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Author Topic: woke up in tears (again)  (Read 1114 times)
BrokenFamily
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« on: November 19, 2014, 09:29:05 AM »

One day I feel okay and think everything is going to be fine and the next or a few days later I'm totally crushed again.

I've created my own closure; She didn't want to be with me and didn't see a future with me anymore for whatever reason.

She met and hooked up with a guy prior to the breakup and did see a future with him so she started a fight to breakup and be with him.

It's unfortunate but that's pretty much all there is to it.

A person without BPD may have accomplished the same goal in a different way taking my feelings into consideration, being honest and rational but unfortunately that wasn't the case.

I feel alone, I miss my family I'm in shock she's happily planning the holidays with my replacement and I'll be all alone.

In the last two months, I've lost my family, the girl I love, my daughter, two jobs and my vehicle.

Please GOD have mercy on me, I don't deserve this and I can't continue to cope with it.

I know I need to stay strong for my daughter but I can't take much more of this, I'm at the end of my rope. 

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Aussie JJ
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
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« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2014, 09:59:02 AM »

BrokenFamily,

I may appear together at times however it isn't the truth.  What you write could have been written by me with a few spelling mistakes... .

About 4-5 weeks ago, I had a moment where I lost it.  No reason, no rhyme, I broke down.  No-one around to see it, no-one around to be witness to it.  I was cleaning and found a note I wrote to her with her reply on it.  It had me promising to fix something and her telling me at the bottom thank-you, I love you, you are too good to me. 

It's the second or third time this has happened to me.  The loss of what I had envisioned is what hurts the most.  For me that breakdown had me sobbing reading the note.  Me telling myself I was pathetic and asking again, WHY?

There is no reason why, it just is.  Now its WHAT can I do.  This used to be constant for me.  Now its every so often.  WHAT can I do, what I have always done, work through it.  Find the peace and the answer that suits me.  That is the answer I deserve, that is the answer that matters.  WHY will I work through it?  Because I like you have a child to think about.  I concentrate on him not her.  It is hard to loose that family and those dreams. 

But FK ME, I will not loose my son.  You wont loose your daughter, it may take months and years.  You will get through this.  And when you are feeling like this, embrace it and ask yourself what your going to do.  Roll over or work through it.  Get the answers you need. 


AJJ. 
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2014, 10:51:11 AM »

I'm fighting this depression so hard but I'm losing. I drag myself out of bed trying to be optimistic and give up and go back to bed. I know I need to stay strong for my daughter but even she wouldn't want me to suffer this way. I'm being realistic when I say; I honestly I just can't hold it all together anymore. I struggled to keep my house for our daughter but I just can't live with the memories here. As a last ditch effort I'm going to move further away with family to try get myself better. I'm sure this will be more difficult on my daughter and make it more difficult for me to see her but I'm in total collapse mode and really find it impossible to cope anymore. 
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2014, 11:16:55 AM »

Excerpt
Please GOD have mercy on me, I don't deserve this and I can't continue to cope with it.

I have felt this same way so many times I cannot even count.  You can continue to cope with this, though.  You can.  And the way you cope with it, and perhaps the situation itself, will change and improve.  You will cope with and handle things much differently 6 months from now than you do, today.  It won't feel like *this* forever.  It won't.

I've begged God to change things and stop things from happening for about 12 years.  I still do, at times, but I've realized something that I still don't completely understand.  He doesn't promise to take all the bad things away.  But He does promise to be there with is in it and through it.  That may not seem like much at any given moment, and some times I was so depleted and tortured that I just wanted God to F##K-off, but He has been there the entire time.  Why doesn't He just stop it all and make it better?  I don't know.  But I do know that you can survive this, and you will.  Things will not be and feel like this forever.  There will be a day when you look back and say, "I'm so glad that is over."  Someone told me that 5 years ago, and at the time it seemed like that day would never come.  But it has.  Things aren't perfect, but they are so much better.

Your daughter needs you.  I know you know this.  I have two.  They would be lost without me.  Even if they couldn't see me for some reason, it would crush their little lives if I gave up.  And I've been there many times where I wanted to give up.  But I didn't.  :)o you know why?  Because I have character, and so do you.  It isn't an option.

Are you working with a Therapist?  Is it helping at all?  
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2014, 11:41:45 AM »

No therapist yet, no money... I'm barley getting by financially right now
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Caredverymuch
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« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2014, 11:53:03 AM »

I'm fighting this depression so hard but I'm losing. I drag myself out of bed trying to be optimistic and give up and go back to bed. I know I need to stay strong for my daughter but even she wouldn't want me to suffer this way. I'm being realistic when I say; I honestly I just can't hold it all together anymore. I struggled to keep my house for our daughter but I just can't live with the memories here. As a last ditch effort I'm going to move further away with family to try get myself better. I'm sure this will be more difficult on my daughter and make it more difficult for me to see her but I'm in total collapse mode and really find it impossible to cope anymore. 

