Venting helps. My abuses, what were yours?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Everything being glorious and perfect in the beginning it just started off as a little more pressure, pushing for me to be there more as well as do more around her house and contribute more of my finances to her. Pressure in the typical way of saying things like "when a guy really loves a woman".  " so many other people would love to be in your shoes"  and " that's what real men do in a relationship"  at this point it was not constant but I think it was her plan to ease her way into this so I would start getting used to it!  I hate to say that it did work at the time but it did, I was in what I thought was love with her.  I think once she figured this out that I would put up with this The real abuses started!  Here are some of my examples of abuses and eccentricities,

What were yours?

I would take out for a nice dinner overspending what I could afford for fine dining only to be berated  and called a dog and a hunter always hunting for a new relationship because I looked at the waitress while ordering food.  I was told that her friend ____ was a real man because when he orders food he stares at the menu.

When we went out in public to any stores if a female crossed my line of vision that meant I was hunting and she was obviously a ___.


Doing grocery shopping on the way to the house was not appreciated when I showed up with over $100 worth of food, we would usually have a fight for a couple of hours because I obviously want to go grocery shopping so I can meet ___s.

Because I am obviously hunting at the grocery store she can break up with me for one or two days and go on A date and get back together and a simple apology to me should be enough because it was my fault anyways. One funny excuse to this is "we were broken up" was her justifying that it was okay.

I was constantly being put down and called a alcoholic because I have a couple of beers, she told me at one point she thought her children were beautiful and I agreed with her!  Later on that meant I was a pervert. This also went on into thinking I would even look at my own family members in a perverted way.  Being on constant defence is abusive! I should not have to defend that kind of bull crap.

In true disordered fashion all of my friends are toxic and not good Christians and must go even though they are guys, but she can have all the guy friends she wants. They are classified as friends or coworkers and it is even okay for her to go to the movies with them or dinner on the evenings I have to be with my children in a separate home so they can go to school the next day. I was not allowed female friends.

Guilted into paying for her unnecessary needs.

One Day travelling down the highway we stopped at a rest area to go the bathroom and she made me wait for her until she was done and then checked the handicapped bathroom to make sure nobody was in there so I could go to the bathroom, I was told this is because men like to go online and plan to meet ___s this way.

If I was with my children and fell asleep my children's phones would start ringing even after 10 PM in a frantic effort to reach me when my children should be sleeping, once she got my son on the phone and said is your father there or is he at the bar?  I never go to bars and I do not think that is appropriate to say to a 10-year-old.

I was told how ugly my children are and how bad of a father I am. In text messages she took great joy in calling my children names to me and telling me how imperfect they are!   I could mention her children's imperfections but it's not worth it

I was constantly reminded of how many men want to f**k her  and this is okay for her to say but I am still the sexual deviant.

I do not make a lot of money so I cannot pay people to do things around the house and I do it myself with my own labour out of love for her.  Never being Thanked but only reminded of how many men would like to be in my shoes and she could easily be with somebody that can afford to pay for these things. The lack of appreciation was amazing!

Always giving out her phone number and talking to other men and when I expressed my concerns I am just told that I am jealous.

towards the end of the relationship cheating on me was my fault,  but she did not feel bad about it because she broke up with me first.  Even though she only broke up with me for three days it is still not considered cheating.

She would ask frequently that I put 100 or $200 in her account because she was going to bounce checks, I already spend over $200 a week for things around her house and extra money for gas for the XtraDrive so when I did not have the money to put in her account on top of what I had already spent that made me a hateful man who did not love her or care. The lack of appreciation for what I had already done was amazing!

Driving down the road together if there was a female walking on the sidewalk I was always questioned whether or not I saw her. Did you see? Did you notice? Even in your peripheral vision?  This is one of those examples of a no-win situation that I was always put in. If i say no to keep the peace she will say I know you did and you are a habitual liar--hours of arguing begins.   If I say yes Then I am a dog and a hunter-- hours of arguing begins.

It's always okay for her to come home and tell me so-and-so from work is hor and interested in her.

Her telling me I cannot have female friends is protective, me asking her not to go out with other men is controlling.

I bought my daughter three outfits from under armour and because I only bought my ex two that meant I did not care enough about her.

