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Author Topic: You've helped me make sense of my exBPD, now I want to give back  (Read 477 times)
finallyfreedom

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« on: November 19, 2014, 10:33:43 AM »

It's been two months since I broke it off with my BPD(?) ex-girlfriend, and I can say I've finally gotten my head sorted out. A lot of posts I read here that really helped me to wrap my head around just what the heck happened, and I'm really thankful to all the people who shared their experiences here. I want to do the same, because I know what it's like and maybe my experience and thoughts can help the next poor soul that wanders in here lurking for answers to all the questions that do not make any sense (at the time anyway).

I suppose I should start at the beginning... .We've met through online gaming (of all things), at the time I was young (23) in a serious long term relationship and she (29) "supposedly" just got out of a really bad abusive relationship. We were friends for a year or so, but it got out of hand with flirting. We ended up talking a lot, and through talking with her I got the feeling we shared a lot of same interests and desires in life. Suddenly she became this person who understood everything and said all the "right" things.

I ended up breaking my long term relationship - which I don't regret but that's a different story - because I wanted to be honest and not lead someone on, and booking a flight to the UK to go visit her. We spent two weeks together during which she did and said all the "right" things. If I was falling for her as a person before seeing her, I definitely fell in love with her by the end of week 1 in the UK.

I was more then happy to not care about her physical problems (she is severely physically disabled, trouble walking, needs a mobility scooter, etc) and I accepted that down the line when (not if) her disability got worse, I would have to shoulder pretty much everything. Love tends to do that to people, and I was in love over my ears.

What I notice now in hindsight is that even then, everything around her was surrounded with extreme drama. Her sisters hated her. Her father was a horrible person. Her ex-ex-boyfriend was extremely abusive and a rapist. Her ex-boyfriend had asbergers. Her landlord tried to poison her cat and physically pushed her around.

Anyway, after a few months of talking and skyping, we ended up deciding the best step forward was that she moves to my country in the EU, since in the UK she was on disability & incapacity welfare and I'm financially well off in my country. It seemed a little bit too soon, but I was in love and it seemed like the most logical decision.

I didn't consciously notice it at the time, but (again in hindsight) every time I took her out somewhere she always seemed much happier to stay home. I assumed it was because of her disability and after a few weeks stopped making suggestions about her going out. For some reason, maybe I uncosciously felt pity, but I was always aware in the back of my mind of the story about the abusive psycho rapist boyfriend, and wanted to give her all freedom in the world to be who she is and help her feel relaxed.

On the other hand, every time I went out to have coffee with friends or to work, or uni or to the gym (pretty much anywhere) I almost always got poked with subtle hints that I'll find someone else who's much more attractive and dump her. At first it was very puzzling to me because at the start of our relationship, I felt like she knew me intimately as a person and I felt like she should have known I don't purposefully go out with the mindset of meeting people to hook up with, but there was always the "you did that for me" line that I couldn't argue against. I didn't consciously plan for it, but over time it happened that I took the easy road and stopped making a conscious effort to stay in touch with friends, and socialize with others outside of work/uni.

During the 4 years we were together, I've slowly but steadily changed for the worse as a person. Feeling anxious all the time, but insomnia was by far the worst debilitating experience. I was walking on egg shells trying not to say or do the wrong thing, not out of fear of some episode of rage - quite the opposite she was never outwardly expressing negative emotions, she seemed more afraid of how I would react and would always talk to me as if she's the poor victim I've wronged by something trivial (like not buying her an iphone). I think what really pushed my buttons was the constant reminders of how much she "sacrificed" to come live with me (in retrospect, selling her stuff to afford a plane ticket is nothing considering when I left the UK I left her enough money for one).

I wrote it all off as cultural differences, even when she shared with me that her family teased her if they would get a ransom note and how many goats they would have to trade for her; although when one of her brother-in-laws condescendingly told me I should try talking to the dog in my native language to see if the dog understood me, I made it very clear I never want to interact with him again to avoid conflict in a foreign country.

