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Author Topic: Did they ever tell you to "never contact them again"?  (Read 7874 times)
Xidion
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« on: December 03, 2014, 07:51:03 PM »

After 20 months my XBPD left me for someone else. We had little contact... only about belongings and such. Right before we were suppose to exchange them, she texted me and said "Just throw my things away and never contact me again. I don't want you anymore, you go ape ___ on me". Can anyone tell me exactly what she meant by this? It was really confusing. Maybe me giving her stuff back would trigger abandonment.  What are the chances I'll hear from her a few months from now?
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DangIthurts
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« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2014, 08:00:00 PM »

doesn't look good bud. I'm probably in that same boat. Mines said that multiple times. I think we've made it 9-11 days without some sort of interaction I know no more on my part it just upsets her and I only get meaner responses.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2014, 08:06:19 PM »

Same here no hope in them they don't look back .
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« Reply #3 on: December 03, 2014, 08:15:43 PM »

This was a tag line of the first uBPD I knew.  Used it on others before he ultimately used it on me.  I think it's also a protective device b/c he wanted to be spared of the ___ he knew people would call him on... .this, of course, was only after I finally started calling him out on his nonsense.  The one other time that happened to me was when I'd done similarly to an acquaintance I suspected of being bipolar and she responded in an email the same way; I ultimately called out my uBPD exDIL although we had very limited contact after that and it was left unsaid.

Truthfully, I think a large part of it is fear and their need to feel as if they are left with some degree of control in a situation where they realize they truly have very little. 
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Infern0
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« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2014, 08:17:16 PM »

Yeah mine has told me that several times,  she always comes back sniffing around after a while
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Faith1520
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« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2014, 08:19:38 PM »

He hasn't said that yet, but I wouldn't be surprised. I left him but he did nothing but push me away both before and after the relationship ended. When he started firing off hurtful and hateful texts I began to ignore him. If he told me now to not contact him anymore then that could make him feel better, like it was his decision and he's in control (cause it seems he always has to be) I also wouldn't be surprised if I never heard from him again. That way he can continue to play the victim, telling everyone that I left him and then completely ignored him.

I told him I was going to drop off his stuff (while he wasn't home) and I was told not to or he would call the police... .said he didn't want me there when he wasn't there. Maybe, like you said, getting his things back would've been a trigger for him. So I guess I'm going to give the stuff to goodwill. I sent his key in the mail yesterday and I'm worried that will trigger him and he'll contact me again saying more terrible things.

Unfortunately no one can really tell you what she meant or if you will hat from her again. As I'm sure you are aware,  Pw/BPD are so unpredictable. We can only learn how they think and make a guess as to what they are thinking or what they will do.
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #6 on: December 03, 2014, 09:07:04 PM »

Mine has never, ever said it. Not in the first go round of breaking up 4 years ago, not this time. It's been since August and we have had extremely limited contact. I even gave her a scorched earth send off in August, of which I am not proud and have since been able to apologize for. Even then all she has said is that she is not yet ready to have extended contact. It makes me think even she knows that she can't stand where she's managed to put herself this time.

I have only come to the conclusion recently with my own research and speaking with my therapist that she may be BPD. Naturally they are undiagnosed.
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DangIthurts
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« Reply #7 on: December 03, 2014, 09:09:45 PM »

she has said is that she is not yet ready to have extended contact. It makes me think even she knows that she can't stand where she's managed to put herself this time.

I have only come to the conclusion recently with my own research and speaking with my therapist that she may be BPD. Naturally they are undiagnosed.



Sounds like a control thing. That to me says she's dictating tempo not you, and certainly not mutually.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #8 on: December 03, 2014, 09:25:53 PM »

Mine always said "when I'm done, I'm done". Been almost 4 months now, she's been with the new dude almost 4 months, so I think I'm pretty safe... .
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #9 on: December 03, 2014, 09:35:21 PM »

Definitely Danged. She also said that we both need to "think about the words" I said (in my scorched earth diatribe) and the truth in them. When I read her reply, I knew that's exactly what she was doing. I even told my therapist that she was trying to control me when I saw my T after receiving the ex's email.

