Just received a phone call from CPS regarding my GS3

[kelc323]

CPS is finally beginning to take more aggressive action regarding the welfare of my GS3. I've posted a few things, but the Reader's Digest version is this: my BPDDD27 and her boyfriend (24) have a child together. The boyfriend is abusive, a thief and a drug dealer. He is in the middle of a trial and plea bargain for 2 counts of felony distribution of marijuana (several pounds -- it was an undercover state investigation and the "deal" took place at their home). According to my daughter, since it's a first conviction, they are working on a plea agreement for substance abuse counseling and two years probation. In addition to this, the year has been incredibly volatile. In October 2013, my daughter was arrested for domestic battery. The DA did not press charges. In December 2013, she was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Since the beginning of the year, there have been ten 911 calls to their home. Each call was for domestic battery and/or criminal destruction of property. The DA tossed all the cases but the criminal destruction of property (boyfriend). My daughter was arrested in April. Her boyfriend was arrested in January, March and August. This information does not even touch the number of rages, melt downs and welfare checks that have occurred over the last year.

We live in a very liberal county and they have been very slow at doing anything about my GS3's situation. I guess what has prompted their sudden movement was that my daughter and her boyfriend have failed to comply to a mandated family counseling session in September. The CPS worker called to verify whether my BPDDD's grandfather had a stroke on that day, because this is why they cancelled. (And, no, both grandpas are fine.) Or, there may be something else that prompted action by them and I'm just not aware of it... .which makes me so sad for my GS3.

I'm still wrestling with my role in this situation and whether or not I'm willing to foster my GS3. It's certainly not because I don't love him. My decision has more to do with how heavily involved I will need to be with my daughter and his daddy. Quite frankly, I'm scared of the father. He hates us and has threatened our family. As for my daughter, this can be a very tricky situation for all three of us and further put me in the middle of her affairs. She already blames me for everything. This will just make it worse.

I was already overwhelmed with her current emotional state, her acting out, the holidays in general with my daughter/parents and year-end deadlines & pressure with my job. Now this. Sigh. I think I want to run away. I'm overwhelmed.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I am so sorry kelc323 for the additional stress this situation brings about for you... . 

Is there anything you need to do about it now or in the near future?

Are the CPS asking for more cooperation from you?

If and that is definitely an 'if' - if you'd be willing to foster your GS3 when it comes to that, perhaps you could go about it in a way that makes it obvious that you are the last resort and if you don't step in, the child would be placed with strangers?

[kelc323]

Thank you for the words of support, Pessim-Optimist. I would've responded sooner, but I came down with a serious case of the stomach flu, Friday night.

Over the last several months, many phone calls have been made to CPS by therapists, family, the police and a few calls from others. We tried very hard to provide support, guidance and respite to my daughter before contacting CPS, but their home situation just became more and more volatile. My goal was to protect my grandson and make sure lots of people were monitoring his environment. My other goal was for CPS to mandate treatment for both his parents and set very clear consequences. I was really, really hopeful this would be effective and possibly persuade my daughter to deal with the reality of her situation. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. Once CPS hands the file over to the state's district attorney, it gets very serious. Quite frankly, I'm not sure what to expect. CPS has recommended that both parents retain legal counsel, but my daughter doesn't understand why and feels like the DA will just do what CPS has recommended -- more counseling. She really isn't grasping the gravity of the situation. As for the father, I have strong beliefs that he also has an undiagnosed personality disorder, but it seems to present more as anti-social. From my reading ASPD, NPD and BPD are all Cluster B personality disorders and have many similarities.

My initial plan is to contact the DA's office and ask lots of questions. What are the grandparents rights if we choose not to foster? Will we have liberal visitation and overnights with him? If we choose to foster, what will be our role with the parents? Will there by any financial assistance to provide for childcare? (I have a 50-hour work job with many responsibilities and my husband travels for his job and isn't home much. I would say he averages 10 days a month at home.)

For the most part, CPS hasn't interacted much with me. They will take a call or letter, but for privacy reasons not share details of case history or their concerns. This is the first time they've called me. He also made it very clear that I will be contacted by the DA's office to attend the hearing. It's all very murky.

My DS18 and DS28 have begged me not to foster of grandson. My DS18 is truly scared of my daughter's boyfriend and feels like we will be in danger. He is a dangerous guy. I feel for the most part that he's all talk. Most of his serious threats have been shared via my daughter and who knows what's true, what's a lie and what's delusional. It's such a convoluted situation.

I received a text this weekend from my daughter. She and her boyfriend were given random drug tests and they passed -- or at least that's what she is telling me. I replied back, "Glad to hear this." She didn't like my less than enthusiastic comment and starting saying she wouldn't have had to take a drug test in the first place, if I hadn't contacted CPS. Really? On the list of issues that has been reported, drug use was the least concerning. (Scary thought.) I have an email from her therapist that she was abusing her prescription meds and had recommended a SA treatment center for mothers & their children. Of course, she refused. Anyway, my point is this. They both are unwilling to look at their own role and blame me and my husband for CPS. She can't even understand that CPS is handing the file over due to other reports (not from us) and their unwillingness to follow through with the counseling sessions. She was warned this is what would happen if they didn't work with CPS.

