Is there a perfect person for a borderline?

[antonio1213]

I was doing better but the last 2 days have been pretty hard for me.

In my eyes I seemed like the perfect person for my exBPDgf. I was the only other person besides her mother who could deal with her emotions and craziness. I handled her outburst pretty well if I do say so myself. I would always hold her and comfort her until she calmed down. She even told me that I was perfect for her and loved with everything she had (10 days before she left).

So I am just wondering is there a perfect person for a pwBPD? And if there isn't does that mean she will be alone when she gets older?

[Mutt]

She even told me that I was perfect for her and loved with everything she had (10 days before she left).

I think it's important to understand you were being idealized when she said these words, a pwBPD see the world in black and white. Was she in therapy? How self aware is she and desire to help herself?

[EaglesJuju]

I think there is a perfect person for another, regardless of mental illness or personality disorders.  What matters is the compatibility of both partners.  Everyone has individual differences or characteristics, it matters how well those unique traits mesh with each other.  I believe this is the same for pwBPD.  Not everyone with BPD acts the same, and it is erroneous to think they are the same. The differences amongst pwBPD are not different from co-dependents, narcissists etc.  Certainly, there are typologies that are more likely for compatibility for pwBPD, but to say there is a "perfect" person is a fallacy.  It truly depends on each of the people in the relationship.  

[Climbmountains91]

Mine said "i am the perfect woman for him" and he's gobsmacked anyone would wait around for a f@#*<* like him (his words not mine) but he cant love me in that way or anyone cause he's so damaged by what his ex did to him. He loves me one day but not the next, then the next day he loves me then ... .You know the cycle. Then he goes out every week trying to find replacements as I've witnessed with my own eyes and his friend tells me, BPD denys it. His on dating sites etc ... .Again you know the drill. I don't think they know how they feel one min to the next. Aswell as being the mother of his child. I demand some respect. Sorry i was being selfish there let out my own frustration.

[Indyan]

In my eyes I seemed like the perfect person for my exBPDgf. I was the only other person besides her mother who could deal with her emotions and craziness. I handled her outburst pretty well if I do say so myself. I would always hold her and comfort her until she calmed down. She even told me that I was perfect for her and loved with everything she had (10 days before she left).

So I am just wondering is there a perfect person for a pwBPD? And if there isn't does that mean she will be alone when she gets older?

I feel the same.

I think noone is perfect for them for long. They are not capable of happiness and trust. I've given so much to him, more that I knew myself capable of, and he still was dissatisfied. I'm sure he won't find someone as understanding and loving as I was... .

But who knows, maybe they don't want to be with someone loving and understanding? Maybe a selfish and very independant person, with lots of very strict boundaries, who gives little but expects little in return, would suit them better?

[vortex of confusion]

I think there is someone out there for everyone.

I think that there are other women out there that could make my husband very happy because they would be the stereotypical badgering, nagging wife, that would do her thing and let him do his. Basically, somebody that wants to mother him would be great. I know there are women out there like that. My mother and his mother both.

I don't know if I have a mental illness or not. I know I have baggage so the most I can hope for in the future is to find somebody that is my kind of crazy. Basically, their baggage and my baggage work together rather than against each other. I can put up with a whole lot of stuff as long as I know that somebody truly wants to be in a relationship with me. I don't think I could ever be in a relationship with a normal person. Being with a normal person is very different than having a normal relationship.

[Deeno02]

You can see the trail of damage her folks, on these posts. Some were together on 2 months while others were with their BPD'ers 20-30 plus years. End result is the same. We were all found not perfect by our BPD'ers, so no, there is no one perfect for them. Its only fleeting.

[Seriously?]

What I am learning is the more a person with BPD feels like you are good for them in a real way, that is when they have to push you away the most. They become so afraid of you abandoning them that they find a way to end it that won't hurt as much for them it is the total opposite of a healthy relationship. I was very angry with my husband before I started understanding he is in his own personal he'll except for brief periods of time. I guess there are some who can stay in this type relationship, but I personally could not be healthy myself if all my time and energy was spent on understanding and reacting to someone else's disord e red emotions.

[tim_tom]

I don't believe so, the cycle is that idealize then devalue. They are looking for prince charming. Idealization is great, but it sets a standard that nobody can live up to. When you inevitably let them down is when the trouble starts.

I'm sure people can handle them better, but I think the basic construct of emotional chaos is fixed

[CareTaker]

A BPD might not have a perfect match, but mine didn't worry about that. All she wanted was someone to always give in to her demands. Anyone. That is what makes me regret our 3 years together. It could have been anyone, nothing special about me.

I was the fool. I gave in to her demands, and that is what she wanted. It didn't matter who or what I was. All that mattered is that the whole world evolves around them.

