What are BPD and his family afraid of?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

A summary of the situation if I can.

BPD/STPD ex has been complaining that I'm not letting him see his baby son, which is a lie. I refused that he shows unexpected and takes baby away without my consent while refusing to give me his new address.

Whatever.

After another scandal last Sunday when he tried to prevent me from escaping by car etc, I contacted my lawyer urgently. I have an appointment this Thursday but she said "she would make proposals" while waiting for the court order.

I told BPD this on Thursday, he answered "Give me her phone number, I'll ask her if I can see baby this week-end" (!)

I didn't answer of course.

He doesn't live here anymore, but his name is on the lease. He showed up with his parents who are rude to me, accused me of harassing him, said they'd read ALL OUR CORRESPONDANCE and that I kept "accusing" him of being mentally ill.

I told them to leave my house, they refused, saying "that's their son's house" (He has another appartment!).

This week end, baby had to go to hospital to see a doctor urgently. I decided to inform BPD of this, saying I didn't want him to show up with his dad. He did, of course... .

We agreed that he'd sleep at home to look after baby while I could rest a bit. Baby had cried for nights on and I was exhausted.

The next day, his sisters showed up uninvited! They live 1,5h drive from here.

I tried to tell them to go, they refused. Again, everything was my fault, and he's not ill. They stayed for about 1 hour.

One of his sisters even said to me "WE have rights. What custody will WE get?" I answered "You're not the father. Please go away."

What the heck? They're trying to put pressure on me before court, am I right?

[Indyan]

A summary of the situation if I can.

BPD/STPD ex has been complaining that I'm not letting him see his baby son, which is a lie. I refused that he shows unexpected and takes baby away without my consent while refusing to give me his new address.

Whatever.

After another scandal last Sunday when he tried to prevent me from escaping by car etc, I contacted my lawyer urgently. I have an appointment this Thursday but she said "she would make proposals" while waiting for the court order.

I told BPD this on Thursday, he answered "Give me her phone number, I'll ask her if I can see baby this week-end" (!)

I didn't answer of course.

He doesn't live here anymore, but his name is on the lease. He showed up with his parents who are rude to me, accused me of harassing him, said they'd read ALL OUR CORRESPONDANCE and that I kept "accusing" him of being mentally ill.

I told them to leave my house, they refused, saying "that's their son's house" (He has another appartment!).

This week end, baby had to go to hospital to see a doctor urgently. I decided to inform BPD of this, saying I didn't want him to show up with his dad. He did, of course... .

We agreed that he'd sleep at home to look after baby while I could rest a bit. Baby had cried for nights on and I was exhausted.

The next day, his sisters showed up uninvited! They live 1,5h drive from here.

I tried to tell them to go, they refused. Again, everything was my fault, and he's not ill. They stayed for about 1 hour.

One of his sisters even said to me "WE have rights. What custody will WE get?" I answered "You're not the father. Please go away."

What the heck? They're trying to put pressure on me before court, am I right?

[livednlearned]

Your ex and his family aren't afraid of you -- you're very easy for them to manipulate, so they do.

Indyan, being in a relationship with someone who is BPD is a serious wake-up call. Many of us had terrible boundaries. It makes us easy marks for people who have no regard for boundaries.

You do not need to tell your ex that you are taking your son to the doctor. Tell him after the appointment when you have information to share.

Find out what you have to do to get him off the lease. His parents cannot come in your house unless you let them -- if they aren't people who will leave when you ask, then they lose the privilege of coming into your home.

You have to stop being the doormat and start becoming the door. No one comes in unless you let them.

Whenever someone with no boundaries starts to enforce them, people who have no regard for boundaries begin to press harder. And harder. Going to court for custody is a big deal, whether you're dealing with someone who is BPD or not. It can rattle anyone, much less someone who has a hard time regulating feelings. Things will being to settle down once two things happen: You have a custody order in place and you learn to set and enforce boundaries.

Great that you have a therapist. That will go a long way.

[Indyan]

Hi and thanks for this,

you are very right here.

I called him regarding baby because it was an emergency, and because the hospital was supposedly next to new BPD's appartment (but he wasn't in there yet).

