Becoming aware of the psychological abuse

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

I've been coping with BPD/STPD going totally crazy since July.

He's paranoid and is slowly destroying me. I feel I'm sinking and need to react soon.

We have a baby together, and obviously this has been his angle of attack. I also have a daughter, aged 10, who is seriously affected by the situation, by seeing her (ex) stepfather going mad, and by seeing me in despair.

Last night, following a few nasty emails I'd received from him, I cried in my daughter's arms, it was the first time it'd happened.

I realized I need to do something to get out of this, and will contact a local organisation for abused housewives.

Here's a list of the things is done to me:

- when we were living together: insults, critics, breaking things, leaving me alone when pregnant telling me that "I deserved to be in the sht" or that "he wanted the baby but not me".

- before his big crisis last July: threatening to ask for shared custody (baby was only a few months old), threatening to send the notice letter to the landlord, saw a lawyer behind my back

- crisis: threatened to leave me with no money, demanded that the kids and I sleep at the hotel, called the police pretending I was violent, then phoned his family to tell how desperate he was and how horrible I was (!).

Since then:

- demanded to see our baby in presence of a member of his family many, many times (which is a burden to me as I know his family enables his behaviour)

- left suddenly, saying that I'll have no money and that I could just use my savings to survive

- then wrote to the benefits to tell them I had lied, that we weren't separated (while refusing mediation with me)

- sent the notice letter to the landlord behind my back, telling me "to arrange with him how I will pay for the rent" (knowing I stopped working just before baby was born to take care of him).

- has been nagging me regularly about "getting news" about his son, and that I'm a horrible person who's not letting him see his son (when I've done as much as I could - too much in fact)

- Refuses to give the keys to the house back, when he moved out 4 months ago and has no belongings here anymore.

- Has tried to take baby away without my consent and when we had arranged something once, refused to bring him back at the agreed time, didn't pick up the phone until several hours after the arranged time (it was the first time baby was going away from me, 1.5h drive from here).

- told lies to his family about me (that I was trying to rip him off, that I'm persecuting him, not letting him see his baby... .)

- accuses me of all sorts of things (I'm a NPD etc)

- sends me long nasty emails about money, mixing sentences such as "I want to help you as much as I can" and "You'll have to pay me back the things I paid for", saying horrible things about my family, saying I should ask help from my D10's dad etc.

I've hit rock bottom, I feel I will never get out of here on all levels (emotionally, financially, family... .)  :'(

Have you been or are you in a similar situation? If yes what did/do you do to protect yourself and the kids?

[Indyan]

Hi,

I've been coping with BPD/STPD going totally crazy since July.

He's paranoid and is slowly destroying me. I feel I'm sinking and need to react soon.

We have a baby together, and obviously this has been his angle of attack. I also have a daughter, aged 10, who is seriously affected by the situation, by seeing her (ex) stepfather going mad, and by seeing me in despair.

Last night, following a few nasty emails I'd received from him, I cried in my daughter's arms, it was the first time it'd happened.

I realized I need to do something to get out of this, and will contact a local organisation for abused housewives.

Here's a list of the things is done to me:

- when we were living together: insults, critics, breaking things, leaving me alone when pregnant telling me that "I deserved to be in the sht" or that "he wanted the baby but not me".

- before his big crisis last July: threatening to ask for shared custody (baby was only a few months old), threatening to send the notice letter to the landlord, saw a lawyer behind my back

- crisis: threatened to leave me with no money, demanded that the kids and I sleep at the hotel, called the police pretending I was violent, then phoned his family to tell how desperate he was and how horrible I was (!).

Since then:

- demanded to see our baby in presence of a member of his family many, many times (which is a burden to me as I know his family enables his behaviour)

- left suddenly, saying that I'll have no money and that I could just use my savings to survive

- then wrote to the benefits to tell them I had lied, that we weren't separated (while refusing mediation with me)

- sent the notice letter to the landlord behind my back, telling me "to arrange with him how I will pay for the rent" (knowing I stopped working just before baby was born to take care of him).

- has been nagging me regularly about "getting news" about his son, and that I'm a horrible person who's not letting him see his son (when I've done as much as I could - too much in fact)

- Refuses to give the keys to the house back, when he moved out 4 months ago and has no belongings here anymore.