I want to first start out by sending everyone of you a warm  .  I have tears in my eyes reading this thread and I want you to remember one very, very important thing Brokenfamily: YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS.   

I want you to know that I, like so many here, was absolutely where you are presently. Just barely able to function. Truly. Begging God to take the pain away and pleading "Why? Why? All I did was love.  Why?"  I would drive to quite places and just sit there weeping from the depth of my soul repeating the same phrase. 

We dont know why.  We may never know why.  What we do know is this.  Our partners have a serious mental illness and those horrifically hurtful behaviors belong to them.  And their disorder.  And we may be so truly and deeply and purely good hearted that our hearts and essence are no match for this disorder.  But our essence and our warm hearts are important and a blessed gift.  Your daughter will know and grow and your essence will become a wonderful part of her essence as well.  She needs you. No matter what else is happening.

Are you seeing a T?  Could you perhaps make a visit to family to let those that care blanket you in calm healing?

Please keep posting and please, please know. You will get to a better place.  You fell very hard as we all have. Brutally hard. But we help one another back up and we move forward together from this place of pain to a far better place.

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CareTaker
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« Reply #6 on: November 19, 2014, 11:54:48 AM »

Excerpt
No therapist yet, no money

One last post before I log off. BrokenFamily, my advice just for you.

I realized some time ago something was wrong with my ex. Long story short, I googled : girlfriend with very bad mood. And here I am today on this site. What helped me, and convinced me to walk out, is information. I studied BPD. I loved this woman so much, I was would have done anything to get this relationship right. Then I realized it was not love, it was an addiction and I was getting withdrawal symptoms.

The better you understand the disorder, the sooner you going to recover. It is all just a fantasy, you just got to convince yourself that. Good luck my friend.
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #7 on: November 19, 2014, 02:16:03 PM »

I feel the most hurt over her neglect of our daughter. The baby was once her whole world and now she just dumps her off with her mother, sleeps late and is more interested in my replacement. Sadly he's a total downgrade but seemingly a nice guy. I personally hate him because anyone in their right mind wouldn't be perusing a girl who just ended a 4 year relationship and has a child the same week they broke up.

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Rifka
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« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2014, 02:42:10 PM »

I feel the most hurt over her neglect of our daughter. The baby was once her whole world and now she just dumps her off with her mother, sleeps late and is more interested in my replacement. Sadly he's a total downgrade but seemingly a nice guy. I personally hate him because anyone in their right mind wouldn't be perusing a girl who just ended a 4 year relationship and has a child the same week they broke up.

Im sitting here crying for you. It is such a horrible experience to be tortured by pwBPD. Thankfully I don't have a child with my exBPDbf. It does make this even more difficult. Please know that we are all here for you. We all cry, vent and joke and learn to move on together. stay strong and try if you can to work on one thing at a time so that you are not mentally overwhelmed. Keep writing, it helped me a lot to find strength here. I didn't see a t, but got tons of great advice and knowledge here.

Hugs to you my friend, you are not alone.

Rifka

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2014, 02:52:51 PM »

I feel for you, man.  I still have to deal with my ex wife.  She still does her magic, so to speak, and she is still neglectful to our children.  Thankfully, our children are getting older.  I have a teenager who, though loving mom, sees that mom "acts like a teenage girl", does absolutely nasty things to people, and takes no responsibility for it.  I am thankful that I get to be in their lives, for I know it could be SO much worse!
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Pingo
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« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2014, 11:44:04 PM »

I'm fighting this depression so hard but I'm losing. I drag myself out of bed trying to be optimistic and give up and go back to bed. I know I need to stay strong for my daughter but even she wouldn't want me to suffer this way. I'm being realistic when I say; I honestly I just can't hold it all together anymore. I struggled to keep my house for our daughter but I just can't live with the memories here. As a last ditch effort I'm going to move further away with family to try get myself better. I'm sure this will be more difficult on my daughter and make it more difficult for me to see her but I'm in total collapse mode and really find it impossible to cope anymore. 

You do what you have to do to cope with this intense pain you are dealing with, there is no shame in moving to distance when need be.  This feeling won't last forever.  And as you heal and start to regain some strength and clarity you'll be able to give your daughter what she needs. 

I know you mentioned about money being a factor in not being able to see a T yet.  I recommend reading and journaling.  I think that these two things were just as valuable, if not more than the money I've spent on a T.  There are some great books recommended here in the book review section.  I've been fortunate enough to find most at my library or they will order them in for me. 

