My wife claims low libido

[Moselle]

Thanks, Grey Kitty and Shankz,

Once I get over my resentment, maybe there is hope for me after all.   

And I must say that using the tools I've found here, specifically SET and trying not to JADE, has really helped keep things more harmonious. Also my individual therapy has helped me to have compassion and realize my BPDh is really wounded and not merely an a$$hole.

I'm fortunate in that he's BPDlite. And I think I was fortunate growing up because my mom was full-on BPD, and from an early age I knew there was something wrong with her. The pwBPDlite are easy to miss and start doubting oneself, particularly if they're good at arguing, as my husband is.

Cat Familiar,  I've been around this site for about a year now. And this is the first time I've heard of "BPDlite".  I love it. I'm just wondering when my full blown dBPD/NPD wife will graduate to BPDlite status.  LOL 

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Moselle,

I bought the Walking on Eggshells book a couple of years ago and the examples were considerably worse than the behavior my BPD husband exhibits. I did recognize some behaviors: splitting, inappropriate and extreme anger and the depersonalization or lack of an identity at times. So I dismissed my theory until some really weird behavior started showing up, specifically that when he got mad at me, he would hit himself in the head and yell. "Is this what you want? You hate me!"

Up until then, I assumed that the acting out was related to his alcohol abuse, but that behavior was so weird and disturbing that I had to revisit my hypothesis.

Then I found out that there are silent BPDs who seem perfectly normal to everyone but their families. And voila--that's what I've got.

Our couples therapist confirmed to me in private that he has a personality disorder and he fits most all of the criteria. I'm glad he is the lite version after reading so much here. The management strategies are working remarkably well... .so far. I really appreciate the honesty and openness of this community. It's helping me let go of years of resentment.

[ColdEthyl]

Then I found out that there are silent BPDs who seem perfectly normal to everyone but their families. And voila--that's what I've got.

My husband would fit that bill, too but for his avoidance of his family for months at a time. It's the one thing I cannot understand that he does. He can talk to his mom, and brother on the phone for hours and  they get along really well, then he just *poof* quits answering their phone calls for months at a time.

The way he explains it to me... .he says he feels bad for avoiding their first few phone calls, and it just gets easier and easier not to pick the phone up. He'd rather see someone than speak to them on a phone. Don't get it.

His family never says a word about since he's been doing it forever. They just all pick up where they left off. No one makes him feel bad, they contact me and show only concern, and I reassure them he's fine... .just doing his thing again.

[Cat Familiar]

My husband is alienated from his two sisters. They live on the other coast, have children (and he doesn't) so their lives are quite different. He was the "identified patient" in the family and the victim of terrible abuse from his narcissistic father. It's made him so sensitive to slights from his sisters that he has frequently claimed, "I'm not part of the family" in spite of invitations from them to participate in events.

He's hanging on to his childhood wounds, even though his parents are dead. He wants closeness with his sisters, but he rejects them at the same time.

I tried to talk with him about this, but then he claims that I'm "on their side." I merely was trying to imagine their perspective. I'm done with this--he can b#tch all he likes about it, which he frequently does during the holidays and I'll just keep my mouth shut.

[Moselle]

Hi Moselle,

I bought the Walking on Eggshells book a couple of years ago and the examples were considerably worse than the behavior my BPD husband exhibits. I did recognize some behaviors: splitting, inappropriate and extreme anger and the depersonalization or lack of an identity at times. So I dismissed my theory until some really weird behavior started showing up, specifically that when he got mad at me, he would hit himself in the head and yell. "Is this what you want? You hate me!"

Up until then, I assumed that the acting out was related to his alcohol abuse, but that behavior was so weird and disturbing that I had to revisit my hypothesis.

Then I found out that there are silent BPDs who seem perfectly normal to everyone but their families. And voila--that's what I've got.

Our couples therapist confirmed to me in private that he has a personality disorder and he fits most all of the criteria. I'm glad he is the lite version after reading so much here. The management strategies are working remarkably well... .so far. I really appreciate the honesty and openness of this community. It's helping me let go of years of resentment.

I though mine was lite too. she is incredibly highly functioning. ie no-one else would know. But I realised and she admitted to being NPD as well. This another kettle of fish altogether!. She alternates between the two, and I get the gloomy, always sick or sore, splitting from the BPD , and the devious, conniving, unbelievably clever of the NPD. It's a heady combination. I'm trying to be grateful for it   

[Cat Familiar]

I though mine was lite too. she is incredibly highly functioning. ie no-one else would know. But I realised and she admitted to being NPD as well. This another kettle of fish altogether!. She alternates between the two, and I get the gloomy, always sick or sore, splitting from the BPD , and the devious, conniving, unbelievably clever of the NPD. It's a heady combination. I'm trying to be grateful for it    

Wow! The "gloomy, always sick or sore" gets really old and it's tiresome to be sympathetic to that when it happens so frequently.

I've got to remember to put my horse trainer hat on with regard to this relationship. I've been reinforcing behaviors I don't want. (Sometimes people think it's cute when a tiny foal puts his front legs on the handler's shoulders, but it becomes life threatening when the foal grows into a 1000 pound horse. And the horse doesn't understand why it was OK before and not OK now.)

I'm going to work on reinforcing the behavior I want to see more of and ignoring the behavior I don't like--the whining and complaining and mopey face.

I had an interesting experience last night. I've sort of been on strike about preparing food every night, which, over the years had become my sole responsibility. I can get by with a smoothie or salad as my dinner, while my husband needs what he calls "real food" but he wasn't willing to prepare it himself.

So last night he did grill steaks and cooked broccoli and heated up leftover potatoes. I asked him a couple of times if he wanted help and he said no, so I did yoga in the living room while he prepared dinner. The grunts and moans coming from the kitchen were unbelievable! I ignored them, but thought of all the times I was preparing dinner while he sat and read a book.

It occurred to me that I have to let go of my desire to be seen as a caring partner. That's part of what keeps me in this bind; I don't want to appear to be selfish. That was a word my BPD/NPD mother used to manipulate me and it worked really well.

Moselle, you're right--that is a tough combination.

[ColdEthyl]

I think he's holding onto childhood hurts, too. He was sexually abused, but also people who grew up around the family called him the 'forgotten' child. He's the eldest of three, and when his mother got into the church, she and his younger sister spent time and money going to church, getting dresses new shoes, etc and he wouldn't get anything. His dad refused to go to church, so he would say he's going fishing and sometimes he would say he's taking my husband with him... .but he wouldn't. He would leave him at home only to go fishing with his older cousins and their children.

There's a lot more I haven't said, but I can definitely see how he childhood has affected him. He's said once that he doesn't feel bad about returning their calls because they forgot him. He only said that once, and that was more true than anything else he said about the situation.

My husband is alienated from his two sisters. They live on the other coast, have children (and he doesn't) so their lives are quite different. He was the "identified patient" in the family and the victim of terrible abuse from his narcissistic father. It's made him so sensitive to slights from his sisters that he has frequently claimed, "I'm not part of the family" in spite of invitations from them to participate in events.

He's hanging on to his childhood wounds, even though his parents are dead. He wants closeness with his sisters, but he rejects them at the same time.

I tried to talk with him about this, but then he claims that I'm "on their side." I merely was trying to imagine their perspective. I'm done with this--he can b#tch all he likes about it, which he frequently does during the holidays and I'll just keep my mouth shut.

[Proteus]

Update to my thread. My wife is now not even mentioning low libido, and I have done nothing to antagonise her in at least three weeks, being very careful to totally not even for one moment make her angry or give her an excuse to hold something against me. Now her consistent refrain is that she is unhappy with me. She feels scared that I will upset and traumatise her again. She has bad traumatising dreams. And when I ask her what happened and what could possibly cause this. She tells me I am to blame for everything that ails her. Her unhappiness, bad dreams, anxiety, everything.

Needless to say no sex in over a month now. Yet some interesting irony is happening at the moment.

We last had sex just after her last period ended. At least this is what she thought, but probably it was sometime later, so approximately around the time of ovulation. As we use the rhythm method, she assumed it was safe and she could not fall pregnant. Now it already over a week and her period did not come yet, and now she is additionally stressed and unwell, so no sex, until things are clear and she once again feels well and at peace with the universe. But at the moment I just have to walk on eggshells, be totally well behaved, and hope that sooner or later all will blow over. But for now it seems that this is the longest ever period when she has been so seriously true to her theme that I am to blame for everything and that she is desperately unhappy with me. She even said the other day that she regrets marrying me. I think that probably part of her being so adamant is the fact that some weeks ago I told her that all that she is claiming to be the case is in fact only in her head, and has very little to do with reality and truth.

