Should I tell him what I know?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I haven't spoken to him since Thursday evening.  Didn't reply to his text message that night.  E-mailed him late that night to say that my phone battery is almost flat and that I won't be recharging.  Told him to take care of the last bit of work related stuff we were going to do together without me.  Also told him to let me know if there is anything of his that I have that he would like back so that I can leave it out for him.  Let him know that I was going to block his e-mail starting last night.

Before the battery went flat he send a message asking me to please call him (I rejected his calls).  He aksed the same in a short e-mail over the weekend and even wanted to know what was wrong. 

If you've read my recent thread you'll know that he went to see his fantasy girl in her hometown.  I was going to be mature about it and say nothing, but when he got back from the trip and I was in his car with him he had a song playing that I know reminds him of her (he probably forgot he told me) and he was singing along to it.  This made me so sick.  Apparently visibly so because he kept asking me what's wrong.  I imagine him listening to that the whole 4 -4 1/2 hour drive back from seeing her.  On a high.  My stomach turned.

Here is my big question:

1] Do I tell him that days before he left I opened his ipad (he knows I use it) and saw that the last thing he did on it was watch porn of a girl that matches his fantasy girl's physical description?  The girl in the video even started out wearing those shorty short jeans like she does and a tank top.

I knew before about him and watching porn like this.  This time it has hit me harder than before.  Him watching the porn, driving out there to see her (saying he went for work when he has none there), singing that song with me right next to him in his car with the passanger seat still readjusted from her sitting there . . .

I have talked to him about her many many times.  Nicely, not so nicely .  . . everything I can think of.  He keeps insisting that she is like a "sister" to him and that I am wrong about her even though the evidence speaks for itself and is plentiful that she is a nasty piece of work. 

I find myself over compensating because of his obsession with her.  He told me once that I am just "temporary" while she will "always be in my life" (this was in Easter).  After almost 2 years with him, of always putting his needs first and last, I feel I am losing my sanity because he finds someone, who has never done anything for him, worthy of always being in his life.  I don't know what more I can do to prove myself worthy.

2]Do I tell him that I've also seen on his ipad history that he visits his ex gf's Facebook page almost everyday? (they aren't FB friends)

They split up about 5 years ago, so I find this very upsetting that he is still so obsessed with her.  She is married and will have a baby in 3 months.  This is what makes it even more shocking: he looks at porn of pregnant and lactating women and of grown men being breast fed by women. <To me this is so shocking that I will never mention it to him.  I do feel the need to tell him that I know about him going to her fb everyday though.




The reasons why I am now at the end of my rope and considering telling him:

1]So he can no longer hide behind his denials. 

A year ago I confronted him about this (not evidence, just my feelings/impressions) and he told me I have an overly active imagination and very seriously suggested I go for therapy to help me with this.  I realize now that I was gaslighted.  I believed him and really thought I was going crazy.

2]So he can realize he has a problem and maybe even deal with it

I don't know how else to get him to face fact. 

He is living in 2 dream worlds.  In the one he is having fantasies about an ideal love with his ex even though he treated her just like he does me when they were together and gaslighted her. He didn't want her when he had her, but now clearly has convinced himself that they had the perfect love and that she walked out on him.  The truth his he chipped away at her self-esteem, drove her into therapy, made her feel bad about being on anti-depressants, said she wasn't sexual enough, didn't want to spend quality time with her, never tried to work on the issues that she told him were bothering her.  She seems like a nice enough person, but the fact is he threw her away emotionally long before she got up and physically left him.

In the other dream world he has put this mean girl on a pedestal and no matter how she uses him he refuses to see her for what she really is.  Obviously he is dreaming of the day when she will change and want to be with him.  She messes around with multiple guys, but only wants something permanent with wealthy and well built guys who are younger than my bf.  This he knows.

Where does his dreams leave me?  Stuck in the middle of nowhere.  He dreams about his past with his ex and getting back together.  He dreams about a future with this other woman.  He is living in the past and the future and here I am in his present being neglected.

Come to think of it, his ex and I are very giving people while his fantasy girl would rather slit her own throat before she'd do even one unselfish act for another human being.  It just occured to me that there might be some connection there.  Maybe he feels safe with someone who will never give him anything.  Maybe he is punishing me through her and feels in a twisted way that he is getting back at his ex in doing so?

WHAT DO I DO?  If I tell him these things he might go off the handle completely and fly into a rage and push me further away and even feel threatened by me because of what I know.  Yet, I feel this is the very last chance I have of possibly getting him - and us - on the path to recovery.

Please help.  I'm at the fork in the road and don't know which way to go, but know I need to pick a path soon.

[Perdita]

I haven't spoken to him since Thursday evening.  Didn't reply to his text message that night.  E-mailed him late that night to say that my phone battery is almost flat and that I won't be recharging.  Told him to take care of the last bit of work related stuff we were going to do together without me.  Also told him to let me know if there is anything of his that I have that he would like back so that I can leave it out for him.  Let him know that I was going to block his e-mail starting last night.

Before the battery went flat he send a message asking me to please call him (I rejected his calls).  He aksed the same in a short e-mail over the weekend and even wanted to know what was wrong. 

If you've read my recent thread you'll know that he went to see his fantasy girl in her hometown.  I was going to be mature about it and say nothing, but when he got back from the trip and I was in his car with him he had a song playing that I know reminds him of her (he probably forgot he told me) and he was singing along to it.  This made me so sick.  Apparently visibly so because he kept asking me what's wrong.  I imagine him listening to that the whole 4 -4 1/2 hour drive back from seeing her.  On a high.  My stomach turned.

