How do you not let FOG cloud decisions about contact?

[Finding Courage]

My mom is uBPD with waif tendencies.  Emotional incest best sums up my lifetime of experience with her.  She is still very obsessed with me, bordering on stalking with me.  She constantly pushes for more contact, especially after I had a baby.  Recently she wanted to set up Skype and I had to find a way to say no.  I basically lied and said we aren't on much but now I feel guilty.  I know it hurts her feelings but I have to do what is best for me and my daughter.   Fear, obligation and guilt definitely make these decisions harder.  What do you all do with FOG and contact decisions?

[estelithil]

I'm very stand offish with my uBPD mother. I know it hurts her feelings, but she is extremely inconsistant with her moods - some days she is bright and cheerful, other days she is selfish and angry for no reason. She may even swing from one mood to another within minutes, expecting to be instantly forgiven once she has gotten over her mood. I have given up pandering to her moods and her cries for attention - I treat her the same every time I interact with her. I hope that by providing consistancy I can help settle our relationship.

[jdtm]

Fear, obligation and guilt definitely make these decisions harder.

Wow - do I get this.  I don't know if this would work, but every time you need to say "no" or put a boundary in place, conjure up a picture of your daughter.  These "necessary" blocks are for the well-being of your daughter.  It is not easy, is it?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Finding Courage

Decisions about low contact or no contact are very difficult. It seems like no matter how you decide to do things somebody seems to end up feeling hurt. Me I weigh up just how 'permanent' the hurt feelings are for all involved. My uBPDm can seem extremely hurt and very lost as to my withdrawing from her but I have noted that these feelings are surprisingly fleeting.

If you don't want to Skype with her then that is your choice. in a normal r/ship people might be more likely to respect your decision or alter their own behaviour to make it more conducive to a r/ship.

Feelings of guilt are natural - I would ask myself how justified they are? Is it genuine guilt or the guilt that you have been taught? you may want to review the core reasons for deciding to reduce/eliminate contact. In the end, we are all responsible for the outcomes of our decisions - even your mother.

I know that a personality disorder is difficult to get a grip on but unless my mother were to make an effort to do that, I don't want to expose my kids to a situation where she is trying to develop the same unhealthy r/ship with them as she did with me, my sister and brother. She refuses to get help unless I do it for her/with her/in her place, even and that decision bears consequences. One of which is reduced communication with me. I won't reward her for discounting AGAIN my requests for certain dignified and respectful behaviour to me. Are my rights less important than hers?

As you say, protecting yourself and your daughter are your prime responsibilities.

Just my opinion of course!

Ziggiddy