- Has tried to take baby away without my consent and when we had arranged something once, refused to bring him back at the agreed time, didn't pick up the phone until several hours after the arranged time (it was the first time baby was going away from me, 1.5h drive from here).

- told lies to his family about me (that I was trying to rip him off, that I'm persecuting him, not letting him see his baby... .)

- accuses me of all sorts of things (I'm a NPD etc)

- sends me long nasty emails about money, mixing sentences such as "I want to help you as much as I can" and "You'll have to pay me back the things I paid for", saying horrible things about my family, saying I should ask help from my D10's dad etc.

I've hit rock bottom, I feel I will never get out of here on all levels (emotionally, financially, family... .)  :'(

Have you been or are you in a similar situation? If yes what did/do you do to protect yourself and the kids?

[Matt]

Indyan,

Well I think most of us have experienced some of this - for me it was verbal abuse, threats, accusations, crazy stuff in front of the kids, and a little violence (but never enough to make me really afraid).  Financial destruction but I had a good income so that wasn't too scary.  But the whole thing did wear me down psychologically, quite a bit, over ten years.

A few things I can suggest, but I don't know enough about your situation or how things work there to say for sure what will be best for you:

First, I think you need to figure out some things that will help you stay strong through all this.  Cardiovascular exercise every day, for sure.  Some quiet time for yourself - tough when you're taking care of a young child but maybe you can get someone to watch him just for an hour or so each day.  Meditation or some other way to manage your stress.

Three sources of support:  peers (like here), family and close friends you can talk openly with and who will always have your back, and a professional like a counselor.  If you can get those three sources of support lined up, and make use of them regularly, that will help you a lot - it helped me get through the worst times.

Finally, a good attorney.  Talking with an attorney doesn't mean you have to get a divorce.  You need to know your choices and how things work where you live.  Many women in situations like yours believe it when the guy says "I won't give you a penny!" - I mean in situations where he makes most of the money and you can't support yourself yet.  I think an attorney will probably tell you not to worry about that - he can't cut off support and if he tries it will be easy to get the court to intervene and make him pay you enough each month to maintain your lifestyle and take care of the kids.  Women who have big financial problems when they split up, it's usually because they don't know they can get the court to order immediate support - temporary support while the legal stuff is still being decided.  So just a short chat with an attorney may be very comforting, at least about the financial matters.

If you're concerned about the cost of an attorney, there are probably several solutions to that.  Some will give an initial consultation at no cost, or not too much.  You don't have to give anyone a big retainer (often a few thousand dollars) til you're sure it's the right thing to do.  There may also be legal resources provided by the court at no cost - you can go to the courthouse, or call to find out.  And it may also be possible to file something with the court without an attorney - ask someone at the court about that.  Your situation is fairly common and I think courts are usually helpful to women that need temporary help.

[whirlpoollife]

- Refuses to give the keys to the house back, when he moved out 4 months ago and has no belongings here anymore.

- Has tried to take baby away without my consent and when we had arranged something once, refused to bring him back at the agreed time, didn't pick up the phone until several hours after the arranged time (it was the first time baby was going away from me, 1.5h drive from here).

- told lies to his family about me (that I was trying to rip him off, that I'm persecuting him, not letting him see his baby... .)

- accuses me of all sorts of things (I'm a NPD etc)

- sends me long nasty emails about money, mixing sentences such as "I want to help you as much as I can" and "You'll have to pay me back the things I paid for", saying horrible things about my family, saying I should ask help from my D10's dad etc.

I've hit rock bottom, I feel I will never get out of here on all levels (emotionally, financially, family... .)  :'(

Have you been or are you in a similar situation? If yes what did/do you do to protect yourself and the kids?

Have the locks on the house re keyed. Get deadbolts if you don't have them . Depending on how many you have , buy new locks and change them yourself . That's not hard, you can utube it for instructions.  

Worth every penny to feel secure.  Sooner the better.

All that he is accusing you of sounds like projection of himself on to you.

Smear campaign , I don't have advice but have been and still am going through it. In laws I have devoted most of my life to... .turned their backs on me. Blood thicker than water. I don't miss them.  

If you were close to them , maybe write a letter or mass email to all that your h and you are seperating for good as he has a lot of issues that you can no longer handle but would still like contact with them .

