Break up has left me feeling hopeless and worthless

[H Hi]

Hi

I have very recently ended a relationship with someone who is undiagnosed high functioning BPD. The relationship lasted 4 months and when it was good it was heaven, when it was bad I felt confused, hurt and frustrated and never knew what triggered the anger and passive aggressive behaviour. My facial expressions were scrutinized, everything was scrutinized. I went from being a confident, happy, fun person to what I am now. Zero self esteem, lost a lot of weight, sleeping problems and totally depressed, with thoughts of hopelessnes and not wanting to be here.

The pain is ridiculous. i know the relationship was unhealthy and was not true love, but my feelings for her just can't be turned off. I ended it not becuase I didn't want to be with her but becuase I couldn't be with her. I went to see her to her face and told her. She asked to remain friends and I said I needed time to think. She then sent an email a few days later saying how she couldn't be with me because I was so controlling and critical. This was so confusing as I had already ended it. I replied that I said I understood and that I didn't think we could be friends. She emailed back with photos of somewhere she had been on the weekend and said it was a pity that I didn't think we could be friends.

I think she just needs to be the one in control and wants to keep pulling me around and keep me hanging on a peice of string.

I can't help wondering what she is doing and if she is with someone else already in an intimate way and it makes me feel sick. i wake up in the early hours and I think of her. I'm often thinking of her in a sexual way as things were so passionate and she was so unhinibated and enthusiastic. This also makes me feel sick.

I really want to start looking after myself and stop feeling so wretched!

[enlighten me]

It might not feel like it but I assure you it does get better. It wont though until you start taking care of yourself. Look at what you are now and ask yourself is tgat really who yoh are and who you want to be. You need to divert your feelings. Anger is a useful tool. It can motivate you to be better than you are now. One thing I recomend is to believe tge worst of them. I dont mean this as a tool for hate but as a shield to protect you. If you think the best of them then when hurtful things come out it knocks your recovery back. By expecting it you will soften the blow.

[fred6]

Hey H Hi,

Sorry for what you're going through. Seems like you've had a tough time lately. I'll echo the advice of enlighten me and say not to dwell on the good times in the relationship. If you haven't already found it, I'd like to offer you a link to read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - 10 Beliefs That Can Get You Stuck. You are in the right place, keep posting.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey H Hi, I'd say its normal to feel depressed after a b/u with a pwBPD.  Those w/BPD can really do a number on one's self-esteem and I should know, having been married to a pwBPD for 16 years.  But I'm here to tell you that it does get better and that one day you will look back and be grateful that you got off the roller coaster when you did.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Artisan]

Welcome home. We have all been where you are at. It does get better. No, you don't have borderline. Yes, you do have PTSD. No, things in the relationship wont get better and they won't change. Yes, it does take time to heal. Yes, dating is scary for a very very long time. Of course you are feeling self-esteem issues, now you get to learn who you really are and create the life you have always wanted ... .remember who you are, friend.

[H Hi]

Thank you to everyone who has replied to my post. It has helped to know that I am not alone and many people have felt and are feeling the pain and confusion of what I feel now.

I have no idea what was "true" in the relationship, the things she said, her past, her feelings for me, anything.

I don't know if anyone else has gone through this, is going through this, but I wake in the early hours and I desire her so much and end up masturbating a lot at the thought of the passion we had between us, how uninhibited she was and how much she seemed to desire me. I think all of this was just scratching an itch for her and wasn't love or true intimacy.

She told me she had been single most of her life, last lived with someone when she was at university, she is now 34. This should have raised alarm bells? I don't think she has been promiscious as she could be incredibly shy and quiet. When I first met her, her hands were shaking and I remember thinking that she seemed very down and fed up with things. Again, another warning sign.

Day 2 of no contact with her. I'm crying less, but go from anger, disgust, extreme sadness, yearning to hold her and be intimate with her, to talk to her and to feel the warmth that was once there.