What is the chance of an attack after breakup?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

After lots of thinking about this I decided to post my guestion on this forum. I am really scared and just want to know if this is just the process of detaching or not?

This is my story: after a relationship of 4 years in which we found out he was suffering from borderline disorder I ended the relationship last August. He was/is in therapy for more than a year. More than 6 months ago the therapist tried medication aswell what resulted in an attack towards me. He grabbed me by the throat. Luckily without using force at that moment, but several minutes later he just walked through a door that I had locked! He didn't even realised the door was locked. I had to show him a picture of the bended lock. This story is somewhere on the board on the Staying forum. After this the medication changed and the pyschiatrist told me this would never happen again. I believed everything, because I was in the fog etc. After changing the meds more things changed untill we came to the point where he was treating me like an absolute angel one day and changed into the worst devil you know the next.

This resulted in me finding help for myself at last! Finally I was being able to get rid of those horrible claws that were pulling me back in over and over and over again. And keeping the fog nicely in place and me in it. In July the claws finally fall off of me and the fog began to fade away. It is still not completely gone, but I am getting there! Thanks to my therapist I was being able to put an end to this relationship for good! Not ever am I going back to him or start a relationship with someone else with this disorder. But that is another story.

Because of the fog slowly fading away I am realizing what really happened in the last three to four years. Where I was able to weaken the situation of the attack before I now realized what really happened and what could have happened if he used force from the start. And realizing this started also the fear that this will happen again.

To be honest I ended the relationship in the worst way to do it. Especially with someone with borderline. I picked up my stuff from his place when he was at work and left a note that was not very nice. I just couldn't be nice and inderstanding anymore. He had hurt me too much... .The reason I did it this way was just that I couldn't take it anymore to have to deal with his Hyde side anymore. You know what I mean? Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde... .His Hyde side was so mean and so awfull. That was just one thing I couldn't let myself undergo one more time.

But, I knew that this could be a trigger for him to go off sometime and show up on my doorstep and attack me again. But, that never happened. At first I was so relieved! But now the fog is gone away I am getting scared. Really scared.

Is there someone out here that can help me a little  with this? What are the chances that he will come back one day and attack me again? Please keep in mind that he never attacked me before. He did it just once with the "wrong" meds. But still... .During our relationship I had always have this little voice in the back of my head that warned me... some 6th sense of voilation, but it never showed... you know what I mean? There is just one story that there was a gun held to his head by the brother of his ex. Never heard a real reason for this. But still... he was also arrested for violence a couple of times. But again... never during our relationship...

I really need to know if I can go on with my life or just have to take precautions in case he is coming back. Is my 6th sense right? what are the chances that he will come back to attack me?

Is there someone who can answer this question for me? Is there someone who knows so much about this disorder that he/she can help me with this?

He is a loner, depressed and keeping everything inside. I never heard from him again after June. But keeping everything inside will also make you a ticking timebomb... .Right? Or is this just my own mind playing tricks on me? Although he proved to me before that he can be a timebomb because he is keeping everything inside.

I am so confused and so scared. I really need help with this.  :'(

[nanc]

Hi,

After lots of thinking about this I decided to post my guestion on this forum. I am really scared and just want to know if this is just the process of detaching or not?

This is my story: after a relationship of 4 years in which we found out he was suffering from borderline disorder I ended the relationship last August. He was/is in therapy for more than a year. More than 6 months ago the therapist tried medication aswell what resulted in an attack towards me. He grabbed me by the throat. Luckily without using force at that moment, but several minutes later he just walked through a door that I had locked! He didn't even realised the door was locked. I had to show him a picture of the bended lock. This story is somewhere on the board on the Staying forum. After this the medication changed and the pyschiatrist told me this would never happen again. I believed everything, because I was in the fog etc. After changing the meds more things changed untill we came to the point where he was treating me like an absolute angel one day and changed into the worst devil you know the next.

This resulted in me finding help for myself at last! Finally I was being able to get rid of those horrible claws that were pulling me back in over and over and over again. And keeping the fog nicely in place and me in it. In July the claws finally fall off of me and the fog began to fade away. It is still not completely gone, but I am getting there! Thanks to my therapist I was being able to put an end to this relationship for good! Not ever am I going back to him or start a relationship with someone else with this disorder. But that is another story.

