If he had went NC the way I did, i would feel devastated and think he was cold.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It is one week since I broke up with him in a letter. Four days later he started sending me messages, getting more and more desperate because I didn't respond. If I were him, I would feel desperate and devastated too. I was very clear about breaking up in my letter, explaining why, without accusations or blaming him. But I didn't write that I would not have any contact with him, and that I wouldn't respond to his messages, and why I wouldn't. That is one thing I can't come to terms with. Not that I broke up with him. But how would you feel if the one you love sent you a letter saying it is over, and you sent her/him messages to try and have a dialogue about it, and she/he didn't respond at all? As if she/he suddenly didn't exist? Just cut! After 8 months together, most of the time wonderful. In one of his last messages he wrote: "Would you please not need to be like ice." Maybe that is what he wants me to feel, that I am too cold. Well, it is a very cold behaviour towards someone you love, and who loves you, isn't it? And that hurts more than anything. I don't feel I am true to myself being so cold and I act as if he doesn't exist. I thought I could maybe send him a message telling him that I am sorry that I had to end it this way, not telling him face to face, but by writing him a letter, and that the reason why I don't respond to his messages is that I don't want to give him false expectations of something that is not going to be. Wouldn't that be reasonable? What could I risk doing that?

[harbour]

It is one week since I broke up with him in a letter. Four days later he started sending me messages, getting more and more desperate because I didn't respond. If I were him, I would feel desperate and devastated too. I was very clear about breaking up in my letter, explaining why, without accusations or blaming him. But I didn't write that I would not have any contact with him, and that I wouldn't respond to his messages, and why I wouldn't. That is one thing I can't come to terms with. Not that I broke up with him. But how would you feel if the one you love sent you a letter saying it is over, and you sent her/him messages to try and have a dialogue about it, and she/he didn't respond at all? As if she/he suddenly didn't exist? Just cut! After 8 months together, most of the time wonderful. In one of his last messages he wrote: "Would you please not need to be like ice." Maybe that is what he wants me to feel, that I am too cold. Well, it is a very cold behaviour towards someone you love, and who loves you, isn't it? And that hurts more than anything. I don't feel I am true to myself being so cold and I act as if he doesn't exist. I thought I could maybe send him a message telling him that I am sorry that I had to end it this way, not telling him face to face, but by writing him a letter, and that the reason why I don't respond to his messages is that I don't want to give him false expectations of something that is not going to be. Wouldn't that be reasonable? What could I risk doing that?

[Targeted]

I wish now that I kept no contact from the day I broke up with my ex uBPDgf, you're right it does sound cold but sometimes it is the only way, here is another one of my red flags that I ignored I will share with you,

My ex met a man on A online dating site, within 2 months she got him to propose And had a engagement ring and was planning a wedding, we were friends at this point and she invited me to the wedding, although I never met the man because it ended within four months I did see a picture of them together on their wedding invitation and she obviously did not care about looks, when he broke up with her he gathered his things and did that by email.  Her and I being friends at this point she let me read it and explained her version of why it is wrong to break up by email, in his email he basically said to keep all the things that he has purchased and he does love her but this is not working because he had to do everything for her and had no time to do the things he needs to do for himself with her abundance of needs, something tells me he was warned about the abuses to come from somebody he trusted. Although his email was a lot more descriptive I feel as though I could have written it myself. His descriptions were exactly what I experienced.  So with these types of people I think getting out anyway You can is okay,  i'm sure you felt devastated more than once during the relationship so it is okay for them to feel it once if they even do.  Just my opinion but I think Fair is fair.

[Pingo]

Harbour, it is natural for you to feel this way.  You are clearly a very compassionate person.  It is really terrible that we have to resort to doing these things to take care of ourselves.  And since he knows you have a warm heart he is pouring on all the charm and pulling at your heartstrings.  This is very typical.  But do not forget that this is the same man who has psychologically tortured you to where you fear for your own safety.  This isn't a healthy person you are dealing with.  I had to send my ex a very stern email yesterday telling him if he tries to contact me again I will go to the police.  I found myself feeling guilty after, wondering how much that email had hurt him.  I had to really remind myself of all the times he had no regard to my feelings while he raged at me and made me feel afraid.  All the times he abused me.  All the times he thought he was entitled to abuse me.  If he doesn't relent you could send him a brief message saying that you need to take care of yourself now and that means no contact. Whatever you do, keep it brief.  Don't justify.  Just state the facts.  But know that whatever you say will likely not make any difference.  He'll only hear what he wants to hear.  I learned this the hard way.  I know it's hard.  Hang in there, it gets easier!

