Once discarded, why do they come back?

[Craydar]

After cycling a few times, I was painted black, devalued, discarded, dumped without closure and replaced. Why on earth would she come back? What causes the reversal after a few months? Even when the new guy is still in the picture. What does she really want? I know every case is different. Unfortunately I'm still not over her so I don't want to screw up and welcome the circus back to town. I would welcome her back into my life under healthy terms. 

[Perdita]

My guess is that she is testing the waters to see if you still have an emotional attachment to her.  They seem to enjoy knowing that it still exists even when they have no real intention of reconnecting.

[Craydar]

My guess is that she is testing the waters to see if you still have an emotional attachment to her.  They seem to enjoy knowing that it still exists even when they have no real intention of reconnecting.

I suspect this is the reason. Always wanting to know that an old source can be called on for soothing at any time.

[Perdita]

I suspect this is the reason. Always wanting to know that an old source can be called on for soothing at any time.

And let's not forget that they usually want what they can't have.  This at least is huge with the male BP.

So what are you going to do, Craydar?

[Blimblam]

I suspect this is the reason. Always wanting to know that an old source can be called on for soothing at any time.

And let's not forget that they usually want what they can't have.  This at least is huge with the male BP.

So what are you going to do, Craydar?

They want what they can't have. I remember this was huge. Also the fantasy of obtaining this object. So when my ex reached out to someone she couldn't have and got approval this would give her the confidence to rebel against me if she percieved I was not giving her approval.  So it most likely has to do with what is going on in in her life at the moment with her current main attachment. 

[Infern0]

Speculation is not always healthy in this regard as to their intentions.

It's more important to ask yourself what you want and why,  and proceed appropriately.

In my case I was told my ex was reaching out to me for "soothing" and emotional content.

Well,  her actions since then have not been what the board expected,  it's been a Rollercoaster yes but it isn't how people thought it would be.

My advice,  figure out what you want and then act accordingly.  If you go back in though be prepared for fun and games.

[Craydar]

I suspect this is the reason. Always wanting to know that an old source can be called on for soothing at any time.

And let's not forget that they usually want what they can't have.  This at least is huge with the male BP.

So what are you going to do, Craydar?

Right now I'm not doing anything. I'm not contacting her. She has a new source in her life for soothing and sex. I became too difficult as I was trying to set boundaries for my own sanity after letting her walk all over me for some time. I'm assuming she knows/thinks she can have me when she wants. I guess if she's not reaching out it's because I'm not perceived as a challenge.

[Craydar]

Speculation is not always healthy in this regard as to their intentions.

It's more important to ask yourself what you want and why,  and proceed appropriately.

In my case I was told my ex was reaching out to me for "soothing" and emotional content.

Well,  her actions since then have not been what the board expected,  it's been a Rollercoaster yes but it isn't how people thought it would be.

My advice,  figure out what you want and then act accordingly.  If you go back in though be prepared for fun and games.

Great points. I know what I want and why but knowing how to handle her correctly and not screw up again is the hard part. I need the part of me that was ripped away when she walked on me and left me for another guy. Regardless of her possible (undiagnosed) illness, I let her walk all over me, play games, crazy-make, and get the upper hand. I want a fresh start. I asked this question not from the perspective of 'why would she come back and bother me?' but rather 'What get's them to come back?' Because if she doesn't want to, I can't make her want to.

[Blimblam]

With my first BPD ex I went through a bunch of recycles and push pull. She would have a new attachment then avoide me for a while then reach out to me. She just wanted to keep me as an attachment and it was all based on what was going on in her life at the time.

[Craydar]

With my first BPD ex I went through a bunch of recycles and push pull. She would have a new attachment then avoide me for a while then reach out to me. She just wanted to keep me as an attachment and it was all based on what was going on in her life at the time.

IDK - Min's not showing much of a need for me in her life right now. 2 months... .Have I not waited long enough? Will she come back? even with another guy, and who knows how long that relationship will last.

