quiet borderline personality

[bluebird9]

Hi. Ive been with G for six years. Over that time he has disappeared alot but had been doing better the last year or two. He has now been gone 16 days. I looked up the silent treatment online and spent days researching.  I finally came across quiet borderline personality disorder.  I cried all night. It was as if it was written about him. I feel so completely sick inside. Im still just shell shocked and feel like the world is spinning.  Thanks for listening

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Bluebird,

I'm glad you've found this site--there are so many of us who've been in your shoes and the tools you will find here make life more pleasant.

I've got a quiet one too. Little truly outrageous behavior, but the pervasive signs and symptoms were there, just in the lite version.

Hugs . Coming to the realization is hard and there's grief and then acceptance. You will find lots of support here.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, bluebird9 & 

I'm so sorry for the heartache you are going through, and for the troubles you have been having with your partner. What happened before he disappeared? Do you have any idea of where he might have gone? What about his family? Are you in touch with them, and are they in the dark about his whereabouts, too?

When our loved one is not contacting us, and nowhere to be found, it can be really nerve-wracking! My own adult (37) son was diagnosed and treated--and still in Treatment--in April 2013. Before that, though, he would go away for days and days at a time, with his Dad and me not knowing where he was or if he was safe. It was torture; of course my first thoughts were that he was in some sort of danger or worse... .I do know how all of that feels 

I'm really glad you found us, bluebird9... .Please take some time to read the links to the right-hand side of this page, and this one will also be helpful for you to understand what could be going on in his mind: When a partner, spouse or girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder. I will second Cat Familiar; we are here for you, and I'd like to encourage you to continue to read on this site, and to tell us more of your story, and to ask any questions you have about your situation 

[Hawk Ridge]

Mine was quiet too, also suffered deep depression.  Before I knew about her BPD, I reacted to the rejection yet believed if I just stayed by her side with few demands, we would make it.  In the silence, she went online, found another whom she "was in love with," (ouch - still hurts after 8 months).  I grieved the diagnosis once I found out afterwards and still struggle with thr illogical concept that what was, at one time, our deep love could motivate her change,   Now, I work constantly on staying in this minute.  Tears still come easy every day.  It gets better but takes time.  My crazy thought is maybe someday she'll want to come back.   If she does, I don't know how I'll ever handle the silent treatment again as it led to cheating.  Until then, my mantra: Stay present, stay present, stay present. 

[Cat Familiar]

Hawk Ridge,

That is really rough!

Mine was quiet too, also suffered deep depression.  Before I knew about her BPD, I reacted to the rejection yet believed if I just stayed by her side with few demands, we would make it.  In the silence, she went online, found another whom she "was in love with," (ouch - still hurts after 8 months).  I grieved the diagnosis once I found out afterwards and still struggle with thr illogical concept that what was, at one time, our deep love could motivate her change,   Now, I work constantly on staying in this minute.  Tears still come easy every day.  It gets better but takes time.  My crazy thought is maybe someday she'll want to come back.   If she does, I don't know how I'll ever handle the silent treatment again as it led to cheating.  Until then, my mantra: Stay present, stay present, stay present. 

The grief stage following the diagnosis or the realization of a personality disorder left me feeling empty, unsupported, disappointed and generally just sad and unmotivated.

Part of my issue is realizing that it's not a matter of if, but when, the dysfunctional behaviors return. If they're seemingly normal most of the time, it's easy to lull oneself into the false belief that it won't happen again, but we know that not to be true.

[shatra]

Hi

  There is a book on BPd where the author breaks it down into 4 groups---queen, witch, waif, and hermit---sounds like yours are hermits.

  What is the difference between "silent treatment" and the push phase of the push-pull behavior? Or between silent and official bbreaks?

Shatra

[bluebird9]

Thank you all for your kind responses. I cant tell you how much it has helped me. I would like to tell my story but am afraid of the response.  I was really stupid.  Its really my own fault i should have walked away. Now just so sad. Cant focus or make sense of anything.  Cant believe he never really loved me. Feel sick

[Hawk Ridge]

Bluebird, I can't and won't tell you what to do.  Our pwBPD did that and we suffered the damage.  I can tell you that, when and if you want to tell it, you are safe here.   We all have gone through so much stuff, made decisions we never thought we would, poured our hearts out here because in our regular life, people don't get it (and God bless them for not understanding what it's like to be with a pwBPD), and we have lived through the crazy making untruths while hoping for a better situation.  Some of us, and I am pointing to myself, grieved the diagnosis, entered a state of denial, and even prayed for a miracle because this damned disease stole the person we loved.  No one beats each other up.  Judging others would make us have to judge ourselves and haven't we all been through enough? Most of us see a T to try to get our thinking straight after the prolonged emotional abuse.   You are safe here so take your time and please just take care of you.  You deserve it, survivor!