suffer with her disorder day in and day out. I regret nothing. I learned so much. My journey is just starting. This horrific situation and relationship has led me to conclude I need to do a lot of soul searching and rebuilding of myself in a healthy way. There are so many things I want out of life. More than anything I want happiness. And I also want a family. I want to be with someone where we have a true and genuine love. I know I was not perfect. I helped contribute to a lot of the pain with my own resentment and anger. My codependence I've learned was often conflict initiating because I used it to try and get things back to the way they were at first rather than take responsibility for my happiness through my own awareness and realizing I can't change someone else. I forgive her for the cheating. And I hope she finds peace.

I appreciate this relationship so much. Not because it was some amazing thing. But her demanding ways and control issues made me really focus on self improvement. I lost 25lbs over the past year, got in shape, I learned a ton about myself, I sought information and learned even more. I know firmly what I want now and can identify which people are the problems from thoroughly examining all the red flags I ignored. I helped her through a difficult time, and realized how incredible it is to have a child around. I'm humbled through the humility of my own character flaws that exposed themselves for involving myself and remaining in such a toxic relationship. All of these trials and tribulations are what life is about. 10% what happens 90% how I react to it. I plan on remaining fit, doing work on me to learn more about why or how I tolerated so much abuse, I plan to clean out my attic of emotions room by room and get my thoughts and emotions back into an orderly fashion.

Life is such a beautiful gift. Tonight, it took all the courage in my heart to put myself first. Tonight I chose to let her and this relationship go. And although she doesn't believe me, she will soon learn.  I will be prepared for her attempts to come back. And I will not let it happen.

Each and every one of you have my respect, my love and my prayers. You are all special people who did not deserve to be treated the way you have been or were treated. Anger is a powerful and toxic thing. Please let go of it for your own sake. Rejection is God's protection. Whether you believe in him or not, it's time to have faith in something, especially yourself.

Thank you all for your support. I will be posting from now on any new topics concerning me, to the leaving board.

[Pingo]

Anxiety5, I always enjoy your posts and this one is like reading about the 'school of BPD'. 

"Focusing on my thoughts as her words became incoherent to my concentration on myself."

To be able to self-reflect while that was going on is really difficult and good on you to remain objective.  You seem to be objective about a lot of what's been going on.  My T says this is when she knows people are really healing.

My ex didn't cheat on my (to my knowledge) but he would never take accountability for anything and always hated when I brought up past issues as well.  I mentioned in another thread today, we have to remember these betrayals because they haven't got resolved.  There's no resolution without accountability. 

As you go through the different stages of grieving this r/s, when you are having a hard time and questioning everything (as we inevitably do), come back and re-read this post.  It is really powerful and there is so much wisdom.  Thanks for sharing.

[anxiety5]

I wrote my post at 12am. Went to bed. Woke up at 7, got ready for work. Go downstairs and my beloved pet cat is dead on the floor. Sometimes I think God hates me.

After a post mortem, it was identified as a silent killer epidemic in cats, something almost undiagnosable called HCM. Often times the first signs of the condition are when your pet dies.

What loss. What grief. You know what's funny though? I haven't thought of her once. I wouldn't trade 30 of her for one of my buddy. He was loyal, loving, compassionate, dependable and loved and respected me. Pretty sad that my cat signifies more positive adjectives than my ex.

Rest in peace pal. Miss you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I wrote my post at 12am. Went to bed. Woke up at 7, got ready for work. Go downstairs and my beloved pet cat is dead on the floor. Sometimes I think God hates me.

After a post mortem, it was identified as a silent killer epidemic in cats, something almost undiagnosable called HCM. Often times the first signs of the condition are when your pet dies.

What loss. What grief. You know what's funny though? I haven't thought of her once. I wouldn't trade 30 of her for one of my buddy. He was loyal, loving, compassionate, dependable and loved and respected me. Pretty sad that my cat signifies more positive adjectives than my ex.

Rest in peace pal. Miss you.

