Self harm? I've been blind...

[Mie]

My uBPD partner had a bleeding knuckle. He was busy with something so I thought it's a normal scratch. Later I looked at it and said: I saw you had a little accident, but it seems to be healing well. He stared at me, lifted his fist, and said: THIS is not an accident! I asked what he meant, and he said: I was so angry.

This gave me the creeps.

It may sound like a small thing, but I started to think about similar incidents. There have been some before and recently. (He has a major dysregulation period going on). One day he had a bruise in his head, and when he said he banged his head to the wall I thought he was joking and laughed. He never wants take care of these injuries or wounds, he even lets them inflame! (he does not listen to me or let me help). I've been thinking it's some sort of macho behavior. On the other hand when he has an accident  playing football he wants to specialist immediately.

When building a house (stressed, dysregulating... .) he had an accident: a board fell on his foot. There was a small open wound but the foot was terribly swollen and he was in pain, and I'm sure there was a fracture. He refused to go to the doctor. He was lying in bed watching TV, insisting that I bring him alcohol, which I rerused. He was angry because it happened TO HIM of all people, and everything was against him... .It came to my mind that this accident was partly or at least subconcsiously on purpose, and I felt bad about such a sick thought.

Also, he had something very strange coming back from India: like a crater in his leg, inflamed. He said it was a bug bite. It probably was, but untreated (intentionally?) went really bad.

Am I paranoid now?

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[sweetheart]

No Mie your not paranoid. There is a high incidence of self injurious behaviour in people who display or have been diagnosed with BPD.

My dBPDh has a past history of awful self-harm from cutting. This has stopped apart from twice in the 9 years we have been together. However what I have noticed is that he doesn't take good care of himself physically, he also will pick and scratch at innocent spots and bumps on his body to the point where he will end up with scars. He gouged a spot on the top of his thigh for months and now he has a really ugly permanent scar there. He also self harms through overdosing as well as it being suicide attempts. He used to punch and hit himself in the face and head when his angry behaviour was escalating to all out dysregulation. He too bangs his head against walls when angry and frustrated. :'(

His behaviour has stabilised overall this last six months, but there is always 'something' that he has done to himself. I don't really do or say anything anymore it's been going on all our relationship. The only time I've actively intervened was to call police and/or paramedics when his behaviour has put him at risk.

It's horrible and sad though isn't it, the thought of someone you love feeling so bad that they physically harm themselves. It can be however a big part of this illness.