[Blimblam]

With my first BPD ex I went through a bunch of recycles and push pull. She would have a new attachment then avoide me for a while then reach out to me. She just wanted to keep me as an attachment and it was all based on what was going on in her life at the time.

IDK - Min's not showing much of a need for me in her life right now. 2 months... .Have I not waited long enough? Will she come back? even with another guy, and who knows how long that relationship will last.

I don't know.

Here is the thing. You have to be in a certain place in yourself I you want another shot with a chance of it working.  Easier said than done.  In my experience their is always an opportunity for a recycle in the future. 

[Chasing_Ghosts]

IDK - Min's not showing much of a need for me in her life right now. 2 months... .Have I not waited long enough? Will she come back? even with another guy, and who knows how long that relationship will last.

Yea imo it hasnt been enough time. Mine didnt come around till about 3 months. Seems to be a pattern around here of how long a rebound lasts. This is due to it being the time when generally idealization ends and paradise lost evokes within their minds. Then they start the crazy making. So if the relationship passes this stage then it could be a while. More than likely shell be back eventually though.

To echo Blim it really all has to do with their extenuating and ever changing circumstances, with regards where you fit into all that.

[Craydar]

I don't know.

Here is the thing. You have to be in a certain place in yourself I you want another shot with a chance of it working.  Easier said than done.  In my experience their is always an opportunity for a recycle in the future. 

Thanks - That's the one thing I an actively doing - working on myself. Physically and emotionally.

[enlighten me]

Each one is different and each new supply is different. The honeymoon periods vary. Depending on the pwBPD depends on how they handle a relationship... some may need constant attention but for others constant attention may speed up devaluation. It is only when they need new supply that they will test the waters with you. It also depends on how they feel about what they did to you. If they cant handle it they wont try and contact you.

[Craydar]

IDK - Min's not showing much of a need for me in her life right now. 2 months... .Have I not waited long enough? Will she come back? even with another guy, and who knows how long that relationship will last.

Yea imo it hasnt been enough time. Mine didnt come around till about 3 months. Seems to be a pattern around here of how long a rebound lasts. This is due to it being the time when generally idealization ends and paradise lost evokes within their minds. Then they start the crazy making. So if the relationship passes this stage then it could be a while. More than likely shell be back eventually though.

To echo Blim it really all has to do with their extenuating and ever changing circumstances, with regards where you fit into all that.

Very true. She's likely still idolizing him, which sucks but I'm keeping my calendar full too. And who knows about the circumstances? This 'now not so new' guy could have been a recycle from before I knew her. She may have others to hit up before she gets to me. Lol.

[Blimblam]

Each one is different and each new supply is different. The honeymoon periods vary. Depending on the pwBPD depends on how they handle a relationship... some may need constant attention but for others constant attention may speed up devaluation. It is only when they need new supply that they will test the waters with you. It also depends on how they feel about what they did to you. If they cant handle it they wont try and contact you.

This

[Craydar]

Each one is different and each new supply is different. The honeymoon periods vary. Depending on the pwBPD depends on how they handle a relationship... some may need constant attention but for others constant attention may speed up devaluation. It is only when they need new supply that they will test the waters with you. It also depends on how they feel about what they did to you. If they cant handle it they wont try and contact you.

This

This makes a lot of sense. I know they usually have some remorse, but can they truly feel bad about what they did if it was just simply leaving the relationship, albeit without explanation, if that seems normal to them?

[Hawk Ridge]

This has been a painful thought for me.   It's almost 8 months and she has been contacting me for the last several despite her r/s with my replacement.  She says she loves me but, out of self-protection, I view that as a reference to our friendship (which I intend to keep).   My ego suffers as to why she hasn't initiated a full on recycle, especially now during the holiday season.  Hard to admit it is my ego but I have to be honest with myself.  Working on letting go and letting God.