Here is my big question:

1] Do I tell him that days before he left I opened his ipad (he knows I use it) and saw that the last thing he did on it was watch porn of a girl that matches his fantasy girl's physical description?  The girl in the video even started out wearing those shorty short jeans like she does and a tank top.

I knew before about him and watching porn like this.  This time it has hit me harder than before.  Him watching the porn, driving out there to see her (saying he went for work when he has none there), singing that song with me right next to him in his car with the passanger seat still readjusted from her sitting there . . .

I have talked to him about her many many times.  Nicely, not so nicely .  . . everything I can think of.  He keeps insisting that she is like a "sister" to him and that I am wrong about her even though the evidence speaks for itself and is plentiful that she is a nasty piece of work. 

I find myself over compensating because of his obsession with her.  He told me once that I am just "temporary" while she will "always be in my life" (this was in Easter).  After almost 2 years with him, of always putting his needs first and last, I feel I am losing my sanity because he finds someone, who has never done anything for him, worthy of always being in his life.  I don't know what more I can do to prove myself worthy.

2]Do I tell him that I've also seen on his ipad history that he visits his ex gf's Facebook page almost everyday? (they aren't FB friends)

They split up about 5 years ago, so I find this very upsetting that he is still so obsessed with her.  She is married and will have a baby in 3 months.  This is what makes it even more shocking: he looks at porn of pregnant and lactating women and of grown men being breast fed by women. <To me this is so shocking that I will never mention it to him.  I do feel the need to tell him that I know about him going to her fb everyday though.




The reasons why I am now at the end of my rope and considering telling him:

1]So he can no longer hide behind his denials. 

A year ago I confronted him about this (not evidence, just my feelings/impressions) and he told me I have an overly active imagination and very seriously suggested I go for therapy to help me with this.  I realize now that I was gaslighted.  I believed him and really thought I was going crazy.

2]So he can realize he has a problem and maybe even deal with it

I don't know how else to get him to face fact. 

He is living in 2 dream worlds.  In the one he is having fantasies about an ideal love with his ex even though he treated her just like he does me when they were together and gaslighted her. He didn't want her when he had her, but now clearly has convinced himself that they had the perfect love and that she walked out on him.  The truth his he chipped away at her self-esteem, drove her into therapy, made her feel bad about being on anti-depressants, said she wasn't sexual enough, didn't want to spend quality time with her, never tried to work on the issues that she told him were bothering her.  She seems like a nice enough person, but the fact is he threw her away emotionally long before she got up and physically left him.

In the other dream world he has put this mean girl on a pedestal and no matter how she uses him he refuses to see her for what she really is.  Obviously he is dreaming of the day when she will change and want to be with him.  She messes around with multiple guys, but only wants something permanent with wealthy and well built guys who are younger than my bf.  This he knows.

Where does his dreams leave me?  Stuck in the middle of nowhere.  He dreams about his past with his ex and getting back together.  He dreams about a future with this other woman.  He is living in the past and the future and here I am in his present being neglected.

Come to think of it, his ex and I are very giving people while his fantasy girl would rather slit her own throat before she'd do even one unselfish act for another human being.  It just occured to me that there might be some connection there.  Maybe he feels safe with someone who will never give him anything.  Maybe he is punishing me through her and feels in a twisted way that he is getting back at his ex in doing so?

WHAT DO I DO?  If I tell him these things he might go off the handle completely and fly into a rage and push me further away and even feel threatened by me because of what I know.  Yet, I feel this is the very last chance I have of possibly getting him - and us - on the path to recovery.

Please help.  I'm at the fork in the road and don't know which way to go, but know I need to pick a path soon.

[patientandclear]

He wants what he can't have. Seems very clear (and not unusual of course). Not being attainable makes these women safe. He doesn't have anything to lose and they are not a threat to take over his identity.

That isn't going to change if you explain to him that this bothers you.

I don't know what to recommend as there is not a readily available solution. This guy is not emotionally available. Your presence in his life probably enables him to focus on these other women because his need for care-taking is covered by you.

I'm sorry for your pain. Note that he is responsive when he can't have YOU.  This is a hard dynamic to change.

[Perdita]

Patientandclear, thanks for your valued input.

He wants what he can't have. Seems very clear (and not unusual of course). Not being attainable makes these women safe. He doesn't have anything to lose and they are not a threat to take over his identity.

I've come to this realization quite a while ago, but living with it is very painful.  Before I knew he has BPD I wrote him a letter and one of the things I said was that I am not looking to take over his identity (which I sense he feared).  I noticed at the time that it calmed him down a bit. 

Many times I have suggested spending less time together, but he is the one that always insist that we see each other (which is almost everyday and for hours at a time) and he always calls me during the day to tell me how his day is going.  Even though there hasn't been anything sexual in ages, he likes to hug, cuddle and be held (almost like a child).

That isn't going to change if you explain to him that this bothers you.

I don't know what to recommend as there is not a readily available solution. This guy is not emotionally available. Your presence in his life probably enables him to focus on these other women because his need for care-taking is covered by you.

I'm sorry for your pain. Note that he is responsive when he can't have YOU.  This is a hard dynamic to change.

Maybe that would be the right approach.  Perhaps I should ask him if he has ever noticed that he prefers it when a woman is unavailable and ask him why he thinks that is.  I know enough about his childhood to know where this comes from, but telling him won't help. 

Interesting that one of the main reasons he claims it ended with his ex was because she wanted marriage and kids and he doesn't.  He and I are on the same page about that.  Yet the first time he broke up with me he said it was because he wants those things and I don't!  This was before he came clean and admitted that he doesn't.  So I guess it actually scares him to have found someone who feels the same about that.  It's like he doesn't have excuses.

Thanks again.