Chasing Love

[vortex of confusion]

I have been thinking about this for a while but wasn't quite sure how to approach it.

Two thoughts that I have had on this topic are:

I crave connection while feeling disconnected.

I crave connection but feel disconnected. I feel like I have lost touch with what real connection even looks like. When I was in graduate school, I had friends, I did stuff, and I felt like I had a pretty good connection with a variety of people. I have never had a lot of friends and have had more of a tendency to be a loner. I only need one or two really good friends rather than a bunch of superficial friendships. Lately, I don't feel like I have any friends or any real connections. The one friend that I had that I talked to a lot has gotten too busy with her life and seems to rarely have time to talk to me. It seems like everyone that I reach out to is busy or has some reason why they are not available to me.

That leads me to my next thought.

I think that I have programmed myself to think that I have to chase love because nobody is going to give it to me freely because I am not worthy.

I have been thinking about my behavior patterns through out the years. One of the things that I have noticed is that I feel like I have to chase love because I am no longer worthy of it. I had two serious relationships before I met my husband. I don't feel like I had to chase anything in those relationships. I felt like they were more or less equal. I wasn't perfect in those relationships but I certainly didn't feel like I had to jump through hoops to get attention. I have also been thinking about other relationships that I have had with other people over the years. I don't recall ever having to jump through hoops to get attention. I had a few friends and we would call each other and do stuff together. It was pretty give and take from what I can remember. I am trying to think about when all of that changed. Sometime during my relationship with my husband, all of that seemed to change. At some point, I noticed that I was losing friends, at least they weren't contacting me. And, I notice that at some point, I started doing more and more in the relationship that I have with my husband. I look around and I see the same pattern with other people as well. My one friend rarely calls or contacts me unless she needs something. My mother and siblings rarely contact me unless they need something. My mother in law doesn't contact me at all. Every last one of them seem to have the same story: "I didn't want to bother you. I don't remember when you work. I didn't want to wake up the kids." It is all about how they are so afraid to bother me. Am I mean and scary? I tell them all to call me whenever they want. My best friend and I can both get busy and we used to send each other texts like "Can I call" or "Are you busy". Those have stopped and when I have sent her texts to see if she is available, she isn't available much these days.

Anyway, all of this adds up to me feeling like I am not worthy. All of this adds up to me feeling like I have to chase love because nobody wants to give it to me freely. I vividly remember the days when I dated a specific guy in college. I never ever had to beg him for attention. He would call or stop by whenever he had a chance. We both found ways to work each other into our schedules. Now, I feel like I am broken and do not deserve love. I have spent 16.5 years trying to get my husband to love me, give me attention, plug into the relationship, or something. My husband pushed for us to have an open relationship. I found a lover and he doesn't have time for me either. I am the one that sends him messages. I am the one that suggests that we get together. I feel like I am the one that initiates everything with my husband, my lover, my friends, and my family. I am afraid that if I don't initiate things that I will be forgotten because I am not worth their time or energy.

I feel like I am chasing love when the reality is that the only person's love that I need is my own. Why can't I love myself enough to stop seeking it from other people?

[Pingo]

Vortex, I feel ya'.  I don't think I chase love.  I just expect it to not last.  I guess I also believe that I'm unworthy.  I have a lot of evidence to say this is true.  It's hard to convince myself otherwise.  I've had two failed marriages (and other r/ss that ended badly), lost my best friend of 19 yrs this year because she was so judgemental and I called her on it which was a big no-no apparently.  I am estranged from my family, my 3 siblings haven't made any effort to have a r/s with me my entire adult life.  I'm VLC with my mom and LC with my dad. 

I have been doing all this inner child work and realise that in the end the only one we can depend on is ourselves.  So how do we give ourselves enough love and validation that we don't go seek cheap thrills with sick people?  That is the journey I'm on.  I've had some really low points this year realising the losses I've experienced in my life.  It has all come to a head.  I think admitting I'm alone and feeling the pain of this was the first step.  Realising the truth about my parents, that I'll never get what I needed from them has also been a hard truth to swallow.  But I've always been a stubborn woman.  I have some fight in me.  So I am not going to lay down and give up. 

