Weird gifts and favoritism

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There might have been a post about this topic long ago, but I can't remember for sure. I wanted to see if anyone else has experienced extremely strange gifts from someone with a PD.  I'm also curious if anyone has experienced extreme favoritism related to giftgiving, where one child is given far more than another.

For Christmas this year, my four kids went over to their dads house as they typically do around the holidays. His parents were there, they are now in their early 90s.  My exs mother(grandma) gave a bunch of her old nightgowns and other old clothing to my daughters, wrapped as nice gifts. Some of them even had stains on them.I can't imagine how my daughters felt, seeing these beautifully wrapped packages, opening them, and finding grandma's old nightgowns! Very strange.

The grandparents and also my ex regularly give one or two of the kids very nice gifts or money, and do not give the same to the others, depending on who is being painted black or white at the time. (three of the kids are now young adults, the youngest is 16.). This creates a lot of hard feelings.

For my oldest daughter's last birthday, her dad was not speaking to her at the time, but he gave her a very large gift bag. In it was a kitchen towel, a used dog brush (with dog hair in it )for her dog, and three dirty tennis balls for her dog.  

Anyone else?

Best,

PictureLady

[picturelady]

There might have been a post about this topic long ago, but I can't remember for sure. I wanted to see if anyone else has experienced extremely strange gifts from someone with a PD.  I'm also curious if anyone has experienced extreme favoritism related to giftgiving, where one child is given far more than another.

For Christmas this year, my four kids went over to their dads house as they typically do around the holidays. His parents were there, they are now in their early 90s.  My exs mother(grandma) gave a bunch of her old nightgowns and other old clothing to my daughters, wrapped as nice gifts. Some of them even had stains on them.I can't imagine how my daughters felt, seeing these beautifully wrapped packages, opening them, and finding grandma's old nightgowns! Very strange.

The grandparents and also my ex regularly give one or two of the kids very nice gifts or money, and do not give the same to the others, depending on who is being painted black or white at the time. (three of the kids are now young adults, the youngest is 16.). This creates a lot of hard feelings.

For my oldest daughter's last birthday, her dad was not speaking to her at the time, but he gave her a very large gift bag. In it was a kitchen towel, a used dog brush (with dog hair in it )for her dog, and three dirty tennis balls for her dog.  

Anyone else?

Best,

PictureLady

[david]

Sounds like grandma has dementia. My mother is living with me now and she does some pretty strange things. She forgets who I am, why I am living there, etc. She once thought I was George Clooney. For a week she thought I was Frank Sinatra. I played Sinatra music for her that week and sang. She loved it.

Our boys are 16 and 11 and I have talked to them about dementia. believe it or not I think it helps them deal with their mom when they are with her. It's like radical acceptance.

[Panda39]

I agree with david in grandma's case my bet is dementia too.  Now the ex on the other hand is playing games with the kids... .I hope they are able to not take it personally that kind of stuff can be very hurtful.

But in the weird gift category... .

My SO's uBPDxw gave him the window sticker from a car he liked and told him it would be arriving in a week... .he's still waiting... .

uBPDxw got one of her daughters a TV Guide for Hanukkah  

She likes to draw pictures of the things she "will be getting" for the kids and give the pictures to them... .I'm sure in her mind it just like giving them the "real" thing.  

For (all bad daughter) D14's birthday this year uBPDmom paid for a plane ticket for (all good daughter) D18 to come home from college for a visit... .D18 and uBPDmom gang up on and pick on D14... .what a great gift  

It's January 2015 so far nothing for the kids for Hanukkah 2014... .what a great mom  

[picturelady]

Thx for the replies!  But it is not dementia... .this has been a pattern for DECADES.  In regards to the favoritism: When the kids were little, grandma would always wait until everyone had opened all the gifts, then she would parade into the living room with a very large gift for the favored child.  When this favored child was in high school, grandma gave her a NEGLIGEE that she said she had worn!  My daughter was so embarrassed she didn't know what to do.  (This favored child is now painted black, as she did not follow what they thought she should do with her life, so they give the other kids a $100 bill and give her nothing.)