If you asked me 4 months ago, I would have honestly told you that it's a wonderful relationship and that we're planning to get married in a few months. Even if the sex was boring, repetitive and lacklustre, I spent years talking to her and trying to help her understand she can express her fantasies and just relax. I always had the feeling she was doing everything in her power to make "it" end as fast as possible, it felt like she was just doing a job (I dismissed my feelings as just petty insecurities on my part).

Consciously I wasn't aware of any of it, a lot of my thoughts right now come out of hindsight and reflection. Anyway, at the beginning of September she woke up one morning and told me she "needs some space". Naturally, I've said it myself to girlfriends and had it said to me by girlfriends before, I knew where that was heading. I sat down with her and tried to talk about things with her like any normal adult would, but she was insistent that nothing was wrong and that it's all in her head (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!), long long talks of how much we love each other, taking my hand putting it on her stomach and telling me she wants our child to grow in there, etc... .You get the idea.

Honestly that month of talking to her when my brain was telling me something was wrong, and my heart was telling me that nothing is wrong, was the worst part of the whole ordeal. I've never before experienced that level of disconnected deception.

Anyway like I was saying I kept trying to work things out with her for the duration of September. She was due to go back to the UK for a few weeks in October to appear in court because I guess the government didn't appreciate she was receiving benefits while living in another country for 4 years. That was the story anyway, only reason I put a shred of trust into it is because I'm still receiving court invitations by mail.

Halfway through September, the story suddenly changes. Now she's first flying to the US because her parents suprised her with a $30k stem-cell treatment for her disability in San Francisco, then going to the UK to appear in court, and she would be back in a month. When I look back now, I believe that story 'clicked' something in my subconscious, it might not make any sense but I started to feel like I was waking up from a coma and I started remembering who I was before I met her.

About 4 days before she was due to leave on her flight, I walked in the bedroom (she was bedridden for pretty much the whole of september, claiming her leg was hurting but adamantly refused going to the hospital to see a doctor) and since the internet was down that evening I saw her phone next to her and recognized that skype was turned on and there was some picture there of some person. I think that was the last 'click' my head needed, I went back in the office room and lit a cigarette while I added up all the dots in my head.

When I went back to talk to her, I could hear her talking to someone through the door so I walked in and asked her to shut her phone off for a second because I wanted to talk to her alone. I flat out asked her to for once tell me the truth, because either I was wrong and then I need to see someone because then I've lost my marbles, or I was right and she's having some internet affair. I'm not sure what she saw in my eyes but I guess she realized the gig is up, and she told me I was right. In that precise moment, it was like a completely different person emerged and someone else was wearing her face. I asked her for more information, and she finally confessed that there is no stem-cell treatment, that she doesn't know what "it" is but she thinks she's fallen in love with some guy she met online and that she's going to the US to see what it is. That's almost word for word actually. I got the impression she wanted to go over there and check the guy out and sleep around before deciding if she wanted to come back.

Funny enough, in that moment I felt really relieved like a huge weight dropped off my back. The month I spent fighting myself and trying to talk to her was without a doubt the worst part of my life - I really started doubting my own sanity. Anyway, I told her that when it's like that, she can stay in the house until her flight, we're definitely breaking up, and I didn't want any 'lets-stay-friends' stories, just a clean break and no communication whatsoever afterwards. The next morning she started changing the story, saying I kicked her out of the house so she booked a motel and dramatically packed her suitcases, but by that time I wasn't falling for any more stories, just took her suitcases down the stairs and said my goodbyes.

Later on I got in touch with a lot of our mutual friends... .I've heard from most of them almost word for word the stories about how she was trapped, being abused, forced to have sex, in very... .very morbid detail, I've read most of it and it's frankly disgustingly imaginative. A good friend of ours who broke off all contact with her 2 years prior to that, shared with me that when my ex visited her she was constantly talking about me one moment in the best light, an hour later in the worst light, word for word and just going around in circles while trying to seduce her husband. I was a little bit upset with my friends because nobody told me anything, but a good friend of mine put it very succintly that helped me understand - when a girl tells you she's being abused and raped, you don't tend to disbelieve it and go talk about it to the guy she's accusing.