Like you, I have kids.  I have a D20 and a S10.  When I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I need, I imagine me being one of my kids.  I find this is helpful in getting in touch with that little girl in me.  I think I'm a pretty good Mom.  Why can't I give myself the love I give them?  Try imagining yourself as one of your daughters and ask yourself how you would treat her to make her feel loved and validated?

[vortex of confusion]

Vortex, I feel ya'.  I don't think I chase love.  I just expect it to not last.  I guess I also believe that I'm unworthy.  I have a lot of evidence to say this is true.  It's hard to convince myself otherwise.  I've had two failed marriages (and other r/ss that ended badly), lost my best friend of 19 yrs this year because she was so judgemental and I called her on it which was a big no-no apparently.  I am estranged from my family, my 3 siblings haven't made any effort to have a r/s with me my entire adult life.  I'm VLC with my mom and LC with my dad. 

Wow, that sounds very similar to my own story. I think I am at a point where I am no longer chasing love but I have recognized that part of the reason that I allowed my family of origin and husband to treat me crappy is because I wanted them to love me. Or, more precisely, I wanted to feel like I mattered to them. Yes, I matter but only in terms of what I can do for them. My dad rarely talks to me. He never calls. He will talk to me IF I call him or happen to see him. I still talk to my mother pretty regularly but I have to have pretty firm boundaries in place and be willing to tell her to shut up. I don't talk to my brother much any more because he had it out with my parents again. We are afraid to talk too much because I know how punitive my mother and other family members can be. My oldest sister and I have been no contact for about a year. I saw her and spoke to her at the hospital when visiting my grandmother. She is so full of hatred and meanness. I hope I don't ever have to see or talk to her again. I am limited contact with my other sister because she tends to be pretty unstable. Her diagnosis seems to change all of the time. When she has a breakdown, she is impossible to deal with and it is almost impossible to know when she is going to have a breakdown.

I have been doing all this inner child work and realise that in the end the only one we can depend on is ourselves.  So how do we give ourselves enough love and validation that we don't go seek cheap thrills with sick people?  That is the journey I'm on.  I've had some really low points this year realising the losses I've experienced in my life.  It has all come to a head.  I think admitting I'm alone and feeling the pain of this was the first step.  Realising the truth about my parents, that I'll never get what I needed from them has also been a hard truth to swallow.  But I've always been a stubborn woman.  I have some fight in me.  So I am not going to lay down and give up. 

I think I could have written this! I feel like the only people that want anything to do with me are sick people and even then I have to work for it. I don't feel like anybody will freely give me anything. I have to bust my butt for what little breadcrumbs I get and then I feel stupid and pathetic for even wanting those bread crumbs. Like you, I am very stubborn and very determined. I keep telling myself that I am going to get through this and I am going to figure it out. I don't quite know how yet, but I know that I will. I know I can be kind of slow sometimes but I am not going to let it get me down.

Like you, I have kids.  I have a D20 and a S10.  When I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what I need, I imagine me being one of my kids.  I find this is helpful in getting in touch with that little girl in me.  I think I'm a pretty good Mom.  Why can't I give myself the love I give them?  Try imagining yourself as one of your daughters and ask yourself how you would treat her to make her feel loved and validated?

Wow, I remember telling that to someone on a parenting forum one time. Why is it that I can tell those things to other people but can't seem to do them for myself? I think I am a decent mom for the most part. My kids quite frequently tell me how awesome I am. I feel crappy because there are times when I will ask them why they think that. It feels really good to have them say such great things about me. I sometimes have a hard time believing them. I don't let them see my struggles most of the time. My oldest daughter has used my own psychology against me a time or two. I will never forget the day that something was bothering me and she asked about it. I tried to talk to her and let her know that I am her mom and that I am supposed to take care of her and not the other way around. She told me, "Mom, don't you always tell me that I should share my feelings and let them out and that it isn't good to keep stuff bottled up?" My daughters are amazing human beings!

[KeepOnGoing]

Wow, ladies. Thanks for sharing.

