Is this possible?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My husband I believe was diagnosed BPD, although after he said it, he changed his story back to saying Intermittent Explosive Disorder again. We see the same psychiatrist, and while he won't share information, he did tell me that he thought I'd "more than tried, and this marriage ending would probably be a relief to me". I trust this psychiatrist, and while he was my uBPDh therapist first, I felt okay going to him. I wasn't diagnosed with anything other than situational depression, and I already knew I was having panic attacks due to being exposed to uBPDh's rages, blame, and outright crazy feeling behaviors.

My uBPDh didn't like it that I didn't get diagnosed with anything. I'm talking, super disappointed. And here is my QUESTION: I know he didn't fool the psychiatrist, but I have a feeling he has his therapist fooled to some extent? He's been seeing her for three years, and I also went along for a while(stopped because it was too frustrating as I was doing all the work and compromising, and he was getting worse), and it was on her recommendation he finally see a psychiatrist. Likely she only recommended that because I'd begged my husband to go to his family doctor, and I went along, and he was put on a drug highly used to treat BPD(although his doctor didn't diagnose that, but I think he may have suspected?). uBPDh complained to his therapist about not liking the drug his family doctor prescribed, and she recommended he see a psychiatrist... .FINALLY.

Well, he left over two weeks ago. He'd been threatening divorce forever, but really started holding it over my head, even when he wasn't mad, and he finally pulled the plug. Actually it was on a great day, the day I'd gone to the psychiatrist for the second time, and he was again disappointed it wasn't ME with the issue. Here is my second QUESTION: His therapist that I question if he has fooled, do you think she recommended he go no contact with ME? You know, because I'm just sure he's portrayed ME as the "crazy" one. He's on the max dosage, it was increased three times by his psychiatrist, and I wonder if he's even told his therapist that. I'm just really baffled by his ability to go no contact. Even though his behaviors were awful, and his thinking seemed skewed, he was always rather dependable, at least contact wise. I'm just stunned at how he's able to have so little contact with me, and the rare times he does, he's flat out cold. Oddly cold. It's like he never slept next to me, loved me, or cared about me at all. It's just odd to me. It's like he flipped a switch, and he's an even different person than the other two I knew: The "nice" guy he was prior to marriage, and then the "angry, volatile, blaming, raging, skewed thinking" guy.

Who is this guy, and is he likely to come back around? Lots of women who deal with abusers think he'll eventually try to suck me back in, but I doubt it. And do you think he really did convince his therapist that I'm the crazy one, and she advised him to go no contact?

[Ceruleanblue]

My husband I believe was diagnosed BPD, although after he said it, he changed his story back to saying Intermittent Explosive Disorder again. We see the same psychiatrist, and while he won't share information, he did tell me that he thought I'd "more than tried, and this marriage ending would probably be a relief to me". I trust this psychiatrist, and while he was my uBPDh therapist first, I felt okay going to him. I wasn't diagnosed with anything other than situational depression, and I already knew I was having panic attacks due to being exposed to uBPDh's rages, blame, and outright crazy feeling behaviors.

My uBPDh didn't like it that I didn't get diagnosed with anything. I'm talking, super disappointed. And here is my QUESTION: I know he didn't fool the psychiatrist, but I have a feeling he has his therapist fooled to some extent? He's been seeing her for three years, and I also went along for a while(stopped because it was too frustrating as I was doing all the work and compromising, and he was getting worse), and it was on her recommendation he finally see a psychiatrist. Likely she only recommended that because I'd begged my husband to go to his family doctor, and I went along, and he was put on a drug highly used to treat BPD(although his doctor didn't diagnose that, but I think he may have suspected?). uBPDh complained to his therapist about not liking the drug his family doctor prescribed, and she recommended he see a psychiatrist... .FINALLY.

Well, he left over two weeks ago. He'd been threatening divorce forever, but really started holding it over my head, even when he wasn't mad, and he finally pulled the plug. Actually it was on a great day, the day I'd gone to the psychiatrist for the second time, and he was again disappointed it wasn't ME with the issue. Here is my second QUESTION: His therapist that I question if he has fooled, do you think she recommended he go no contact with ME? You know, because I'm just sure he's portrayed ME as the "crazy" one. He's on the max dosage, it was increased three times by his psychiatrist, and I wonder if he's even told his therapist that. I'm just really baffled by his ability to go no contact. Even though his behaviors were awful, and his thinking seemed skewed, he was always rather dependable, at least contact wise. I'm just stunned at how he's able to have so little contact with me, and the rare times he does, he's flat out cold. Oddly cold. It's like he never slept next to me, loved me, or cared about me at all. It's just odd to me. It's like he flipped a switch, and he's an even different person than the other two I knew: The "nice" guy he was prior to marriage, and then the "angry, volatile, blaming, raging, skewed thinking" guy.