[Moselle]

Update to my thread. My wife is now not even mentioning low libido, and I have done nothing to antagonise her in at least three weeks, being very careful to totally not even for one moment make her angry or give her an excuse to hold something against me. Now her consistent refrain is that she is unhappy with me. She feels scared that I will upset and traumatise her again. She has bad traumatising dreams. And when I ask her what happened and what could possibly cause this. She tells me I am to blame for everything that ails her. Her unhappiness, bad dreams, anxiety, everything.

Needless to say no sex in over a month now. Yet some interesting irony is happening at the moment.

We last had sex just after her last period ended. At least this is what she thought, but probably it was sometime later, so approximately around the time of ovulation. As we use the rhythm method, she assumed it was safe and she could not fall pregnant. Now it already over a week and her period did not come yet, and now she is additionally stressed and unwell, so no sex, until things are clear and she once again feels well and at peace with the universe. But at the moment I just have to walk on eggshells, be totally well behaved, and hope that sooner or later all will blow over. But for now it seems that this is the longest ever period when she has been so seriously true to her theme that I am to blame for everything and that she is desperately unhappy with me. She even said the other day that she regrets marrying me. I think that probably part of her being so adamant is the fact that some weeks ago I told her that all that she is claiming to be the case is in fact only in her head, and has very little to do with reality and truth.

Sorry to hear this Proteus. I can see you're angry about it.

What are your options?

1. When she blames you for things.

2. When she is in an emotionally dysregulated, delusional state.

[Proteus]

Yes you are right Moselle. I am angry, but I have learned how to restrain my anger as they dont achieve anything. In spite of my calm approach she keeps shifting the goalposts, so my attempts at ensuring that she is pleased with me is as elusive as chasing the proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I dont really have much options at the moment but to ride out this current crisis. My background situation is complex and she has a hold on me which makes me very much dependent on her goodwill. I came from another country and she threatens to deport me as soon as I am even slightly "rebellious"in her mind.

The best thing is that she agreed and supports me to see a therapist who is in fact a great safety valve for me, but if I thought that there would be the one thing that will please her and ensure that we have harmonious tranquility in our lives, then I myself am very deluded as this will  never happen considering her delicate mental/emotional state. My wish is to save my marriage. My wife is a wonderful and delightful person, and it feels to me that we are just going through a rough spot, but in my heart of hearts I know that things are much more complex especially for her.

She had childhood trauma, when her parents abandoned her as a baby to her grandmother. When she returned to the family home as a school-going child, her parents had had a few other kids, and she felt like an outsider. She always complaints that she never had her mother's love and care when she needed it most as a little baby.

[Moselle]

Proteus,

It sounds like you love your wife very much.

We do have choices, even if it sometimes seems like we don't.

I realised 10 months ago with the help of this community that I was handing power and control over to someone with a serious mental disorder. How was I choosing to do that? Well for starters, listening to her blaming and angry outbursts. That's a choice. Stay or go. The healthy choice is go. But when I started doing that she raised the roof with her rage. Well actually I didn't start doing healthy things. I put 14 boundaries in place! I figured go strong or go home LOL. That rage is called an extinction burst, when they try to regain control. Mine lasted 6 months. But now its much better. She respects me and knows I will walk away at the first sign of screaming or even an angry tone. She even apologised last night.

It can get better and does when we (the non's) begin to change. I know you're looking to survive the crisis right now. That's OK. This is a process and takes a while. Have you looked at "The lessons" on the right hand side of this page?

Hang in there. I'm not getting any either. I've chosen to switch it and tell her that I will not participate in intimacy until I feel respected and safe. She's becoming more playful and much more respectful. We'll see where that goes.

[Proteus]

Thanks Moselle

Your advice is very helpful and I will work at improving my knowledge and learning the necessary skills.

Small update: My wife told me this morning that she felt like throwing up and felt the same yesterday as well. Seems as if she is starting to have morning sickness. So we are together going onto new territory, but I am hopeful that things will slowly stabalise and get better.

[Grey Kitty]

Hang in there, and keep working on what you can do.

I hope that this unintended pregnancy doesn't cause too much disruption of your lives.

 GK