I don't have kids, but can relate to the chasing love piece. I have recently discovered that I am a love addict. I chase unavailable people because I'm unconsciously reenacting old childhood trama repetition of trying to get love that I really never, fully got - apparently. I'm trying to wrap my brain around this. I get it intellectually, but not emotionally, or even spiritually.

When my BPD friend split me and painted me black, I think the thoughts that chimed in were, "See, I'm not lovable. I'm not good enough. I really do suck, and I hate God for doing this to me." That's a really hard place to be emotionally, especially when my spiritual life depends on God.

I am doing a lot of work with a really good therapist who says the key is the inner child healing work. The parenting of self. I'm so sick of hearing this BS, I really am. I wish I could learn how to do this successfully.

I read a lot on this site that meditation and coming back to self is pretty important. Let's hope we can accomplish that. I'm with you in the struggle. I'm finding that posting on a love addiction site has helped me greatly.

Hang in there.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I can relate to chasing love and feeling unworthy, and losing friends, although the truth is, I don't trust anything anymore and I'm done with relationships until I get myself together. I don't want to end up in a mess like this again.

Even if you want to be selfless, being soft and gentle and loving with yourself makes you a better parent and friend and lover. It causes you to be more emotionally available to everyone in your life, and to take things less personally and be more lighthearted. It's hard for me too, but I'm just saying, you can justify it any way you want. The end result is the same. The truth is, most of us need a second childhood, give yourself that second childhood, you deserve it.

[Deeno02]

Yep. Directly out of the mouth of my ex gf. Your incapable of love, unloveable, emotionless, whatever. I'm me. I do have an immense capability to love and I do. Just trying to find it again. That's the hard part of it. Therapy has helped, but I still feel so damn worthless and unattractive to anyone. Still attract what I don't want, but got better at not engaging. So the chasing love thing has had the breaks put on for awhile. I have to love me again

[Pingo]

I liked this poem Brazil posted in another thread.  It reminded me of this post. 

Butterflies


by Mário Quintana, the Poet of "simple things"... .

"Over time, you will realize that to be happy with someone else you need in the first place, may not need that person.

You will notice too that the person that you think that loves (or loved) you and don't want anything with you, definitely its not the man or woman in your life.

You learn to like you, take care of you, especially to like who likes you.

The secret is not to run behind butterflies, is taking care of the garden so that they come to you.

In the end, you will find, not who you were looking for, but who was looking for you. ”

Mario Quintana

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M%C3%A1rio_Quintana

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238939.0

I really like the line The secret is not to run behind butterflies, is taking care of the garden so that they come to you.  We don't need to chase anything, we need to become the best us we can be and love will come to us.  That's how I take that at least.

[vortex of confusion]

Yep. Directly out of the mouth of my ex gf. Your incapable of love, unloveable, emotionless, whatever. I'm me. I do have an immense capability to love and I do. Just trying to find it again. That's the hard part of it. Therapy has helped, but I still feel so damn worthless and unattractive to anyone. Still attract what I don't want, but got better at not engaging. So the chasing love thing has had the breaks put on for awhile. I have to love me again

Thanks for all of the responses!

Deeno, I can so relate to those feelings of worthlessness. I really like your reminder "I have to love me again." I think I need to plaster that on the wall somewhere.

I had an interesting experience recently. My mom graduated from college recently. My girls and I went and watched her graduate and it was a really great experience. It was odd/interesting because people keep talking about healing childhood wounds. While I was with my parents, I felt very capable and very loved. I was a smart a$$ with my parents and my kids. I got nervous a few times because I was afraid of screwing up but my dad shrugged it off. When one of the kids was grumpy and didn't want to order food at lunch, my parents didn't say a word. There were no snide remarks from my parents to me or the kids. It was so unbelievably nice. Sure, my parents can be buttheads but I don't think the source of my chasing love has anything to do with my parents or my childhood. As a kid, I didn't chase love or affection. I was me. I did my thing and let the pieces fall where they may.

One of the guys that I was engaged to when I was in college wanted to play games with me. I called the cops on him and had him banned from my college campus. Didn't phase me one bit. At one point, he tried to tell me that it is a cold cruel world out there. I have very vivid memories of looking him straight in the eyes and telling him, "The world that I live in is rather warms."