Because of the fog slowly fading away I am realizing what really happened in the last three to four years. Where I was able to weaken the situation of the attack before I now realized what really happened and what could have happened if he used force from the start. And realizing this started also the fear that this will happen again.

To be honest I ended the relationship in the worst way to do it. Especially with someone with borderline. I picked up my stuff from his place when he was at work and left a note that was not very nice. I just couldn't be nice and inderstanding anymore. He had hurt me too much... .The reason I did it this way was just that I couldn't take it anymore to have to deal with his Hyde side anymore. You know what I mean? Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde... .His Hyde side was so mean and so awfull. That was just one thing I couldn't let myself undergo one more time.

But, I knew that this could be a trigger for him to go off sometime and show up on my doorstep and attack me again. But, that never happened. At first I was so relieved! But now the fog is gone away I am getting scared. Really scared.

Is there someone out here that can help me a little  with this? What are the chances that he will come back one day and attack me again? Please keep in mind that he never attacked me before. He did it just once with the "wrong" meds. But still... .During our relationship I had always have this little voice in the back of my head that warned me... some 6th sense of voilation, but it never showed... you know what I mean? There is just one story that there was a gun held to his head by the brother of his ex. Never heard a real reason for this. But still... he was also arrested for violence a couple of times. But again... never during our relationship...

I really need to know if I can go on with my life or just have to take precautions in case he is coming back. Is my 6th sense right? what are the chances that he will come back to attack me?

Is there someone who can answer this question for me? Is there someone who knows so much about this disorder that he/she can help me with this?

He is a loner, depressed and keeping everything inside. I never heard from him again after June. But keeping everything inside will also make you a ticking timebomb... .Right? Or is this just my own mind playing tricks on me? Although he proved to me before that he can be a timebomb because he is keeping everything inside.

I am so confused and so scared. I really need help with this.  :'(

[Mutt]

I'm so sorry to hear about the violence. That's a scary and frightening experience   It's scary to think it may happen again. It sounds like you're safe at the moment. Are you safe? I'm sorry we're volunteer staff.  I recommend calling trained personnel to get the best help for you. Have you made a call to a shelter?

[nanc]

Am I safe? Good question. The doors are all locked when I am at home. Told him I changed the lock. Although that is not true. To be honest it will not make a difference changing the locks. My frontdoor is mostly glass. He already walked right through a locked door. So, this glass door will not  hold him if he really wants to get in.

I can go to friends if it is necesarry. Hopefully it will not come  to that. The professional help here in Holland is very minimal. That is why I am asking on this board. People here has helped me before. I am just so confused about if he will show up someday because something has triggered him.

[nanc]

Thank you for your reply  Mutt! I will make sure I am safe... . 

[Pingo]

Hi Nanc, is there a battered women's shelter near you in Holland?  This is what my T recommended for me, to contact them and they can give you some strategies and resources.  Also, there is a record if you choose to give your name.  I am in a similar situation, not sure if he is capable of hurting me but has violent tendencies.  I'm not sure if I'm being overly paranoid.  I know my mind can really get away on me.  But I also know it's important to listen to your gut.  From everything I have read, this is crucial for a woman to stay safe.  I recommend changing those locks anyhow, it clearly lets him know he is not welcome in your place.

[Mutt]

I'd take necessary precautions. History has a tendency to repeat itself. If he's mentally ill and he's not in therapy, has acted violently in the past, the cycle may repeat. Don't gamble with your safety and hopefully you'll ease the mind with paranoia. He has a serious disorder that he's in denial with. Not your fault.

[peiper]

The reality is they are mentally ill. They act out in the emotions their having that moment. I couldn't predict what behavior mine was going to have next. Might be a good idea to get a restraining order. Good luck. Sorry your going through this.

[nanc]

Hi all, thank you so much for your replies! Pingo: you describe exactly what I am going through right now. It is so confusing coming out of the fog.

I will look for a womans shelter and contact them for tips on what to do etc. With the first attack I didn't want to call the police. Because I couldn't believe what was happening and that he was being able to act like that towards me. But now I will call the police in an instant. My phone is always next to me. So that is a really big step. But still... .

