I think I realize when it really changed

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Looking back I remember the first time she was actually venomous. It was around the same time it turned out she found my replacement. I was taking her to see her family 200 miles away in her car. I stopped to top off the tank. When I was done I got back in the car and she decided she wanted to go in and get a coke or something. So while she went in I changed the radio station because she listened to that crappie easy listening pop. So I put it on a metal channel. She gets in and before we're out of the parking lot she changed the channel. I called her on it and with more hatred then I've ever seen she tells me her car!  Her radio!  Well to make a long story short her car, her radio and herself got to go alone.'i went back home and enjoyed a nice weekend.

[peiper]

Looking back I remember the first time she was actually venomous. It was around the same time it turned out she found my replacement. I was taking her to see her family 200 miles away in her car. I stopped to top off the tank. When I was done I got back in the car and she decided she wanted to go in and get a coke or something. So while she went in I changed the radio station because she listened to that crappie easy listening pop. So I put it on a metal channel. She gets in and before we're out of the parking lot she changed the channel. I called her on it and with more hatred then I've ever seen she tells me her car!  Her radio!  Well to make a long story short her car, her radio and herself got to go alone.'i went back home and enjoyed a nice weekend.

[DangIthurts]

Personally I feel like everyone gets it that first time they realize you're not perfect. Then the honeymoon is over and if its like me I was in a 2month rut and I just kept hoping staying showing I wouldn't run would get it back to how it was. The point is it would never get back to that honeymoon phase. So in the end I think we are all just one slip up away from destruction, the length of the relationship after is purely dedication and how much one can put up with.

[peiper]

That was me. I stuck around way to long and through way to much abuse always hoping it would go back to the happy times. Every once in awhile it did for a couple of hours. I think that was just to keep me around hoping.

[Blimblam]

Looking back I remember the first time she was actually venomous. It was around the same time it turned out she found my replacement. I was taking her to see her family 200 miles away in her car. I stopped to top off the tank. When I was done I got back in the car and she decided she wanted to go in and get a coke or something. So while she went in I changed the radio station because she listened to that crappie easy listening pop. So I put it on a metal channel. She gets in and before we're out of the parking lot she changed the channel. I called her on it and with more hatred then I've ever seen she tells me her car!  Her radio!  Well to make a long story short her car, her radio and herself got to go alone.'i went back home and enjoyed a nice weekend.

Yeah that probably really triggered her abandonment fears. Her knowing she had backups gave her the security for her inner impulsive child mode to rebel against you as the critical parental figure. This is probably the point which this became obvious but their were probably resentments she held against you prior to this point that had been building up under the surface. You probably began to get to a level of intimacy that triggered her abandonment and engulfment fears just at that time she may have felt helpless and repressed it to keep her image as the perfect attachment stable in your mind. Then she may have begun to take a mental checklist of all the ways you are not perfect.

[peiper]

Looking back I remember the first time she was actually venomous. It was around the same time it turned out she found my replacement. I was taking her to see her family 200 miles away in her car. I stopped to top off the tank. When I was done I got back in the car and she decided she wanted to go in and get a coke or something. So while she went in I changed the radio station because she listened to that crappie easy listening pop. So I put it on a metal channel. She gets in and before we're out of the parking lot she changed the channel. I called her on it and with more hatred then I've ever seen she tells me her car!  Her radio!  Well to make a long story short her car, her radio and herself got to go alone.'i went back home and enjoyed a nice weekend.

Yeah that probably really triggered her abandonment fears. Her knowing she had backups gave her the security for her inner impulsive child mode to rebel against you as the critical parental figure. This is probably the point which this became obvious but their were probably resentments she held against you prior to this point that had been building up under the surface. You probably began to get to a level of intimacy that triggered her abandonment and engulfment fears just at that time she may have felt helpless and repressed it to keep her image as the perfect attachment stable in your mind. Then she may have begun to take a mental checklist of all the ways you are not perfect.

I'm far from perfect Blim and never have put on airs as being so. I did think of her as perfect, at least for the first few months. Then the ugly inside started coming out.

[Blimblam]

Well their is a stage where the idealization begins to fade and durring this time they take notes of all our faults or the ways they percieve we have failed them which is just basically becUse we are not perfect and no one is. That's the thing it isn't personal although the way we are attached to them and the actions they take make it feel personal.  A big part of it for my healing has been de personalizing it. Understanding the disorder has been a huge part of it for me to understand the internal conflict that goes on in the psyche of a pwBPD.

[neverloveagain]

they take notes of all our faults or the ways they percieve we have failed them

thats an interesting thought could probably have its own thread. Any one here find there BPDs black book or diary of thoughts.  

[peiper]

I suppose I'm too naive. I take people at their word until it's proven that it's no good. On top of that, man after the first couple of weeks she had me so sucked into believing that she was perfect. Didn't lie , had been on the bad end of a marriage and would never cheat.

[peiper]

they take notes of all our faults or the ways they percieve we have failed them

thats an interesting thought could probably have its own thread. Any one here find there BPDs black book or diary of thoughts.  

I did actually. What little I read was about how she was hoping her last husband would change.

[Blimblam]

Well it took a lot of reflection and reading to understand the disorder. The most useful book probably being the search for the real self by masterson. I also read through all the articles on this site and elsewhere on line and a few other psychology books.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

they take notes of all our faults or the ways they percieve we have failed them

thats an interesting thought could probably have its own thread. Any one here find there BPDs black book or diary of thoughts.  

Not personally but i can only imagine it a similar read to Hitlers Mein Kampf.   

[peiper]

Well it took a lot of reflection and reading to understand the disorder. The most useful book probably being the search for the real self by masterson. I also read through all the articles on this site and elsewhere on line and a few other psychology books.

