Self-harm and suicide talk/threats.

[RoseB]

My BPD girlfriend is really pushing me to the limit with talk about self harm and suicide. Its happening nearly every day now. If we get into an argument it will end in self harm threats unless I show her I care about her. I try my best to avoid arguments but sometimes it seems she is determined to cause some conflict or criticise me for the smallest of things (even how straight my hair is). She also has a tendency to self harm when she is drunk. She has admitted that she will threaten suicide to people if they show sings of leaving. However she has begun threatening suicide and self harm on the days when I won't do exactly what she wants. I don't think I am reacting in the best way to this, I find it quite overwhelming and I feel she is saying it as a means to control me. However a few days ago she began saying that she was going to self harm because I don't care about her, this was during an argument about me eating her chocolate. I told her that I felt she was saying it to test my reaction/to see it I cared and that it wasn't fair, I said I was finding it overwhelming and that it will take an expert to help her with these self harm urges. I said that I didn't want her to mention self-harming to me again as there is nothing I can do. Maybe this was the wrong thing to say, but I find it draining. Anyway, that same day she ended up self harming for the first time in months.

What is the best way to deal with constant talk of self-harm and suicide? Should I show care every time she says it? Or will this just feed her? I have dealt with it for nearly a year, and nothing is changing, it is just getting worse. She has tried to seek help, but there is no therapy available other than group therapy which she refuses to go to.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[sweetheart]

Hi RoseB,

itgirl posted some really good links on your other thread outlining how to start to set some boundaries for managing issues like threats of suicide and self-harm from your gf. Spend some time reading the links.

Dealing with the issues that someone with BPD brings is overwhelming so accessing support for yourself is very important. Dealing with threats of suicide is especially worrying. From your post you say that you have been attempting to deal with these issues by yourself for the last year and nothing has changed for your gf.

There is other help available in the UK for people with BPD other than group therapy, but it depends on severity of symptoms and the degree to which BPD impacts on the persons day to day functioning.

Focus on getting help and support for you, try and invest your energy in caring for yourself as you have been in trying to support your gf. Posting here is a start. This will help strengthen you emotionally and if you choose to remain longer term in this relationship it will help you establish boundaries that will protect you from abusive and threatening behaviours.

[maxsterling]

Oh, RoseB - I'm so sorry to hear you are dealing with this.   I dealt with the suicide language and threats almost every day for a year.  It thoroughly exhausted me emotionally, and I am still trying to get myself to return to baseline and not worry.

I'm sorry to say there is no easy answer here.  I can say that dealing with what you are dealing with is extremely serious and trying, so please take good care of yourself first.   You can't help her unless you take care of yourself first.  You need to tell yourself over and over that you aren't causing this, and you can't fix this.  Encourage her to seek help on her own through crisis lines or therapists.  Treat all threats seriously.  Use your best judgment and call for help if the situation warrants.  And as sweetheart suggested - don't keep this all inside you.  Talk to your friends and family about what you are going through.  Find a therapist for yourself.  Keep posting here   Having good friends helped me through the worst of it.   

[RoseB]

Thank you. Yeah I will give those links a good read through.  I want her to be able to find other ways of coping, its just hard when its all she knows and it does relieve mental pain temporarily for her. I guess I just need to learn how to cope with her, and what to avoid doing which may trigger her. And as you say, making sure I have support 

[pallavirajsinghani]

RoseB:  At every incident of self-harm and suicide, call 911.  When the police comes, she will say that you are lying.  So, best is, record the threat, call 911, play the recording to them, they will take her under 72 hour observation, she will rip you apart for being disloyal and will make you feel as if you did something wrong. And you will feel awfully guilty and rotten about an act of love and an act of righteousness.  It would be hard for you to remember that she is disordered.

However, this could very well be the first step towards clinical intervention that she so badly needs.  Getting professionals involved is the kindest, most loving, most affectionate thing you can ever do for a beloved person.

I should know this... .for we have two suicides in our extended family... .both of which could have been possibly avoided by the families deciding NOT to "save face".  The refusal to get professionals involved was the worst decision... .it deprived the sufferer from the possibility of benefiting from professional, trained treatment.