Save the emails  to document the patterns of behavior.  You need a court order for custody , so he can't continue bulling and bossy you on when he wants the baby.  It's hard to let the child go to to the other spouse, but it either the court or spouse dictating the rules.

Local crisis shelter is good to go to. You don't need physical abuse to go into one.  I finally did. They helped me build me up back emotionally. It takes practice and time.

Stay strong.  

[Indyan]

Matt, thanks for your reply.

I have actually started doing some of the things you mentioned. I'm seeing a therapist (the one who told me that BPD is actually "more" than BPD but probably schizophrenic), and a psy nurse at the local psych centre. I've also contacted an association that helps family of mentally ill people, and this has been a great relief. I have a couple friends here, who are supportive. My family lives far, and is not very supportive though.

As for the lawyer, I saw one a couple of months ago, for free (I'm entitled to this because of my low income), but I can't see her again unless I "do" something. I haven't done anything yet about going for court order, because giving rights to someone who's totally delusional is freaky.

About money, we are not married, so I can't claim anything, and I don't want to, to be honest, as anything he's done so far was a double-edged sword.

You're right, I should take more care of myself on a physical level. I've lost a lot of weight - I'm 10pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight, and I gave birth in January... .and I was already rather slim. I'm tired from all the stress and from poor sleep. I do try to have some relaxing time when the kids are in bed, but I can't help thinking of all this, even when I'm having a bath... .like it's getting obsessional  

[Indyan]

Have the locks on the house re keyed. Get deadbolts if you don't have them . Depending on how many you have , buy new locks and change them yourself . That's not hard, you can utube it for instructions.  

Worth every penny to feel secure.  Sooner the better.

All that he is accusing you of sounds like projection of himself on to you.

Smear campaign , I don't have advice but have been and still am going through it. In laws I have devoted most of my life to... .turned their backs on me. Blood thicker than water. I don't miss them.  

If you were close to them , maybe write a letter or mass email to all that your h and you are seperating for good as he has a lot of issues that you can no longer handle but would still like contact with them .

Save the emails  to document the patterns of behavior.  You need a court order for custody , so he can't continue bulling and bossy you on when he wants the baby.  It's hard to let the child go to to the other spouse, but it either the court or spouse dictating the rules.

Local crisis shelter is good to go to. You don't need physical abuse to go into one.  I finally did. They helped me build me up back emotionally. It takes practice and time.

Stay strong.  

Thanks whirlpoollife.

I actually called a locksmith yesterday, but it cost loads to have the door lock changed... .I'll try to ask a friend to maybe change it for me.

His FOO, horrible people... .I did try to inform them of the tragedy coming, several times, the last time was when T told me about SZ and said "he needed treatment urgently or else paranoia would take the whole room in his life"  

They phoned T back and denied he has a "problem" and put the blame on me.

The thing is, I and people around me are getting concerned for my safety and the kids'. He has never been physically violent, but he looks so mad, that he could do something unexpected. Noone has a place for me to stay, which is a pity.

I contacted yesterday an association for abused women, a lawyer will answer my questions over the phone next week.

[ForeverDad]

When buying locksets, don't buy the cheapest brands, I don't know about today but in years past I heard their internal parts were weak (plastic?) and unable to withstand any kind of a forceful attempt, even a screwdriver.  Ask the staff in a couple stores which to avoid.  You don't have to go expensive, just practical and reasonably strong.

Be aware too that some locks may not be legal to install in certain scenarios.  One might be that you can't always use an all-key lockset, that is, one where you lock yourself in with a key and can't exit quickly in an emergency because a key is required.  Lock the scary people out, don't lock yourself in.

The point of this all is that... .You can take your life back.  Take the time to let go the fear, weakness and hopelessness.  Seek out options and ponder over them.  Develop a strategy.  Inaction is not a strategy, something you've already learned.  And reaction and defense are not strategies, not in themselves.  Assertiveness and proactive choices are.

[Matt]

The thing is, I and people around me are getting concerned for my safety and the kids'. He has never been physically violent, but he looks so mad, that he could do something unexpected. Noone has a place for me to stay, which is a pity.

You might want to ask an attorney about a temporary restraining order.

You don't have to accuse the other party of anything he didn't do.  A TRO is not a criminal thing.  It's for when you have reason to be concerned for your safety and the safety of your child, and it requires the other party to stay away from you.  An attorney can tell you how this works where you live - where I live it's called an "Order Of Protection" not a "Restraining Order" - and you can decide if it's a good idea or not.  Probably doesn't cost anything.

