Replacement attempt gone bad

[Jessica84]

My depressed BPDxbf happened to call me during my own crisis earlier this week. My computer crashed and I was devastated after losing almost everything. I didn't once ask how he was doing or try to validate him. I was so focused on my own problems, literally sobbing under my desk with wires going everywhere. Oddly, it seemed to do him good, helping me thru it. He kept calling, texting, trying to cheer me up with jokes, offered to come over, had a computer expert call me. He even texted me the next morning telling me to go look outside, it was a "beautiful day". That was a switch!

That didn't last long. Dysregulated guy returned the very next day when he called to unload his latest problems.

I learned he dumped me for another woman... .they had dinner a few weeks ago... .turns out, she wasn't remotely interested in him. I would've taken some satisfaction in this, but it gets worse... .The girl went and told her boss in the same office he was "creepy" and didn't want to go out with him again. Yesterday his co-worker (her boss) overreacted and went on a rage in the office - verbally attacking and humiliating him (in front of everyone) and telling him not to talk to or look at this girl ever again. The co-worker went on to call him an "ugly, old, fat has-been" and said the girl only went out with him out of pity. This caused a big scene and now the whole office is talking about it.

I want to go strangle this person! He already feels so low about himself. This didn't help. He took quite a beating. What an awful thing to say to someone, particularly one with suicide ideation. (Although, I doubt anyone knows that). I don't really blame the girl, but her boss.

I didn't validate him well at the beginning. I was still anxious and upset by my own problems, and angry to learn how quickly he tried to replace me. I kept thinking, am I supposed to feel sorry for you that you left me for someone else and she rejected you? (even if in an ugly and public way) He had told me repeatedly there was no one else, when there was clearly someone else! I knew if I brought this up he would end the call and stew in his misery, so I went into SET and validated his feelings of embarrassment, shame, anger. After an hour of this, he thanked me for listening. He was able to process his emotions and come up with a strategy for dealing with everyone in the office.

I imagine he is going to keep calling to give me with updates on this. How do I get past my own emotions to validate his? I want to be there for him, but protect myself too. I don't need to keep re-living the cause of our breakup. Is there a boundary I'm missing? I told him I didn't want to hear about his bad dates. He assured me it wasn't a "date" - he was just lonely at the time and nothing happened. No kidding. Sounds like a train wreck. I guess he doesn't consider it a date if nothing came of it, but the intent was there. He wasn't "just lonely". He was interested in her and broke up with me to pursue her. How ironic that I'm the one who has to soothe him.

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[MissyM]

 

He was interested in her and broke up with me to pursue her. How ironic that I'm the one who has to soothe him.

Hi, you don't have to soothe him.  You are choosing to do that. Are you interested in recycling your relationship?  Or are you willing to be the person that is his support system?

[Jessica84]

He was interested in her and broke up with me to pursue her. How ironic that I'm the one who has to soothe him.

Hi, you don't have to soothe him.  You are choosing to do that. Are you interested in recycling your relationship?  Or are you willing to be the person that is his support system?

I should have said "How ironic he comes to me for soothing".

I wish a r/s was possible, but I don't know if it is. His mental health has been getting worse, and he's not in any kind of treatment. I do want to support him and I realize he can't be there for me in the same way, at least, not consistently.

[Grey Kitty]

If you try to protect him from the consequences of his own actions, that is enabling, not supporting.

I honestly think he probably DID earn that scene at work through his own actions. Never mind the part you play in it. One of these two almost has to apply:

A: He was 'creepy' with her on the date. If so, the woman's complaints, while perhaps not workplace-appropriate, were deserved.

B: She is psycho-nutso-crazy and made all this up except for the date happening. If so, your exbf did pick that kind of nutjob to invite on a date!

Now the guy going OFF on your exbf does sound over the top, and just bad luck on his part that he was the guy who was complained to.

I should have said "How ironic he comes to me for soothing".

I wish a r/s was possible, but I don't know if it is. His mental health has been getting worse, and he's not in any kind of treatment. I do want to support him and I realize he can't be there for me in the same way, at least, not consistently.

Why do you want to support him?

[Jessica84]

Thanks Grey Kitty. Turns out there is an option C: The boss/co-worker who attacked him is actually a woman - a mean, angry destructive type. I know her well and try to avoid her for this reason! She has flung wild accusations about others before and has a habit of causing scenes. She makes mountains out of molehills. She beat the pulp out of one of my close friends (her exbf), slashed his tires and threatened him. She is violent and unstable.