This whole BS about chasing love from friends or my husband started AFTER I married my husband. It started AFTER being rejected in a million tiny ways by the one person that I chose to be with. I chose my husband. I loved him. No, it wasn't fireworks or some overly romantic thing. It felt (to me) very practical and very real. As time went on, I was rejected more and more and more by him. I felt like I had to jump through hoops to get his attention and even then, that wasn't enough. In looking back, I can kind of see where things started to change for me. Somewhere in there, I was programmed to believe that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for my husband or anybody else in this world. I think those feelings of not being enough stem directly from my husband being jealous of me and doing little things to undermine me so that he could feel better about himself. I feel like my husband has brainwashed me to think that I am a worthless piece of crap and the only way to get anybody's attention is to fall all over myself to do whatever it is they may want or need.

I used to be really good at tending to myself and taking care of myself. I am a very strong and independent person but that has all become overshadowed by all of the little things that my husband has done for the past 16.5 years that have sent me the message: "You are not worthy!"

I don't feel like I need to heal my inner child. I feel like I need to get back in touch with my inner adult. I was way more capable and independent as a child than I have been allowed to be in my marriage. I had more freedom and more choice as a child than I do as an adult.

[Deeno02]

Yep. Directly out of the mouth of my ex gf. Your incapable of love, unloveable, emotionless, whatever. I'm me. I do have an immense capability to love and I do. Just trying to find it again. That's the hard part of it. Therapy has helped, but I still feel so damn worthless and unattractive to anyone. Still attract what I don't want, but got better at not engaging. So the chasing love thing has had the breaks put on for awhile. I have to love me again

Thanks for all of the responses!

Deeno, I can so relate to those feelings of worthlessness. I really like your reminder "I have to love me again." I think I need to plaster that on the wall somewhere.

I had an interesting experience recently. My mom graduated from college recently. My girls and I went and watched her graduate and it was a really great experience. It was odd/interesting because people keep talking about healing childhood wounds. While I was with my parents, I felt very capable and very loved. I was a smart a$$ with my parents and my kids. I got nervous a few times because I was afraid of screwing up but my dad shrugged it off. When one of the kids was grumpy and didn't want to order food at lunch, my parents didn't say a word. There were no snide remarks from my parents to me or the kids. It was so unbelievably nice. Sure, my parents can be buttheads but I don't think the source of my chasing love has anything to do with my parents or my childhood. As a kid, I didn't chase love or affection. I was me. I did my thing and let the pieces fall where they may.

One of the guys that I was engaged to when I was in college wanted to play games with me. I called the cops on him and had him banned from my college campus. Didn't phase me one bit. At one point, he tried to tell me that it is a cold cruel world out there. I have very vivid memories of looking him straight in the eyes and telling him, "The world that I live in is rather warms."

This whole BS about chasing love from friends or my husband started AFTER I married my husband. It started AFTER being rejected in a million tiny ways by the one person that I chose to be with. I chose my husband. I loved him. No, it wasn't fireworks or some overly romantic thing. It felt (to me) very practical and very real. As time went on, I was rejected more and more and more by him. I felt like I had to jump through hoops to get his attention and even then, that wasn't enough. In looking back, I can kind of see where things started to change for me. Somewhere in there, I was programmed to believe that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough for my husband or anybody else in this world. I think those feelings of not being enough stem directly from my husband being jealous of me and doing little things to undermine me so that he could feel better about himself. I feel like my husband has brainwashed me to think that I am a worthless piece of crap and the only way to get anybody's attention is to fall all over myself to do whatever it is they may want or need.

I used to be really good at tending to myself and taking care of myself. I am a very strong and independent person but that has all become overshadowed by all of the little things that my husband has done for the past 16.5 years that have sent me the message: "You are not worthy!"

I don't feel like I need to heal my inner child. I feel like I need to get back in touch with my inner adult. I was way more capable and independent as a child than I have been allowed to be in my marriage. I had more freedom and more choice as a child than I do as an adult.