Indeed these people have no respect whatsoever for my boundaries. But I believe they drove all this way for a reason still and I can't figure it out. Either to put pressure on me, or to gather information on what I intend to do, something of that order.

I'm sick of that.

[livednlearned]

Hi and thanks for this,

you are very right here.

I called him regarding baby because it was an emergency, and because the hospital was supposedly next to new BPD's appartment (but he wasn't in there yet).

Indeed these people have no respect whatsoever for my boundaries. But I believe they drove all this way for a reason still and I can't figure it out. Either to put pressure on me, or to gather information on what I intend to do, something of that order.

I'm sick of that.

Hold your cards close! Don't let them know anything. Don't let them in the house. Don't talk to them about the custody situation at all. Wait until after the dust has settled when you have some therapy under your belt and a custody order in place.

[Indyan]

Hold your cards close! Don't let them know anything. Don't let them in the house. Don't talk to them about the custody situation at all. Wait until after the dust has settled when you have some therapy under your belt and a custody order in place.

I did. I managed to not let them know of any of my intentions.

But they pushed the door in, and I couldn't get rid of them 

[Grey Kitty]

But they pushed the door in, and I couldn't get rid of them 

They have proven what they will do. Don't even open the door a crack for them next time.

Actually I wouldn't even talk to his family now.

[Indyan]

They have proven what they will do. Don't even open the door a crack for them next time.

Actually I wouldn't even talk to his family now.

I don't want them in, and I refuse to talk to them.

But HE was here, and they entered with no warning claiming that "it's his house".

Legally, can we really enter someone's house if the other people who live here don't agree?

There's no veto here?

[Panda39]

Change your locks, talk to the landlord about removing the ex from the lease, don't let them in, if they barge in or harass you call the police and if need be get a protection order on these people. 

Boundaries 

(Another thought is moving a possibility for you?)

[Grey Kitty]

Talk to your lawyer about filing some sort of restraining order / protection order to keep his family away from you.

And get your ex off the lease. Tell the landlord that you don't feel safe and need to do it immediately.

[Indyan]

Change your locks, talk to the landlord about removing the ex from the lease, don't let them in, if they barge in or harass you call the police and if need be get a protection order on these people. 

Boundaries 

(Another thought is moving a possibility for you?)

I'm trying all this!

The locks: I need to ask my L if I'm legally entitled to this

The lease: I can't change it as I don't have a job yet (I was on maternity leave when BPD chose to blow a fuse).

The police: He would say that it's his house legally (he's on the lease)

A new house: I'm trying, I've applied for social estate, but it takes time... .

[livednlearned]

Knowing that you can't change your ex, and knowing you can only change your behavior, what can you do differently to make sure that the family never ends up in your home again? What will you do to prevent this incident from happening again?

[Indyan]

Knowing that you can't change your ex, and knowing you can only change your behavior, what can you do differently to make sure that the family never ends up in your home again? What will you do to prevent this incident from happening again?

Apart from crossing my fingers and wishing to get a new job and/or a new house... .no idea... .

[Grey Kitty]

Knowing that you can't change your ex, and knowing you can only change your behavior, what can you do differently to make sure that the family never ends up in your home again? What will you do to prevent this incident from happening again?

Apart from crossing my fingers and wishing to get a new job and/or a new house... .no idea... .

If all you think you can do is wish or hope, perhaps you aren't looking at your situation quite clearly. Nearly everybody has options for taking action. Your choices may be difficult and unpleasant, but they are still your choices, and if you don't make your own choice, somebody else will make it for you.

Do you have confirmation from your lawyer that you have no better options for child support than what you currently have?

[ogopogodude]

Knowing that you can't change your ex, and knowing you can only change your behavior, what can you do differently to make sure that the family never ends up in your home again? What will you do to prevent this incident from happening again?

   It has been awhile since I have been to these forums but the above member has helped me so very much thru some episodes similar to what you are experiencing.  What I found helped was the investment of five bucks from a dollar store.  Go and buy a fake video camera that you can mount above your front door.

