Getting out of a recycle?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I wrote on here a while back that I thought I was heading for a recycle with my ex wife. Someone pointed out that I was already in the midst of it. And I realized that person was correct, I was. It has not turned physical, but certainly emotionally it has all the signs and signals that I have jumped head first into a situation that can not possibly end well. I feel the rumblings of it already, although nothing serious. Having a child together it is so helpful to be "friends" with her because it seems to make things so much easier. Especially living in a relatively small city where we still have numerous overlapping friends and social groups. So the question is besides why in the heck do we go back for more, but also how to get out before this s*** hits the fan? Like in my mind I am well aware that she is sick, and I am well aware that I would never ever be friends with someone who treated me like she treated me. Yet what goes on in my mind is something like this... .

"well we have a child together and are therefore linked so would it not be better if we were friends and got along because it would make the next 14+ years easier so just try to look past what she did to you... ." or trying to convince myself not that what she did was okay but rather that it won't happen again. Yet for all I know she is still talking crap about me, calling me names etc behind my back while saying she wants to be friends. I know I can not trust her but it is like a drug or something... .well it reminds me of my bid to quit smoking. That craving for her attention, recognition etc. yet I am only partially getting it. So why do we go back for more abuse when we wouldn't from someone of a non romantic nature?

If I was to get out before the stuff hits the fan which it will do at some point I am sure, how do I get out while it is good. How do I back up?

[thisyoungdad]

I wrote on here a while back that I thought I was heading for a recycle with my ex wife. Someone pointed out that I was already in the midst of it. And I realized that person was correct, I was. It has not turned physical, but certainly emotionally it has all the signs and signals that I have jumped head first into a situation that can not possibly end well. I feel the rumblings of it already, although nothing serious. Having a child together it is so helpful to be "friends" with her because it seems to make things so much easier. Especially living in a relatively small city where we still have numerous overlapping friends and social groups. So the question is besides why in the heck do we go back for more, but also how to get out before this s*** hits the fan? Like in my mind I am well aware that she is sick, and I am well aware that I would never ever be friends with someone who treated me like she treated me. Yet what goes on in my mind is something like this... .

"well we have a child together and are therefore linked so would it not be better if we were friends and got along because it would make the next 14+ years easier so just try to look past what she did to you... ." or trying to convince myself not that what she did was okay but rather that it won't happen again. Yet for all I know she is still talking crap about me, calling me names etc behind my back while saying she wants to be friends. I know I can not trust her but it is like a drug or something... .well it reminds me of my bid to quit smoking. That craving for her attention, recognition etc. yet I am only partially getting it. So why do we go back for more abuse when we wouldn't from someone of a non romantic nature?

If I was to get out before the stuff hits the fan which it will do at some point I am sure, how do I get out while it is good. How do I back up?

[enlighten me]

Slowly and carefully.

I have a similar thing with my ex wife. She has painted me white and told her mum how she misses me and what a mistake she made. She has even contiplated contacting me at one in the morning as her and her husband had an argument. I have kept my distance and told her mum that there was no way we would get back together.

Its a mine field. Yes the friends thing does make interaction easier but the more they think theres a chance the bigger thehpotential drama when they realise its not going to happen.

[Turkish]

My Ex wanted to keep me as a good friend even while she was living with me, conducting her juvenile r/s not so behind my back. I got similar commnication, "wonr it be good to see mommy and daddy being friends?" But it wasn't really about the kds, it was about her. Since she still tries this stuff,.not even a year out, I think to myself, "what's in it for me?"

Kids aside, I don't think that's selfish at all. I try to be "Joe Carver" (from the breaking up with a borderline article): bland, boring, emotionless. It's all "business" from this point out, though I am still struggling.

[Lolster]

why in the heck do we go back for more, but also how to get out before this s*** hits the fan? 

I went back (fleetingly) as I'd honestly forgotten just how toxic he was as it had been a brief, long distance relationship years before.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I clearly thought "Perhaps I wasn't very nice to him at the time as I wasn't in a good place."  What became obvious during the recycle (supposedly as friends but he quickly pushed for more   ) was that I would never have let it drag on for a few months the first time around if I had been in a good place. So fast forward a few years and he contacts me apologising, and me liking to think the best of people assumes he's apologising for his behaviour at the last b/u.  But no, it transpired he was apologising for recent behaviour via an email I didn't get due to him being blocked. I'm hopeful though that this time around he has realised I will definitely not enable him and I'm not worth pursuing, even as a friend.  I hope for his sake that it's helped him to realise that his obsession with 'getting me back' over the past few years was pointless and he can move on, and I'm hopeful as he hasn't contacted me (that I know of) in the last four months, whereas he bombarded me for months following the first b/u.

It must be difficult for those of you who always have them on your radar due to having children together.  Take care of yourself (and child) and listen to those in the same boat who have come through it and are staying above water.  I do have a child with another who is most definitely disordered and I do remember that was very hard not to get dragged back in to (nearly 8yrs out of that one), and I had to learn to respond to nothing other than arrangements for our child and not taking the bait of negative/needy/emotional interactions.  I would just ignore them completely and pretend they hadn't happened. 

[thisyoungdad]

Interesting thoughts. I am still in contact with my former divorce attorney because I work in a trade job and worked for her after my divorce was final. So anyway I was talking to her about this recently and she said to me "what is her (my ex wife) motivation?" and I thought that was interesting. What is her motivation? She divorced me, treated me horribly, painted me black and everyone including her attorney saw it. So now the divorce was final the end of June and it was in August she was suddenly starting to act like she missed me etc. August was 2 years since she abruptly left and turned my life upside down. So I have been wondering what her motivation is. I think I have two ideas. One is she is single and probably lonely. The second is that she has decided she wants another kid and is using IVF to get pregnant as a single woman. The problem with that is that she has continued to communicate to me that she struggles to handle having our daughter the 50% of the time she has her (and she is 4 1/2 now so pretty easy in comparison to a baby) and I have my daughter at least part of if not the entire weekend every weekend. So she has insisted she doesn't want me to co parent with her, but I think she is setting me up so that if/when she has a baby she can turn and rely on me. Clearly it is complicated. None the less it is helpful to think that there is nothing in her motivation that is actually seeking to right any wrongs, she is doing it for whatever conscious or subconscious reasons she has that benefit HER. It is painful though spending time with her sometimes because of the conversations that come up and it reminds me the resolution I don't have yet and probably won't ever have. Yet I still spend family time together with her, or in some cases one on one time with her. I think it is time to call my therapist... .because clearly I am making unwise decisions but I don't feel I can stop myself for some reason.