Yes! I'm the most confident aggressive guy I know. Been through the toughest training in the world, stress isn't an issue, fought wars, retired and jumped into a stressful job for the government. I fix disasters for gods sake. I go home and I'm nothing to anyone but my kids. When I was with my ex/gf, she cared very little about my day, but got an earful on how her day went. Long story short, I'm so damn good at taking care of everyone but me, and that's what's going to kill me if I don't fix that. I need to find myself. That self that let me launch myself out of an airplane. Got to find me. Got to get her out of my head because she's evil. I didn't exist to her and it's hard for me to shake that. But I must

[vortex of confusion]

Yes! I'm the most confident aggressive guy I know. Been through the toughest training in the world, stress isn't an issue, fought wars, retired and jumped into a stressful job for the government. I fix disasters for gods sake. I go home and I'm nothing to anyone but my kids. When I was with my ex/gf, she cared very little about my day, but got an earful on how her day went. Long story short, I'm so damn good at taking care of everyone but me, and that's what's going to kill me if I don't fix that. I need to find myself. That self that let me launch myself out of an airplane. Got to find me. Got to get her out of my head because she's evil. I didn't exist to her and it's hard for me to shake that. But I must

It is so very invalidating to have that sort of stuff happen. The day that I went to my mom's graduation, he came home talking about laundry and this and that and didn't ask for details about our day. It made me mad.

Oh, there is something else that happened the day of my mom's graduation. It was pouring down rain and we had to park way across campus. There wasn't an umbrella in my car and I didn't know it until we got there. I had blankets in the car so I wrapped up the kids in blankets and started our hike. We had to be a heck of sight cause we were drenched. There was a sweet young lady that had a big umbrella all to herself. She came up beside us and asked us if she could share with us. The kids got under her umbrella and she walked us up to the front of the building. I wanted to cry. It was such a small thing that she did but it was so thoughtful and wonderful. It really stood out to me that I don't have to do anything for people to be nice to me.

I do little stuff like that for people all the time so it baffles me how people like my husband can be so clueless and unaware. When living with somebody like that day in and day out, it really skews ones perspective. The more aware I become, the more I see all of the little instances where he has shoved me aside and sent micromessages that my days, my thoughts, and my life is not important to him.

[Deeno02]

Yes! I'm the most confident aggressive guy I know. Been through the toughest training in the world, stress isn't an issue, fought wars, retired and jumped into a stressful job for the government. I fix disasters for gods sake. I go home and I'm nothing to anyone but my kids. When I was with my ex/gf, she cared very little about my day, but got an earful on how her day went. Long story short, I'm so damn good at taking care of everyone but me, and that's what's going to kill me if I don't fix that. I need to find myself. That self that let me launch myself out of an airplane. Got to find me. Got to get her out of my head because she's evil. I didn't exist to her and it's hard for me to shake that. But I must

It is so very invalidating to have that sort of stuff happen. The day that I went to my mom's graduation, he came home talking about laundry and this and that and didn't ask for details about our day. It made me mad.

Oh, there is something else that happened the day of my mom's graduation. It was pouring down rain and we had to park way across campus. There wasn't an umbrella in my car and I didn't know it until we got there. I had blankets in the car so I wrapped up the kids in blankets and started our hike. We had to be a heck of sight cause we were drenched. There was a sweet young lady that had a big umbrella all to herself. She came up beside us and asked us if she could share with us. The kids got under her umbrella and she walked us up to the front of the building. I wanted to cry. It was such a small thing that she did but it was so thoughtful and wonderful. It really stood out to me that I don't have to do anything for people to be nice to me.

I do little stuff like that for people all the time so it baffles me how people like my husband can be so clueless and unaware. When living with somebody like that day in and day out, it really skews ones perspective. The more aware I become, the more I see all of the little instances where he has shoved me aside and sent micromessages that my days, my thoughts, and my life is not important to him.

That's where my pain lies, VoC. Once away from the r/s, I realize how little I mattered to her. It was 95% her, 5% me. Guess that's why I still have tears because I see people doing stuff for each other, being a part of each other and I was cut off from that once I started "failing her". I just wasn't worthy anymore, if ever. Breaks my heart, especially the bad things said about my kids. Why is she still in my head? She's a horrid person. Damn it.