Who is this guy, and is he likely to come back around? Lots of women who deal with abusers think he'll eventually try to suck me back in, but I doubt it. And do you think he really did convince his therapist that I'm the crazy one, and she advised him to go no contact?

[Ceruleanblue]

Oh, and one more odd thing. Although he's been almost no contact, he did call a couple days ago, and he asked me about some guy he said I'd mentioned. I'd forgotten even mentioning this guy to him. He acted like he was worried, or curious, or something... .I don't know, it was just odd. I'm not dating, and have zero interest in dating, I need to heal, and I may never trust a man again after all this. It was just weird how he acted, and why he even wanted to know? He's the one who left ME! Why should he care?

Oh, and I was not my usual "please come back, we'll work through this" self. I've done that enough, and I've had enough space now to see that I was doing him an IMMENSE favor to want to stay and work it out with someone who has such immense issues, issues he's really not working on. When he left he said he could see how hard I'd been trying to work on things he wanted me to, things that I'm now really upset that I even did that, because they are issues he invented or caused.

I think he was left wondering why I was no longer begging for him to come home and work on the marriage, and I'm left wondering why he called to ask me about this "guy" I'd mentioned.

Has anyone else experienced this strangeness once the BPD leaves?

[enlighten me]

Id say that when you mentioned this guy he got insecure and paranoid. Now that you have splitup he is searching for answers. Rather than take responsibility it is easier to paint you black and the thought that you may have been involved with someone else shifts the blame from his behaviour onto you.

As with all the behaviours we can never truly know but this is my best guess.

[letmeout]

Rather than take responsibility it is easier to paint you black and the thought that you may have been involved with someone else shifts the blame from his behavior onto you.

My ex did that too. He had to shift the blame to avoid feeling his shame.

[WhatTheFrank]

He might have his therapist fooled, but I've found that most therapists tread very lightly with BPD because they are easily spooked.

If you challenge them too much if they're not ready, they will bolt or start devaluing the therapist.  There's a chance this therapist can still save your husband but unfortunately it is independent of you.

God bless the person who stick with them through therapy/DBT (very important!)  Just remember actions are louder than words.  If they say they went to therapy, follow up with them, what they talked about, what they worked out, etc.  If you get generic answers it is probably lip service to keep you around until the new supply is secured.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I didn't mention this "guy" until after my uBPDh had left me, saying he wanted a divorce. He spent well over two years belittling, and trying to devalue me. I mentioned this "guy" just to see how he reacted, and I certainly didn't say I was dating or interested in him. He just leapt to that conclusion, just like anytime I did anything NICE, he'd twist it to make it the opposite, the exact opposite. It was like living in a weird, alternate world.

I would sometimes ask him how his therapy went, but it was usually just him complaining about me, or how to get his adult kids back(three of the four hated me without reason). He is only in cognitive behavior therapy, which is clearly not working. I was willing to stay with him, even after his diagnosis, which he felt the need to hide from me, but was not even given that option. He is just saying "I know I'm an abusive ___hole", you'll be happier without me". Crap like that. Problem is, I know he doesn't truly mean any of that. He's too narcissistic to really feel he's truly to blame, I feel. I think he's trying to keep our split/divorce "amicable". He even used that word.

Trust me, we passed amicable, a long time ago. After all the abuse he's enacted on me, blamed all his issues on me, all his kids' issues on me, and left when I wanted US to get help,  and was working on the issues he wanted me to, I'm not feeling amicable. The longer he's gone, and not even checking in, the more I see what I put up with, and how he is able to just turn his emotions towards me off. I'm actually starting to feel he could be a sociopath.

I hope it truly is a case of his therapist just "treading lightly" so she doesn't spook him, but I fear not. If I were a therapist, and I'd seen a patient for THREE years, over three years, and I was not getting anywhere with him, I'd refer him elsewhere, or get him specialized treatment. I feel she may just be in it for the money. I feel guilty saying that, but I do wonder. Hopefully his psychiatrist someday advises specialized treatment like DBT... .even though it will be too late for "us".