I haven't posted on here for a while now and I think this really means that I have finally given up all hope. I know I will come back here once I start a new relationship. In retrospect I can give my two cents without sounding completely confused and baffled over the past 5 months of torture.
So I want to talk to my ex though for some reason. I am finally starting to believe that I do indeed deserve someone better than her, but of course in my mind for the longest time it seemed like I let the 'golden goose' get away.
Not sure why I want to talk to her though, but it seems like I want to get a few more morsels off my mind. Not sure if I want to let her know that what I felt was unbelievable, or just that I really want to make sure that this was all in my mind.
Please don't tell me to not contact her, I have done that for just about 4 months. (exception is the times I talked to her at work)
At this point she is happy with a new guy, it could last forever, or not, what matters is figuring out what I need.
Can you tell me from experience, what I should talk to her about, what should I tell her?
I feel like there is so much that I know about our/her situation that she has no idea about.
I asked if she wanted to talk to me after work sometime, she said ok, but no definite date. Yes she still might not want to talk to me for whatever reason, but I literally cannot lose anything now. So I will try to get that 30 minute talk outside work.
The farther away she gets, the less I believe that what I felt was real or healthy.
Also I don't think I could regret telling her something about what I think.
I don't want to hurt her, but I want her to know just how this whole experience has messed with my head and my perception of reality even.
I do want to help her though, but that just seems impossible with her new bf and my old feelings.
Ok while writing I think I concluded why I still feel like talking to her. I just want to know if what I felt was real or imagined.
I must add that this whole dynamic was incredibly powerful, this is what has caused me to die a bit inside, it was most likely the seduction and waif behavior that attributed to this. Nonetheless I was able to be myself and it was so much easier talking to her and being happy for pretty much no reason, that I still crave that feeling of being understood by someone.
At the end all we seemed to do was remind each other of all the flaws in us that we were completely oblivious to, since we didn't realize just how hard it is to change what we don't like about ourselves. Like both looking in the mirror or under the mask.
I wonder if this is what I think deep down will free me. There is no telling what is going through her mind. From the way she has behaved in the past 4 months it seems that she moved on completely, but I still feel some type of anxiety or nervous behavior in her when I am around her.
Like she is trying to prove something to me.
Do I really mean nothing to her if she try to stay away from me as much as she can? She said it was hard that we have to work together.
Maybe I'm being sucked back into the madness by my own doing. I need to tell her what is on my mind. After that I know there is nothing else that should be done.
Any advice is appreciated.
