So I have debated posting here for a few days. I used to post here frequently two years ago. Mostly it was me giving tough love advice to guys struggling with BPD exes. I posted here a few times last fall when I received the first contact from my ex in two years. You can read that exchange here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211810.0She never responded to my email, and I'd say I struggled with that in the intervening months. I just sort of dealt with it. There was definitely a depression that followed. The contact made me miss her, but at the same time recognize that it seemed like little had changed. A few female friends that knew my situation urged me to contact her. I remained steadfast that I needed something approximating an apology.
So there have been a few changes for me personally over the last year. I moved across the country for a new job. The job was not all I expected, so there's been that disappointment. I have lined something else up here that I am very excited about, but times have been tough. Moving certainly didn't make me forget about my borderline ex. She's a high-functioning undiagnosed BPD. Very accomplished in her profession. So when I finally got the apology email from her a few weeks back, I knew I'd respond.
The email asked if we could speak. She referred to herself as young and lost when we dated. She said she thinks of me often. She mentioned that she never connects with anyone like she did with me. She alluded to some changes in her life, and wanted to know if there's still a chance for the two of us. I responded saying yes I'd talk. Told her I'd moved. Told her I needed things light and with boundaries. She agreed.
We spoke a few days later. I was excited but guarded in that first call. We spoke a lot of the intervening three years, with the exception of our respective love lives during that time. Family, friends, work, etc. I had been very clear with her when we broke up that she was incredibly confusing. That I couldn't lead this wild life going out until last call Thurs-Saturday. I was very clear what needed to changed. Before the end of that first call, she told me she wanted the same things as me now. In general, she sounded a lot less restless. A lot more sure of herself. She really had become a star in her occupation, such that she was evaluating a host of other opportunities both near our hometown and elsewhere. We each had some personal decisions looming on the job front, so we left it that let's chat later in the week when things are more settled.
We talked towards the end of the week. It was a very familiar conversation. I had gotten some real positive news on a new job, so my guard was down. We talked about a lot. I could hear her feeling me out if she were to relocate. How do I feel about xyz location etc? We talked some about my grandmother's death. She knew how much I loved my grandmother. I listened to her talk about her various job possibilities. I asked questions. She lauded me when she remarked, "I had forgotten what I great listener you are." I suppose I needed to hear that. We left it that I'd phone when I had some concrete news on my new position.
I guess the one part I'm leaving out is that during that first call she had mentioned that she may be coming to the west coast to see some friends. If she does, she wanted to meet up to have lunch. We spoke some more of that on call #2, but it was still very much speculative at that point.
Earlier this week was the last time we spoke on the phone. I had a long drive ahead of me and we talked for a good two hours. Her most desired job opportunity appeared to moving towards an offer. The job would be significantly closer to where I live now, in a place we really enjoyed visiting as a couple. The conversation took on a more assumptive tone. Towards the end of the call, she asked me if I still wanted marriage etc. It was a tad uncomfortable for me at that point. Not that I didn't have dreams with her at one time, but that discussion now seemed premature. She apologized at the end. When I arrived at my destination, there was a text from her apologizing for her ridiculousness. That talking had brought back so many feelings. That she hadn't lost the feeling for me. That she agreed that we should keep things light, etc.
So here I am, a week or so later and a few things bother me about my own personal situation. A consistent theme to my replies on this board to men struggling with BPD partners was to maintain backbone. I feel like I have given mine up and need to get it back. I am sitting here three years out of this expecting things again, there's an air of hope in my thoughts when I think of her. So when I call yesterday afternoon and she doesn't call me back, I'm all of a sudden wondering what I am up against. I am remembering the disconnect between words and actions that I found so troubling when our relationship fell apart.
After an uneasy night, I have resolved to rein things in. I can't roll out the red carpet for this person. I need to live my life, and things need to flow on my terms not the other way around. My lack of control of this situation troubles me the most. Obviously, the distance between us now makes things more problematic.
So I made a list for myself, it contains the things she did that made my life difficult. It includes things like her confusion, making me jealous, triangulation, push/pull behavior, fear of getting close, me needing to play games, her indecision, perfectionism, etc etc. I did this remind myself that things not move quite so fast.
I'd especially like to hear from those with experience with a reconnection many years removed. I have received a lot of positive feedback from friends to pursue this again, but frankly very few understand the complexities of BPD.