[vortex of confusion]

That's where my pain lies, VoC. Once away from the r/s, I realize how little I mattered to her. It was 95% her, 5% me. Guess that's why I still have tears because I see people doing stuff for each other, being a part of each other and I was cut off from that once I started "failing her". I just wasn't worthy anymore, if ever. Breaks my heart, especially the bad things said about my kids. Why is she still in my head? She's a horrid person. Damn it.

I don't feel like I have failed my husband. He has failed me. It is a really big step for me to admit that he failed me and I failed myself but I did NOT fail him not matter what he says or does or how he acts. My husband has never ever directly said anything bad about me. The verbal messages say one thing but the actions say something else entirely.

I am pondering out loud here Deeno but I sometimes wonder if I, and maybe you and others, don't chase these people or get caught up with people like this because it is a challenge. There are so many people in this world that have said and done wonderful things for me and to me yet I am focused on this one jerk. Perhaps it is a bit of disbelief on my part. How the heck can my husband have a wife like me, yet not appreciate it or friggin' relish it. I spent a lot of time talking to guys online a year or two ago and I poured my heart to them wanting to know what I was doing wrong and what I could do to get my husband's attention and make him happy. Those guys that I was talking to were falling all over themselves talking to me and giving me attention yet the only person's attention that I wanted was my husband's. Was it a challenge? I don't know.

The more I remember who I am and what I want, the less and less my husband's opinion matters. It is interesting that the more I push him away, the more he seems to act like he wants me. In all honesty, being wanted by somebody like him kind of disgusts me at this point. There are so many days when I wonder if I am the one that is messed up in the head.

[Deeno02]

That's where my pain lies, VoC. Once away from the r/s, I realize how little I mattered to her. It was 95% her, 5% me. Guess that's why I still have tears because I see people doing stuff for each other, being a part of each other and I was cut off from that once I started "failing her". I just wasn't worthy anymore, if ever. Breaks my heart, especially the bad things said about my kids. Why is she still in my head? She's a horrid person. Damn it.

I don't feel like I have failed my husband. He has failed me. It is a really big step for me to admit that he failed me and I failed myself but I did NOT fail him not matter what he says or does or how he acts. My husband has never ever directly said anything bad about me. The verbal messages say one thing but the actions say something else entirely.

I am pondering out loud here Deeno but I sometimes wonder if I, and maybe you and others, don't chase these people or get caught up with people like this because it is a challenge. There are so many people in this world that have said and done wonderful things for me and to me yet I am focused on this one jerk. Perhaps it is a bit of disbelief on my part. How the heck can my husband have a wife like me, yet not appreciate it or friggin' relish it. I spent a lot of time talking to guys online a year or two ago and I poured my heart to them wanting to know what I was doing wrong and what I could do to get my husband's attention and make him happy. Those guys that I was talking to were falling all over themselves talking to me and giving me attention yet the only person's attention that I wanted was my husband's. Was it a challenge? I don't know.

The more I remember who I am and what I want, the less and less my husband's opinion matters. It is interesting that the more I push him away, the more he seems to act like he wants me. In all honesty, being wanted by somebody like him kind of disgusts me at this point. There are so many days when I wonder if I am the one that is messed up in the head.

I dont think i failed either. She thinks i failed her and thats whats important. To her. I failed to meet her needs. As far as a challenge goes? Not sure. She pursued me. She lead. I had zero boundaries. I wasnt appreciated at all for what I did to help her and her kids, and thats not what its all about mind you, but it was like i was taking away from her as super mom. I was slowly being cut from their life and i was. Your husband reacts like that with that push pull thing. How dare you push away, only they can do that, not you. An old gf of mind is recovered BPD. She says that BPD folks get antsy by people who set boundaries and stick by them. Seems to be the only thing that works

[vortex of confusion]

I dont think i failed either. She thinks i failed her and thats whats important. To her. I failed to meet her needs. As far as a challenge goes? Not sure. She pursued me. She lead. I had zero boundaries. I wasnt appreciated at all for what I did to help her and her kids, and thats not what its all about mind you, but it was like i was taking away from her as super mom. I was slowly being cut from their life and i was. Your husband reacts like that with that push pull thing. How dare you push away, only they can do that, not you. An old gf of mind is recovered BPD. She says that BPD folks get antsy by people who set boundaries and stick by them. Seems to be the only thing that works

Their needs are a never ending bottomless pit it seems. My husband gets antsy over anything and everything it seems. In order to set boundaries, I have to know what is important and what isn't. Being with my husband for 16.5 years has skewed my perspective on so many things that I don't know who I am at times. I get these glimpses of clarity and it scares me and makes it that much more difficult for me to love myself. How the heck did I get so far off track that I could ever think that the love of a man would make an ounce of difference?

