How to re-connect ?

[HappyChappy]

How to re-connect. I’ve been NC for a year, but the pressure is mounting for an X-Mass meet. Here’s the scenario. We’ve decided never to see my older NPD bro, as he’s a covert Nark and every time we meet he does some nasty covert attack. He’s extremely obnoxious, so my family has never really wanted to meet with him, but my BPDm pushes us together all the time as he’s her GC. He’s never had friends, or a girlfriend and as I’m the sociable one (and the scapegoat) I’m expected to sort him out.

Now my BPD mom is a very aggressive Queen/Witch type and very predictable. When we next meet she will come in guns blazing and hit my triggers really hard, before I have a chance to lay down boundaries. Then she’ll immediately attack the boundaries etc... .She’s permanently on the attack until she gets 100% what she wants. So I need to plan before we meet. Problem is the disparity between my BPDm view of her GC, and the reality of what the rest of the world thinks about him is massive. It would be impossible to prick that bubble. Also in the past I’ve state the GC is not invited to thing we told he’s not around and then he just appears last minute (like at our wedding).

My Dad does recognises the appalling behaviour of the GC (the GC punched him in the face when he was a pensioner) but never speaks against him, he fears his rages, he wants a quiet life. So I don’t think honest will work here, my BPDm can attack boundaries built on the truth. But she doesn’t attack ones built on my PTSD. This plays to her fantasy that me and my sis (who has bolimia) are the failures. That brings the best out in her. But I have fought the scapegoat label my whole life, with great success, so deep within I would love for the truth to come out. But I know it won’t work. So I was thinking, maybe talking with my Dad about some of the appalling things the GC has done to me, I think he kinds of suspects. Half way to the truth.

Problem with that is, BPDm controlls all communication and I would have to pass him a letter when she’s not looking. He’s not allowed a mobile or e-mail account. She contoles those things and she listens in on the phone extension when we speak. My BPDm also made him write a letter of apology for our childhood, but it was all due to our BPDm not him. Would be nice to tell him that. The only problem is if my BPDm can convince him he’s at fault, she can convince him of anything. So again, maybe better to just play the game and don’t rock the boat. My PTSD will work well as an excuses for limiting exposure to them. The only problem is, it goes against my rebellious streak. This may sound odd, but the riots in Ferguson – I’d be front line. My Narcisstic farther in law use to kick handcuffed ethnic people in the back of the Police van, and yet he was a coward. The last person out of the van. His conscious is also clear. Maybe I should save my rebellion for when it may effect change. What do you think ?

[clljhns]

Hi Happy Chappy,

The holidays can bring so much anxiety whether we are with our FOO or not. It is amazing how we can see the train wreck coming, and all the BPD/NPD riders, smiling and waving to us to join them, content to be on the train of terror. I don't know that I have an answer for you. I think you have a clear picture of what might happen. It is disturbing that your mother has so much control over your GC brother. But, then he is a willing participant. What to do? Maybe just go with the knowledge that you will be faced with some people who are not in touch with reality, and you get to spend time with those that matter most to you. My suggestion would be to disengage emotionally before you go. Don't dwell on the "what ifs" and have a plan to leave when you know that you have had enough.

Wishing you all the best! Happy Holidays!

[Kwamina]

Hello HappyChappy,

Also in the past I’ve state the GC is not invited to thing we told he’s not around and then he just appears last minute (like at our wedding).

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying here. I also have a brother with strong narcissistic traits, I've been NC with him for 4,5 years now. But I did see him on my mother's birthday, he unexpectedly called and said he was coming. I greeted him when he came in and said bye when he left but that was it, I didn't engage in any conversations with him at all. You start your post by asking how to re-connect. Maybe the question you should first ask yourself is, based on all your experiences so far, do you really want to re-connect?

He’s extremely obnoxious, so my family has never really wanted to meet with him, but my BPDm pushes us together all the time as he’s her GC. He’s never had friends, or a girlfriend and as I’m the sociable one (and the scapegoat) I’m expected to sort him out.

Why do you feel like you're expected to be the one to sort your brother out? Is this perhaps something your mother and/or father kept telling you?

Now my BPD mom is a very aggressive Queen/Witch type and very predictable. When we next meet she will come in guns blazing and hit my triggers really hard, before I have a chance to lay down boundaries. Then she’ll immediately attack the boundaries etc... .She’s permanently on the attack until she gets 100% what she wants. So I need to plan before we meet.

That really doesn't sound like something to look forward to  So you're right, if the X-Mass meet would happen you need to plan very well before you meet and like clljhns says, have a proper exit-strategy to remove yourself from the situation if necessary.

But I have fought the scapegoat label my whole life, with great success, so deep within I would love for the truth to come out. But I know it won’t work. So I was thinking, maybe talking with my Dad about some of the appalling things the GC has done to me, I think he kinds of suspects. Half way to the truth.

Problem with that is, BPDm controlls all communication and I would have to pass him a letter when she’s not looking. He’s not allowed a mobile or e-mail account. She contoles those things and she listens in on the phone extension when we speak. My BPDm also made him write a letter of apology for our childhood, but it was all due to our BPDm not him. Would be nice to tell him that.

This isn't easy at all, if I were in your shoes I would also want to tell him that you don't blame him but realize that your mother was the primary cause of all the troubles. Yet, telling him will likely trigger some new events since he seems to be totally controlled by your mother and all his communications are monitored by her. Clljhns is right that the holidays can cause a lot of stress and anxiety for all of us. Perhaps it's best to let this holiday season pass and after that when you're in a calmer state of mind, then decide whether to talk to your dad about all these things you have on your mind. How do you feel about this approach?

My Narcisstic farther in law use to kick handcuffed ethnic people in the back of the Police van, and yet he was a coward. The last person out of the van. His conscious is also clear.

Nothing to say here about your father in law's behavior except:  

Maybe I should save my rebellion for when it may effect change. What do you think ?

Based on your past experiences and 'rebellions' with your family, do you yourself believe this would change anything now? I don't know your family-members of course but based on all your posts I am not sure a 'rebellion' as you call it here would effect any positive changes. My advice would be to rebel by sticking to your values and what you know is the truth and to strongly defend your boundaries when challenged. By strongly defending I don't necessarily mean confronting or engaging them but just leaving and removing yourself from the situation because odds are that you won't get through to them. Perhaps if you were dealing with a family-member one on one it would be different but when there's a gathering like a X-Mass meet, my advice would be to just leave and spare yourself any further drama.

[HappyChappy]

Kwamina and clljhns thank you both for your considered repsponces. I was feeling very alone with this all, so just getting a repsonce helps. I also agrea with much of what you've written. I'm just not well enought to re-engauge. We will proably never see my NPD bro again and I need to be fighting fit to go back into combat with Mummy Dearest.

On an up note, I resently "lost it" with a customer of mine because I felt she was taking advantage (still working on setting boundaries). I expected (and wanted) to lose her business. But she just came around with chocolates and an appology.

[Kwamina]

On an up note, I resently "lost it" with a customer of mine because I felt she was taking advantage (still working on setting boundaries). I expected (and wanted) to lose her business. But she just came around with chocolates and an appology.

Very good that you were able to stand up for yourself! You've taught that customer a very important life lesson: