Should staying together mean no kids for us?

[Foolishwizdom]

After separating in September, my dBPDh moved back in at the end of November.  We have been doing well overall since then (not long, I know.)  Our couples counselor (who started going to in October in addition to our individual therapists) just told us on Thursday that we should continue our individual counseling but that dBDh was not in the place to really do couples counseling.

I am still deciding what the long-term decision should be for me. At this point, I feel like we could figure out a pattern that works in spite of dysfunction. My husband is acknowledging the disorder and is in treatment and I am growing in my depersonalizing/detachment, etc.  I have a strong career and life outside of him and travel for my job.  

Where I get stuck is having children.  We both want kids.  I think he had some types of abuse or trauma in his childhood and I worry how his BPD episodes would affect children.  I can learn to disengage/detach but kids can/should not.  He doesn't see the risk at this point.  I am very worried about the risk.   I don't know how I could do my job and raise kids well without some third party help so there is a stable person in my absence. I don't want to have kids because we want them and then put them in an unfair position growing up.

How do I choose between trying to make it work with the husband I love and having children?

[Panda39]

Hi Foolishwizdom,

What you are asking is an extremely personal choice.

My SO unfortunately didn't discover BPD until he had been married to his uBPDxw 17 years and already had 2 daughters.  He loves his daughters dearly but all of them have been put through things no one should at the hands of the uBPDxw. 

These children have seen their mother arrested (before & after separation), they have lived in filth, she has neglected medical and dental care, she pulled one daughter out of school for a year (graduated with a 1.9 GPA), they have watched their mother get evicted (and their stuff tossed on the lawn) 3 times, they have had visitation with their mother as she couch surfed at friends (they slept on the floor), and now they must visit her in the hotel she lives in because no one will rent to her. They have had to witness their mother make suicide threats, become addicted to prescription drugs and be both verbally and emotionally abusive to them.  Because of all of her mother's upheaval the younger daughter made suicide threats and was hospitalized herself for 2 weeks earlier this year. 

During their divorce the children were used as weapons against my SO... .they falsely accused him of child abuse (unfounded by the court), they spied on him and reported back to mom, they read his text messages, they went through his things, even reporting the contents of his refrigerator.  She ran a parental alienation campaign as well.  They have had to deal with the guilt of their part in their mother's games.

Both girls have issues... .both have best friends from dysfunctional families and  both have needed therapy.  The eldest stuffs her feelings and uses manipulation to cope and the youngest is more honest about her feelings but plays the hypochondriac card to get out of things she doesn't want to do.  Both girls struggle to have "normal" lives and be independent of a mother that does everything she can to keep them enmeshed.

The above has been an excerpt of their life over the last 4 years.  I don't think that anyone would wish this kind of life on anyone.  I will say it again my SO loves his daughters dearly but do I think he would have had them if he knew what kind of lives awaited them I think not... .he wouldn't want them to suffer as they have.

On a personal note.  I love my son like I love no other but he has had to struggle too.  My ex was an alcoholic and he took the choice away from me.  He could sense I was slipping away because of his drinking.  He sabotaged a condom and deliberately got me pregnant to keep me. It worked I got pregnant 3 years into my marriage and stayed 16 more years because I couldn't financially support my son on my income alone.  I love my son above all others but would I have chosen to have him with my ex? No. I had not and would not have chosen to get pregnant with my ex.

My son did not deserve to grow up in the dysfunctional family he was born into.  He deserved to have happy and healthy parents that could help him grow up to be a happy, confident young man.  He has struggled with depression, bullying, and anxiety. 

Being born into these families does not necessarily mean that these children are doomed to a screwed up life.  But what it does mean is that they are all going to have to struggle and work a lot harder than kids in a more healthy family environment.   Things that come naturally to some of their peers will and have been more of a struggle.

Epilogue:  My SO's oldest daughter is off at her freshman year of college and loves it.  My SO's younger daughter has begun to exert her independence and set boundaries with her mother... .it's tough because her mom is an adult and she is just a 14 year old kid but she is modeling healthy behaviors.  Both have a good relationship with their dad (my SO)

My ex has been sober 3 years.  My son is working part-time and putting himself through Community College and keeps on talking to those darn girls out there hoping to find a girlfriend one of these days   

Again I will say this is a very personal choice and I am sure you will get varying responses to your question.  It is really up to you and your husband what the answer is for you.  I will say in my opinion you are not ready now.  Your husband will need to do a lot of work on his own and then you will have to work together to create a marriage that is an emotionally healthy place to bring a child into.

I'm looking forward to hearing what other members have to say.

[Infern0]

In my opinion this is something that you should shelf for now.

The thing that stuck out to me was your comment about bringing children into this environment.

In many cases the reason people end up personality disordered is because they have bad parenting. In my case she had a father who is textbook NPD and a bipolar mother. 

My own mother is BPD and that grew me up to be codependent.

It's good that you're partner is getting help,  maybe you could come back to making this decision after he's been in therapy a while longer and made more progress

[maxen]

hi Foolishwizdom. as the others have said, this is a very personal decision. however, i also agree with the others that you should think very carefully about it.

we too wanted children. i wanted one, she wanted more, but we wanted children. but when the time came i got cold feet. by then my wife's drinking, spending, and housekeeping problems were interfering in our life as a couple. i couldn't in conscience start a family with her, especially as i was also taking care of my mother (95 at the time). but she didn't see the risk either. i was said "it takes money to raise a child", and she didn't answer. i said "if we have a child you'll take to your bed and become a queen" and she laughed. of my mother she was a little jealous. she just didn't seem to understand what a fully engaged partnership would look like, and how my life in particular would have to be arranged (she didn't have parental obligations). maybe i failed in trust or love but i think the conditions i've just described were sufficient reasons for balking.

your situation seems better - your h is aware and in treatment. but you're still putting out a lot of emotional energy as it is. have you gone through with him in detail how raising a family would look?