I bought myself a nice pair of expensive sunglasses, only to hear where are mine?   Even though I pulled out her shoebox full of them and showed her she does not need a new pair I was still selfish.

After my divorce from my ex-wife it cost me a lot of moneyto keep some of the things that were important to me,  I was told I was selfish spending that money that way because it could have been better spent to improve our relationship.

Her constantly being on and off dating sites was always my fault,

I am not allowed to go to daughter's wedding because we argue to much, so I stay at the house and cook dinner for the week and take care of the animals and clean and do laundry only to find out when she gets home she could not go alone so she had to take her " friend" along.


In the end when we broke up for the last time it was because I found her on her dating site again, she would always dig through my phone looking for evidence of cheating but never find any, this prompted me to ask to see hers which she protected with her life and then I knew!

That night we went to bed after I had done all the chores in the house and she was digging through my phone while I was in the shower and started making the accusations, because she found nothing and I found on a dating site I told her I was all done and I was leaving because I cannot stand being disrespected like this any more and I did not care that it was 1 o'clock in the morning, she blocked me into a corner and screamed do not leave!  I said excuse me please get out of my way I want to leave,  she stood in front of me screaming. " talk to me ". Over and over and over again. Her face and eyes especially became something that I had never seen before, I could tell me walking out at this point was only going to make things worse and probably lead to police involvement somehow because the rage look in her eyes was getting worse the more I said I was leaving.  So I said okay let's talk in the morning, let's go to sleep and laid down, she cuddled right up to me as if nothing happened and fell asleep.

The next morning I got up and left for work and never went back, we talked on the phone and at this point ally said was I do not know what it is but you need some real help this is not okay and you are never going to survive a relationship long-term with anybody this way I think you need to get some help.  If you would like to do that I would like to do that with you but I cannot continue this relationship this way,  she only turned out around on me and said that I was the one that needed help and she was going to get it for me!  I tried to talk some sense into learn but it wasn't working so she once again Pauldoe another man!  Surprise surprise.

She said if you are not coming back up then I am going out with so-and-so.   I said that's okay go ahead keep him then, without getting help we have no relationship.  I have read that they will go to extreme measures to avoid abandonment real or imagined.  And I think that's why Shiwana calling me the crazy one that I need psychiatric care and wound up calling child services on me in a attempt to get my children taken away from me.

And ironically?  Tell me one week later That she really loves me and misses me so much?

Who can put up with all this crap?  At least I found out about my codependent nature of why I would put up with it for as long as I did with my therapist. As well as the site.  I think I have a better chance that my third relationship when I get to it. I am in no hurry, but she desperately needs to be married And has failed those attempts more times than we can count so at least I think after this relationship I will be better off than she is.

[Targeted]

Everything being glorious and perfect in the beginning it just started off as a little more pressure, pushing for me to be there more as well as do more around her house and contribute more of my finances to her. Pressure in the typical way of saying things like "when a guy really loves a woman".  " so many other people would love to be in your shoes"  and " that's what real men do in a relationship"  at this point it was not constant but I think it was her plan to ease her way into this so I would start getting used to it!  I hate to say that it did work at the time but it did, I was in what I thought was love with her.  I think once she figured this out that I would put up with this The real abuses started!  Here are some of my examples of abuses and eccentricities,

What were yours?

I would take out for a nice dinner overspending what I could afford for fine dining only to be berated  and called a dog and a hunter always hunting for a new relationship because I looked at the waitress while ordering food.  I was told that her friend ____ was a real man because when he orders food he stares at the menu.

When we went out in public to any stores if a female crossed my line of vision that meant I was hunting and she was obviously a ___.


Doing grocery shopping on the way to the house was not appreciated when I showed up with over $100 worth of food, we would usually have a fight for a couple of hours because I obviously want to go grocery shopping so I can meet ___s.

Because I am obviously hunting at the grocery store she can break up with me for one or two days and go on A date and get back together and a simple apology to me should be enough because it was my fault anyways. One funny excuse to this is "we were broken up" was her justifying that it was okay.