I'm so sorry anxiety.  Both of my dogs died, of old age, and I miss them far, far more than I miss my ex, not comparable really, since I don't miss my ex at all.  And the biggest thing now is all of my memories of my dogs are great, and all of my memories of her are bad.  It's the psychic scars that linger though, that fuel for growth.

It's been a while, and I'm going to get a black lab puppy after the new year; now there's something to look forward to.  I hope you make peace with your loss, again I'm sorry, and maybe on day another cat will bring joy to your life.  Dogs and cats are great at that.  Take care of you!

[Rifka]

I wrote my post at 12am. Went to bed. Woke up at 7, got ready for work. Go downstairs and my beloved pet cat is dead on the floor. Sometimes I think God hates me.

After a post mortem, it was identified as a silent killer epidemic in cats, something almost undiagnosable called HCM. Often times the first signs of the condition are when your pet dies.

What loss. What grief. You know what's funny though? I haven't thought of her once. I wouldn't trade 30 of her for one of my buddy. He was loyal, loving, compassionate, dependable and loved and respected me. Pretty sad that my cat signifies more positive adjectives than my ex.

Rest in peace pal. Miss you.

Sorry about the loss of your furry child.

[anxiety5]

I wrote my post at 12am. Went to bed. Woke up at 7, got ready for work. Go downstairs and my beloved pet cat is dead on the floor. Sometimes I think God hates me.

After a post mortem, it was identified as a silent killer epidemic in cats, something almost undiagnosable called HCM. Often times the first signs of the condition are when your pet dies.

What loss. What grief. You know what's funny though? I haven't thought of her once. I wouldn't trade 30 of her for one of my buddy. He was loyal, loving, compassionate, dependable and loved and respected me. Pretty sad that my cat signifies more positive adjectives than my ex.

Rest in peace pal. Miss you.

I'm so sorry anxiety.  Both of my dogs died, of old age, and I miss them far, far more than I miss my ex, not comparable really, since I don't miss my ex at all.  And the biggest thing now is all of my memories of my dogs are great, and all of my memories of her are bad.  It's the psychic scars that linger though, that fuel for growth.

It's been a while, and I'm going to get a black lab puppy after the new year; now there's something to look forward to.  I hope you make peace with your loss, again I'm sorry, and maybe on day another cat will bring joy to your life.  Dogs and cats are great at that.  Take care of you!

Thank you for your kind words. In a strange way it's been a jolt of realization. I felt like I was stuck in this on/off spiral with her and the loss of something that really truly defines love, even an animal companion zapped me from the fog. It's like a reminder, why am I focusing on someone who is the source of so much grief, and being taught lessons of what loss is really about by an animal? In a way our ex's actions could be defined as animalistic, but in reality, any animal Ive known, that would be an insult.

What does not kill us makes us stronger. Thank you all

[Pingo]

Awe, Anxiety5, I am so sorry for your loss.  What terrible timing and what a sad thing to go through.  I lost my kitty of 17 yrs last year and it was truly heartbreaking.  I miss him terribly.  Sending you hugs in your time of grief 

[michel71]

HUGS. BIG HUGS to you my friend. Losing a pet at any time is a heart breaking experience. I am sure that of all times, you certainly didn't need this now. You are very strong. I think if something happened to my dog whilst I was breaking up with her I might backslide and call her. Kudos to you for knowing and maintaining healthy boundaries!

I hope you get another cat. Another buddy. Pet lovers are destined to love again.

[DangIthurts]

Sounds like mine... .I tried everything to stop the snowball rolling down the mountain and getting blown off all the time, but thats what lead to our first [who knows if its for good but seems like it] breakup off fb status, off everything not talking. Where I blew up on her over canceling and she ended it finally.

I was fine for a few days when the pain of it all was new, but the more I sit in it the worse its gotten. Hell I would give you my car to feel that way and if you do for the rest of the time props to you. But however you're coping with it, as long as its not self destructive I say god-bless.

[anxiety5]

Sounds like mine... .I tried everything to stop the snowball rolling down the mountain and getting blown off all the time, but thats what lead to our first [who knows if its for good but seems like it] breakup off fb status, off everything not talking. Where I blew up on her over canceling and she ended it finally.