   If there is ONE thing that nobody likes to be is videotaped when they know they are up to shenanigans.  Or if you can afford it, ... .buy a real one.  Whatever the case,  do not ever let your in-laws into your house but instead step outside and say to them this: "just so that there will be no misunderstanding, I want every thing to be video-recorded,  so,  please stand a little this way and look up briefly so the cam can see all of our faces, ... .okay?".  Then you yourself wave at the camera above the door, ... .

Trust me, ... you will see your crazy in-laws literally run back to their car never to be seen again. Try it.  It worked for me. (Then I upgraded to a real camera as the fake one just bought me time to do my research on a good one to buy)

[Indyan]

If all you think you can do is wish or hope, perhaps you aren't looking at your situation quite clearly. Nearly everybody has options for taking action. Your choices may be difficult and unpleasant, but they are still your choices, and if you don't make your own choice, somebody else will make it for you.

Do you have confirmation from your lawyer that you have no better options for child support than what you currently have?

I'm just feeling drained from all my energy. I've done so much, now I just need to wait and see if something grows from all the seeds I've planted. Apart from what I can do with my lawyer, of course.

For the rest, it's up to the employers I had interviews with and the council to grant me a new house or not.

[ForeverDad]

If he's got the lease and you're not on it, it would be simpler to move to a place that would be yours and fully under your control.  Of course if you move out then he will be stuck paying for his leased house since it is his lease.  I wonder if the prospect of him having to pay for it once you're gone would be incentive or leverage for him to relinquish his rights to the lease now and then you can make your own lease without even having to move?

Once he's no longer got any ties to the house - or you find your own - then you're solidly in control, well, for that aspect at least.

[livednlearned]

If he's got the lease and you're not on it, it would be simpler to move to a place that would be yours and fully under your control.  Of course if you move out then he will be stuck paying for his leased house since it is his lease.  I wonder if the prospect of him having to pay for it once you're gone would be incentive or leverage for him to relinquish his rights to the lease now and then you can make your own lease without even having to move?

Once he's no longer got any ties to the house - or you find your own - then you're solidly in control, well, for that aspect at least.

Unless you have to show income when signing a new lease -- when I moved out, I had to show that my income was 3x what I would pay in monthly rent.

[Indyan]

If he's got the lease and you're not on it, it would be simpler to move to a place that would be yours and fully under your control.  Of course if you move out then he will be stuck paying for his leased house since it is his lease.  I wonder if the prospect of him having to pay for it once you're gone would be incentive or leverage for him to relinquish his rights to the lease now and then you can make your own lease without even having to move?

Once he's no longer got any ties to the house - or you find your own - then you're solidly in control, well, for that aspect at least.

We're both on the lease but the main problem is that his dad is the guarantor.  

[Indyan]

Unless you have to show income when signing a new lease -- when I moved out, I had to show that my income was 3x what I would pay in monthly rent.

Precisely, that's were his motives show to be really devious.

He kept saying (and his family too) "sign a new lease under your name only", when HE KNOWS I can't do that.

He's the one with a job while I stopped working to take care of our baby (he used to be unemployed when I was working and pregnant, how ironical), I can't show sufficient income for the letting agency to agree on a new lease.

And I don't have a guarantor, when HIS DAD is there for him no matter what.

[Grey Kitty]

Precisely, that's were his motives show to be really devious.

He kept saying (and his family too) "sign a new lease under your name only", when HE KNOWS I can't do that.

He's the one with a job while I stopped working to take care of our baby (he used to be unemployed when I was working and pregnant, how ironical), I can't show sufficient income for the letting agency to agree on a new lease.

And I don't have a guarantor, when HIS DAD is there for him no matter what.

A court order for him to pay you support is income for you. It will help you get a lease.

[Indyan]

A court order for him to pay you support is income for you. It will help you get a lease.

Nope, I need a permanent contract job x3 rent to sign a new lease.

[ForeverDad]

Have you sought to get residential possession of the apartment for the duration of the lease?  It might be possible if you can get a restraining/protection order, but I don't know if your courts will act on general fearfulness or anxiety.  A consultation with family law attorneys or solicitors could answer whether that is possible or even by accessing the resources of the local DV shelter.