I was constantly being put down and called a alcoholic because I have a couple of beers, she told me at one point she thought her children were beautiful and I agreed with her!  Later on that meant I was a pervert. This also went on into thinking I would even look at my own family members in a perverted way.  Being on constant defence is abusive! I should not have to defend that kind of bull crap.

In true disordered fashion all of my friends are toxic and not good Christians and must go even though they are guys, but she can have all the guy friends she wants. They are classified as friends or coworkers and it is even okay for her to go to the movies with them or dinner on the evenings I have to be with my children in a separate home so they can go to school the next day. I was not allowed female friends.

Guilted into paying for her unnecessary needs.

One Day travelling down the highway we stopped at a rest area to go the bathroom and she made me wait for her until she was done and then checked the handicapped bathroom to make sure nobody was in there so I could go to the bathroom, I was told this is because men like to go online and plan to meet ___s this way.

If I was with my children and fell asleep my children's phones would start ringing even after 10 PM in a frantic effort to reach me when my children should be sleeping, once she got my son on the phone and said is your father there or is he at the bar?  I never go to bars and I do not think that is appropriate to say to a 10-year-old.

I was told how ugly my children are and how bad of a father I am. In text messages she took great joy in calling my children names to me and telling me how imperfect they are!   I could mention her children's imperfections but it's not worth it

I was constantly reminded of how many men want to f**k her  and this is okay for her to say but I am still the sexual deviant.

I do not make a lot of money so I cannot pay people to do things around the house and I do it myself with my own labour out of love for her.  Never being Thanked but only reminded of how many men would like to be in my shoes and she could easily be with somebody that can afford to pay for these things. The lack of appreciation was amazing!

Always giving out her phone number and talking to other men and when I expressed my concerns I am just told that I am jealous.

towards the end of the relationship cheating on me was my fault,  but she did not feel bad about it because she broke up with me first.  Even though she only broke up with me for three days it is still not considered cheating.

She would ask frequently that I put 100 or $200 in her account because she was going to bounce checks, I already spend over $200 a week for things around her house and extra money for gas for the XtraDrive so when I did not have the money to put in her account on top of what I had already spent that made me a hateful man who did not love her or care. The lack of appreciation for what I had already done was amazing!

Driving down the road together if there was a female walking on the sidewalk I was always questioned whether or not I saw her. Did you see? Did you notice? Even in your peripheral vision?  This is one of those examples of a no-win situation that I was always put in. If i say no to keep the peace she will say I know you did and you are a habitual liar--hours of arguing begins.   If I say yes Then I am a dog and a hunter-- hours of arguing begins.

It's always okay for her to come home and tell me so-and-so from work is hor and interested in her.

Her telling me I cannot have female friends is protective, me asking her not to go out with other men is controlling.

I bought my daughter three outfits from under armour and because I only bought my ex two that meant I did not care enough about her.

I bought myself a nice pair of expensive sunglasses, only to hear where are mine?   Even though I pulled out her shoebox full of them and showed her she does not need a new pair I was still selfish.

After my divorce from my ex-wife it cost me a lot of moneyto keep some of the things that were important to me,  I was told I was selfish spending that money that way because it could have been better spent to improve our relationship.

Her constantly being on and off dating sites was always my fault,

I am not allowed to go to daughter's wedding because we argue to much, so I stay at the house and cook dinner for the week and take care of the animals and clean and do laundry only to find out when she gets home she could not go alone so she had to take her " friend" along.


In the end when we broke up for the last time it was because I found her on her dating site again, she would always dig through my phone looking for evidence of cheating but never find any, this prompted me to ask to see hers which she protected with her life and then I knew!

That night we went to bed after I had done all the chores in the house and she was digging through my phone while I was in the shower and started making the accusations, because she found nothing and I found on a dating site I told her I was all done and I was leaving because I cannot stand being disrespected like this any more and I did not care that it was 1 o'clock in the morning, she blocked me into a corner and screamed do not leave!  I said excuse me please get out of my way I want to leave,  she stood in front of me screaming. " talk to me ". Over and over and over again. Her face and eyes especially became something that I had never seen before, I could tell me walking out at this point was only going to make things worse and probably lead to police involvement somehow because the rage look in her eyes was getting worse the more I said I was leaving.  So I said okay let's talk in the morning, let's go to sleep and laid down, she cuddled right up to me as if nothing happened and fell asleep.