[Infern0]

This is part of the thing that has kept me connected for so long.  She used to say to me "everyone always abandons me" and I have had that voice with that sad little face stuck in my head.  That's why I tried to do the friends thing even after she had treated me so terribly and lied to me. I thought well look I can forgive and get over it. 

But the truth is they don't change,  not unless they are getting regular treatment which most are not.

I know you want to do the right thing but it's not going to make a difference,  any kind of contact is just going to make things worse,  You aren't dealing with a reasonable person here who will understand and accept. That won't happen.

[fred6]

Harbour, I will go against popular opinion here and tell you that I don't see a problem with you contacting him with a short email to clarify things. Just like we want closure, we should expect the same from our ex's to some extent. However, if you are truly wanting to detach from this person I don't recommend a repeated and extended dialog.

After 3 years, my ex cheated on me, broke up with me, kicked me out, and treated me like yesterdays garbage for 2 months until I moved out and I haven't heard from her since. So I know how badly that feels. Don't get me wrong, I'm as guilty as anyone here to want revenge and to get payback. But in my opinion, the last thing I want to do is to turn into what my ex has become. If the only way to find happiness is to become everything that I hate, then I don't know if I want happiness.

No one can make this decision for you harbour. If you feel that it will help you move on to give him a very small bit of empathy, I would do it. However, you must realize that it may be an attempt to pull you back in and recycle. Everyone's situation is different and there is no right or wrong answer. Did he indicate what he wanted?

[Lion Fire]

I cut ties with her on all levels less than a month after we split. Her father had just passed away and she was a mess. I was a mess too and I knew deep down that I had to go NC to survive. It was a very tough decision and I was torn. Nevertheless, I have stuck with strict NC for over 5 months. She stopped reaching out 3 months ago.

I'm feeling better. A lot better. Time and space have healed.

I recommend NC if you really want to be free.

[harbour]

Thank you!

I feel more at ease with it now that I have read about your experience. Then I remember Mr. Hyde.

I get doubts and feel remorse, and missing him, when I remember dr. Jekill. A good friend of mine (he is a therapist) said to me the other day that what is happening is that his splitting has made me split too about him. And that is why it seems so hard to see him as one and the same person, when I think of him. When I think of him he is either Jekill or Hyde.

[antelope]

It is one week since I broke up with him in a letter. Four days later he started sending me messages, getting more and more desperate because I didn't respond. If I were him, I would feel desperate and devastated too.

you say you broke up with him, and clearly stated your reasons, and yet, here he goes, in typical BPD fashion, crossing the boundaries YOU have clearly set, because he/she didn't get their way 

if you were him, you would RESPECT the boundaries he has decided to set, and that would trump your impulsive desires to immediately quell your unhappiness and discomfort... .

you are barely a week out... .let time pass! 

you might be very surprised where your present compassion may be in a few weeks once you start revisiting and self-reflecting on a lot of matters

[downwhim]

NC is the only way. It has been 2 months for me. Be Strong

[DangIthurts]

It is one week since I broke up with him in a letter. Four days later he started sending me messages, getting more and more desperate because I didn't respond. If I were him, I would feel desperate and devastated too.

Most BPDs give you a reason or a host of complaints as to why you are unworthy as they're jumping ship. Then once you get a mild reason with no closure they don't care what feelings you have they can go NC. So he wouldn't do what you did, so you can not worry about that. And given most have places or things to jump into you're begging/caring/talking USUALLY from what I read on here has NO impact.

Its like going 120mph and getting pulled over. Its pretty much up in the air whats going to happen to you, and you have 0 control, you might get lucky and he'll let you go, or you might find yourself having some jail time, or just a crap load of fines

Mine for instance siad a few times good life, stay out of my business and finally my last text I should think about the last argument we had and relive that day forever because I hurt her.

[SlyQQ]

Two things examine YOUR motives (it is sometimes easy to mistake someone with BPD) If your partner is BPD they will ostensibly ( though maybe not apparently ) forget about you in a few weeks so dont worry about it

[DangIthurts]

If your partner is BPD they will ostensibly ( though maybe not apparently )

forget about you in a few weeks so dont worry about it

I don't think that. I think its like a cat with a ball of string pure focus on the goals ahead which are to fulfill the void and find someone perfect. Enviably though you are a memory just like they'd speak of prior ex's etc. as written off as some of us are, I think most people at least here tried to do right and I'm sure that has an impact in some regard.