I need to know if I’m handling this well.

[TiredinLA]

Since my father died in 2013, my mother and my sister have been showing signs of BPD. Funny enough, my sister is assigned colleges, and my brother-in-law is a psychiatrist. They both tell me my mother has BPD. But I’m pretty sure my sister, the therapist has it also. Our relationship have suffered a lot recently. My sister wrote a very long letter to me disowning me as a brother, blaming me for terrible things, claiming that I owe her hundreds of thousands of dollars from my father‘s estate. All of these things are untrue.  my mother has decided that my wife is the cause of all of our family problems and text me three and four page long texts 8 to 10 times a day telling me what a horrible son I am and I actually said she would commit suicide if I were her only child.  I take these things with a grain of salt but I think I’ve developed an anxiety disorder from it. In hindsight when I had a drinking problem, I’m pretty sure it’s the result of this. My mother is 87 years old now. My sister is 56 and has a severe illness.  Obviously, my family is getting smaller and I love my sister and mother very much, but the abuse is getting worse. And I have trouble sleeping at night. I finally told my mom that my sister told me that she has BPD and that’s why she is so abusive and then I won’t put up with it anymore.  I just got back from a trip taking my daughter who is one year old to visit her grandmother across the United States. We thought the whole time. It made me sick to my stomach. I don’t want my child exposed to this and I’m terrified that there could be some genetic links with this mental illness. Does anybody have any advice for me?

[Turkish]

The texts and the content your mother is sending you is very abusive, as well as blaming your wife. She's unable to deal with her extremely negative emotions and is projecting onto targets.

I'm sorry that you and your mother fought after that long trip to st her. I've been though somewhat similar (though more passive that I heard from others). Your wife and your child are your primary family and need to be protected. Even so, the guilt is hard to deal with.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Are you handling this well? I'd first like you answer you that there are no right or wrong ways to deal with a pwBPD. There are ways that can make our life maybe easier in the long run, but no wrong way... It's always a hard relationship to navigate, and there is no point in looking for fault on yourself. Be kind to yourself.

The first thing that jumped at me, is you telling your mother that your sister said she was BPD. I personally try to steer clear or he says/she says now in my family, as this only serves in creating more drama for myself. If it was my family, I'm sure my brother would be calling me soon to ask me why I told mom that, and the drama triangle would continue. Are you familiar with Karpman Triangle? Recognizing the sign, and stepping away from the drama, I think, is the first step to feel more peaceful.

I also understand you not wanting to expose your child to this abuse, to this system. Protecting my children from all this is the main reason why I am currently no contact with my own BPD mother.

Again... There are no wrong or right ways to do this, just gotta find the methods to make yourself feel more at peace with yourself... Because at the end of the day, you need to live with yourself, don't you?

As for the genetic link... I get it. I felt the same with my D. She is highly sensitive, and I am sometimes scared she will develop BPD
 But then, other than treating her right, loving her, and accepting her for who she is, there is not much else I can do to prevent that from happening if it is bound to happen. I will cross that bridge when I get there... And so should you. No point in torturing ourselves with those thoughts.

[Notwendy]

I think many of us here have tolerated abusive behavior from family members for the sake of keeping a connection to our families. It was kind of you to bring your baby to see her grandmother but also you are correct to protect her by not exposing her to abuse. It seems the distance - you don't live near your mother, is a protective factor. There won't be frequent contact. How much contact is up to you. You do not have to subject yourself to abusive behavior.

As to the genetics- there's both a genetic and environmental contribution to BPD. It's not a given that a relative of someone with BPD will actually have BPD. When looking at studies that say "having a relative means 5 times greater risk of BPD" that sounds high, but if the actual risk is let's say <2%, 5 times is <10%. Yes, that's higher than average but it also means >90% chance of not having BPD. The odds are in favor of not having BPD. Raise her with lots of love and stability as you usually would. One also doesn't know what causes the actual issue in a relative. They may have had serious trauma or abuse that added to their issues, not just genetic tendencies.

[TiredinLA]

Thank you all, your feedback is very helpful.