Would you have stayed if you weren't cheated on

[clydegriffith]

To those that dealt with cheating, would you have stayed and edured all the other terrible things that come with the BPD if they remained faithful? (Is this even possible?)

I have a child with the BPDx and grew up without my father. I didn't want my kid to grow up without me so i would probably Answer yes, i would have stayed. Heck i forgave her for cheating a few times. The straw that brokes the camel's back was when she started screwing a bunch of people i know. But looking back on it, even with the cheating aside, i was not happy. I pretty much existed to make her happy but it was never enough. It ate away at my sense of self and i was slowly losing my identity. I didn't spend much time with my friends or family as everything had to be centered around our child, her two other  young children and having sex. All my money went to pay bills and even though she was getting $1,500 a month in support for her other children, she never volunteered to help with out financially. I also gained like 50-60 pounds while i was with her which i've managed to lose through her work and dedication.

In summary, had i stayed if she didnt cheat i would have still had to endure her BPD episodes which often times resulted in her physically assaluting me, hold in a lot of anger inside me as having any meaninful conversation about things we disagreed on were a complete waste of time and i probably would have been on my way to becoming morbedly obese. Combine all those things and it's an early trip to the graveyard.

[slimmiller]

Yes and No

I was lucky in the fact that mine DID cheat and that is a deal breaker for me. I even considered and proposed to her, we stay together and have open relationships outside of the marriage for the sake of the kids which she wanted to do but she could not keep her relationship autonomuous (hidden from the kids). So there was only one solution from my perspective, divorce.


It was a horrid and painful ordeal but because she did cheat it had to end and now I am better off. Because otherwise I would have tried to make it work and suffered continual Hellish abuse. 

I still would never elect to be cheated on like she did. No human deserves that kind of abuse IMHO

[allweareisallweare]

I'm adamant I would have stayed and been a wave rider. Fundamentally, she wouldn't have been worth it, and I can love other people who will appreciate it - and that's simple and beautiful. But look, it's done now. I strongly believe that there was probably cheating that I didn't know about bar the Borderline blowout. 

[Pingo]

Mine didn't cheat (as far as I'm aware) but he was secretive and I caught him in lies.  There was zero trust by the end.  The trust is the thing I couldn't live without.  It was like living in a movie.  Cheating would have been a sudden loss of trust, the ultimate betrayal.  My trust in him eroded slowly over 4 yrs.

[clydegriffith]

Mine didn't cheat (as far as I'm aware) but he was secretive and I caught him in lies.  There was zero trust by the end.  The trust is the thing I couldn't live without.  It was like living in a movie.  Cheating would have been a sudden loss of trust, the ultimate betrayal.  My trust in him eroded slowly over 4 yrs.

You make a good point about trust. I never really did trust the BPDx, she just always had this negative energy around her that's hard to explain. I mean, i secretly took one of those stay at home paternity tests as soon as my daughter was born because i had my doubts. I didn't have any proof or anything just this unsettling feeling. I was ready to walk out and be done with her had the results come back saying i wasn't the father. Note to future self: If you ever continuing a relationship with a woman for which you feel the need to take a paternity test to determine if you fathered a child with her do not proceed .

[Deeno02]

My BPD/xgf didnt cheat on me. However my wife of 18 years did. I found out on my birthday in October and by thanksgiving she was out of the house in an extended stay on his dime, and by xmas, we were divorced. No alimony, no child support. (I got the kids). So, no, I would have been long gone. I can tolerate alot, but not that.

[fred6]

Mine cheated and I would have probably stayed if she would have been truly sorry and tried to work on the relationship. But she didn't even flinch or bat an eye. All she did was break up with me, tell me to find a home, and treat me like complete garbage for two months until I moved out. The way she acted, you would have thought that I had cheated on her.

