no contact/no hope

[teachersub]

Hello. I have posted my entire story and thank you for your responses. I have been doing some reading on BPD, and find the advice to work toward compassion. This for me is going to be so difficult, because of my son's words and actions. It was a little easier in a way the first time he cut off contact, because at that time it was only he himself, and I didn't know about BPD. Now he has robbed me of my granddaughter, my only grandchild, for 11 months, and I know he can hold out probably as long as he wants.

   There are so many issues to deal with, and every day I think about what I should do over and over, but never come to any satisfactory conclusions. Thinking about the future is a nightmare,but I can't envision trying to go forward without this child in my life.  The anger grows as the hope decreases. I really need a lot of help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

I'm sorry, teachersub, for all the pain you are going through 

This is a tough situation you are in, and I can understand the terrible stress and hurt you are feeling... .There was a time that my non-son and his undiagnosed BPD wife didn't let us see their baby--our first grandchild--and it was really torture. Luckily I was able to use Validation, S.E.T., and some techniques I learned from the book "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr, and we've improved our relationship with them and we see them and our grandchild regularly now.

I can understand the anger you are feeling, too, and it can become very consuming and in the end make things worse actually, not only for you but for your relationships with others. I agree with you that getting help for that would be beneficial; do you by any chance have access to a Counselor who could help you? Many of us on this site go to Counseling ourselves, and find it very helpful and centering... .I do encourage you to check that out, if you aren't already going, teachersub 

[lever.]

Like Rapt reader I found Valerie Porr's book helpful in a similar situation.

I wanted contact with my grandchildren so much that I swallowed a lot of pride. I did try to avoid condoning unacceptable behaviour though.

My emotions were so raw that I had 3 sessions with a counsellor for myself-which was helpful.

I am sorry for what you are going through.

I think that I said before to try to stand back and consider your priorities in this situation.

[tristesse]

HI teachersub

to start, I want you to know I understand how incredibly painful it is to have a BPD child that is armed with an acidic tongue, and will say and do anything with no regard as to how they are affecting you or anybody else. I  feel your pain, because I live it too. My DD is not in NC situation and currently is not with holding my GS from me, but she has done both in the past.

I agree with lever and rapt reader, you need to educate yourself on the tools and techniques, read the lessons and practice, practice practice  using them. It is helpful to you and your relationship with your DS. I have read the Valerie Porr book , overcoming borderline personality disorder, and I am reading it again, I want to make sure I pick up every important detail.

I also suggest counseling for yourself if it is at all possible. Nobody should have to walk this walk alone, and we all need somebody to talk to that can be objective and compassionate, and help us to get to place where we can function and get on with life.

I will be thinking of you. Hang in there.

[teachersub]

Hi,

     Thanks again for reading and your responses.

      I have been seeing a psychologist for some time now, and she and I have a wonderful rapport. We have talked about all the aspects of this situation,and her advice was pretty much the same as yours. I would try the validation approach,except that I'm afraid that my son would use it as a weapon.

      Last year when my son and I were still communicating before the break, he said something that I didn't understand then,but I see it now. We were talking about the time before when he had no contact with the family.He said that he passed the nursing home where my mother was before she died every day on his way to and from work. He said that he wanted to stop in but he couldn't,because that would mean that "he or they ( father, grandmother ?) would have won(?)."  Instead, I guess in his mind, he was justified in splitting from the family over a minor issue, and he "won" by not coming back until he was ready. This is why it won't be easy doing the validation technique, because I think that he's looking for another "win" and how many more will he need before I can feel I can truly see my granddaughter safely.

       I hope this makes sense,because I can see how he would think this way. His birthday is coming up, and I thought about sending him a card with some sort of short validating message, but I still don't know what to do.