[Indyan]

Thanks, I'll look into this. 

[Iforget]

Depending on where you live... .I just went to the court house and filed a restraining order. I spoke to the magistrate. You could take copies of the emails with you. They are open 24 hours. If it's different where you live you could just call the police. I would not let him take the child. If you weren't married, and have no custody agreement on file then he can't force you to let him have visitation. A judge will probably back you on withholding visitation with the evidence you have. Your afraid right? Trust that feeling. let it guide your decisions.

[ForeverDad]

One serious disadvantage us Nice Guys and Nice Gals have is that we are too nice, too fair, too forgiving, too willing to minimize, too whatever.

How that translates when we go to court is that we don't reveal all the bad stuff that has happened, we minimize the impact on us and the level of fearfulness.  There is a real risk that the judge might not think it's really that bad since we almost seem to be making excuses for the misbehaving person.   In other words, we are prone to sabotage ourselves in court.  Our good qualities don't serve us well in that scenario.  So when you go to court, you can't be iffy and waffling, you have to be firm in what you know and tell it like it is, ex is scaring you, you are fearful and you want to keep distance between you and contact kept to a minimum.

(Warning:  My ex's lawyer tried to get me to say that sometimes I wasn't scared.  But I had been advised of that tactic, her lawyer's goal was to turn to the judge and say, "This guy is inconsistent.  He can't be both fearful and not fearful.  I move that the case be dismissed."

So be aware and beware.  Have you gotten some local legal advice?  You need a few consultations with family law attorneys to highlight the do's and don'ts in the legal arena.  However, if there are current urgent issues, you can't wait for consultation appointments.  The local DV agency or shelter can give you quick guidance.  And of course the peer support here is invaluable, feel free to keep picking our brains.  We've been there, done that.

[Indyan]

I'll ask all about restraining order etc with the legal advice I'll get next week, from the association I've contacted for emotionnally abused victims.

ForeverDad, what you say is what people from the association for relatives of mentally ill people (another association then) told me yesterday, at a meeting. They said I MUST go to the police and complain, as this will be the starting point for some other actions I may choose to take in the near future: not open the door to him, not let him take baby... .and even request that he sees a psychiatrist.

I'd always thought that in order to tell the police someone was scaring us, he'd have to threaten to harm us. But in fact I realize that he's done everything else... .but this.

I know that my behaviour has been far from consistent.  A few weeks ago, I even sent him an email with a song and wrote "we're missing you"... .which is true, we miss the nice guy in him... .you know what it's like.

I've kept being overnice, with him saying all the time that I'm not. I put up with things I shouldn't have, like agreeing that he comes with his dad every week-end, although that tore me up inside. He dares say I'm not letting him see his son, when I even let him sray 4 days a little while ago!

I've no idea what else he can try to do against me, and just wondering about this is a sign in itself that he scares the hell out of me.

But even worse, I feel lifeless, or more precisely that my life has been stolen from me, that from now on I won't be able to choose my life, for my kids and I. I've always been a very independant person, have lived abroad on my own from a young age and so on. Feeling trapped like this is like being in jail, no difference.

I know I need to get out of this, and I'm seeking help while I still have a bit of energy left. But I'm truly exhausted, I have to much to deal with: looking after 2 kids, with no money, no support from family (I have friends though), while looking for a job (I have a job interview in one hour!) and trying to protect myself legally, financially, emotionnally and physically from a man who is likely to be schizophrenic... .

What have I done to deserve such treatment?

I don't mean to self-pity, I'm not like that, and I'm certainly not like him.

But, as you said FD, we reach a point where we just need to admit that we need help and support, desperately.

I went to an office to ask for a house, I cried. It'd never happened before. The woman just said "what's your situation like?" and just saying "My situation is complicated... ." I cracked up.

I'm scared of this, of cracking up. I need to stand strong for the kids.

My D10's dad told me yesterday that he's looking for a nanny to pick up our daugther after school, so he'll be able to take her home FT. He's concerned for her safety.

I guess testifying on this will help for judgement. He also said he won't hesitate to write that he trusts me, that I'm a good mother etc.

He's a honest man, although I left him for crazyman... .yes, life is strange indeed.