She wanted a baby, and wanted to get married. There was no love here. There was just an addiction. I was addicted to a fantasy, and had to break away.

I learned about the disorder, and tried to accommodate her. I never told her about her problem, and tried to work things out. But it just doesn't get any better. No matter how hard you try. You always just do it wrong, or too little.

I remember some time ago, a distant relative died. The sister of her father who she has no contact with anymore. Her parents where divorced when she was young. Yet she was so traumatized by the death, that she had to take the day off work, and was "supposedly" deeply saddened. Obviously, I never took her feelings into consideration, and never gave my sincere condolences in a right manner. Despite her "huge" loss, she was quite capable of having a big fight.

Trust me, leaving is the best option. Don't toxic your life any further.

[Aussie0zborn]

You say you were doing better but the last two days have been hard for you. In that case, don't worry about who the perfect  person for you ex gf might be. It certainly isn't you and it isn't me. It's more than likely whoever or whatever she needs at the time. Be glad it's not you anymore.

What can you do to get these thoughts out of your head? My 19 year old cousin just posted this on FB "Every pain has a beginning and an end". If we can rely on these words of wisdom from a teenage girl, perhaps we can start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Believe me, no one switches that light off. Just look for it.

[CareTaker]

Every pain has a beginning and an end

I can relate to that AussieOzborn. What is important is when you decide to end that pain. You seriously have to consider if you want to live the rest of your life with all the issues these people have. I think the sooner you get out, the healthier. You just addicted to the toxic of this woman. And any addiction is bad for you. Forget love, they have a disorder from childhood trauma, and you have to accept there is no medication for it.

The choice you make today, determines tomorrow.

[FoolishMan]

I was doing better but the last 2 days have been pretty hard for me.

In my eyes I seemed like the perfect person for my exBPDgf. I was the only other person besides her mother who could deal with her emotions and craziness. I handled her outburst pretty well if I do say so myself. I would always hold her and comfort her until she calmed down. She even told me that I was perfect for her and loved with everything she had (10 days before she left).

So I am just wondering is there a perfect person for a pwBPD? And if there isn't does that mean she will be alone when she gets older?

I've read the staying board a lot and if that's anything to go by then the perfect person is someone who lets their SO do as they please. They might weakly enforce 'a boundary' now and then however it seems pwBPD just break these down over time or lie to get around it. You must also be prepared to allow cheating and take your pwBPD back anytime they decide they want back with you, you however, shall not cheat or even look at another person. Using SET seems to confuse matters more and means you can't ever respond to them in a way that you could a healthy person e.g. Directly.

For me, as much as my ex is trying to come back to me, I know I can never be that person so it is over, forever.

[hergestridge]

Relationsships is a one man show for pwBPD. It's very little to do with the other person.

It is one of the things that really hurt. We were utterly dispensible and easily replaceable.

At some point we may have seem "perfect" because of our willingness to adapt and eagerness to please, but we´re all familiar with that bottomless pit we have thrown our efforts in... .

If there is something typicall for pwBPD then it's the inability to adapt and settle. It doesn't get easier with time. For me I got to know my wife better and better over the 20 years we were together. For her it was different. For her it was like waking up with a stranger every day.

[Indyan]

I'm always amazed when I read about r/s that lasted for 20 years (or even 10 for that matter), like yours Herge.

Mine went from bliss to hell in less than 2 years!

[Blimblam]

I'm always amazed when I read about r/s that lasted for 20 years (or even 10 for that matter), like yours Herge.

Mine went from bliss to hell in less than 2 years!

Me as well!

[CareTaker]

The 'Honeymoon' phase with our Borderline envelops us in intensely euphoric sensations that make us believe that we've finally found the acceptance and love we've craved our entire life. We are perfection in our lover's eyes, and under their adoring gaze we are at last, able to fall in love with ourselves; such is the definition of infatuation. These heady, warm/gooey feelings are part of an intricate combination of bio-chemicals which are flooding our bloodstream and brain, and they are literally addictive--which sets the stage for obsessive longing.

Unfortunately, this phase is somewhat short lived, and if you've ever come down off of cocaine or crystal meth, you know how steep and hard that drop is--and you'll give anything in that moment, for just one more hit.

This I copied from another website. This just shows that you where not in love. You where just addicted to her. Like a drug. Never in my life have I ever experienced such hatred and verbal abuse over a period of 3 years in any previous relationship.

I cannot believe that I actually put up with this for so long. Looking back now I realize that I was addicted, because there is no way I would let anyone treat me so bad. And that while I am trying my best to keep up with their long list of demands.

It got to the point where I had to cross my last boundary, to please her. And I couldn't do that. I walked out, and because of that she will hate me. She has to, to fight anything good that could have been between us. Replacing me within 2 weeks, just confirms that they cannot be alone, and will take anybody, just as long as they can keep up with the demands.