I think thats when the realization sank in that I've spent 4 years with a person that never really existed. Suddenly everything she ever told me had a big question mark above it. I don't think people who haven't gone through something similar can really understand what a profound effect it can have on you as a person, particularly if like me you've never heard of BPD before. I didn't understand the behavior either at first, none of it was normal in the slightest.

If you're going through something similar, only word of advice I can give you is to embrace your self-respect and be selfish when it comes to doing what you feel you need to do to get through it. If you feel you need to or that it would help have meaningless sex with other people, don't judge yourself just go and do it. If you feel the need to reconnect to friends and family, go and do it. If you feel something will help YOU feel better or that you need to do something, go and do it.

By embracing your self-respect, I mean that I advise to realistically assess yourself and your ex as persons. Do you deserve what they did to you? What havet you done to deserve to be put through THAT? Accept that you deserve better. Judge yourself and them by their actions, not by their words.

For whats it worth, you might not know me but I understand you. I've been where you are. A lot of people have. But I believe with every fibre of my being that nobody can help you, except you. Accepting the person you love(d) doesn't exist isn't easy, and accepting that someone you cared for was capable of lying to you and fooling you is even harder. In fact it's one of the hardest things you will have to do.

And you will have to do it from the bottom of your heart. The damage can shatter your perception of your world. I remember the first thing I felt was that I was waking up into a nightmare and that everything is dislocated, fundamentally wrong. Only later with hindsight did I realize that I was waking up from a nightmare. Don't leave any "what ifs" in your mind, get the whole depth of the story out from friends and family if needed.

The alternative to that is consciously choosing to be the victim of a sick person because of a persona they acted out, a persona that doesn't exist. If you feel guilty because you didn't do X, or try harder to Y, don't. I've said it all to myself, it doesn't get you anywhere because you don't perceive the effort you put in objectively, you take it for granted because it is "normal". Think of the real sacrifices and considerations you made. Don't make excuses or beat yourself up. If you need to feel guilty, the only you can feel guilty about is allowing that person to brutalize the person inside of you like that. An animal wouldn't do "that" to another animal, nevermind a human being.

Just remember... .Don't judge other people by the actions of your ex. Remember that everyone is different, and nobody should be put on trial for someone elses crime. By all means, be suspicious and cynical if it helps - but don't do yourself the disservice of doing to others what has been done to you.

In my case I feel like I've dodged a bullet. The worst thing that could have happened, would have been if she either came back pregnant or came back and got pregnant and we married, the second worst thing would be that she came back and that we married. Knowing what I know now, I really feel like I won the lottery. Must be someone up there looking out for me.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I hope my words will help someone, and I want to thank from the bottom of my heart all of you guys and gals for posting on these boards. You've helped me process and understand the last 4 years of my life, and no matter how horrible the experience might have been I wouldn't have it any other way, because as corny as it sounds it really has helped me grow as a person.

Keep posting. It might help someone somewhere.
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Hurtbeyondrepair27
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« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2014, 10:48:21 AM »

Ty for posting rough day today this helped.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2014, 08:48:53 PM »

Hi finallyfreedom,

Welcome

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry it had to end this way. Emotional affairs are tough and you felt like you're going crazy for most it. I'm happy that you decided to join to share and to give back. You sound like you have it figured out. You had boundaries and packed her things and told her it's over. She sounds like she had waif / hermit traits. It's all difficult nonetheless. Thank you for sharing and thanks for joining the family.

--Mutt
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finallyfreedom

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« Reply #3 on: November 21, 2014, 07:57:15 PM »

Hi finallyfreedom,

Welcome

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry it had to end this way. Emotional affairs are tough and you felt like you're going crazy for most it. I'm happy that you decided to join to share and to give back. You sound like you have it figured out. You had boundaries and packed her things and told her it's over. She sounds like she had waif / hermit traits. It's all difficult nonetheless. Thank you for sharing and thanks for joining the family.