I was fine for a few days when the pain of it all was new, but the more I sit in it the worse its gotten. Hell I would give you my car to feel that way and if you do for the rest of the time props to you. But however you're coping with it, as long as its not self destructive I say god-bless.

So far so good. I cancelled plans to go for TG next week with her to her family's house across the state. Of course she still wanted me to go and acted like nothing. Again, the loss of my pet is the lesson that's woken me up. I was reminded what love is in it's simplistic form. I was also reminded how she is so egocentric she has no ability to "be there" for me. She said "sorry" that's about it. And right back to talking about herself. She mentioned how cold she was, and needed some new warm clothes after I freaking text her that I found him dead. It's like I snapped out of all the nonsense. She can't form normal attachments to people. Her attachments are the same conceptually as a sales rep builds a relationship with a purchasing manager of a large company. You say whatever needs to be said to become close, you change your schedule to accommodate them, you let them dictate the conversations, you get close to them and once everything is secure and in place and they are buying everything from you, you target a new "whale" at a new company. And you probably spend less time with that customer. That is, until he feels neglected and you put the charm back on again. In simple terms, I'm tired of being a cog in her ego trip. Screw that. The facts are, I could never be happy with a person like this. One day, (god forbid) when my parents pass, or maybe I need to take one of them in because they are sick, she would show no compassion, no sympathy, she would never support me while I grieved their loss. All of that would make me sick, it would make me boil with resentment. In short, we are doomed and that simple realization has made me keep my dignity intact by jumping off the runaway train before it totally derails and blows up. Sure I may sprain an ankle jumping off and it may hurt, but it beats the inevitable total annihilation that awaits me by hanging on to something that clearly is not functioning the way it's supposed to.

All of my texts are benign. I will not give her the satisfaction of ignoring her. Instead I will bore her into submission until she finally stops texting me. I give her no further information. How are you? "fine. Doing good" Miss you. "Thanks. Have a great night!"

It's funny, she's texting me more, trying to make plans with me. It's delusional. It's like she doesn't recall the conversation we had 1 week ago. And again, I'm reminded that it's all a game of push/pull. Well screw the game, I'm not playing anymore. I'm detached, haven't talked to her on the phone or seen her in person for 7 days, cancelled plans coming up, and miss my pet more than her high maintanence nonsensical self.

[DangIthurts]

Sounds like mine... .I tried everything to stop the snowball rolling down the mountain and getting blown off all the time, but thats what lead to our first [who knows if its for good but seems like it] breakup off fb status, off everything not talking. Where I blew up on her over canceling and she ended it finally.

I was fine for a few days when the pain of it all was new, but the more I sit in it the worse its gotten. Hell I would give you my car to feel that way and if you do for the rest of the time props to you. But however you're coping with it, as long as its not self destructive I say god-bless.

So far so good. I cancelled plans to go for TG next week with her to her family's house across the state. Of course she still wanted me to go and acted like nothing. Again, the loss of my pet is the lesson that's woken me up. I was reminded what love is in it's simplistic form. I was also reminded how she is so egocentric she has no ability to "be there" for me. She said "sorry" that's about it. And right back to talking about herself. She mentioned how cold she was, and needed some new warm clothes after I freaking text her that I found him dead. It's like I snapped out of all the nonsense. She can't form normal attachments to people. Her attachments are the same conceptually as a sales rep builds a relationship with a purchasing manager of a large company. You say whatever needs to be said to become close, you change your schedule to accommodate them, you let them dictate the conversations, you get close to them and once everything is secure and in place and they are buying everything from you, you target a new "whale" at a new company. And you probably spend less time with that customer. That is, until he feels neglected and you put the charm back on again. In simple terms, I'm tired of being a cog in her ego trip. Screw that. The facts are, I could never be happy with a person like this. One day, (god forbid) when my parents pass, or maybe I need to take one of them in because they are sick, she would show no compassion, no sympathy, she would never support me while I grieved their loss. All of that would make me sick, it would make me boil with resentment. In short, we are doomed and that simple realization has made me keep my dignity intact by jumping off the runaway train before it totally derails and blows up. Sure I may sprain an ankle jumping off and it may hurt, but it beats the inevitable total annihilation that awaits me by hanging on to something that clearly is not functioning the way it's supposed to.