Have no idea if I can ask for a restraining order. Never called the police before because of him being voilent. Although the psychiatrist knows what happened before. Will keep this in my mind though.

Thank you all so much! This is already helping me a lot.

Pingo: please take care aswell! 

[Mutt]

Try calling the police and ask how to get a restraining order. Go down to your courthouse in Holland and ask around on how to obtain a RO. Ask the woman's shelter on how to obtain an RO. Keep asking until you find your answers. Don't think twice and don't worry about him. Worry about you. Best of luck.

[peiper]

Please don't delude yourself by thinking it will go away with time or he'll get better. I did that and ended up in court losing many of my rights and a bogus record for domestic violence. Be proactive and protect yourself. There's a story about a cowboy riding home in a blizzard and he sees a rattlesnake on the ground freezing to death. He picks up the snake and takes it back to his cabin,  puts it in front of the fire, feeds it and goes to bed. The next morning he goes over to check the snake, reaches down and gets bit. He asks the snake... what the hell I saved you, warmed you up and fed you. ... why did you bite me? The snake replied. ... well you knew I was a snake.

[letmeout]

It is scary coming out of a relationship with a BPD who is capable of being violent. I was constantly looking over my shoulder for a while; its always a good idea to be aware of your surroundings anyway. I got great instructions from a Domestic Violence Women's shelter counselor.

Always have an exit plan in mind if he should enter your home from any location.

Let the neighbors know if they hear you scream to call the police immediately.

Never wait to see if he is acting friendly; never take that risk, just get away.

Maintain No Contact always and he will turn his attention elsewhere eventually.

I always kept a hammer under my bed and a stun gun if mine ever broke in.

Follow your gut instincts but please don't let paranoia take over your life.

You can enjoy your life to the fullest now that you are free from being around that craziness!  

[Ceruleanblue]

Letmeout:

"You can enjoy your life to the fullest now that you are free from being around that craziness!"

Thanks for saying that. I needed that today. I'm still sad that my husband left, but I logically know my life in most ways has to get better, especially being away from the craziness. I keep reminding myself it's normal to hurt, and unlike him, I can't just turn my love off... .

[nanc]

Thank you all so much for your replies and good advice! Have found a womans shelter nearby and will ask them for tips etc for protecting myself.

@Peiper: don't worry! I'm not deluding myself in any way. I did that for at least three years, but ever since those claws are gone I am fully aware of the truth. That is why I am so scared right now. And want to know if this in my mind is something that is very real or just my mind playing tricks on me.

Sadly, after reading all your replies I have to admit it is a real thread. To be honest, I am shocked. At the moment I am still trying to cope with the idea that someone can treat the one they say they love so much the way I was treated the last couple of years. I am still trying to cope with the fact that so many people are being treated this way by someone they deeply love.

And now, on top of all this... it can get even worse! It's awfull...   :'(

But, I am so glad with all of your advice! Thank you so much! I will look into the process of getting a RO. Police is on speeddial and the doors are locked with locks he doesn't have keys of. 

@Ceruleanblue: Please try really hard to get those claws out of you. It is the only way to get a full understanding of what has been going on during your relationship. I was like you... I was thinking like you. Untill my therapist helped me the right way and the claws finally disappeared! Now, it all seems a bad dream... Yes, I have loved him so much. But to be honest... in the end... it was more like an addiction than real love. Now I realise how he has hurt me with all those awfull accusations and whatever he came up with. Only reason was to hurt me... Is that someone who deserves your love? Not to me anymore. Not even with a disorder. To me no one will ever have a good reason to hurt someone else the way he did me. Not even with or because of an disorder! It will be a whole other story if the one with the disorder is trying so hard to deal with it and maybe is not succeeding very much. But my ex was not doing anything! He just let it happen and never did anything to try to make it right for just a very little tiny bit. It was only getting worse and worse and worse. Even his therapy was a joke to him.

Maybe I am really foolish... .but after being in hell for at least 3 years I know that it has nothing to do with love anymore when someone is not even trying.

Of course it is totally up to you how you think about it and your ex. I don't know your situation or him...   But maybe it can help you a little bit to let him go more easily.