He asked out her new assistant. Their date turned out to be quite innocent. He was interested in this girl initially. But said she spent the whole time talking about herself, ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, admitted to using drugs (cocaine), and drank way too much alcohol at dinner - so HE lost interest.

He shared with me screen shots of all the text messages with her and with her boss (which he saved as evidence) - his paranoia. The girl told her boss she was worried he could affect her job. She meant bc she admitted to using drugs to him and didn't want anyone in the office to find out. She never called him "creepy" or said anything bad about him. The boss took her to mean he was bothering her and went nuts.

Why do I support him? Because I care about him. I don't see it as enabling him. When he's upset, I'd like to be there for him and listen. When he has good news to share, I'd like to be happy for him. Underneath the layers of BPD, he is a good person. He has his faults and brings a lot of hardship on himself, but he didn't deserve this ruthless attack. His self-esteem is already so low, and his feelings of hopelessness and suicidal thoughts continue to concern me.

That said, I'd rather never, ever, ever hear about his latest crush or romantic interests again! Doesn't make me feel any better that it went south. Hurts that he went looking for someone 'better' in the first place!

[Grey Kitty]

Thanks Grey Kitty. Turns out there is an option C: The boss/co-worker who attacked him is actually a woman - a mean, angry destructive type.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. I'll buy option "C." He did pick somebody to date that turned out not to be of interest to him, and moved on. That part almost sounds healthy!

Now, his only lapse of judgement was to date that witch's new assistant. You already knew to steer as clear of her as possible! I hope he's smart enough to not ask out anybody else who reports to her!

That said, I'd rather never, ever, ever hear about his latest crush or romantic interests again!

And THAT is an excellent boundary for you to enforce in this friendship. The next time he starts to speak of that, just stop him with something like: "I'm still hurting over our breakup. Please don't speak with me about your current dating."

[Jessica84]

I tried that boundary... .must've done it wrong. He exploded. 

All I said was I'd prefer not to hear about his dates - this is after the 19th time of hearing about this one since it's what caused all the office drama. He kept telling the story over and over again.

I said I wasn't mad, I just don't want to hear about her anymore. He screamed angrily "Well I'm getting mad at YOU!" ... .and how dare I accuse him and keep making him admit his mistakes? He wants "to go forward" and I keep going backward... and why am I turning against him? and why am I making him talk about it? Um... .huh?

I'm not the one that keeps bringing it up!

[Grey Kitty]

I tried that boundary... .must've done it wrong. He exploded. 

His choice to explode doesn't mean you did the boundary wrong.

It might mean you should re-consider your friendship.

It also might mean you need a boundary about leaving conversations when he explodes.

Remember. Boundary enforcement is just about YOU. About protecting yourself from things you don't want to experience.

Any reaction or response from him to the boundary is incidental.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello Darlin'... .I wish I had better mastery over emoticon's so I could convey the affectionate tone of what I am going to say... .please understand that the following is an observation and not criticism.

In my experience I have noticed repeatedly spouses,friends, siblings... .confuse between support and therapy.  They assign each other roles that the person is not capable of living up to.  The expectations are unreal.  For instance:  I can tell my husband that I am depressed.  He should encourage me to go to a doctor/therapist.  If my expectation is for him to turn into a therapist and help me lift myself out of the depression, then my expectations are just not realistic.  He is neither a trained clinician, nor is our relationship such.  He can take over the chores that I used to do to give me time to go for therapy, he can put on soothing music, perhaps give me a back rub and start working extra hours to pay for the therapy.

BUT he CANNOT take the place of a therapist. 

Same thing applies to friends.  You care for him.  You are affectionate and want the best for him.  At best you can direct him to a trained clinician... .but you cannot acquire the role of one.  His expectations that you will soothe him are unrealistic and when they are not met, he explodes.

So when we talk about boundaries and enforcing them, we mean that you should know your own limitations.  You do not have clinical experience, you cannot soothe him.  Only he can soothe himself... .and the skill of self-soothing (yes, it is a skill and can be developed) can only be learnt with the help of a trained clinician.

You can drive him to his appointments, you can make a meal for him... .but the solution is not in YOU. 

It is not a matter of intention.  For I would have laid my life to save my dying father... .but this quid pro quo is just not possible.

Once you understand your own limitations without guilt, this site will help you develop actual skills in how to reinforce those boundaries.

  Remember that by trying to meet his expectations it is possible that you are keeping his hope alive--that in someway, your magical powers, your magical presence will make him whole.

It is possible to nurture and mother a child... .it is impossible to mother a full grown person... .you can be motherly... .but not a mother.

Hope this helps.