For me, the cheating and lying weren't the deal breaker. I don't condone it. But I understand that people make mistakes, "I get it". The problem for me is the subsequent treatment of me. I know she's ill to some extent, but none of her behavior was called for, it was totally inappropriate and unnecessary. There was no need to hurt me so badly and act like I never meant anything to her. She couldn't undo her lying and cheating, but she added to it with everything else that she did.

She even told me that I didn't deserve what she did and that I didn't do anything wrong. What the heck? Haha, I still don't understand.

[drxap]

I would have stayed... I never had definite proof that she was cheating, but it was almost certain, with the constant 3am nights without even calling me or answering her phone. Then when she would get home she never explained herself.

[Pingo]

I understand what you are saying Fred, I read a book about trust by John Gottman ("The science of trust" and he said that it isn't so much the betrayal or lie that destroys the r/s, it's the lack of accountability, not really dealing with it.  This happened in my r/s.  There was no true resolution to each episode which resulted in them just compiling into a mountain of unresolved betrayals.  My ex used to complain how I never forget, never let go of stuff that happened. You can't let go of it until you feel it's resolved (and won't happen again).  People do make mistakes and healthy people can learn and grow from them.  I know a healthy couple where there was an infidelity and they worked through it with MC and stayed together and they seem pretty happy.

[fred6]

I understand what you are saying Fred, I read a book about trust by John Gottman ("The science of trust" and he said that it isn't so much the betrayal or lie that destroys the r/s, it's the lack of accountability, not really dealing with it.  This happened in my r/s.  There was no true resolution to each episode which resulted in them just compiling into a mountain of unresolved betrayals.  My ex used to complain how I never forget, never let go of stuff that happened. You can't let go of it until you feel it's resolved (and won't happen again).  People do make mistakes and healthy people can learn and grow from them.  I know a healthy couple where there was an infidelity and they worked through it with MC and stayed together and they seem pretty happy.

I think that things could have worked out with the cheating and lying, just not with her. She couldn't/wouldn't do it. All she could do is give a half assed apology through a text message after I moved out. The thing that can't be worked out is how she she "flipped the switch" on me. If that makes any sense.

[Blimblam]

Mine cheated and I would have probably stayed if she would have been truly sorry and tried to work on the relationship. But she didn't even flinch or bat an eye. All she did was break up with me, tell me to find a home, and treat me like complete garbage for two months until I moved out. The way she acted, you would have thought that I had cheated on her.

For me, the cheating and lying weren't the deal breaker. I don't condone it. But I understand that people make mistakes, "I get it". The problem for me is the subsequent treatment of me. I know she's ill to some extent, but none of her behavior was called for, it was totally inappropriate and unnecessary. There was no need to hurt me so badly and act like I never meant anything to her. She couldn't undo her lying and cheating, but she added to it with everything else that she did.

She even told me that I didn't deserve what she did and that I didn't do anything wrong. What the heck? Haha, I still don't understand.

This is how I feel too.  I gave me ex a chance to make amends but it was in my time schedule so that wAs a bit demanding but not really becuase I just wanted to reconnect with her and was willing to forgive she just couldn't forgive herself. The surrounding behavior to the cheating was the worst.  Like she had to destroy me psychologically, emotionally  and spiritually.

[sherlock3]

I dont think mine cheated. Only because she was not very functional when she wasnt with me. She mostly slept and dealt with depression and her personality became quite negative. But cheating on someone you are in a supposed serious relationship with is a major betrayal. I could not face someone after I new they cheated on me.

[Forestaken]

Mine didn't cheat.  She was physically abusive to me. Besides all of the physical violence against me, she often made me sleep in the car outside regardless of the weather.

Never regretted divorcing her.  My kids are happier.

[fred6]

Mine cheated and I would have probably stayed if she would have been truly sorry and tried to work on the relationship. But she didn't even flinch or bat an eye. All she did was break up with me, tell me to find a home, and treat me like complete garbage for two months until I moved out. The way she acted, you would have thought that I had cheated on her.