I also received a silent hangup phone call yesterday evening, around the time she would call me in the past when she was leaving her office. I guess now the most she can go has turned into 2 weeks, although she can't seem to bring herself to say anything. I guess that's her control issues too.
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« Reply #10 on: December 03, 2014, 09:45:14 PM »

She did not say that to me, I said that to her.  After she walked out on our marriage of course.  She was blabbering on about insurance and what not, I told her to leave me alone.  So far, she's managed to do what I asked.  I hope it continues aside from the few outstanding legal matters that are remaining.  I can't believe I was duped for long.  In the span of one month, I went from totally trusting her with the potential of my first child to not trusting her as far as I can throw her.  Normal relationships don't end this way, do they?

It's hard for me to even muster any sympathy or empathy for her at this point given everything I put into the relationship.  Especially when compared to what I got out of it - which I still can't totally quantify in any real way.  I certainly didn't get love.  I received some consolation "affection" when I did things that she wanted me to do.   I received sexual enjoyment out of the r/s when things were good.  I certainly didn't improve any as a person and while I gained some great family members from her side (most of which it's now extremely weird to contact), I lost a lot of my friends (close girlfriends especially) and even some of my own family.  

What did I gain out of these last 6 years?  Other than a tough lesson in relationships that I could have learned in 6 months instead of 6ING YEARS.  How am I a better person that I was 6 years ago?  I'm older, clearly more jaded, and I've come to the realization that my marriage was a complete joke.  Blaming this all on a mental illness just doesn't seem to cut it right now.  It's shallow and feels like a cheap excuse, regardless of the circumstances.  What I felt for her was real and the fact that another human being can treat me this way and walk out on me after all that I've given her is mind boggling, what the was I even doing?  The too-many-to-count other boyfriends are far luckier than I.  They got out while the gettin was good.

I'm clearly back in the anger stage of dealing with things, which is good because I loathe both the depression and bargaining stages.  I'm long passed denial.  When does acceptance come into play with all this?  It's been a month since she left, I'm assuming I've got a while.

/rant. Going to bed.  Need to sober up.
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Pingo
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« Reply #11 on: December 03, 2014, 10:21:45 PM »

After 20 months my XBPD left me for someone else. We had little contact... only about belongings and such. Right before we were suppose to exchange them, she texted me and said "Just throw my things away and never contact me again. I don't want you anymore, you go ape ___ on me". Can anyone tell me exactly what she meant by this? It was really confusing. Maybe me giving her stuff back would trigger abandonment.  What are the chances I'll hear from her a few months from now?

I agree it is about control.  Mine told me to never contact him again.  Refused to reply to my email request to exchange our stuff.  He was wanting to make me squirm I think.  And I believe he had replaced me so was happy to ignore me.  Now almost 6 mths later, I've replaced all the stuff he refused to return.  I've mailed his stuff to his brother's.  NOW he has decided to contact me!  Started harassing me by text/email/phone.  I've ignored all until this past Monday when I sent him an email and I threatened him, if he contacts me one more time I will go to the police and get a restraining order.  No more of him controlling me.  I've called a halt to it!
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #12 on: December 03, 2014, 11:52:30 PM »

After 20 months my XBPD left me for someone else. We had little contact... only about belongings and such. Right before we were suppose to exchange them, she texted me and said "Just throw my things away and never contact me again. I don't want you anymore, you go ape ___ on me". Can anyone tell me exactly what she meant by this? It was really confusing. Maybe me giving her stuff back would trigger abandonment.  What are the chances I'll hear from her a few months from now?

Ha ha been down this road when I moved in with my ex bpf gf she had little in the way of furniture etc but I had a load of stuff so we used that when we split up well shall I say push pull recycles she said come get your stuff out my house I don't want it here just reminds me of you I want all of it gone ! So I'd make arrangements get there and she would beg me not to leave her here comes the twist I broke it off for good over a month ago at the time I said can I get my stuff and she kept prolonging it I had to keep on at her about it even tho she got a new bf she still got some of my stuff there now but I thought it reminded her of me ? Weird! She told me to never contact her again either and I havnt the stuff didn't really owe me anything it's strange it's almost like they want to keep it as a reminder or an excuse to contact you later or they just don't care and think oh well least I got something out of him ! Lol who knows how the boarderlines think
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DangIthurts
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« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2014, 12:03:53 AM »

After 20 months my XBPD left me for someone else. We had little contact... only about belongings and such. Right before we were suppose to exchange them, she texted me and said "Just throw my things away and never contact me again. I don't want you anymore, you go ape ___ on me". Can anyone tell me exactly what she meant by this? It was really confusing. Maybe me giving her stuff back would trigger abandonment.  What are the chances I'll hear from her a few months from now?

Ha ha been down this road when I moved in with my ex bpf gf she had little in the way of furniture etc but I had a load of stuff so we used that when we split up well shall I say push pull recycles she said come get your stuff out my house I don't want it here just reminds me of you I want all of it gone ! So I'd make arrangements get there and she would beg me not to leave her here comes the twist I broke it off for good over a month ago at the time I said can I get my stuff and she kept prolonging it I had to keep on at her about it even tho she got a new bf she still got some of my stuff there now but I thought it reminded her of me ? Weird! She told me to never contact her again either and I havnt the stuff didn't really owe me anything it's strange it's almost like they want to keep it as a reminder or an excuse to contact you later or they just don't care and think oh well least I got something out of him ! Lol who knows how the boarderlines think

Yeah mine was taking pictures using stuff I gave her, wearing an expensive jacket I gave her in a snapchat I saw,  and flat out refused to return jewelry she said those were gifts... .I said why keep stuff from someone you hate?
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Splitblack4good
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« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2014, 12:15:35 AM »

After 20 months my XBPD left me for someone else. We had little contact... only about belongings and such. Right before we were suppose to exchange them, she texted me and said "Just throw my things away and never contact me again. I don't want you anymore, you go ape ___ on me". Can anyone tell me exactly what she meant by this? It was really confusing. Maybe me giving her stuff back would trigger abandonment.  What are the chances I'll hear from her a few months from now?

Ha ha been down this road when I moved in with my ex bpf gf she had little in the way of furniture etc but I had a load of stuff so we used that when we split up well shall I say push pull recycles she said come get your stuff out my house I don't want it here just reminds me of you I want all of it gone ! So I'd make arrangements get there and she would beg me not to leave her here comes the twist I broke it off for good over a month ago at the time I said can I get my stuff and she kept prolonging it I had to keep on at her about it even tho she got a new bf she still got some of my stuff there now but I thought it reminded her of me ? Weird! She told me to never contact her again either and I havnt the stuff didn't really owe me anything it's strange it's almost like they want to keep it as a reminder or an excuse to contact you later or they just don't care and think oh well least I got something out of him ! Lol who knows how the boarderlines think

Yeah mine was taking pictures using stuff I gave her, wearing an expensive jacket I gave her in a snapchat I saw,  and flat out refused to return jewelry she said those were gifts... .I said why keep stuff from someone you hate?

Crazy is as crazy does ! Lol my ex asked if she could have her engagement ring back after she thew at me once ! Now we split up she wants it back I refused purely for the fact she thew at me and told me she wouldn't marry a guy like you ! And reminded her she said that when she asked for it all I got was fine keep it you will prob just sell it my response was YEP ! It will be on ebay if you wana bid on it !
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peiper
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« Reply #15 on: December 04, 2014, 12:48:23 AM »

It's an emotional/ control thing. Don't contact her, I'll bet she contacts you within a few months.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #16 on: December 04, 2014, 05:11:15 AM »

It's an emotional/ control thing. Don't contact her, I'll bet she contacts you within a few months.

God I hope not. The replacement is doing his job!
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Earthbayne
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« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2014, 05:24:08 AM »

Mine hasn't, but I bet at some point she will. Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm sure she'll message me to remind me that I missed it... .and probably to never contact her again.

I hope so.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2014, 05:57:14 AM »

Mine hasn't, but I bet at some point she will. Her birthday is coming up soon and I'm sure she'll message me to remind me that I missed it... .and probably to never contact her again.

I hope so.

Her B-day came and went, I said nothing. Mine was about 2 weeks later, she said nothing... .win win... .
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misty_red
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« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2014, 06:16:34 AM »

Yup, mine did. She said "Leave me alone finally.". Happened four month ago. Never heard from her again since directly, but she showed up at a match (she was in my sports team but left it). Funny how they demand you to leave them alone when they feel like showing up whenever they want to. Whatever. I hope she won't show up again because it would make me feel miserable for sure.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2014, 06:39:31 AM »

Yup, mine did. She said "Leave me alone finally.". Happened four month ago. Never heard from her again since directly, but she showed up at a match (she was in my sports team but left it). Funny how they demand you to leave them alone when they feel like showing up whenever they want to. Whatever. I hope she won't show up again because it would make me feel miserable for sure.