--Mutt

Thanks for the welcome Mutt!

I had boundaries initially when we started out, but after some introspection I can definitely say they were worn down and my opinion was "adjusted" for the lack of a better word. I never made a conscious choice to stop keeping in touch with my friends, after a while it just kinda happened because it was... .easier? There was no alternative to be afraid of, like I said in my post from my perspective up to that last month it was a very loving understanding relationship.

My biggest difficulty was dealing with the fact that for at least 2 years; she was complaining to most of our close friends that I'm abusing her, forcing her to have sex, describing all of it in morbid step-by-step details, and when interacting with me she was always the epitome of a deeply loving girlfriend. Although sexually I always felt something was "not quite right", most of the time it felt like she was doing it just because she thought I "expected" it.

For weeks I couldn't put those two facets of personality together, it didn't seem quite possible until a good friend recommended I do some research on BPD. That's how I got here, and after lurking through a bunch of topics and articles suddenly the dots started connecting and I started understanding why the entire situation looked crazy to me.
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lovethebeach
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« Reply #4 on: November 21, 2014, 08:27:28 PM »

For whats it worth, you might not know me but I understand you. I've been where you are. A lot of people have. But I believe with every fibre of my being that nobody can help you, except you. Accepting the person you love(d) doesn't exist isn't easy, and accepting that someone you cared for was capable of lying to you and fooling you is even harder. In fact it's one of the hardest things you will have to do.


Your whole post was so profound and moving! Thank you for sharing your story as I can relate. I was young also(22) when with my exBPD.

I guess my question for you is ... .how did you get to where you are? I feel as if everyday I'm getting closer and closer to where I'd like to be. The first few weeks were rough, as I did feel "in a nightmare." But I agree ... .as time passes it seems to feel as if I dodged a bullet.
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Panda39
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« Reply #5 on: November 21, 2014, 10:02:18 PM »

finallyfreedom

Great Post! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Sounds like you just walked out of the BPD Maze in one piece, a little wiser and a little stronger... .no easy feat.

Congratulations and thank you for sharing your journey.
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finallyfreedom

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« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2014, 11:13:04 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Panda39 Thanks, can't say I came out in one piece but definitely rediscovering some pieces that got suppressed.

Your whole post was so profound and moving! Thank you for sharing your story as I can relate. I was young also(22) when with my exBPD.

I guess my question for you is ... .how did you get to where you are? I feel as if everyday I'm getting closer and closer to where I'd like to be. The first few weeks were rough, as I did feel "in a nightmare." But I agree ... .as time passes it seems to feel as if I dodged a bullet.

I'm not sure how much it will help you, but on the off-chance it helps here goes;

I didn't know anything about BPD prior to this. I believed that a lot of people label themselves with "personality disorders" to get attention or to justify quirks and bad manners and excuse themselves from working their problems out (with or without a therapist), but that at the very core of their being everyone is still rational and emotional, and the chain of feelings that leads to a positive or negative decision can be observed and understood.

I can't say I was consciously aware of "getting somewhere". When it happened for me, like I said, at first I felt like I woke up INTO a bad dream or a nightmare. Just like when you're dreaming sometimes you'll dream of something that at the very core of your being, you realize it can't possibly be happening therefore it must be a dream, then you become aware of your dream and yourself sleeping. Then you wake up, and most of the time forget that it ever happened.

So the first few days after I took her suitcases down and said goodbye, I couldn't begin to recognize the rational and emotional chain of feelings that went on in her head. Only 48 hours prior to me taking her cases down, she was holding my hand on her stomach talking about children and how she wants us to grow old together with the utmost sincerity in her eyes. If you asked me at the time, I would have told you that I was going to ask her to marry me within a month or two. Almost a year ago I house and started renovating it for us to live in, keeping her disability in mind when choosing the location to make things as easy and carefree as possible. Every action I took was building towards our future together, and I truly believed she was "the one". It made absolutely no "common sense" to me because in my life I never took words for granted, I always looked for deeds and at what the body of the person I was talking to was telling me.