Sadly though, in time the "honeymoon" period of this relationship will also end, and the vicious circle continues.

Not thanks, I rather go look for a woman who can love me in the same way as I love her. No addictions, just love.

[Deeno02]

The 'Honeymoon' phase with our Borderline envelops us in intensely euphoric sensations that make us believe that we've finally found the acceptance and love we've craved our entire life. We are perfection in our lover's eyes, and under their adoring gaze we are at last, able to fall in love with ourselves; such is the definition of infatuation. These heady, warm/gooey feelings are part of an intricate combination of bio-chemicals which are flooding our bloodstream and brain, and they are literally addictive--which sets the stage for obsessive longing.

Unfortunately, this phase is somewhat short lived, and if you've ever come down off of cocaine or crystal meth, you know how steep and hard that drop is--and you'll give anything in that moment, for just one more hit.

This I copied from another website. This just shows that you where not in love. You where just addicted to her. Like a drug. Never in my life have I ever experienced such hatred and verbal abuse over a period of 3 years in any previous relationship.

I cannot believe that I actually put up with this for so long. Looking back now I realize that I was addicted, because there is no way I would let anyone treat me so bad. And that while I am trying my best to keep up with their long list of demands.

It got to the point where I had to cross my last boundary, to please her. And I couldn't do that. I walked out, and because of that she will hate me. She has to, to fight anything good that could have been between us. Replacing me within 2 weeks, just confirms that they cannot be alone, and will take anybody, just as long as they can keep up with the demands.

Sadly though, in time the "honeymoon" period of this relationship will also end, and the vicious circle continues.

Not thanks, I rather go look for a woman who can love me in the same way as I love her. No addictions, just love.

As with mine. Couldnt believe a man would just walk out on his wife and 5 kids. Poor her, so I thought. Your right. I thought she was the one. She almost was. Now I know why her husband bailed after 15 years. 16 month relationship and I was almost the father to be of 5 more kids plus my 2. Thats how deep it was. I knew something just wasnt right. The verbal digs and the demands just grew. She thrived on the attension of being a single mother of 5 kids. Almost a martyr in peoples eyes. All smoke and mirrors. Got caught in the chaos, badly. Had a ring already picked out, was going to propose, but fate paid a visit. At the time I really had no clue about BPD. I heard about it in passing because I was a medical guy, so it was kind of touched on with the other PD's. Her final Treat me special or lose me shattered me and I withdrew within myself to see if this was what I really wanted. I wanted it to work so when I did contact her after about a week, I had already been replaced, or in the early stages of it. I was crushed. I was met with a "I finally know what I want". Glad you do. And you know what, my exBPDgf, so do I and it aint you... .

[Aussie JJ]

Hmmmm,

everyone mixes differently with different people.  pwBPD are people as well.  I thought about this ages ago and put down a list of things I would have had to change to have made it more stable, or made it work. 

If you get someone that is slightly narc, functional/operational, organised to the extreame and task oriented with some machoistic traits.  It would be a very stable partner for a pwBPD.  Personality traits match up to others and all of that but a basic breakdown would be below

Slightly Narc,

They would be confident in themselves, always showing off their troffy pwBPD and having those needs to be depended upon met. 

Machoistic,

They could take some of the devaluation, the pain would motivate them and wouldnt destroy the narc side of their personality. 

Funcitonal/operational,

This is goal orientated, set goal, acheive, black and white pattern of work behaviour. 

Task oriented,

goes along with functional/operational.  Does one task, not multiple at a time and doesnt overload themselves or the pwBPD. 

Organisation to the extreame,

control is comfort for a pwBPD, have a very regimented lifestyle with organisation it would be 'safe' for them. 

People will have different opinions about this.  My view is having multiple things on at the same time and being stressed or in any kind of negative situation would be something that would trigger those fears.  Each to their own, end of the day, without therapy and ownership for our individual roles in any relationship it is doomed to fail. 


AJJ. 

[CareTaker]

People will have different opinions about this.  My view is having multiple things on at the same time and being stressed or in any kind of negative situation would be something that would trigger those fears.  Each to their own, end of the day, without therapy and ownership for our individual roles in any relationship it is doomed to fail. 

You can only give in to another's demands for so long, while constantly being downgraded or being verbally abused. Always trying to do good, yet keep getting told how bad you treat them. For every good deed, there is a punishment.

I think the length of a relationship depends on what you prepared to sacrifice. After 3 years I realized there is nothing I can do to make the pain and confusion my ex fought with on a daily basis, go away. She would never be satisfied with just having a normal relationship, and just being a loving couple. At one stage I told her that I think she wakes up in the morning and thinks of something to fight about. It never ends.

I just gave up, and hope someone else can ease her pain. But I can't.

[Indyan]

I think the length of a relationship depends on what you prepared to sacrifice.

I think I would have sacrificied more (while hoping he'd seek treatment and get better) if I had no kids.

But seeing my D9 crying, freaking out during his crisis, was my limit.

[antelope]

I was doing better but the last 2 days have been pretty hard for me.

In my eyes I seemed like the perfect person for my exBPDgf. I was the only other person besides her mother who could deal with her emotions and craziness. I handled her outburst pretty well if I do say so myself. I would always hold her and comfort her until she calmed down. She even told me that I was perfect for her and loved with everything she had (10 days before she left).

So I am just wondering is there a perfect person for a pwBPD? And if there isn't does that mean she will be alone when she gets older?

at some point, ALL of us were 'perfect' for our BPDexes b/c we were enabling them... .that, for the BPD, is the ideal scenario: to be enabled and allowed to do as they please without reproach or penalty

[ReluctantSurvivor]

The perfect person for a pwBPD is a therapist skilled in CBT and DBT.  Even a pro won't do any good if the pwBPD is not ready to address their disorder.  So in a way the perfect person for a pwBPD is themselves, to cross that threshold and be able to look at their self.  Sadly this is the least likely thing for them.  It is easier to use others like objects to distract themselves over and over.

[hergestridge]

The perfect person for a pwBPD is a therapist skilled in CBT and DBT.  Even a pro won't do any good if the pwBPD is not ready to address their disorder.  So in a way the perfect person for a pwBPD is themselves, to cross that threshold and be able to look at their self.  Sadly this is the least likely thing for them.  It is easier to use others like objects to distract themselves over and over.

And that is the correct (but slightly depressing) answer to the question. You hit the nail on the head.

[BrokenFamily]

Hmmmm,

everyone mixes differently with different people.  pwBPD are people as well.  I thought about this ages ago and put down a list of things I would have had to change to have made it more stable, or made it work. 

If you get someone that is slightly narc, functional/operational, organised to the extreame and task oriented with some machoistic traits.  It would be a very stable partner for a pwBPD.  Personality traits match up to others and all of that but a basic breakdown would be below

Slightly Narc,

They would be confident in themselves, always showing off their troffy pwBPD and having those needs to be depended upon met. 

Machoistic,

They could take some of the devaluation, the pain would motivate them and wouldnt destroy the narc side of their personality. 

Funcitonal/operational,

This is goal orientated, set goal, acheive, black and white pattern of work behaviour. 

Task oriented,

goes along with functional/operational.  Does one task, not multiple at a time and doesnt overload themselves or the pwBPD. 

Organisation to the extreame,

control is comfort for a pwBPD, have a very regimented lifestyle with organisation it would be 'safe' for them. 

People will have different opinions about this.  My view is having multiple things on at the same time and being stressed or in any kind of negative situation would be something that would trigger those fears.  Each to their own, end of the day, without therapy and ownership for our individual roles in any relationship it is doomed to fail. 


AJJ. 

The above sounds like me almost perfectly! We had an amazing life for almost 4 years a beautiful daughter and so much love. Weeks before the breakup she said she's happier than she's even been in her life and she loves me more than she's ever loved anyone. She became upset that her best friend had a new best friend and said she felt trapped being a mother and settling down. I reminded her she was just saying how she hated those girls who go out and party leaving their children at home. I went on to explain that if she ever felt the need to go out I'd be happy to stay home with the baby, give her money and let her use my car. She declined and insisted she was happy. The following day was the first of our breakups at the end, she noticed a bag of salad missing from the refrigerator and accused me of having sex with a vegetarian while she was at work. I'm not the cheating type nor would I every disrespect my family, self or fiance but she truly believe it happened. That was one of many times she's made up amazing tails of me cheating, despite always being proven wrong she still kept doing it and insisted she didn't have a problem. I can live with the breakup, I can also live with the fact that she replaced me the following day but what I can't live with is her erasing the memories of the amazing life we had together while it lasted. I understand it's a coping mechanism for her and she's painted me and our relationship black but it's impossible for me or anyone else to believe that she actually believes her own non sense.

[Indyan]

what I can't live with is her erasing the memories of the amazing life we had together while it lasted. I understand it's a coping mechanism for her and she's painted me and our relationship black but it's impossible for me or anyone else to believe that she actually believes her own non sense.

Same here  :'(

[Deeno02]

what I can't live with is her erasing the memories of the amazing life we had together while it lasted. I understand it's a coping mechanism for her and she's painted me and our relationship black but it's impossible for me or anyone else to believe that she actually believes her own non sense.

Same here  :'(

They believe it. Its how they roll. So i have to walk around now knowing that she painted me black to everyone who will listen on how bad a boyfriend  i was.