For me, the cheating and lying weren't the deal breaker. I don't condone it. But I understand that people make mistakes, "I get it". The problem for me is the subsequent treatment of me. I know she's ill to some extent, but none of her behavior was called for, it was totally inappropriate and unnecessary. There was no need to hurt me so badly and act like I never meant anything to her. She couldn't undo her lying and cheating, but she added to it with everything else that she did.

She even told me that I didn't deserve what she did and that I didn't do anything wrong. What the heck? Haha, I still don't understand.

This is how I feel too.  I gave me ex a chance to make amends but it was in my time schedule so that wAs a bit demanding but not really becuase I just wanted to reconnect with her and was willing to forgive she just couldn't forgive herself. The surrounding behavior to the cheating was the worst.  Like she had to destroy me psychologically, emotionally  and spiritually.

I think that she treated me so badly in part because she wanted me to hate her and never contact her again. Because I know that she won't contact me in the future. If she would have tried to work on our relationship, all of the lies for the past 3 years would have been exposed. She wouldn't have had answers for all of the contradictions and half truths. So if I look at it from her point of view, she had to get rid of me or her whole house of cards would have crumbled to the ground and she would have been exposed as a fake shell of a person. An emotionally healthy person probably wouldn't have lied about so many things for 3 years, therefore they could have dealt with the eventual outcome if they would have tried to work on the relationship. In the end, she just couldn't face all of the things that she's done in the R/S. And if I'm gone, the R/S and all of her transgressions for the past 3 years are gone too. At least that's my hypothesis, ... .

[Mutt]

I would have stayed... I never had definite proof that she was cheating, but it was almost certain, with the constant 3am nights without even calling me or answering her phone. Then when she would get home she never explained herself.

I would have to.

My ex used to complain how I never forget, never let go of stuff that happened.

That's frustrating Pingo. Knowing what I know now about BPD and that it's the disorder that drives much of it. I'm indifferent to the behaviors, whereas I took it personal and I was a trigger as well. It takes two. Having said that, she's in a committed relationship with another man and living with him. That door closed, another one opens.

[peiper]

I didn't know mine had until after she had moved out over a argument that she manufactured,  on hindsight she manufactured so she could move in with the new supply.  What hurt was finding out she cheating/ only five weeks after we were married and probably before that. She had become very abusive before the split but I probably would have stuck it out a little longer. But once a cheat always a cheat.

[Waifed]

If I hadn't caught her cheating I would have stayed with her until I went officially crazy. I am glad I caught her because I was working towards crazy, literally. I just couldn't see the manipulation and lying through the FOG. I thought it was just immaturity and the fact that she was raised in a Spanish speaking home (I'm in the US) so she was naive to the world around her. I thought she would grow out of it. By this point I was rolling in too deep. Cheating was one strict boundary I maintained and even then it took me several weeks to dispose of her.

[Popcorn71]

I probably would have taken him back had I not found out about the replacement. 

Looking back, I realise he probably cheated on me for a few months before dumping me, but I had no idea.  I believe he was treating me really badly in the hope that I would dump him, so he could go off without feeling guilty.

He knew that him cheating would be the death of our marriage.  He still insisted months after he left, that he hadn't cheated.  I think he wanted to keep the door open slightly so he could come back if he ever wanted to.

Since he has realised that I would never take him back now, he has changed to painting me black in a big way.

Logically, I can see that him cheating did me a massive favour.  It got me away from him for good.  But emotionally, it still hurts like hell.

[Tiepje3]

I probably would have recycled one more time. His cheating consisted at first of doing things with her that were specifically 'ours' (taking her on a motorcycle ride, watching a football game together) and then later I 'accidentally' read a message that was meant for her but sent to me. I had to read it twice because they were the exact same words he had once written to me, so at first I thought (and hoped) it was an old message that suddenly popped up.

I still don't know if they are together, if he's still seeing her, if he slept with her. But sharing very dear activities with someone else or repeating himself to someone else, was enough for me. Shoot... .I probably would have had less of a problem with him sleeping with her.