Suddenly nothing makes sense, everything is upside-down, and you're left scratching your head wondering who you've spent 4 years living with. Yeah, it's not an easy thought to remember, even now after 2 almost 3 months.

I was actually talking to my mother who reminded me about my ex visiting our mutual friend in Germany about two years ago. At the time the story we were told by my ex, was that my&ex's friend was crazy disturbed and felt threatened by her in the house so she wanted to kick her out after day 3-4 of a weeklong-visit. At the time, naturally I trusted what the woman I loved was telling me and I got into an argument with my friend which ended up interrupting our long and deep friendship for two years. Then she told me her side of the story which I already mentioned in my original post (my ex tried to get into bed with her husband, kept talking about me one moment everything bad next moment everything best, she and her husband asked her to leave), which got me thinking - either my ex is crazy, or my friend is really crazy, or they're both crazy!

That left me with a big big "what if there's more?" question in my head, and it gnawed its way to the front of my mind and wouldn't go away. I talked with more of our mutual friends. I got back in touch with our mutual friends that my ex described as weird or crazy or disturbed.

After a few of those talks, I started to recognize a greater pattern in her behavior towards our mutual (male) friends. First she was "feeling down", second she was feeling trapped because "he doesn't let me leave the house", third was "he doesn't buy me anything or let me spend money", fourth was "i need help to get out of here", fifth was "hes forcing me to have sex and rapes me when i dont want to", sixth was "i cant stand this anymore i need help to get out can you loan me money for a plane ticket".

If you're familiar with facebook/skype, you're familiar with chat-logs. I lost count of how many logs dating back 2 years I read on the same variations. Invariably, nearly all of our mutual friends cut her off at one or another step, which drew me toward the natural conclusion that she was a gold-digger and has been looking for an upgrade for a while. On the flip side, that didn't make any sense because I consciously went out of my way to secure her comfort in every situation and choice in life. I was perhaps too caring.

That's when I took a second look at BPD, which our mutual (female) friend from germany mentioned and the dots started connecting. With that understanding, even if I obviously knew that I didn't keep her in chains or beat her or rape her, I could stop wondering if I didn't do something wrong but remain unaware of it.

Then I looked back at the 4 years I spent with her with that perspective. Came to the realization that every time I went to a cafe to meet friends from school and catch up, but every time I came back home there was that subtle "you'll find someone better then me and leave me" line popping up at some point so I stopped doing it because it was easier then expressing my feelings for the 100th time that I love her and that her disability means nothing to me. I used to enjoy training boxing, but every time I went I would hear about how much she hates violence because her ex-boyfriend raped her and broke her jaw forcing her to... yeah anyway. I stopped doing that too because somehow in my mind my love for boxing was turned into a link between an abusive person and boxing, and it was easier then explaining for the 100th time that I'm not doing it to learn how to be violent, but doing it because I admire and love the sport as an art.

I could come up with a lot of examples like that, but ultimately the result is that I was isolated from my friends, gave up on my interests, and spent as much time as possible around her and catering to her needs, being mindful of her feelings, and trying to make her feel happy. When I look back at it, I still feel deeply ashamed because in my mind it's not all her doing. I resisted in the beginning, but after a while I guess my resistance got grinded down.

Going through that and learning more and more about BPD, made me see her as what she is - a severely physically disabled 35 year old, with the emotions of a 14 year old, more then likely strapped with a personality disorder that insures beyond a doubt she will never be happy. And while she can make herself look pretty or talk seductively on the internet, she can never outrun what's in her future - wheelchair, amputation, and a life of misery. Harsh way of looking at her I know, but it's objective and the truth. I've accepted from the get-go when I fell in love with her that she'll be wheelchair-bound in a decade give or take a year, and that her arm will have to be amputated because her artificial elbow will give out.