All of my texts are benign. I will not give her the satisfaction of ignoring her. Instead I will bore her into submission until she finally stops texting me. I give her no further information. How are you? "fine. Doing good" Miss you. "Thanks. Have a great night!"

It's funny, she's texting me more, trying to make plans with me. It's delusional. It's like she doesn't recall the conversation we had 1 week ago. And again, I'm reminded that it's all a game of push/pull. Well screw the game, I'm not playing anymore. I'm detached, haven't talked to her on the phone or seen her in person for 7 days, cancelled plans coming up, and miss my pet more than her high maintanence nonsensical self.

See I think (at least mine) knew how to say sorry, make a few statements of support... .But I truly don't think she understood the concept of being there with someone through anything, through any hardship... .Of picking someone up the way we tried to pick them up.

[harbour]

When she was done, I turned to her and looked her in the eyes and said "I don't want this anymore." And she laughed and said, ok sure, can't wait to get your texts all night.  I got up, told her I was leaving. Gave her a huge and sincere hug. Her son one too. Turned to her and smiled, grabbed my keys and left.

I wish I could have done that when I had been standing there for about an hour taking his rage, accusations and humiliations 3-4 days ago. As I had done several times before in our 8 months old relationship. Cause like you I knew then, when he was done that day, that this was it. I reached my limit. I knew that I would never again take this. But unlike you I could not tell him that I was leaving, give him a hug and then leave. For one reason. I wasn't sure if he was going to harm me. He has been violent to some of his former female partners. He had told me. So when he got these sudden outbursts of rage I felt threatened. They were scary because they seemed to come out of the blue. One and a half month ago, when I told him that I feel unsafe, when he gets these outbursts, we made an agreement that when he felt the rage coming up, he would leave my place. He said he could and would do that and that the last thing he would do was to make me feel unsafe with him. Well, he couldn't, could he. Or wouldn't. One time more was one time to many. I can not live with a ticking bomb no matter how much I love him. And I do love him. But there is only one way I can remove that bomb, and that is by leaving him. For good. There will be no on and off. This will be the first and the last time I break up with him.

It hurts to leave him without saying goodbye, face to face. When I was standing there and I realized that it was over, I wanted to tell him. But how could I? I once asked him what made him hit his former female partners. He said that it was usually when they were going to leave him. When a man tells his current female partner that, well ... .Control!

I have been thinking like crazy how to tell him. To send him a message on the mobile would not be a proper way. I can't think of a proper way to do it. I could call him and tell him. But even though he can't touch me through the phone I would feel exposed. He might break down and cry, or - rage, or turn cold.  I do not know. You never know with him. His verbal abuse can be devastating. So I have decided to write him a letter telling him that it is over. Since I have answered his many, many messages with only two or three short messages the last 3-4 days I thought that he is probably prepared for my breaking up with him. But when I read about your ex, who doesn't get it even after you broke up with her, then I think maybe he doesn't have a clue. And it doesn't really matter. What matters is:

Life is such a beautiful gift. Tonight, it took all the courage in my heart to put myself first. ... .You are all special people who did not deserve to be treated the way you have been or were treated. Anger is a powerful and toxic thing. Please let go of it for your own sake. Rejection is God's protection. Whether you believe in him or not, it's time to have faith in something, especially yourself.

I believe that you can really love, only if you love and respect yourself. What drives me to let go of my most-of-the-time loving and affectionate partner is that I want to love and respect myself, and - fear of losing that.

[Pingo]

It hurts to leave him without saying goodbye, face to face. When I was standing there and I realized that it was over, I wanted to tell him. But how could I? I once asked him what made him hit his former female partners. He said that it was usually when they were going to leave him. When a man tells his current female partner that, well ... .Control!

Harbour, this is more than just control, this is an outright threat.  Not subtle in the least.  And truly abusive. Please take care of yourself.