Why do I feel I have regressed... is it the finality of it all?

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hi guys,

I've had a few posts on this forum and its helped me tremendously. It really is a wonderful resource.

I'm close to 3 months out of a relationship with my ex (several weeks NC)... .I don't like to label her as strictly BPD, but she definitely has many of the traits. Suffice to say the relationship was for the most part an emotional roller coaster, yet (as they do) she touched me in the deepest most intense of ways.

I've spent the last 3 months reading, researching and trying to understand what took place. I've reassessed my core values, tried to focus on me by keeping busy. I have so much more going for me than she does in terms of my health, job prospects, friends and family, yet over the last week or two I feel like I've regressed a lot. After about 2 months I was feeling on the up and as if I was punching through, however, recently the thoughts of her have come back intensely... .wondering what she is doing, missing her, thinking of making love to her. Perhaps part of it is an ego thing as she hasn't contacted me - I'm not sure if she has a replacement or not... .I've stayed clear - or perhaps its the finality of it all that is finally sinking in in my mind? Has anyone else experienced this kind of regression? I'm sure lots have... .

If I had to be honest, I feel like a man that has been reduced to a giant baby. I've never cried so much in my life... .I still get angry at the injustice of what she has done. Yes, I was co-dependent, I allowed it to go on for so long and I take my share of the responsibility there... .but I was never abusive to her.

I don't really know what answers I expect here... .Ive just had a really rough time recently. I'm tired of crying, tired of thinking about her, I want to find me again and establish my sense of self... .I'm just struggling to do that.

Have a good day all.

[Elpis]

That's the nature of grief--different parts coming in waves, washing over us and engulfing in one part of the emotions, then we deal with another wave of different emotions on another day. Or several at once. It's so puzzling, I know.

I've done my share of waffling about my relationship with my uBPDh, feeling so sad for him and his inability to truly enjoy things one time, then wanting to cut bits off of him another time. Grieving takes the time and the shape it wants to.

Finality will surely stir up a new set of feelings, and of course when we're mourning what we've lost, the good as well as the bad, the good is gonna come up in your thoughts too.

It's a messy thing, grief, but we've gotta go through it... .I feel for you, I do!

It's grief, not regression, so be kind and gentle with yourself.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Thank you.

Yes, messy is a perfect way of describing it. God, life can be one heck of a funny class room... .the other day I was literally punching at the air at the thought of having dodged a bullet, and today I woke up crying.

I feel I've done a good job at feeling things through though... .there are times when I feel I need to rush into something else, but then I know that isn't who I am and the way I deal with things. The grief can just be so utterly painful sometimes.

A major part of the problem is still my self esteem... .still the fears that I won't find something better. I'm trying to work on this but sometimes I just don't know how.

Anyway, thanks for the support.

[Elpis]

That's a real concern though when you've come from a difficult relationship, worrying that there isn't somebody else out there for you. When we work that through to it's logical conclusion on those days we feel clearer, we know that being in that really hard relationship was no picnic either, and our self esteem was actually taking hits and getting lower and lower, and would we really want to be in that kind of relationship long-term? Not so much! And those clearer days will come too, and more often.

For now think of yourself as a patient, somebody who just had surgery. This is what my therapist told me. And then do the things that take care of you as an individual, figure out what that looks like, do some things that just make you happy and help you restore.

Have you had a chance to go through some of the material in the right hand sidebar? There's some super useful stuff there that can help guide you through this part of your healing. Take your time and read through the lessons, post your questions and thoughts, and then the discussions will help you in the process... .i'm right there with you, trust me. Still looking at lesson 1 in fact.

Love the "life can be one heck of a funny class room" line.  Such a perfect way to put it.

Keep posting, that will help more than you think. 

[Blimblam]

Good things

Thank you for sharing. Ur not alone. I don't have answers for you and am currently triggered.  But I'm sorry ur in so much pain. There's nothing to be ashamed about letting it out.

[Loveofhislife]

Good morning, GoodThings:  Thank you for sharing with us on your post, and I'm sorry for your pain.  I awoke this morning thinking the same thing--in the Kubler Ross stages of grief, why have I become stuck in the depression phase?  Am I on a back slide?  It really has felt like when your car is stuck in the mud, and no matter how many starts and stops; you can't seem to get enough traction to get it out.  But in my current thinking, I have had an awareness.  If not for this pain, I don't think I would be doing the self work and introspection. Truly, no pain; no gain.  But an even greater awareness has been that it's not so much exBPDbf who I have been missing--it's something bigger and something familiar:  something I have only nibbled around the edges of.  No doubt related to FOO and codependency issues. Then came exBPDbf, one year after my divorce, when he caught me at a vulnerable time, and (with my collaboration) broke my heart wide open.  So, Elpis--I like the surgery metaphor.  I seem to have had a much needed heart surgery, and its' going to take some time to heal.  I have felt like this chassy was going to get out of this muck and move on down the road, and then--I find there's just more muck to get through:  the latest of which is realizing that it's not really exBPDbf that I am grieving:  it's something bigger that has been there my entire life.  No wonder, I'm having such a hard time getting through it. Blim, we are with you you; you are not alone.  Thank you so much for shedding so much light on this board. We shall overcome, and become more whole.  And that is the Thanksgiving of our r/s with BPD.  They helped bring us to this place where now we are ready to heal. 

[Elpis]

realizing that it's not really exBPDbf that I am grieving:  it's something bigger that has been there my entire life. 

And that is the Thanksgiving of our r/s with BPD.  They helped bring us to this place where now we are ready to heal. 

TRUTH.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Thanks so much for all the great messages... .as always, just great to have a support group like this.

@Loveofhislife: You hit the nail on the head. When I think really hard, the thing that I miss the most is having someone idolise me, making me feel extra special as she did at times and filling the void that is there within me. As you said, its actually more to do with me than her. Make no mistake, I do miss lots of things about her... .but the overriding emotions here are definitely stemming from issues within me I need to address.

@Elpis: the patient surgery metaphor is brilliant. When I think back on the relationship, it does indeed feel like I was emotionally opened up on a surgery table at times.

Thanks again, I'm doing better today after reading all the nice messages.

[Sandman1881]

realizing that it's not really exBPDbf that I am grieving:  it's something bigger that has been there my entire life. 

And that is the Thanksgiving of our r/s with BPD.  They helped bring us to this place where now we are ready to heal. 

TRUTH.

This is spot on. What buried painful emotions was he/she able to resurrect? In here lies the answer. If she wasn't so damn arrogant and didn't treat me like such a jerk so she could secretly do whatever the hell she wanted to, I might even consider thanking her. Yeah right!