I've done some reflection and came to a very startling conclusion. I always had my father pegged as the problem in my parents marriage. But after thinking back at things I believe my mother was BPD and my father NPD.They were always fighting and threatening to divorce. And that gave me a career as a child of fixing. Which I think set me up for the BPD

[neverloveagain]

My exBPDgf book was very eye opening its like the days we spent together were re written and full of lies about how the day had transpired only got to see a couple of pages should of left there and then.

[peiper]

My exBPDgf book was very eye opening its like the days we spent together were re written and full of lies about how the day had transpired only got to see a couple of pages should of left there and then.

I'm glad you brought this up. I'd forgotten about that. It shows how deep down inside she has always seen herself as the victim,  when actually she's the abuser.

[Blimblam]

Well it took a lot of reflection and reading to understand the disorder. The most useful book probably being the search for the real self by masterson. I also read through all the articles on this site and elsewhere on line and a few other psychology books.

I've done some reflection and came to a very startling conclusion. I always had my father pegged as the problem in my parents marriage. But after thinking back at things I believe my mother was BPD and my father NPD.They were always fighting and threatening to divorce. And that gave me a career as a child of fixing. Which I think set me up for the BPD

Yeah my mom has BPD and my step mom was more of a boss than a mom.  My dad was loving but distant and didn't really understand me that much.

Reading psychology books can really help to understand the inner workings of the interaction. I suggest starting with the article in the learning center the three faces of victim.  Then somewhere on the site is an article Caredverymuch posted about the schema modes involved. Then reading the search for the real self can tie it all together into a solid understanding of BPD and npd.  Definately do some research into shadow projection and the concept of the shadow by Jung.  The book man and his symbols is a good one. Then the book the games people play can break down a lot of the dysfunctional interactions that occurred.  The book the betrayel bond can help understand why we get so attached. The book why do I do that can help to understand defense mechanisms. 

[peiper]

The biggest thing that has gotten back more to normal is meeting that pretty little lady. Unlike the BPDexw she has a great mind very cute and doesn't mirror me on my thoughts which the ex did when she realized I have my own mind. In hindsight the ex BPD relationship was all based on my ego and her need. After all that time with the ex it's refreshing to talk to a healthy smart woman.

[neverloveagain]

my ego and her need.

That equals 'love' to BPDs and codependant people alike. Me being codependant keep the fires burning with my BPDexgf for ten years before she droped the atom bomb.

[Deeno02]

my ego and her need.

That equals 'love' to BPDs and codependant people alike. Me being codependant keep the fires burning with my BPDexgf for ten years before she droped the atom bomb.

I should have bailed, but MY fear of being 49/50 years old and alone, and here this pretty woman pursued me led me down this path of ignoring the flags, trying so much harder than I already did to stay in play, broke me. Now Im 51, alone and crushed, slowly getting better, but jesus, never again... .Now, if I could just get her and the other dude out of my head, life would be great... .

[peiper]

my ego and her need.

That equals 'love' to BPDs and codependant people alike. Me being codependant keep the fires burning with my BPDexgf for ten years before she droped the atom bomb.

I should have bailed, but MY fear of being 49/50 years old and alone, and here this pretty woman pursued me led me down this path of ignoring the flags, trying so much harder than I already did to stay in play, broke me. Now Im 51, alone and crushed, slowly getting better, but jesus, never again... .Now, if I could just get her and the other dude out of my head, life would be great... .

The other guy is going to end up in the same spot you are bud. Be grateful your out of the crazymaking

[Deeno02]

my ego and her need.

That equals 'love' to BPDs and codependant people alike. Me being codependant keep the fires burning with my BPDexgf for ten years before she droped the atom bomb.

I should have bailed, but MY fear of being 49/50 years old and alone, and here this pretty woman pursued me led me down this path of ignoring the flags, trying so much harder than I already did to stay in play, broke me. Now Im 51, alone and crushed, slowly getting better, but jesus, never again... .Now, if I could just get her and the other dude out of my head, life would be great... .

The other guy is going to end up in the same spot you are bud. Be grateful your out of the crazymaking

I am, for the most part. Im just pissed and hurt still. Getting there, but damn it, I need to get a grip on the co dependancy crap.

[neverloveagain]

Hey deeno i was scared of being alone too was single for 8 years before meeting my exBPDgf,my codependancy problems led me straight to her and i guess we both knew each other was a bit 'off' but yea mine made me feel like a god seriously. Now im back at the begining again but yes we need to look at ourselves too. Bpd might help you understand something you need to fix within yourself. So in one respect its helped you out, thats how i look at it for me ive learnt a lot from my ex yes at a price but now i can self heal and fix my issues before moving forward. Take care.

[peiper]

my ego and her need.

That equals 'love' to BPDs and codependant people alike. Me being codependant keep the fires burning with my BPDexgf for ten years before she droped the atom bomb.

I should have bailed, but MY fear of being 49/50 years old and alone, and here this pretty woman pursued me led me down this path of ignoring the flags, trying so much harder than I already did to stay in play, broke me. Now Im 51, alone and crushed, slowly getting better, but jesus, never again... .Now, if I could just get her and the other dude out of my head, life would be great... .

The other guy is going to end up in the same spot you are bud. Be grateful your out of the crazymaking

I am, for the most part. Im just pissed and hurt still. Getting there, but damn it, I need to get a grip on the co dependancy crap.

I hear you there. About the only person I'm pissed at now is me. The codepent crap is over because I'm not going to tolerate it. The hurt is still there at times, when it does come into my mind I try to think logically instead of emotionally and remember all the pain.