Packages in the mail and internal condemnation

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We got an unsolicited (needless to say) package from Amazon today, from my uBPDmil, with whom we are (on our side) in NC. It was a copy of the self-published "The Devil's Dilemma: The Causes and Consequences of Adult Children Abandoning Their Parents" by someone named Sharon Wildey. DH doesn't want anything his mother sends (she periodically sends gifts, some of them more pointed than others), but before it got thrown away, I leafed through it to see what the credentials and general bent of the book was.

It was hilariously bad. Extremely poorly edited, with all kinds of really sad testimonials from people who felt their children had dumped them out of cruelty. Now, many of these people may be mentally sound, and some of them may be seeing their situation clearly. But several of the quotes chosen for the book were rather indicative of emotional imbalance or even outright disorder in some cases.

All that aside, I noticed something interesting about the way I processed one of the author's repeated emphases. She states, multiple times, that if you (the abandoned parent) go to get advice from a therapist, pastor, or other figure, and that adviser dares to ask you if you may have contributed to the problem with your adult child, that that adviser is not worth listening to and you should run the other way.

Now, this struck a sore spot with me - because, of all things to tell someone who has a PD or other mental/emotional health difficulty, recommending categorical rejection of anyone in authority implying even partial responsibility for the outcome of one's actions is just... .augh. AUGH. Going along with this was the repeated accusation that the offending adult child would surely be holding a "nearly religious belief" that the parent had wronged them and could not be allowed close, and that a friend/love interest, counselor, or religious cult leader had led them astray in this way. AUGHHHHH.

The weird part, though, was that I found myself dwelling on this for a couple of hours after I'd skimmed the book. Found myself arguing with the author, in my own head. It wasn't until a while later that I realized that I was - even in the safety and privacy of my own head - allowing this self-styled expert to not only force me to defend myself and my husband, but that I was allowing this sad little book to define the boundaries of the whole argument. I had been trying to convince this bitter author that she hadn't covered her bases and that if only she could hear all the particulars of our story - from both sides - that she wouldn't be so adamant that we were terrible people who had needlessly cut off my uBPDmil who only did the best she could and loved us forever and dearly.

Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped in my tracks (nearly burnt dinner while I thought hard) and told myself, "Claudia, you do remember that you and Duffy are not the only people who have cut off Duffy's mom? That not only have many of her other family members found it necessary to do so, but multiple old family friends, neighbors, and brief acquaintances have all cut off all contact to protect themselves and their families, and in some occasions had to report her words and actions to mediating authorities? That this cannot possibly be the two of you just being cruel and heartless people?"

That "fetched me round," as the saying goes, and I was able to throw the book out of my brain, too, at that point. Someday it'll take much less than two hours for me to remember that I do not have to defend myself against stupid accusations - especially ones that create false storylines - and most especially those that are just from some ill-advised book or blog I happened to read!

[claudiaduffy]

We got an unsolicited (needless to say) package from Amazon today, from my uBPDmil, with whom we are (on our side) in NC. It was a copy of the self-published "The Devil's Dilemma: The Causes and Consequences of Adult Children Abandoning Their Parents" by someone named Sharon Wildey. DH doesn't want anything his mother sends (she periodically sends gifts, some of them more pointed than others), but before it got thrown away, I leafed through it to see what the credentials and general bent of the book was.

It was hilariously bad. Extremely poorly edited, with all kinds of really sad testimonials from people who felt their children had dumped them out of cruelty. Now, many of these people may be mentally sound, and some of them may be seeing their situation clearly. But several of the quotes chosen for the book were rather indicative of emotional imbalance or even outright disorder in some cases.

All that aside, I noticed something interesting about the way I processed one of the author's repeated emphases. She states, multiple times, that if you (the abandoned parent) go to get advice from a therapist, pastor, or other figure, and that adviser dares to ask you if you may have contributed to the problem with your adult child, that that adviser is not worth listening to and you should run the other way.

Now, this struck a sore spot with me - because, of all things to tell someone who has a PD or other mental/emotional health difficulty, recommending categorical rejection of anyone in authority implying even partial responsibility for the outcome of one's actions is just... .augh. AUGH. Going along with this was the repeated accusation that the offending adult child would surely be holding a "nearly religious belief" that the parent had wronged them and could not be allowed close, and that a friend/love interest, counselor, or religious cult leader had led them astray in this way. AUGHHHHH.

The weird part, though, was that I found myself dwelling on this for a couple of hours after I'd skimmed the book. Found myself arguing with the author, in my own head. It wasn't until a while later that I realized that I was - even in the safety and privacy of my own head - allowing this self-styled expert to not only force me to defend myself and my husband, but that I was allowing this sad little book to define the boundaries of the whole argument. I had been trying to convince this bitter author that she hadn't covered her bases and that if only she could hear all the particulars of our story - from both sides - that she wouldn't be so adamant that we were terrible people who had needlessly cut off my uBPDmil who only did the best she could and loved us forever and dearly.

Once I realized what I was doing, I stopped in my tracks (nearly burnt dinner while I thought hard) and told myself, "Claudia, you do remember that you and Duffy are not the only people who have cut off Duffy's mom? That not only have many of her other family members found it necessary to do so, but multiple old family friends, neighbors, and brief acquaintances have all cut off all contact to protect themselves and their families, and in some occasions had to report her words and actions to mediating authorities? That this cannot possibly be the two of you just being cruel and heartless people?"

That "fetched me round," as the saying goes, and I was able to throw the book out of my brain, too, at that point. Someday it'll take much less than two hours for me to remember that I do not have to defend myself against stupid accusations - especially ones that create false storylines - and most especially those that are just from some ill-advised book or blog I happened to read!

[Pingo]

Wow, Claudia, what a passive aggressive thing for you MIL to do!  I can imagine how upsetting that must have been.  I can imagine my mother doing something like that!  Crazy!  I'm sorry that you have to deal with that but good on you for being able to toss the book and the opinions of that author!  I know what it is like trying to explain yourself and getting no where fast.  Best to let it go as fast as possible.

[claudiaduffy]

Yeah.  We can usually tell when it's a package from her, because she lists my husband's full name (with middle name) in the address form, so really what we want to do is throw the packages out without even opening them to see what they are. I didn't this time, because with Christmas right around the corner and a book I was expecting in the mail, I wanted to check and make sure it wasn't something I'd ordered through DH's Amazon account. Next time I'll know better!