The next morning I got up and left for work and never went back, we talked on the phone and at this point ally said was I do not know what it is but you need some real help this is not okay and you are never going to survive a relationship long-term with anybody this way I think you need to get some help.  If you would like to do that I would like to do that with you but I cannot continue this relationship this way,  she only turned out around on me and said that I was the one that needed help and she was going to get it for me!  I tried to talk some sense into learn but it wasn't working so she once again Pauldoe another man!  Surprise surprise.

She said if you are not coming back up then I am going out with so-and-so.   I said that's okay go ahead keep him then, without getting help we have no relationship.  I have read that they will go to extreme measures to avoid abandonment real or imagined.  And I think that's why Shiwana calling me the crazy one that I need psychiatric care and wound up calling child services on me in a attempt to get my children taken away from me.

And ironically?  Tell me one week later That she really loves me and misses me so much?

Who can put up with all this crap?  At least I found out about my codependent nature of why I would put up with it for as long as I did with my therapist. As well as the site.  I think I have a better chance that my third relationship when I get to it. I am in no hurry, but she desperately needs to be married And has failed those attempts more times than we can count so at least I think after this relationship I will be better off than she is.

[AwakenedOne]

In text messages she took great joy in calling my children names to me and telling me how imperfect they are!  

calling child services on me in a attempt to get my children taken away from me.

If I may be blunt... .

You are better off with probably 99% of the other women on the planet than this one. As far as your hopes go for her to get help, you might want to take a reality check on that concept. Mine went to get "help" for only a one hour session with a P. She never went back again and claimed that the P said that I am a "Controlling Azzhole" and nothing was wrong with her at all. Be glad you are out of this hell. I suggest you reread what you typed here if she ever calls you again so you remember to not go back. If she lies to child protective services on you she will do anything. DO NOT GO BACK.

Good luck my friend.

"My abuses, what were yours?"

Jealousy, rage, property damage, physical abuse, theft etc... .etc... .

[Targeted]

Yup!  Agreed!

[DangIthurts]

Reading this reminded me of a few of our first dates and the venom she displayed not at me but if she thought she noticed another girl looking at me it was always "___", "well you're taken".

And I agree mine came on stronger than I was ready for it was legit within 15 days that we went from talking to official quickest EVER for me.


I got BLOWN UP on for adding a bigger gal on FB [who I wouldn't be interested in if that was my soul mate for real ], but she was adding dudes constantly, right up until I even gave her a car ... But me asking her who that was, was controlling and stalking.


I agree, as much as I miss mine, I'm sure the people who are married, have children, been it 5,10,15 years+ would tell both of us we dodged a bullet. I feel different then you. But I definitely respect you walking... .I don't think I ever could have on her, because I'd rather take ___ then let her say I didn't try, granted from what I read on here they have a unique ability to distort reality so I'm sure in her head I left and am happily banging models like she so often liked to say.

[mitchell16]

venting does help. If it wasnt for these boards where i could vent there is no telling where I would be. Ive been out of my relationship with my exBPDgf for a pretty good while since about june and prior to that we was apart for almost a year. so when i start feeling like I miss her or i miss the percieved good times with her I come back to these boards. I read my old post and read what other people are still going through and It shakes me back to my senses.

You can never win with a BPD. They can not see logic. at least thats my experience. Mine could give out her number to strange men in bars and it was ok. I say thank you to a women and I wanted her or I was flirting. If I reminded her of her own behavior I loved to argue, or I was to jealous or I was to controlling. I once had to go through my FB page and explain who every person was that I was friends with. I had to explain how I knew them and what was our relationship. If she accused me of not doing enough things for her, like washing her car, mowing her yard, cooking or house work if i defended myself and explained what I did do, she would then say thing like " thats why I dont want you to do things for me cause you will throw them up to me. I was only defending myself. I am so glad I do not have to live like that anymore. It was by going strict NC that I was able to break free. Once I went NC and stayed NC I could see how abusive she really was and how I had lost my mind to stay with her as long as I did. I now sleep at night, im gaining weight again, My finances are great. I no longer worry about money. Leaving that crazy relationship was the bets thing I ever did. NC is the trick.