Risk loosing custody due SO's BPD

[Haye]

What can I say. I'm... .  :'(. I don't even have words for this. So. It seems my custody for my kids will be challenged due so's condition.

I've been meeting with some professionals to help me deal with my daughter's challenges (asperger's syndrome and trouble with controlling her moods). I had been partially open about my so's challenges, mainly about his mild depression. I have not mentioned BPD or his self-injuring much as he keeps them hidden quite well and does quite well when with my. Now the word from his recent SI got out to a case worker and I've been called into a meeting with a lot of people willing to question my ability to be a mom and my place, with bf, being a suitable place for my kids to live and grown. They have also discussed with my kid's father and he has talked about my bf's BPD etc more openly with them (i've kept him in the loop).

My kid's father is naturally a bit concerned, but not yet advocating the case. i'm certain he will, if the case workers convince him our place is harmful, and of course i'd rather have my kids be with their father than end up with complete strangers. My SO is in a really bad shape with these news. Knowing how important my kids are to me he is ready to be the one to go (as it is likely to help me keep my kids). He is also in distress because i'm not in a very good mood. Leaving my and us, for outside reasons, is not likely going to work for him well. The abandonment issues are huge and at this stage, just started going through all he is in a very vulnerable state. I'm also a bit worried if i'm being blind to my kid's distress... .But then again there are signs to say quite the opposite: amount of sleep disturbances and extreme aggression & anxiety has actually been going down, not up. I'm more concerned what new huge changes would cause to my kids. After long period of turmoil things are now quite calm so moving to live with their dad or seeing my so leave (they are quite attached to him, and it's likely to make my head go *kaboom*)... .well those are quite certain to have an impact.

I'm considering quitting all action I have with my kid's psychologists, as this is really causing me distress. But I fear they might pursue the case with state's social workers (based on child protection laws I think they can) so co-operating is probably better. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Rapt Reader]

I'm so sorry, Haye, for all of the troubles you are having to deal with in this situation!

Have you done any reading over on the Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody? I know it's generally for people who are Leaving their relationships, but there are lots of members over there who know a lot about Legal Issues unrelated to Divorce or Separation, and having to do with child custody, etc. Maybe they could help you?

In this situation, I know that you already realize that your children's best interests have to take precedence over anything else; it's hard when you are trying to help your Significant Other with his own troubles, and then need to be there and be the best Mom and advocate for your children that you can be... .I think, deep inside, you know what you have to do, and will be able to do it. I do wish you wisdom and strength, Haye~~there is a lot of pain in this situation 

[Haye]

Thank you Rapt Reader! Things have cooled down a bit (= i have cooled down of my worst worry).

You are absolutely right that my kids are first priority. I have been thinking things over and over and counting the goods and the bads. My kids are acrtually doing better than before my SO came into my life, so he can't be causing bad stuff to them or me which would affect my kids, at least not by the level of how well/bad they are doing. I have talked with my ex-husband and he is okey with our kids living with me and my SO as well even though he doesn't like the guy at all (but my ex and we all know it's more jealousy as my ex still has a lot of feelings for me and not about my so's persona). My ex-husband would of course like to spend more time with his kids, but he isn't interested in disturbing the kids life with huge changes that neither one of us sees needed.

My SO is a bit strange for a BPD - doesn't rage or anything like that. Doesn't even yell, ever. Though he might try picking a fight with me but stops if I ask him to. I think he is either the borderline type where all the anger etc is towards himself or is actually more PTSD than borderline - if there even is a difference? Also anxiety attacks and self happens less and less and they have never happened while kids are around! I'm not even sure why, I suppose he is either able to hold himself up and functioning as long as they are around or somehow the balanced family life with cookings and hobbies etc helps him to stay more balanced. He collapses when he is alone or at night when he can't sleep. He has good medication now and a nice psychologist.

But. I do worry about his suicidal thoughts. I know they linger there still and know that he is and stays alive because me, kids and other people (like his sibling) will suffer for the rest of our lives if he ends himself. I try not to worry about it all the time and the he says the thoughts are less severe now ie the worst need is behind him. But... .It is there. Difficult.