This stuff is also a pattern with the kids' dad, and has been for many years.  In addition to giving weird gifts (the dirty tennis balls and used dog brush,) or things that are value-less, he gives the kids things that HE would like as gifts (i.e. classical CD's of composers he likes but that they do not enjoy.)  He will sometimes ask our oldest daughter (26) for gift suggestions, and then he does not purchase any of the items.  Of course this is very crazy-making for her.  He also tends to give them things that HE thinks they SHOULD have.  I think this is all related to identity and control, enmeshment, and splitting.  I could be wrong, of course!  Their dad also has a sister (PD) who gives very odd gifts: one year it was a stethoscope, one year a strange-looking, large mirrored light that you wear on your head. 

PictureLady

[david]

I agree it is weird. In that situation then you need to validate the kids that it is truly weird. You ain't gonna change crazy. All you can do is recognize it, accept it for what it is, and move on.

My ex gives me a can of peanuts every year for Christmas since we separated. I have no idea why and never tried to figure it out. They are usually out of date and are stale so no one eats them. I throw them out when the boys are not there. It has become a joke of sorts with them as to "wonder what mom got dad for Christmas this year".

My interpretation, which I haven't shared with the boys, is that ex is telling me she is nuts.

[Panda39]

Their dad also has a sister (PD) who gives very odd gifts: one year it was a stethoscope, one year a strange-looking, large mirrored light that you wear on your head.

Hoping for someone to be a doctor when they grow up perhaps... .

My ex gives me a can of peanuts every year for Christmas since we separated... .My interpretation, which I haven't shared with the boys, is that ex is telling me she is nuts.

or you're the one who is nuts, don't rule out projection... .

I know none of this is funny to the kids that receive this junk but it is hilarious just to see it here in black and white.   

Picturelady,

Maybe david is on the right track.  Maybe make a game of it... .have the kids guess what they will get from dad and grandma next year!  Dirty socks... .a tin can... .roll of toilet paper? You just never know!  or guess who will get the "good" present next year?  Help them see it for the silliness that it really is... .that it isn't about them... .it's really about dad and his family.

[JulesC]

This post made me giggle and brings back some funny memories... .my uBPDexh has given D various very odd presents over the years. The best one was a shopping trolley token... .it's kinda like a fake coin that fits into the shopping trolleys at the local supermarket and releases them from being tied together. She was 7 at the time... .     She's also been given stuff from op shops (even tho he's wealthy) and old broken things from his own childhood

I like david's suggestion of making light of the situation... .it really is all you can do. We've turned it into humour, not making exh a bad person, but laughing about this particular trait

My G'dad was BPD and one year gave me & bro a tube of toothpaste for xmas... .to share! and exh sent me a valentine's card once with nothing written in it, totally blank. When I asked why he said words just weren't sufficient to describe his love    Thank fully it didn't take too much longer before the penny dropped

Am not sure what causes this, just that it's one of the odd things that come with the BPD world & sometimes its better not to waste time trying to figure it out

[Rubies]

Yes, the gift disparity is very hurtful, Princess gets it all.  My grandparents when they were alive tried to keep it balanced.  I tried to balance it with my kids too. I understand now the disparity is the BPDs' way of pitting kids against each other with rivalry and jealousy to prevent good relationships.

Grandma's gifts to my girls were fleece throw blankets made with $1.50 worth of thrift store fabric which she slaved all year to stitch a binding.  Their cousins got cars, trucks, college and houses.  I simply didn't TELL my kids what their cousins got, but DD got hurt when she saw her cousin with the truck she'd always been told would be hers.

The Care Packages from Grandma became the family joke.  Before opening these boxes delivered by UPS, we had to have a gathering of witnesses, one of which would be on the phone to report the contents to others who couldn't be there in person.  Wine would be poured.

