She broke NC... help.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I would say that no contact is the most effective. I find that I would get sucked back in and end up in a lot of pain at the hands of an incredibly selfish, sick manipulative person. That is just me. If she came to my front door I just would not answer it. She has tried to ambush me in supermarket parking lots... .planned "accidental" run-ins... .I have looked down and rushed around her. Not even giving her a hello and she does not deserve one after what I went through. I do not engage... .It is ALWAYS a bad for me.

Maybe your situation is different... .

[Infared]

I would say that no contact is the most effective. I find that I would get sucked back in and end up in a lot of pain at the hands of an incredibly selfish, sick manipulative person. That is just me. If she came to my front door I just would not answer it. She has tried to ambush me in supermarket parking lots... .planned "accidental" run-ins... .I have looked down and rushed around her. Not even giving her a hello and she does not deserve one after what I went through. I do not engage... .It is ALWAYS a bad for me.

Maybe your situation is different... .

[Deeno02]

I almost feel as if this is what I should send. I'm afraid that if I don't send anything, she'll actually show up at my apartment.

I think it's time we both moved on. You asked for forgiveness, and you have it. But it is better if we both move on to different chapters in our lives. We keep fixing and breaking and I just can't see a solution to it other than this. I will always have very good memories of us and will always carry those with me. However, I wish you the best in every aspect of your life.

Thoughts?

Yeah, ignore, ignore, delete and ignore somemore. Dont go down this route dude.

[Earthbayne]

So I know what you guys were saying to me about Ignore, but I did reply with that email... .and I made sure not to look back. I wanted there to be something concrete and a last response from me. Funny, because she sent me an email in response at 1:46 AM (I guess she was out late partying and having a great time - funny, she texted me the night before at 2:30 AM). I just had to laugh at this email, only because I KNOW exactly what she is doing. Had I not, I would have fallen specifically for one or two lines in this email and wanted a conversation with her. Now, I just come here and post it.

Earthbayne,

Thank you for your response and for your forgiveness.  I understand and also wonder if going separate ways is the answer, but there is still part of me that feels it can be fixed for good with no more breaking and I just don't know if moving on has to be the only solution. Part of me feels that the next chapter for us together could be a great one. The ups and downs we've been through doesn't necessarily have to mean that we should just throw in the towel. It taught us what works and what doesn't and how we can make it better.  And It's different now... .I'm out of that fog, I have clarity and am getting back to being myself, which is why I wonder if now is a better time for us to start new and get back to where we used to be instead of moving on... .Or if we're just meant to stay in the past.  But despite how things may have seemed, I wanted to invite you for the holidays and have you meet my parents and take that next step in the relationship, but I hadn't spoken to you yet because I didn't know how you would feel about it. I was literally thinking about it that week. And then things took a drastic turn. Ugh

Anyway, I dont know what the right answer or solution is. But as you can see, I just wasn't as ready as you are to give up and still held on to some hope for us.  However, if letting go and moving on is what you want, then that's what I'll do.  I will also always carry our memories with me and wish you the best in every aspect of your life as well.  If you change your mind, or if you ever need anything, you know where to find me... .

exBPD

(Sorry it's another long email)


I want to relay my thoughts on this, but I wanted to see what my fellow forum-goers had to say first.

[billypilgrim]

My first impressions are as follows:  You sent an e-mail basically saying goodbye and giving yourself closure.  PwBPD can't handle closure/doors closing as that leaves them without options and plays to their issues with abandonment.  I'm not surprised at all by the e-mail.  I'm also not surprised by the fact that you received a response despite your e-mail to her being a sort of "goodbye, no response necessary kind of thing."  I honestly feel like if I would have kept responding to my ex, I could have gotten to a point that I said the sky is blue and she would have responded just to respond with the contrary.  It's almost like the thought of me getting the last word was unacceptable in her eyes.  I think that speaks to their need to be in control of the r/s.  

I received a similar e-mail after I responded to one of hers - I specifically stated that I did not want to go back and forth, that I did not want to rehash our relationship.  What did she do?  She sent me a 2 page e-mail (do they all write books to us?) literally rehashing everything that she didn't like in our 6 year relationship (she found 10 "issues" to discuss, almost like she was journaling every transgression).  I think you know what you need to do with that response... .best of luck.

[Deeno02]

Don't respond... just let her drift away...

