Good or bad: a decision

[teachersub]

Hi,

     I have been thinking about my last post-- I was going to send my son a birthday card with a short validating message, but I thought he might use this as a "sign" that he had "won." He was good-I was bad(wrong).

    I want to see my granddaughter freely. I cannot understand how his fiancee (/baby's mom)is letting this happen,but I think she sees this as an old issue between just my son and me. I. have no doubt that she has no clue that he has this disorder,or how to deal with it.

     Very sadly, I feel as though there has been a death in the family, and maybe it just would be better to finish grieving and let it go.l knew my 4  month old granddaughter; at 15 months old, she wouldn't know me. I feel like I would be a kind of intruder in their present life.

      I am going to settle in for the long run, and wait to see what God (rather than my son) has in store for me. I will post when and if something happens .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello teachersrb,

I tend to see these kinds of decisions as sets of pros and cons rather than simply good/bad, as life tends to be complicated... .

I wouldn't worry about your granddaughter not recognizing you - at this age, they bond very quickly with adults that are emotionally available.

My question in this scenario would be - what happens if you do send the card, what happens if you don't?

If your son has BPD, what do you think about his fiance (you mentioned earlier in another thread that she went off the deep end when there was a surgery and the possibility that you would be available less)? Where does she stand in your assessment - is she rather reasonable in general, or does she seem to be also unhealthy?

[Rapt Reader]

teachersub, I'm really sorry that you are having these troubles with your son, and not having access to your granddaughter. I actually really do know that pain of that; I have a grandson that I don't get to see very often, but at one time I didn't really know for certain if I was ever going to get to see him   It was very stressful, and though my son (my younger, non-BPD son) would probably never have gone through with it, his wife (who I believe has at least BPD traits) was insinuating to us that wouldn't be seeing our grandchild, during her pregnancy. Luckily we were able to patch that situation up, and though we still don't see our grandson very often, we aren't No Contact with my son, D-I-L and grandson.

There is a Workshop I participated in on this site last year that helped me repair my rocky relationship with my D-I-L to the extent that not only did we bypass the possibility of never seeing our grandchild once he was born, but my relationship with her is still good and stable. This is the Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?, and if you haven't checked it out yet, I would really like to encourage you to do so. The story about my troubles with her (very similar to your troubles with your son) are in that thread, and might give you some insights into your own problems with your son.

Have you had the chance yet to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? THE LESSONS and the TOOLS are integral to helping to make our relationships with our BPD kids better. I'd also like to recommend that you check out the book "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr; it is my BPD Bible of sorts--all dog-eared and highlighted and it has really saved my relationships with all the loved ones I have with BPD or BPD traits. It has an Index in the back of it that makes it very easy to find just what I'm looking for when I need it 

If you are going to settle in for the long run, and wait to see what God has in mind for you (and I do that all the time!), I think that your time would be well-spent reading all the links to the right of this page, and the link I gave you to that Workshop (honest; it changed my whole way of thinking about and dealing with my D-I-L and helped my life in so many positive ways). And that book. Please look it up online if you don't find it at a brick and mortar store, and order it if you can. Settle in with that book and I think you will get a better understanding of your son and why he acts the way he does, along with the other information I've mentioned. Knowledge is power, teachersub, but I would have to guess that you already know that