Unfortunately, nothing you can do about that. Im the same. Constantly have my head on a swivel to make sure I dont see her and if I do, I have the means to get the fu*k out of there. Unfortunately, she coaches my son and her son in High School Volleyball, so Im kind of stuck with that part... .sheesh... .
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harbour
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« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2014, 07:40:13 AM »

No, he didn't. I broke up with him 10 days ago. In a letter. He started sending me loving and desperate messages after 4 days. I didn't respond. Then he was silent for a few days. And yesterday he sent me a warm and concerned message. And wishing me a good Christmas month. Then I couldn't take it any more, not responding at all. So I sent him a message, telling him I was OK, and that the reason why I was silent and not responded to his messages was that I didn't want to give him hopes for something that was not going to happen. And wished him a good month and Christmas too. He responded with another warm message, he was so glad to hear a few words from me and that I let him know that I was OK. It was the best calendar gift he could get, he wrote. And he was decorating his home for Christmas.

Not so BP like, is it? This has been a very big surprise for me. I expected that he would react with hateful messages. There hasn't been one. Maybe he still hopes for something, and he is trying to do his best to get me back. I don't know. Or he is maybe relieved somehow in the midst of the sorrow. Because the pressure has lifted. From the beginning he has been extremely anxious of losing me. I did all I could to show him that I really cared and loved him. But it only got worse. During the first idealization period he expressed his anxiety, very honestly and intense. But then came the first painting me black, turning cold and distant, and scary outbursts of rage. And running away. Manipulating, controlling. It all got worse. And I reached my limit for what I could deal with.

Who knows? It's only been 10 days.
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downwhim
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« Reply #22 on: December 04, 2014, 11:33:10 AM »

Yes, my BPDx has said, "once I move on I move on". He will not contact me. He is too into rebound now. I blocked him off phone and email. NC. It is hard because many times I wonder what he is doing. I am not one to drive by his house or make a fool of myself that way. I think it is the holidays that triggers these feelings too. I have to say I do not miss that continuous anxious feeling. Never knew what mood I would get.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #23 on: December 04, 2014, 12:19:30 PM »

Yes, my BPDx has said, "once I move on I move on". He will not contact me. He is too into rebound now. I blocked him off phone and email. NC. It is hard because many times I wonder what he is doing. I am not one to drive by his house or make a fool of myself that way. I think it is the holidays that triggers these feelings too. I have to say I do not miss that continuous anxious feeling. Never knew what mood I would get.

Weird isnt it? Not sure why I miss someone so damned abusive. I dont get it... .
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Targeted
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« Reply #24 on: December 04, 2014, 12:32:04 PM »

I don't get it either Deeno, i'm in the same boat
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jammo1989
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« Reply #25 on: December 04, 2014, 01:09:39 PM »

Mine always said "when I'm done, I'm done". Been almost 4 months now, she's been with the new dude almost 4 months, so I think I'm pretty safe... .

Exactly the same as you, when im done im done, and almost 4 months with my replacement Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #26 on: December 04, 2014, 01:12:45 PM »

Mine always said "when I'm done, I'm done". Been almost 4 months now, she's been with the new dude almost 4 months, so I think I'm pretty safe... .

Exactly the same as you, when im done im done, and almost 4 months with my replacement Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Same here 4 months with my replacement and the " leave be"  thing !  Took the same night class didn't they ?
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« Reply #27 on: December 04, 2014, 01:16:57 PM »

My ex also always said- when I am done I'm done and just move on!  Only this was a lie because she was the one INITIATING contact the past five months until I put a end to it.
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Xidion
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« Reply #28 on: December 04, 2014, 01:20:36 PM »

I honestly think that they tell us this so there is no interference with the replacement. They are idealizing them and feel they don't need anyone else.  As soon as they start devaluing them,  who do you think they are going to reach out to?  Whether it be 6 months or a year,  eventually they will see if you are still available.
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guy4caligirl
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« Reply #29 on: December 04, 2014, 01:34:28 PM »

Do you really  think so  Xidion   or is it wishful thinking ?

After all the hurt they put us trough , hanging up saying the worth about us , treating us like nothing ,and you know the rest ... .

how do they have the gut to ask us to take them back does anyone witness that  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) ?
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