I'm 5 mths out now and although I still have my low days and my never ending anxiety which is so frustrating, the despair has lifted and it will for you too.  Just take one day at a time, moment to moment.  Sending you a big hug 
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2014, 08:06:16 AM »

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the suggestions and kindness!

Pingo: It's funny you say that; reading, journaling, job hunting, working out and taking bubble baths is just about all I do anymore.  

I've also learned to control or block my inner dialog, our thoughts seem to get the better of us at times and run out of control with self doubt. I've been stopping myself from thinking about her and how amazing our family was but changing the subject to something positive or listening to audio books.

I've been doing so much better day to day and have a good hold of my waking hours but dreams seem to still haunt me.

I must admit after reading much of the information on this site and hearing the similarities in the stories I've thought wow I have it much worse than most and there is now way I'll still be morning a year from now. It's only been two months and I'm getting much better with the help I've received from many of you.

I was given a bit of closure last night, my ex admitted the break up was also partially her fault and we were happy up until the end. My biggest concern was me and our whole relationship being painted black, we had so much love and I treated her so good I just couldn't live with her distorted version of events. So I did go to bed on a good note!

Unfortunately I was awaken by a 2am phone call from the ex crying with our daughter screaming in the background. Apparently her mother went out drinking and came home bullying my ex about not waking up in the morning to take care of our daughter and threatened trying to get full custody. This resulted in an all out fist fight which is quite common in the house.

I know I need to file for full custody but there are so many obstacles standing in my way at this time:

Cons:

I don't have a full time job anymore (lost as result of missed days during the break-up

I don't have the ability to care for our daughter full-time once I do return to work.

I don't want to take my daughter away from her mother

I don't have the money or time

I don't have any proof of neglect or abuse

I was a bouncer at a bar so I do have a few assault charges in my past

Pros:

I own a home where my daughter has a room crib and it's where she's always lived (my daughter sleeps on a couch with my ex)

I've scheduled and taken her to every Drs. appointment and have always been solely in charge of her health care.

I do not drink nor do I have 8 alcoholics with rage issues living in my home

When I am working I make more than their combined household.  

I have a plan written out with many options considerations covering all possible aspects, it's just a matter of time until they can be implemented.

Thank you all again for the continued support!
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Harlygirl
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« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2014, 08:26:00 AM »

Broken Family... .we can hear you are in pain... .And know that pain well.   This is your time to focus on yourself and seek the support you need and deserve... .from family, friends, counsel. Know that the capacity to seek support is a strength in and of itself,... .a strength to build on. Do what you have to do to help yourself heal.  Your pain feels overwhelming in this moment, but,... .as a wise friend has shown me... .this too will pass.  Keep pushing through the pain one day at a time... .small steps... .baby steps.  You will heal. 
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Mutt
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« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2014, 08:31:41 AM »

I've also learned to control or block my inner dialog, our thoughts seem to get the better of us at times and run out of control with self doubt. I've been stopping myself from thinking about her and how amazing our family was but changing the subject to something positive or listening to audio books.

Grieve. You suffered great loss. Grieving is normal. It's Ok.
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #14 on: November 20, 2014, 08:37:52 AM »

Thank you Harlygirl !

It's so unlike me I've always been an emotionally stable person and very successful in all my endeavors. I never thought I would fall victim to this type of thing because I'm very resilient and don't have a victim mentality. I've said and practiced my entire life radical responsibility. The way I see every adversity is I have created, taken part or allowed it to take place and constantly make changes to insure they are resolved and avoided in the future.

I'm only two months out of what I believed was the happiest time of my life with a family I was 100% committed and devoted to so there's still some pain but with the help of bpdfamily and some serious self-actualization (for lack of a better work) I'm growing stronger everyday and will maintain a focus on nothing but being the stable parent my daughter needs in her life, nothing else in the world matters to me.  
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BrokenFamily
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« Reply #15 on: November 20, 2014, 08:44:04 AM »

I've also learned to control or block my inner dialog, our thoughts seem to get the better of us at times and run out of control with self doubt. I've been stopping myself from thinking about her and how amazing our family was but changing the subject to something positive or listening to audio books.

Grieve. You suffered great loss. Grieving is normal. It's Ok.

Thank you Mutt, as always that is ineed excellent advice.

I was told years ago by a local Philadelphia legend in the field of behavioral science, professor psychiatry of Aaron T. Beck that if you must cry cry and let it out then move on with what you need to do. It's amazing I had the opportunity to have met him so many times in the past, unfortunately when I need him the most he is now very difficult to contact.   
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