New here and very weary

[Bafflednomore]

Hello everyone,  I am so happy I found this forum.  I am a stepmother of a 17 year old daughter who was DX with Bpd last year.  My husband and I are barely hanging on and we have two other children, a 13 y.o daughter and 11 y.o son (who has Down Syndrome).  My stepdaughter's mother was DX with BPD/ Bi-Polar 5 years ago.  My husband and I have been married for 15 years, and it has been one crisis after another.  I was hospitalized last month with severe depression and anxiety. I am here to glean wisdom and hopefully to be an encouragement.  I'm a bit raw now, but am recovering.  I will start by asking if anyone here has divorced because of this situation and if so, why and what was the final straw?  I love my husband and it was made clear to me that it was Gods will that we marry. She was 2 when we were engaged but had no idea that our lives would be this challenging.  What's more is our parenting styles are completely opposite. He is permissive and indulgent and I believe in consequences and respect.  I have been the punching bag and evil stepmother for too long and my mental health and physical health in caring for my son has reached it's limit. ANY advice would be appreciated with making decisions on whether to stay or go.  Yes, she is 17, but from the pattern of my husbands "promises" that when she's 18 she'll be gone, that is not going to happen.  Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Bafflednomore, 

You've dealt with a lot of stress for 15 years now, it sounds like, and seem at your limit. Being hospitalized yourself for anxiety and depression would seem like a huge    to your husband but I get the sense that not much has changed? Is your SD's biological mom still in the picture, or is it for all intents and purposes that you have been her mom since she was a baby?

Your H sounds like he's more enabling than helping. Does this also translate to your other children, or is it more focused around SD17? Has your husband expressed interest in learning about BPD, or is it just you? We can't change your H, but we can certainly support you in dealing with your SD. I get the sense from what you are saying that she isn't going to get "the boot" at 18, no matter what he says now. You have two other children to take care of, one being special needs. That's a lot to deal with if you feel alone. And it doesn't consider that you also need to take care of yourself.

Turkish

[Bafflednomore]

Thank you, Turkish for your reply  ... .

My husband has detached because he is absolutely exhausted.  He has blamed me a lot for causing trouble, when it is just me trying to stick up for myself.  She accused me of drinking during the day before I went to the hospital, and because I CALMLY denied it, because it wasnt true. I was drinking, NOT TO GET DRUNK and at night after dinner so ic ould get throught the eve without feeling any resentment. she went into a frenzy and left the house with her car (with a suspended license) and didn't come home on a school night until 1am.  He said he was "disgusted" with me after she slammed the door. That is when I decided I can't bear this environment anymore.  Her mother is out of the picture yes, because she is a swindler, abusive and outrageously selfish.  not to mention bill collectors are after her.  My 13 y.o has been depressed and walks on eggshells, because she doesn't want to "stress out her dad or cause a fight". My SD told her that "cutting herself helped her to feel less depressed and my stepdaughter complied. When I discovered this horror, I told my husband and he resented that I said his daughter advised it, my 13 y.o "should no better" HE WAS MAD A T US.  He DOES know about the BPD, in fact he discovered this DX and set up therapy (because I disengaged) I thought that after my 3 week hospital stay and nervous breakdown things would change, he even said "Tell me what you need" declared his commitment to me and his love for me.  But I am constantly anxious and he still enables her.  For example, he had oral surgery last Wed. 3 days after I came home.  Because princess found out the night before she didn't have her usual ride to school, DH said "he was driving her".  She doesn't EVER take the bus, because she "wouldn't ever be able to get up on time and he doesn't want to have a war every day". This is typical and the oppression I feel in my own home to this tyrannical spoiled narcissist and her Disney Dad has and will never end.  I feel trapped because my son adores my DH and my other daughter too. WE have a mostly perfect marriage and life EXCEPT when it comes to his daughter and I'm not exaggerating.  When she is gone, we are joyful, when she comes home, eggshells. Sorry for the rambling, I am going to my Psychaitrist today and see a Christian counselor Friday, but thought maybe someone on here has been or did leave their husband after discovering that it will never change and has reached their outer limit.  Thank you all so much- you all are my heroes!  

[Bafflednomore]

Just re read this, sorry for all the typos- I am a college grad, my spellcheck is my worst enema! 

[lever.]

Hello Bafflednomore  

This does sound difficult. I have no magic answers and I can't  begin to answer big questions about the future of your marriage but I just want to let you know that you have found a good place with a lot of helpful support and information.

One thing I learned when first posting here is that if you are attempting to solve a big problem start by taking tiny little steps.

There are tools to the right of the page---> which may help you communicate more easily with your stepdaughter.

There is also advice when dealing with someone with BPD not to Justify (yourself), Argue, Defend or Explain, so if she makes accusations it is probably best not to rise to the bait.

It sounds as if yourself and your husband are pushing each other to opposite extremes in your parenting. You see him failing to set boundaries and allowing his daughter to walk over everyone else and attempt to set firmer boundaries. He sees you doing this and perhaps feels that you are being too strict at the expense of understanding-so he goes even more lenient.

This is a bit counter-intuitive but have you thought about experimenting with letting go of the responsible role of setting boundaries and spending time validating your step-daughter. It would be interesting to see if he then starts to enforce boundaries.

Will your husband read? Would he read the information on here too?

If your marriage is generally good it would be sad to give up without trying a few more strategies.

However from my experience this will not magically go away when your SD turns 18-and it will continue to have an impact on family relationships.

Many of us have experienced periods of anxiety and depression in response to dealing with BPD-you will get a lot of understanding of your situation here.

[Kate4queen]

I was once the parent who did all the enabling for my BPD son. I was so busy trying to keep the peace, to stop him raging or picking on my other children that I almost resented my husband for trying to stand up for himself and lay down the law and be reasonable. I resented him because deep down I knew he was right and that I was making matters worse. But I was terrified.

My husband almost checked out of our marriage for 3 years. He was there, but he wasn't really involved. Eventually, having no one else to paint black, my son turned on me and I saw what everyone else had been seeing for the previous 10 years.

So I'm not excusing your husband-he's obviously not handling this well- but I can kind of see where your husband is coming from. He's probably so terrified and full of F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) that he thinks if he lets go all hell will break loose. And it will if he does realize fully what he is doing as I did.

I think if you want your marriage to survive, you and your husband need to get some counseling and you, too need someone to vent to about all this.

I woke up, I realized what I'd been doing and I feel terrible for what I did with the best of intentions just trying to keep my family together. My son no longer lives with us. We pay rent and he shares an apartment with his younger brother, the only other member of our family who still speaks to him.

I wish you all the best, I really do.