[Deeno02]

I dont think i failed either. She thinks i failed her and thats whats important. To her. I failed to meet her needs. As far as a challenge goes? Not sure. She pursued me. She lead. I had zero boundaries. I wasnt appreciated at all for what I did to help her and her kids, and thats not what its all about mind you, but it was like i was taking away from her as super mom. I was slowly being cut from their life and i was. Your husband reacts like that with that push pull thing. How dare you push away, only they can do that, not you. An old gf of mind is recovered BPD. She says that BPD folks get antsy by people who set boundaries and stick by them. Seems to be the only thing that works

Their needs are a never ending bottomless pit it seems. My husband gets antsy over anything and everything it seems. In order to set boundaries, I have to know what is important and what isn't. Being with my husband for 16.5 years has skewed my perspective on so many things that I don't know who I am at times. I get these glimpses of clarity and it scares me and makes it that much more difficult for me to love myself. How the heck did I get so far off track that I could ever think that the love of a man would make an ounce of difference?

Beats the hell out of me. 16 minths took a hell of a toll on me. Im no longer as confident as I was before her.I cant imagine what 16 years would be like.I was ready to marry her, had the ring, was going to propose on her birthday. Got my official walking papers 5 days before. Whew... .

[vortex of confusion]

Beats the hell out of me. 16 minths took a hell of a toll on me. Im no longer as confident as I was before her.I cant imagine what 16 years would be like.I was ready to marry her, had the ring, was going to propose on her birthday. Got my official walking papers 5 days before. Whew... .

You dodged a bullet with that. I don't think it matters whether it was 16 years or 16 months. When somebody gets in your head like that, it has a way of messing with you.

I don't think my husband will ever leave. I have made things way too easy for him. I have to love myself enough to give HIM his walking papers. In order to do that, I have to get it through my thick skull that he is incapable of connecting in the way that I want to connect. I have to get it through my thick skull that I don't have to chase him and I don't have to do anything. I have 16 years worth of evidence that tells me that it just isn't going to work unless I am willing to radically accept that this is all there is and that there is no hope of him ever loving me the way that I want to be loved. It just isn't going to happen. No amount of chasing or changing or anything on my part is going to make an ounce of difference.

[Deeno02]

Beats the hell out of me. 16 minths took a hell of a toll on me. Im no longer as confident as I was before her.I cant imagine what 16 years would be like.I was ready to marry her, had the ring, was going to propose on her birthday. Got my official walking papers 5 days before. Whew... .

You dodged a bullet with that. I don't think it matters whether it was 16 years or 16 months. When somebody gets in your head like that, it has a way of messing with you.

I don't think my husband will ever leave. I have made things way too easy for him. I have to love myself enough to give HIM his walking papers. In order to do that, I have to get it through my thick skull that he is incapable of connecting in the way that I want to connect. I have to get it through my thick skull that I don't have to chase him and I don't have to do anything. I have 16 years worth of evidence that tells me that it just isn't going to work unless I am willing to radically accept that this is all there is and that there is no hope of him ever loving me the way that I want to be loved. It just isn't going to happen. No amount of chasing or changing or anything on my part is going to make an ounce of difference.

Yep. Spot on. I'm not sure why I feel like I do, like you said, with someone incapable of connecting to you the way you want to. Your there now. Pull the trigger. There are tons of guys out there who would connect to you without the games. Once your clear, you will see even more why they are so not right. I see it more and more each day. Makes me sad that I put up with it. It's a profound change. Gotta work on my trust again. And of course get her out of my head, which is a bit hard to do even though I'm not even a memory to her anymore.