[Earthbayne]

Don't worry, I have no intentions of responding. I just wanted to see what opinions I get before I post my own thoughts (here) about that email.

As far as I am concerned, my last contact with her was that email I sent.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

In my experience with a lying/cheating/manipulating BPDgf, actions, not words, reveal the truth.

I would have deleted the e-mails, and said nothing.  By doing so, your ex will stew over where you stand.

By responding as you did, she now knows that you are no longer interested, yet it leaves the door open in her mind to sway you at some point in the future via contact.

Ignoring / giving the wordless cold shoulder, devoid of any contact seems to be the only way to communicate with a damaged ex and send them the message that it is O-V-E-R once and for all.

[Infared]

In my experience with a lying/cheating/manipulating BPDgf, actions, not words, reveal the truth.

I would have deleted the e-mails, and said nothing.  By doing so, your ex will stew over where you stand.

By responding as you did, she now knows that you are no longer interested, yet it leaves the door open in her mind to sway you at some point in the future via contact.

Ignoring / giving the wordless cold shoulder, devoid of any contact seems to be the only way to communicate with a damaged ex and send them the message that it is O-V-E-R once and for all.

For a pwBPD any response is a win.

[Earthbayne]

That's what I figured. I sent it for me though. Regardless of the response. Her email is deleted and any further email/text is going ignored. When I sent it at 5 PM yesterday, I was doing it at the behest of other people and did it because I thought I should offer at least some sort of closure. My mistake, because I realized that this is what I have done with non's in the past. So I sent the message and told both my best friend and my sister, that I fully expected some sort of emotional manipulation in response from her. She sent the email response at 1:46 AM. So she let it fester for over 7 hours, or she was out trying to make up for what I had just "done to her". Either way, not my problem.

What "amuses" me about her response is that I essentially tried to slam the door shut on anything further and just as the door was almost about to close, she stuck her foot in. She pushed it slightly open and dangled the "parent" carrot. Now, she knew MONTHS ago that to me, that was important and that it symbolized a further commitment from her, but she always avoided it. She always said her parents weren't ready to meet any partner she was with. That they wouldn't understand. Now, she's THIRTY SEVEN. Yes, 37. I'm sure by that age, her parents should be wondering WHY they haven't met anyone yet.

Back in the summer, I stopped wondering about it because by then, I knew that I would never marry this woman and I'd never want to have kids with her. That's how much my craydar was buzzing. So I gave up on certain things within her life. I knew I didn't want to go there. Now, as she puts her foot in the slamming door and smushed her face through it, she tells me that in retrospect, she was "thinking" about having me meet her parents. OF COURSE. NOW she says that.

She's full of it. To the nth degree, and I know that when the day would have come to "meet them", we would have had a fight the day before and she'd "cancel", when in reality, it probably would have never been set up. To be honest, I'm not surprised that she pulled that last trick out of her hat, I wasn't expecting it, but it didn't faze me either. She pretty much left the door slightly propped open on her end... .but what she doesn't register is that from now on, I'm choosing a completely different door from now on.

Regardless of my response or not, I'm sure she would have tried reaching out to me eventually anyway. I hope she moves on to her replacement. What did give me chills about everything was her mentioning being "out of the fog"... .no, honey, I'm going to be out of it now.

[Earthbayne]

Crazy, after all of this... .last night I got flaked on by two different people and that triggered me missing her. She NEVER flaked on me, that was just about the only good quality she ever had. But I realize now that it was because she always just needed someone to be there for her, not the other way around.

I was sitting here last night and felt myself missing this shell of a person, and decided to text some friends who quickly invited me over to the bar they were at.

It's ridiculous how even when you think you are done, they still hold a certain amount of emotional power over you.

[Infared]

Crazy, after all of this... .last night I got flaked on by two different people and that triggered me missing her. She NEVER flaked on me, that was just about the only good quality she ever had. But I realize now that it was because she always just needed someone to be there for her, not the other way around.

I was sitting here last night and felt myself missing this shell of a person, and decided to text some friends who quickly invited me over to the bar they were at.

It's ridiculous how even when you think you are done, they still hold a certain amount of emotional power over you.

Hence absolute NC is the only way to fly.

[Earthbayne]

Flying first class from now on.

[Infared]

Flying first class from now on.

It's the only way to move forward completely!   Bravo!