This way of cheating was more hurtful to me than physical cheating and therefore a reason to NOT want him back this time. If he hadn't cheated on me, I'd probably have felt sorry for him again, excusing his behaviour due to work stress or any form of BPD/NPD/ADHD/manic-depressive and tough it up again.

[clydegriffith]

I probably would have recycled one more time. His cheating consisted at first of doing things with her that were specifically 'ours' (taking her on a motorcycle ride, watching a football game together) and then later I 'accidentally' read a message that was meant for her but sent to me. I had to read it twice because they were the exact same words he had once written to me, so at first I thought (and hoped) it was an old message that suddenly popped up.

I still don't know if they are together, if he's still seeing her, if he slept with her. But sharing very dear activities with someone else or repeating himself to someone else, was enough for me. Shoot... .I probably would have had less of a problem with him sleeping with her.

This way of cheating was more hurtful to me than physical cheating and therefore a reason to NOT want him back this time. If he hadn't cheated on me, I'd probably have felt sorry for him again, excusing his behaviour due to work stress or any form of BPD/NPD/ADHD/manic-depressive and tough it up again.

This happened to me as well. When we were living together i came across a love letter she had written to someone she had been sking out as a replacement (her friend's husband no less), and it was written with the same words of intense passion that she had previously used when writing to me. At first i was angry about it, and for a long time i just felt like i had got played but i now realize that at the time she writes and says these things, that is how she really feels. No matter how absurd it is to be "in love" with someone you barely know, be it me or someone else, that is how she felt at that point in time. Then when things go to hell like they always do, she looks back on it and says she never felt that way.

[peiper]

I probably would have recycled one more time. His cheating consisted at first of doing things with her that were specifically 'ours' (taking her on a motorcycle ride, watching a football game together) and then later I 'accidentally' read a message that was meant for her but sent to me. I had to read it twice because they were the exact same words he had once written to me, so at first I thought (and hoped) it was an old message that suddenly popped up.

I still don't know if they are together, if he's still seeing her, if he slept with her. But sharing very dear activities with someone else or repeating himself to someone else, was enough for me. Shoot... .I probably would have had less of a problem with him sleeping with her.

This way of cheating was more hurtful to me than physical cheating and therefore a reason to NOT want him back this time. If he hadn't cheated on me, I'd probably have felt sorry for him again, excusing his behaviour due to work stress or any form of BPD/NPD/ADHD/manic-depressive and tough it up again.

I know exactly what you mean. How I found out was I found pictures of her and him at the dragraces in Phoenix. I've been a dragracer for years. I took her to her first race. That was a real punch in the gut!

[Heartbroken Eagle]

Sadly my ex did cheat. I wanted to stay for the sakes of my son but ultimately she did'nt love me anymore hence I left.

In hindsight it was the only decision... .

Still hurts like hell though!

[fred6]

Looking back, I realise he probably cheated on me for a few months before dumping me, but I had no idea.  I believe he was treating me really badly in the hope that I would dump him, so he could go off without feeling guilty.

Yep, or either to just run us off as to not address the real issues. It's easier to do nothing than to do the work to fix the problems... .

[vortex of confusion]

I probably shouldn't be commenting since I still haven't found a good way to leave. I thought I would chime in and say that I could live with him seeing someone else. We experimented with an open marriage so we could stay together for the kids. My problem is lack of trust, lack of dependability, and his basic inability to treat me and the family as a priority. Maybe I am a minority on this but I feel like I wouldn't be trying to find a way out IF he was willing to make more of an effort to work on being an active participant in the household. There are so many things that he can't do or won't do for whatever reason be it health or forgetfulness or whatever.

I am sick and tired of sitting home every weekend while he sits on his computer playing his games while being totally checked out. When we were exploring the open marriage stuff, he would give me way too many details and would lie about things even though we had given each other permission. I was totally willing to give him all of the things that he was trying to get from those other women. Now, I am no longer willing to do that and I just want out.