The hamster litter, newspaper articles and ads, magazine clippings, all with scribblings in the margins paper clipped together, several bundles, 2 year old church bulletins, a few old magazines. (evidence Grandma cleaned off her sofa)Used men's underwear when there was no man in my life, the humongous, shot, yellowed size 56JJJ bra, 6 panty liners in a baggy closed with a twisty tie, hideously ugly clothes thankfully in the wrong size, something I was positive I got rid of 20

year previously, something I'd declined before, and something incredibly tacky to display in my home. :D   There'd maybe be one item worth keeping.

Everyone getting a good laugh at my expense takes the edge off a bit.

[Panda39]

... .I understand now the disparity is the BPDs' way of pitting kids against each other with rivalry and jealousy to prevent good relationships.

This is exactly what it's about and punishment to those painted black.

The Care Packages from Grandma became the family joke.  Before opening these boxes delivered by UPS, we had to have a gathering of witnesses, one of which would be on the phone to report the contents to others who couldn't be there in person.  Wine would be poured.

The hamster litter, newspaper articles and ads, magazine clippings, all with scribblings in the margins paper clipped together, several bundles, 2 year old church bulletins, a few old magazines. (evidence Grandma cleaned off her sofa)Used men's underwear when there was no man in my life, the humongous, shot, yellowed size 56JJJ bra, 6 panty liners in a baggy closed with a twisty tie, hideously ugly clothes thankfully in the wrong size, something I was positive I got rid of 20

year previously, something I'd declined before, and something incredibly tacky to display in my home. :D   There'd maybe be one item worth keeping.

I have to admit this had me laughing  .  I am not downplaying the hurt this kind of stuff can cause but WOW the bra sounds like it could contain an entire "cast of thousands".

[Rubies]

The bra was really weird since I am a small person, and the spandex was  too blown out to use as a slingshot without adding bungees.  In hindsight I think it belonged to a large aunt who left it in my mom's dryer.

Humor is how we helped each other get through the Crazy, until it wasn't funny anymore.  It's just mean.

[david]

I don't think I would call it mean. My perception is that it is sick. In fact very sick. The total lack of empathy for the person receiving the gift is disturbing.

[Rubies]

I don't think I would call it mean. My perception is that it is sick. In fact very sick. The total lack of empathy for the person receiving the gift is disturbing.

It's sick, mean humor and so is the humor we use to cope.   When you ask a BPD WHY they sent you something so weird, like your obese aunt's worn out bra while you're hanging out with your cousins, out comes the smirkiness and a reminder that YOU said you'd gained a bit of weight.

I don't think our coping humor is funny anymore either.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Is the following an option?

Receive the parcel/return it unopened.

Once, Twice, Thrice... .always.

Humor is not the way to deal with this, outrage is.  And with no bad words, no words at all... .just refuse to accept this treatment.

The kids should never grow up thinking that this is normalcy... .don't ever hesitate to get some watered-down counseling if necessary... .afterall, they are puzzled and hurt.

By watered down I mean, a few sessions where they could get to bounce their hurt off and some sort of validation that it is not their fault.

And for that matter... .perhaps if the reality check from this board is not sufficient, don't hesitate to get some counseling yourself.

This kind of stuff hurts... .whether the hurt is intense or the dull sluggish one that lingers for decades afterwards... .

[picturelady]

The bra was really weird since I am a small person, and the spandex was  too blown out to use as a slingshot without adding bungees.  In hindsight I think it belonged to a large aunt who left it in my mom's dryer.

Humor is how we helped each other get through the Crazy, until it wasn't funny anymore.  It's just mean.

Oh Rubies, so sorry for your pain, but THANK YOU for turning it into a laugh-out-loud story!  (I must add on the bra note... .I am a petite person, and when my first child was born, my mother-in-law (the kids' grandma I mention in the thread above) said loudly, "Oh, you're breastfeeding?  I didn't think you could!" 

PictureLady 

[Rubies]

Thanks Picturelady.  We did laugh a lot, but at one point I realized I was usually the butt of the jokes.   I still try to get DD to use humor to relieve some stress with her BPDdad and his family, but I remind her it's not to minimize the seriousness of the situation.

When I was finally out of BPD marriage, I changed the dynamics of all my relationships.   I'd been slowly working through the schema of why I was there, slowly making the internal changes and began saying No.   Nobody likes change.    I am no and low contact with all but those who went no and low contact too.

I wish I had the fortitude to refuse the "Grandma boxes."   Once in a blue moon there will be something very valuable to me in the box.  If I don't hide it well, she will steal it back when she visits.  At 82 and 1,000 miles between us, I don't expect another visit.

[picturelady]

Panda39, I agree - punishment and painting certain family members black hits the nail on the head for me. 

pallavirajsinghani, I assure you that these situations are unpacked by my daughters with a skilled therapist.  Several family members are in ongoing, long-term, (and in the past residential) treatment.  As my therapist used to tell me, my family is "genetically loaded" with PD in multiple members.  (In fact, I would love to see a message board for people with "multiples."  I never could decide which board to make my "home" board - I could easily be on several.)  All that to say, sometimes it is just so incredibly messy, one must find the most effective and least painful way to cope (including humor?,) and go with it.  I certainly appreciate your response.  It helps people like me realize how messed up this crazy type of behavior is!  It is EXTREMELY disrespectful in my opinion.  But no end to it, such as returning gifts unopened - which would simply invite another round of arguing, fighting, "wounded" feelings, etc.  (Although I must confess I'm tempted to have my girls wrap up some old used items and have them give those to grandma and dad.) 

Rubies, I am with you on the "low and no."  My only contact with my uBPDex is due to shared custody of our youngest, now 16.  I have worked hard to change MY part in my relationship with him, and it is currently pretty workable.  I too have started examining my relationships, and even quietly bowing out of ones that are not good for me.  Big step for me!

And BTW, glad there is 1,000 miles between you and grandma!   

PictureLady

[Rubies]

I can't have a home board either.  With BPDs and NPDs throughout my family, mom, sisters, cousins, BPDxh and his BPD mom and their band of flying monkeys, two adult daughters who are embracing the crazy drama llama, and one still at home with autism and PTSD from it all... .I'm smeared all over like a jelly sandwich.

My dad was in charge of gifts this year, he sent checks.   This meant making the obligatory Christmas call, which he handed the phone over to her so she could try to toy with me.

[picturelady]

Rubies,  sorry you are surrounded on all sides!   I wondered if there were others like us.  Maybe I will ask about a new message board for us?  Don't know if it would be considered, but it sure would be helpful!   

Wishing you the best,

PictureLady

[Rubies]

Rubies,  sorry you are surrounded on all sides!   I wondered if there were others like us.  Maybe I will ask about a new message board for us?  Don't know if it would be considered, but it sure would be helpful!   

Wishing you the best,

PictureLady

I stepped out and set boundaries.  I still have to deal with BPDxh's incredible rages expressed through other people, nasty gossip, stalking, vandalism, harassment.   Most have decided he's an idiot and they don't like pain.  My DD and I have held our ground for over 4 years. I'm kept busy plugging security holes. He's blown himself out, burned a lot of people while trying to burn me.  I think it's over and we're still recovering from the aftermath.  

We're just now reestablishing new relationships with DD25.  With me since before the divorce,   DD20 since she turned 18 and went NC with her dad.  The nice thing is I've always been on good terms with the man she married, even when she wasn't speaking to him and didn't know she was going to marry him.    He recently returned from 6 years in Japan.  :)D25 does fine overseas, comes unglued when around family.  He and I have always spoken openly and honestly about our families.  He somewhat understands messed up families and we help each other through.

I'm sure there are plenty of us with multiple BPD exposures, we are magnets, but not sure how many know it.   I think most are like my cousins, too enmeshed and dependent on the generational dysfunction used to cope with the big BPDs.  There was always talk of the need to change and set boundaries, and always the pressure to maintain the status quo.  They didn't like it when I changed.  They were supportive of me not taking it from ex anymore, but felt I should still take it from everyone else, then pulled the same crappy stuff on me they hated done to them because I said no.  I'd never stood up to them before.   I became another happy black sheep.