New Relationship Already In Turmoil

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I met this wonderful woman in early March of 2016.  She and I had a great first three weeks together and then some things began happening.  I began to become concerned when the "I Love Yous" started after only a few weeks.  She was on Spring Break from her teaching job.  We are both 40 years old and I was surprised to see how much she was drinking and using Marijuana during those two weeks.  She was intoxicated one night while we were playing a board game that she was winning and began calling me her "b___".  I spoke up and said I don't like being called names.  Within a week I expressed some disappointment that she had ended one of our dates abruptly and she split for almost three weeks. 

Upon returning we were only together for a week before the next incident.  I had tendonitis in one of my ankles, my doctor put me in a walking cast.  The day she saw me with the cast on she canceled all of our plans to go to a baseball game and to do some hiking the next day because, "You shouldn't be walking at all!"  I've been through it before so I knew I could walk 2-3 blocks on even pavement, but the hiking was certainly out.  The next day she dropped me off at home, said she was going to be busy doing her taxes and would call me later.  We had plans to hike and I thought we'd spend the day together.  Later I called her and she told me we needed space because I kept making jokes about still being able to hike and it "pissed her off".  I told her I wasn't able to deal with the unpredictable nature of our relationship and said I would be moving on.  She said, "fine".  She sent me a few messages asking what had happened and then got angry when I wasn't complying with her demands. 

After two weeks of silence I got a "Hey" text on a Friday around 4pm.  We began a dialog and within a week we were seeing each other again.  This time I told her I knew she would split again and she simply needed to tell me clearly that she needs space, rather than hoping I just get the hint.  We ended up sleeping together and have a condom break that could have resulted in a pregnancy.  She refused to take any emergency contraception and was not on the pill.  I'm 40 and thought to myself, I care for her enough to take care of this if the child is mine.  I was concerned she may have been with other guys during our break.  We made plans to attend another baseball game out of town for the Memorial Day weekend and things were good during that time.  After the weekend she was wrapping up the last week of her school year and by that Friday she had cut off all communication.

I wrote her a text message after several days of silence asking if we could meet to say goodbye if she was leaving again.  At this point I didn't realize what I was dealing with.  She initially told me she lost her phone charger, became very angry, and was not at all receptive to my request.  Once we finally did meet she explained she was off her meds and that she had been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and then later it was simply depression.  The meds she takes are used to treat a variety of things, but bi-polar disorder is one of them. 

She went out that night with a friend of mine and I and he shared with me that she shared she had used crack for a while after her fiancé had passed away.  She told my buddy she loved me, but sometimes she just couldn't get me to "Shut the #$@% up!"  I asked her if that's how she wanted to talk to me?  She felt ashamed and apologized.  She really did have fun that night and upon leaving asked me to come over and spend the night.  I did and we had a great weekend.  We were back to "I love you". and I felt amazing. 

Unfortunately on Father's day weekend another split occurred.  She shared with me on Sunday morning that she had "gone out" with a former boyfriend in her hometown and gotten drunk.  I was unhappy, but wasn't about to express that over a text.  We had agreed the week earlier to be exclusive.  Throughout the day she kept texting me asking if I was ok and accusing me of being angry.  I finally shared with her that I didn't feel great about it.  She responded, "He's just a friend, we're fine.  Have fun with your dad!"  We had some exchanges throughout the day like that.  I would stop texting and she would follow up with, "I love you!" and a slew of emojis exhibiting delight.  When I finally got upset and said she was blowing me off and asked her where she slept the night before she became enraged and ignored my texts. 

I stopped by her house on my way home.  While she opened her door to me and invited me in she would not let me touch her and would not discuss anything.  She said she would talk to me when she was ready.  I left and then came back to give her a hug.  She invited me back in, but refused to let me near her.  I backed away and left in tears.  That night I apologized via a text for stopping by unannounced and said I was ready to listen when she was ready to talk.  Two days later she said she was "scared" that I stopped by and that she was heart broken, but she could not see me anymore.  I told her I understood and accepted it.  She hasn't contacted me since. 

What do I do?  Can she be helped?  Can this be salvaged? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sarah May]

You must be so confused!  This whirlwind of craziness has certainly been the hallmark of my relationships with borderlines.  There are so many red flags here, it is tough to know where to start.  I will begin by saying that the only person you have any control over is yourself.  What do you want?  What do you need?  Are you happy with the way things are with this woman, or are you hoping she might change?  It is very normal to want to return to the good and close times.  The chaos and pain of the rejections and cheating tends to increase certain hormones in our bodies.  Being in a state of fight or flight makes us feel alive.  Unfortunately, a constant existence bathed in stress hormones is not healthy.  Ask your girlfriend if she is willing to work with you in counseling to nail down some ground rules for the relationship.  If the answer is no, or the abuse continues, I think you have your answer.   

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Sarah I see the red flags too.  I've started dating other people, though I don't sleep with anyone, just so I can move forward.  I'm a good person and I think my "girlfriend" knows this without question.  Unfortunately she sees me as another person she can do this to.  She doesn't have close friendships, only people she used to "party" with.  I feel bad for her, but I know I am probably better off keeping my distance.  We haven't spoken for a week and I will not reach out to her.  She told me she felt "scared" when I came to her house.  When a woman tells me that all I can think of are all the ways I'll end up in trouble of some kind.  It breaks my heart to shut the door, but that may be what I have to do. 

If she doesn't stay on her meds, go to counseling, and help herself this won't ever work.   :'(

As far as what want.  I want someone who wants to help me when I say I am upset, not a person who runs and tells me she "needs time" to process even the simplest request.  I want a person who wants to grow together, not someone who expects me to "fit in" to her vision of the world.  I want a partner. 

[livednlearned]

Hi SheAskedForABreak,

As far as what want.  I want someone who wants to help me when I say I am upset, not a person who runs and tells me she "needs time" to process even the simplest request.  I want a person who wants to grow together, not someone who expects me to "fit in" to her vision of the world.  I want a partner.  

BPD is like riding an emotional roller coaster, an intense struggle with emotional regulation that can be hard for us to imagine. Her intense feelings shift quickly and rapidly and make cognitive distortions likely, followed by impulsive behaviors, sometimes even psychosis during severe distress.

With my BPD loved one, I notice too that competence in one area does not necessarily mean competence in another area. A lot of people with BPD regulate their emotions externally, so if the environment is invalidating, they feel invalidated. If the environment is validating, they feel validated. Validation helps them regulate emotions.

This puts the burden of emotional maturity on our shoulders. We can expect more when we do it in tandem with them. That means learning some skills and working on our own emotional reactivity, plus having support from others who understand what it's like to be in these relationships.

It's not easy work. It's also rewarding, and the skills apply to any and all relationships, not just BPD.