[CareTaker]

While working one Saturday, I decided to stop (I am self employed) and go surprise my ex. Maybe rather just go out somewhere nice for the afternoon. I got to her flat, and she wasn't there. So I just hung around, waiting in the car. Thinking she went to the shop. A car pulled up with her and another guy. They never saw me, and started kissing and hugging. Only when she got out the car, did she see me. She was stunned.

I went with her to her flat, and she started explaining that because of the long hours I work, and the little attention she was getting, she just had a fling.

She made it very clear it was my fault.

I still stuck around another 18 months, and she probably cheated on me repeatedly. Thank God I left when I did. I just couldn't take the brain drain any longer.

[Blimblam]

While working one Saturday, I decided to stop (I am self employed) and go surprise my ex. Maybe rather just go out somewhere nice for the afternoon. I got to her flat, and she wasn't there. So I just hung around, waiting in the car. Thinking she went to the shop. A car pulled up with her and another guy. They never saw me, and started kissing and hugging. Only when she got out the car, did she see me. She was stunned.

I went with her to her flat, and she started explaining that because of the long hours I work, and the little attention she was getting, she just had a fling.

She made it very clear it was my fault.

I still stuck around another 18 months, and she probably cheated on me repeatedly. Thank God I left when I did. I just couldn't take the brain drain any longer.

Nearly the same thing happened to me.  I started working long hours ring self emoloyed and she screwed me over. Rather than tell me my working long hours bothered her she just had a bunch of melt downs then started acting distant and secretive.

[going places]

To those that dealt with cheating, would you have stayed and edured all the other terrible things that come with the BPD if they remained faithful? (Is this even possible?)

I have a child with the BPDx and grew up without my father. I didn't want my kid to grow up without me so i would probably Answer yes, i would have stayed. Heck i forgave her for cheating a few times. The straw that brokes the camel's back was when she started screwing a bunch of people i know. But looking back on it, even with the cheating aside, i was not happy. I pretty much existed to make her happy but it was never enough. It ate away at my sense of self and i was slowly losing my identity. I didn't spend much time with my friends or family as everything had to be centered around our child, her two other  young children and having sex. All my money went to pay bills and even though she was getting $1,500 a month in support for her other children, she never volunteered to help with out financially. I also gained like 50-60 pounds while i was with her which i've managed to lose through her work and dedication.

In summary, had i stayed if she didnt cheat i would have still had to endure her BPD episodes which often times resulted in her physically assaluting me, hold in a lot of anger inside me as having any meaninful conversation about things we disagreed on were a complete waste of time and i probably would have been on my way to becoming morbedly obese. Combine all those things and it's an early trip to the graveyard.

If I knew in 1996, what I know today, I would have left him then, moved to the other side of the country and raised my kids by myself.

I grew up with an alcoholic father, and abusive mother... .in my humble opinion, NO dad or very little contact with the 'dad' would have been better than to live with what they lived with.

I am so thankful he cheated.

I never thought I'd say that... .but I am.

Had I NOT caught him having an affair... .I would still be 'under his spell'... .

I am SO thankful I caught him cheating.

[RedDove]

I agree with you Going Places... .I'm glad and relieved I caught him cheating. It was the final straw and allowed me to end the 4 year nightmare on the rollercoaster ride through hell and get away from him. He's a pathological liar, mentally I'll and unstable. He betrayed my loyalty and trust. He is not capable of taking responsibility or even apologizing for the hurt and pain he caused me, or others.

Had I not found that slip of paper he carelessly left on his coffee table with the OW's name and cell number written on it, I would not have finally faced and accepted who and what he truly is. After confronting him, he finally revealed he suffered from BPD. Looking back, I now know deep down that the cheating was going on throughout the entire 4 year encounter. I just chose not to see it until it was finally hitting me right in the face!