Difficulty Pulling the Ripcord

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Reading some of the threads here help me understand how difficult it is to pull the ripcord before we go splat.

As I seem to get closer to bailing I find myself becoming very sad. It is a hard thing to cut one of these BPDers out of our lives.

Yesterday I go a "your mean! you don't call don't text all day!" text from you know who.  I was having some fun and didn't want to bother with her. After I finished I went to her apt and she said I acted like i didn't care about her and she didn't want to "waste her time" and asked "what did I do?" She also said I was acting like I don't care about her because I have her as my gf or something like that.

From experience I tried to remain circumspect before I said anything. She brought up a timeline where she felt I started not caring about her.  This was helpful because it did narrow it down to an incident that pissed me off about 4 months ago.

I asked her to think about what I am getting out of the r/s. Sort of told her to make a list.

Her answer:  "Me!"

My response:  "Is that it?"

You probably get the picture... .I can make a long list of things I do for her but I get nothing from her.

She said "I don't have any money to buy you anything."

I replied something like "You don't need money to do nice things to show you care an appreciate me."

Her honest response was "I can't give more." 

Then the tears came and the "it's all my fault... .I ruin everything."

So the end sum is a r/s with a person who cannot contribute anythng positive to the r/s. I would like to say zero plus zero is still zero but the truth is what I get is a significant net loss!

Maybe I am being cold by looking at the r/s this way.

I am tempted to try to coach her on how to show appreciation and explain in direct terms what I need from her but how do I do that with a person who needs to stay on strong meds to keep from cutting herself?

[nowwhatz]

Reading some of the threads here help me understand how difficult it is to pull the ripcord before we go splat.

As I seem to get closer to bailing I find myself becoming very sad. It is a hard thing to cut one of these BPDers out of our lives.

Yesterday I go a "your mean! you don't call don't text all day!" text from you know who.  I was having some fun and didn't want to bother with her. After I finished I went to her apt and she said I acted like i didn't care about her and she didn't want to "waste her time" and asked "what did I do?" She also said I was acting like I don't care about her because I have her as my gf or something like that.

From experience I tried to remain circumspect before I said anything. She brought up a timeline where she felt I started not caring about her.  This was helpful because it did narrow it down to an incident that pissed me off about 4 months ago.

I asked her to think about what I am getting out of the r/s. Sort of told her to make a list.

Her answer:  "Me!"

My response:  "Is that it?"

You probably get the picture... .I can make a long list of things I do for her but I get nothing from her.

She said "I don't have any money to buy you anything."

I replied something like "You don't need money to do nice things to show you care an appreciate me."

Her honest response was "I can't give more." 

Then the tears came and the "it's all my fault... .I ruin everything."

So the end sum is a r/s with a person who cannot contribute anythng positive to the r/s. I would like to say zero plus zero is still zero but the truth is what I get is a significant net loss!

Maybe I am being cold by looking at the r/s this way.

I am tempted to try to coach her on how to show appreciation and explain in direct terms what I need from her but how do I do that with a person who needs to stay on strong meds to keep from cutting herself?

[Mutt]

Her honest response was "I can't give more."  

Then the tears came and the "it's all my fault... .I ruin everything."

So the end sum is a r/s with a person who cannot contribute anythng positive to the r/s. I would like to say zero plus zero is still zero but the truth is what I get is a significant net loss!

Maybe I am being cold by looking at the r/s this way.

She's telling you the truth. She lacks a stable sense of self. She has low self esteem. Feels guilt and shame. She can't meet you half-way. I'm sorry.  

I am tempted to try to coach her on how to show appreciation and explain in direct terms what I need from her but how do I do that with a person who needs to stay on strong meds to keep from cutting herself?

You may feel invalidated with her lack of displays of appreciation.

You are at an impass, things are not changing. Nothing changes without change.

Do you know what radical acceptance is?

TOOLS: Radical Acceptance for family members

Radical Acceptance and a Borderline Spouse.