I will need more information from the DA, before I make a decision. I love my grandson and don't want to cause him further trauma by being placed with strangers; however, my sons are both begging me not to put myself in this situation, because of their fears. My husband and I have been raising children for 29 years, and dealing with my BPDD27's issues from childhood until now have been exhausting. We have just gotten to the point, where I can travel with him occasionally. We have the freedom to play on the weekends when he comes home. We have finally reached the point to just be selfish and be with each other. I just don't know what to do. I feel so conflicted... .and selfish for even considering not fostering my grandson... .  :'(

[pessim-optimist]

I just don't know what to do. I feel so conflicted... .and selfish for even considering not fostering my grandson... .  :'(

Hm, from your post I see how difficult of a decision it is and with the added complication of your dd thinking that the CPS were involved solely because of you and the possible threats from the bf, I don't blame you or your sons for advising you not to take this on... .

It is worth finding out what the laws are in your state regarding grandparental rights. In some states eventual adoption ends all visitation rights for the grandparents, in some states that is not so. If you live in an area that would allow you to remain in your gs's life as grandma and grandpa, that might be the best option for you.

You may in the end decide to do it, or not, it is really up to you and your husband. Knowing our limitations and abilities well enough to say yes or no freely is a great asset.

[TryingToBeHappy]

Kelc323... .I can just feel your stress and pain reading your post.

What a horrible situation to be in, you've been dealing with your daughters BPD most of her life I presume, and now an abusive boyfriend and a child have been brought into the mix. What is the boyfriends take on everything that's going on? Is he at all concerned that CPS are involved with his son? Does he care his son may end up being removed from their care?

My husband and I have custody of his youngest, her mother is a drug addict and she was removed by CPS and placed with us, her mother refused drug counseling, which ultimately resulted in the judge giving us sole custody. Yes, the mother blamed us for everything, even tho we weren't the ones who reported her, the childs school did. I won't lie, we did have a lot of problems with the mother making threats and so forth, it lasted for about 2 years.

I really don't know what to say to you to make you feel better, does the abusive father have a decent family? Would they be a consideration for fostering your grandson? It does seem apparent from your post that you have possibly reached a point in your life where you don't want or need the responsibility of raising another child (quite rightly, I wouldn't want to either given the circumstances). From what I understand, CPS try to keep the children with a family member, so you may not be their only option, usually when they're considering removing a child, and wanting to place the child with the maternal grandparents, they make sure the grandparents are heavily involved with what's going on.

It's so sad that your daughter can't take responsibility for her child, and be a parent. She needs to wake up, it's also not your responsibility to take on her responsibilities, as hard as it may be.

It's a tricky situation... .Would your daughter and her abusive boyfriend get visitation rights? Would they create so much trouble for you that it's not within the childs best interests to be placed with you?

[qcarolr]

kelc323

Such a hard place to be. I can hear the exhaustion and a little guilt about being the grandparents feeling some resentment about pressures to foster your gs.

I have been there with both of my DD28's children and made different choices with each. The guilt about my own resentments with our choices has taken a lot of work to replace with acceptance. Dh and I chose our path.

My gd is now 9 and we have provided primary care for her since about 8 months. We gained full custody at 18 months with the help of the daddy persuading DD to sign an voluntary stipulation. She was going to fight our petition for custody. He knew being an alcoholic traveler was his life - he would not be here to be the daddy. He has been in  prison most of the past 7 years.

I carried the idea that this would be temporary, DD would get help with her problems and we could become just 'regular grandparents'. Gd's T has worked with us to accept that this 'happy family fantasy' is not reality. Many of the tools here at bpdfamily and the other members responses have provided me with guidance in making things better over the past 5 years of drama and trauma.

When gd was 2 DD had a son. Even before this pregnancy dh and I had decided we would not get this involved with anymore grandkids. We just did not have the resources - financial, emotional, physical. DD married the father of this child, we helped them get into an apartment and out of our basement, and waited to see how long it would last. At 5 months gs was in foster care, we were being pressured to adopt him by everyone, DD and SIL wanted us to adopt then allow them to really 'raise our son'. What a mess. Ultimately the foster parents adopted gs near his 2nd birthday. They have since moved out of state and our only contact is via the mom's facebook. Truly no contact with him was needed so he could attach to his adoptive family.

Attachment issues have a profound effect on a child's development. This has been documented with neurological studies. The sooner a child can be in a loving, safe, stable environment the better chance for recovering from these delays. If you want resources about this, let me know. I hope CPS can speed up their interventions for you gs. It seems clear that his parents are not ready to change their lifestyle to be parents to him. Maybe your DD is in her own "happy family fantasy". My DD is just this past few months, being in jail with gd wanting NO CONTACT, letting go of this fantasy. She got released a month ago after a year away.

You seem to be clear about how you desire your retirement years to proceed. It is a hard choice. Everyone has an opinion to share about what is best for __________________. Fill in the blank. Search your soul's and make the decision that you can best live with and find some peace.

What support do you have for yourselves - you and your dh? Therapy that gets your love for your DD and your gs. Friends that get it - have experienced the realities of you DD. Faith community. Building my support network in the past 2 years has led to peace in my life, even in the midst of trauma and chaos.

Please keep coming back to let us know how you are doing. We understand and care.

qcr

[kelc323]

I wanted to take a moment and thank each of you for your responses. I have been incredibly busy and want to respond in more detail, but it may take me a day or two. I just wanted each of you to know that I appreciate the time you've taken to share your perspectives and support! I am considering all of your input as I manage my current situation. Your insights have been incredibly valuable to me. I just need to get through the year-end stuff at work and through the holidays. I feel pulled from every direction and am pretty tired... .and stressed, as you all have perceptively pointed out.  Hopefully, I will be able to offer more support of my own at the beginning of the year. 

I'll be back as soon as I can. Thanks again. This board is invaluable to me. 

[pessim-optimist]

Take all the time you need, and take care of yourself kelc323 - that's a very valuable skill!

Holidays can be stressful, take it easy... .