I looked at myself objectively too. I'm 27 so still youngish, not sick in any way but I've gotten fat from being house-bound with her, I was anxious around people I know and even more anxious around people I didn't know. For the first time since I was in my mid-teens, the prospect of talking to another girl was making me nervous! Honestly, I came out of the entire relationship a physical and mental wreck.

First thing I did was get back in touch with good friends I hadn't seen in years. Very uncomfortable, since the only way to help them understand just where have I been for all this time was to explain things to them. That actually helped a lot for about a week, but it still wasn't helping "enough" if you know what I mean. I'm a results-kinda guy, and I wanted results "now" not 6 months or a year down the line.

So I went back and remembered what kind of a person I was before the relationship, went back and read my thoughts in posts, journals, etc and connected with the idea of rediscovering myself. I rediscovered my love for boxing and went back to training from the bottom. I rediscovered my love of meeting interesting women and went back to learning how to chat them up. I rediscovered my love of writing and went back to writing a poem here and there or posts like these. I rediscovered my curiosity and desire to know and understand other people on a deeper level then "sup hows work".

I remembered all the things I enjoyed doing, and rediscovered why I enjoyed them in the first place. Some things I'm still working on rediscovering, some stuff I've fallen in love with. Through that process, it was a lot easier for me to identify the changes I went through in the relationship. It might sound like I had it all figured out, but trust me I was stumbling in the deep dark!

Through that process I also understood and accepted that I settled for less then what I feel I deserve. I don't deserve to be called an abusive rapist to my friends and parents. Who does that? The kind of person that doesn't belong in my life. That is my jackpot! I can look in the mirror and look myself in the eye, completely aware that maybe I'm not perfect, maybe I have my quirks, but I don't want or need her or anyone else to validate my own greatness and effort. The only person who is competent to judge you, is in the mirror.

I ran into this video and it really resonated with my core being, there are many others like it but this one was my favorites to watch and draw strength from.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-jwWYX7Jlo

Hope any of this helps you in some small way, keep your head up.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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merlin4926
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« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2014, 02:05:11 AM »

What a great video thanks for sharing.  I too have got back in touch with friends that I had isolated myself from and they have shown me real love. I feel so lucky and grateful to have them in my life and with their help I'm doing great. I've found myself again just wish he could see that he didn't destroy me!
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Mutt
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« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2014, 10:37:00 PM »

There's a lot of great stuff in this video.

A quick line that stuck out and triggered memories of invalidation and denigration from my father with narcissistic traits and ex with BPD traits.

Excerpt
someone's opinion of you does not have to become your reality

Great share.
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EyesWidenedNow

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« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2014, 09:19:53 PM »

Whoa. I'm 6 months out and just want to thank Finallyfreedom. Bookmarking this thread.

Great posts. Sat here going 'holy sh&t' that's me and what I went through. I guess I just connected to the way you described things. Props, I think you are farther along than me in several ways.

Thank you for your post. If I can give you anything, hit the gym every other day for the next 3 months and take those good vibes you have in the mirror to new heights.

Peace






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finallyfreedom

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« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2014, 06:26:39 AM »

Whoa. I'm 6 months out and just want to thank Finallyfreedom. Bookmarking this thread.

Great posts. Sat here going 'holy sh&t' that's me and what I went through. I guess I just connected to the way you described things. Props, I think you are farther along than me in several ways.

Thank you for your post. If I can give you anything, hit the gym every other day for the next 3 months and take those good vibes you have in the mirror to new heights.

Peace

I know what you mean, I read a few posts that made me feel the same! Although I think everyone's experience is somewhat unique, there's all the small details that vary. Or who knows maybe we're exBPD-bros.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yeah before I started it off with my ex I spent 3 years boxing, before my mind was warped to think of it as disgusting violence instead of an art I very much loved. I rediscovered that again, and yesterday paid my dues for my 2nd month. Never gonna give that up again.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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