Living with someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder is extremely difficult, as we all know first hand. We are all familiar with the verbal attacks, emotional blackmail, manipulation, hurtful criticism, threats, and the silent treatment. Being woken up in the middle of the night, listening to rage, having intimacy withheld from us... .the list could go on and on... .yet many of us (unless we have children or parents with BPD) have chosen to get into the situation and stay in the situation in which we are living with or dealing with someone with BPD. .

The reason is different for each of us, but in the end, our goal is to make things better.  How do we go about doing that when so much of the problem seems to be out of our control?  How do we handle something that is so difficult to understand as borderline personality disorder?

One way is to stop fighting things and defending yourself; to learn to let go and accept what is:  Radical acceptance.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

* Solve the problem.

* Change how you feel about the problem.

* Accept it.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.


Everyone feels pain. It is part of life to experience painful moments. We grow and learn from the pain we endure. Many times we fight against it and say to ourselves "this isn't fair".  Yeah, it may not be, but by fighting against it, you aren't working through it. The very fact that you are judging it as "not right" or "unfair" means that you aren't accepting it. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, it isn't your fault. Yeah, things can be better. Accepting the reality allows the pain to go away. Dwelling on the unfairness only keeps you stuck in your misery.

Pain + non acceptance = suffering.

Reality is what it is

Everything has a cause

Life can be worth living - even when there is pain in it.

If you accept your life "as it is" then you can let go of the bitterness and the anger and the "why me" stuff, you can begin to focus on things that you can change, and to let go of the things that you can't.

People say "I can't stand it!"    

What is the "it"?

The problem isn't the experience, but our interpretation of the experience.

It's how we see "it" and judge "it" that influences how we feel about "it". The glass can be half empty or it can be half full. We determine that. The glass just is what it is... .

This isn't easy.

You will need to do this many many times during the day.

Change never comes easy - but - nothing changes without changes... .

[downwhim]

Mutt, what about those of us who leave. That is not radical acceptance or is that the change you mentioned?

[Mutt]

Yes, the change is how to accept reality downwhim.

For example. My father is narcissistic. Caused great pain for 40 years because I kept trying to get attention and was invalidated. He has difficulties showing love. A tall order for a man that's narcissistic, yet my pain was that I felt invalidated, unloved, rejected and unwanted.

I radically accepted the man for whom he is. He does not have the capacity to change when I wished he would change. He is who he is. I accept that. The anxiety, stress and pain associated with that alleviated.

You can apply it in any situation. He's a parent. I had to accept my ex the same way. I radically accept that she is a person that is limited with the capacity to change. She's a difficult personality and I can't change these circumstances.

“Imperfection is not our personal problem - it is a natural part of existing.”― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddh

Accepting reality for what it is. Flowing with reality instead of flowing against it, flowing against it causes the anxiety, stress, pain, suffering.  

My father, my wife caused me much suffering and it was letting go of the fact that two loved ones are mentally ill. It is not personal.

It is what it is. They are whom they are.

Accepting this reality. I still love my father. I care for my ex as she is the mother of my children.

“The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.”― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha

I set boundaries to keep the bad stuff out and the good stuff in. I'm indifferent to both.

Life has imperfections in it and is a part of life. It's accepting their imperfection, mental illness and disorders as their conditions are not personal to me. It can be a goal, it is not easy - the key is practice.

I hope that helps.

[downwhim]

Thanks Mutt, that helps. They are who they are and we cannot change them. After all, this is mental illness. If we accept them and accept the reality of the situation we then live with less anxiety. I need to post this to my forehead.

[Mutt]

Thanks Mutt, that helps. They are who they are and we cannot change them. After all, this is mental illness. If we accept them and accept the reality of the situation we then live with less anxiety. I need to post this to my forehead.

Yes and you can apply this to everyday life. If you are late on your commute to work and are met with a red light and getting worked up. The reality is accepting that it's a red light you can't change this. I was late to work this am.

I felt anxious and I radically accepted I'm going to be a few minutes late.

“The renowned seventh-century Zen master Seng-tsan taught that true freedom is being "without anxiety about imperfection.”― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha