How did you end up in a recycle with your ex? Or did you see it coming & avoid?

[Elpis]

I ask this because I feel like that's what my uBPDh is trying to do, lure me back in, and i'm wondering if that's how recycles work.

Of course since I spent 38 years married to the man there are ties of kids and grandkids etc., so that's been harder to walk away from (like I said, 38 years!)

while he is doing things to the house that I wanted done but he'd never do while I was there, he isn't treating me any better. Things are still my fault, and he has clearly roped in our neighbors to his pity party of how mistreated he has been, how I've never understood, etc. It's quite a load of bull, but he can't possibly be at fault, right? I went by to pick up my 26 year old son (yup, still at home, and my uBPDh won't be trying to help him move on, he provides too many services) when the neighbors came home. She saying to my son, "We still want you to come over for dinner!" while I was thinking, hmmm, they never asked us to come over for dinner when I was still at home... .

I know I need to stay strong to keep myself emotionally safe, and I think hearing how this recycle thing has worked or not worked on you might help me.

Stories anyone?

[Splitblack4good]

I've now had 4 recycles with my ex BPD gf and I ended it for good this time . It really does depend on how your feeling towards them and to what reasons you split in the first place .

I found that the first recycle wasn't to bad and they sort of work on what you have said and they do the same but then one of you will bring up the problem again in the first argument in my case started by her and they test you even more on how far they can push before you leave again .

2nd recycle she again sabotaged it with mind games and double standards .

3rd recycle I started to build up a wall to her b/s and antics and had a bit of experience at this point and the tables turned around were she was begging me to the point it was like worship the king ! Then she would push the limits again .

4th recycle both me and her were exhausted and by this point I was so conffused found I was getting angry at her because I could tell and see thru the lies and b/s and had no trust left once she knew this she started to devalue me went cold over night so went on a break I knew it was over but she wanted to keep her options open so to speak so as soon as she started an argument BANG ! I ended it said so many things to her that were so bad it would hurt her so she couldn't come back later and she hated it .

All I will say is every recycle ends up with more problems than before without being resolved then before you know it you have a massive list of problems to then a massive resentment coz she won't change or do what she said she would and it is never ending ! .

[Mutt]

I recall asking this question to a member out of curiosity Ironmanfalls AKA Ironmanrises.

He said that the idealization phase and devaluation phases are more intense.

Because old patterns weren't working in the r/s with a pwBPD.

Was this similar to your experiences Splitblack4good? It made logical sense to me.

Very early in the b/u I had briefly played with the idea. After hearing that it sealed it for me.

Once was enough for me. Been there done that and got the t-shirt 

[Splitblack4good]

I recall asking this question to a member out of curiosity Ironmanfalls AKA Ironmanrises.

He said that the idealization phase and devaluation phases are more intense.

Because old patterns weren't working in the r/s with a pwBPD.

Was this similar to your experiences Splitblack4good? It made logical sense to me.

Hi mutt Yes definatly the idolisation and devaluation stages are more intense .it feels like there was nothing meaningfull in between its only when she started being cold and wasn't responding to my texts or wasn't arguing with me . I noticed she was devaluing me you realise then it's over . She thought I wasn't paying attention and she was in full control . As soon as she said lets have a break I knew exactly what she had in mind and that was to leave me but only when she had my replacement on the hook so as soon as she started saying things like I'm not sure we can be freinds on our break etc I made her react my saying something negative then I unleashed hell on her verbally ! And ended it and protecting myself and my believes at the time almost testing her and push pull etc to see if she did love me or not . Turns out she didn't she got with my replacement within 12hours ! Gave me the answer I needed and of course she is still lashing out at me now texting me things like I hate you I never loved you anyway , you just used me etc . Tells me never to contact her again but then texts me !

I did the right thing before it was to late I had a lucky escape but I made my escape .

[Xidion]

I believe my ex was attempting to triangulate. I found out she texting a number a lot over the a 2 week span. She lied about it twice. So I called the number, found out who it was and she broke up with me.  Had I believed her lies, we would probably still be together but I would be getting cheated on. She only bolted after I found out. Now she is in a relationship with him and Lord is he ugly as they come.

[Infared]

My expwBPD replaced me before leaving. Moved in immediately with replacement. We lived nearby, but after the devaluation started I maintained absolute NC at all cost. (I was in a terrible amount of pain and missed her terribly).

About a year out of the r/s she did a psycho Triple drive-by when I was outside at my car (she had a new car and therefore thought that I was unaware - ALWAYS the crafty "I'm smarter than him" manipulating and plotting). I shot her down when she pulled in and tried to get out of her car... .but then I caved and ended up talking to her on the phone. She was making overtures to spend time with me (new supply gone for weekend) and was devaluing me at the same time. As much as the whole event emotionally destroyed me, I was able to say that I would not spend any time with her because if I did I would not be being a very good friend to ME, that she was living with another man.

I guess that I had a shred of self esteem left!    

[Splitblack4good]

I believe my ex was attempting to triangulate. I found out she texting a number a lot over the a 2 week span. She lied about it twice. So I called the number, found out who it was and she broke up with me.  Had I believed her lies, we would probably still be together but I would be getting cheated on. She only bolted after I found out. Now she is in a relationship with him and Lord is he ugly as they come.

I think maybe that is what my ex was up to she suggested a break when I agreed no wonder she was happy . Although she did say she may regret it 6 months down the line . In other words il be nice to him and I will stay in contact and il see if I can get into another relationship if I do then I'll dump him ! Or if it fails I can go back to him no harm done ! How ever I saw this way before she thought I did then I rumbled her ! And now she is being the devil texts me something horrible at least once a week to get some sort of reaction ! I just laugh now coz if she was truly happy with my replacement she wouldn't be texting me full stop .

[Elpis]

This is all so interesting, but in a really scary way!

I think my uBPDh is different in that he sees me as his best and only solution to his problems. So he will keep saying "I love you" and doing projects he couldn't be bothered to finish when I was at home, but then he does these random arse-hole things like texting me really mean crap if I don't respond to him when and how he wants. Today he knew I was with a friend at coffee and he starts texting me his goofy stuff where he thinks I should go "hahaha! listen to this funny thing my husband is saying!" and when I clearly haven't responded like that because I wrote one sentence saying "i'll pick my stuff up tomorrow." I was in such a hurry to leave the house today before he got home from work that I left my ipad there, fortunately I have it passworded, and then he drove up a bit early and caught me putting something in my car. So I made nice (foolish foolish Elpis!) for a few minutes, and said I was off to meet a friend.

After I didn't respond his way he starts heaping on abusive stuff about how I just use him for HIS paycheck and HIS money (California is a community property state and we were married 38 years, so not quite "HIS", more like OURS.) and I don't even do anything like work. i'm on disability for fibromyalgia, so that's true, I don't have a job. Of course I pretty much wiped that arse of his for 38 years, and raised kids and did foster care etc... .all kinda jobs really.

And he has the nerve to start up again just as he was going to bed and saying "I love you, but" and tells me how small I make him feel when I won't answer him.

He called 4 times during his earlier text-frenzy too.

I find it a telling thing that in most guys' recycles the great parts were even better and the bad parts even worse, and that they happened more quickly. My h seems to be doing that at some sort of manic rate--nice for 5 minutes at 3 pm, then mean at 4:30 till 6:30, then mean again at 9:30. Maybe he's trying to set some sort of record?

Thank you all for weighing in--it's good to keep in mind! Of course, him making those douche moves helps me remember why I can't ever be with him again too... .

Thank you all for your input!

[evilpepsi]

i refuse to allow her to come back unless she is getting help. im so over it and already moving on... .

[Elpis]

evilpepsi, that makes some pretty good sense!

My uBPDh has been in weekly counseling for nearly 10 months now, and everything is still my fault. I think that may be a sign of some kind!

[Theo41]

Evilpepsi has a good and straight forward response. The keys are: do you want them back and are they getting help (DBT).

In my situation, my uBPDw frantically avoids abandonment. Also, i love her and care for her deeply. When things have gotten so bad that I have to leave (3-4x) she has recycled me very effectively. She will beg, plead, say she's having a nervous breakdown, claim she's at risk of committing suicide, and on one occasion even threatened me.

So, she's very hard to leave. THEO

[peiper]

After five or six recycles I realize that every time she called wanting to come back it wasn't out of love. It was her need to have someone, anyone. Right after this last split I found out she had a boyfriend. I would imagine she had boyfriends during the other splits that didn't work out, so she calls up ole pepper to fill the void. Not going to happen again.

[Infared]

After five or six recycles I realize that every time she called wanting to come back it wasn't out of love. It was her need to have someone, anyone. Right after this last split I found out she had a boyfriend. I would imagine she had boyfriends during the other splits that didn't work out, so she calls up ole pepper to fill the void. Not going to happen again.

This would also be my experience. Mine ran off with new supply, lying to me. 1-1/2 years later her new supply goes away for the weekend and she apparently cannot be alone for two days (I am sure he is the villain to her for those two days). So, to relieve her loneliness (perceived abandonment), she does multiple drive-by events at my home, (I had maintained absolute NC for over one year). She alternately tries to hook me and then abuses me. I see that as she is soo needy and fearful of abandonment and at the same time she loathed herself,  but instead of facing any of this she was just unloading it on everyone around her, desperately trying to fill that need, seducing, attacking, whatever. If they are attractive  it adds to their power as they can repeatedly "act out", get lots of needed attention,  negative or positive, it doesn't matter. Anything fills them up. Temporarily.

It's pretty twisted.

Meanwhile her new supply has no idea who she is or how she is acting. I determined her status and I turned her away, (not an easy thing to do, as I had deeply loved her, was alone and was taken by surprise with the unannounced drive-byes). I, no doubt, saved myself buckets of pain and confusion there, (even at that, it was an extremely upsetting event for me). She no doubt, went looking elsewhere to fill the void. Of course, I am a monster.  

The level of sickness and self-centeredness is extreme.

[Deeno02]

As she so beautifully quoted "When Im done, Im done". Been 4 months now, havent seen or heard from her. Thank god. The looking over my shoulder is begining to wear off now... .

[Elpis]

This sentence, Infared:

She alternately tries to hook me and then abuses me

My uBPDh does this constantly lately! in fact, it can be in the same run of text messages he's telling me he loves me while he also tells me how I'm so disrespectful and just using him for his money. (we have been married for 38 years and I've been out of the house since mid Feb.) That's me, just a user! But at least he "still loves me"!

Shouldn't I be in that being idealized stage? Somehow he's skipped that part!

[Elpis]

I found that the first recycle wasn't to bad and they sort of work on what you have said and they do the same but then one of you will bring up the problem again in the first argument in my case started by her and they test you even more on how far they can push before you leave again .



All I will say is every recycle ends up with more problems than before without being resolved then before you know it you have a massive list of problems to then a massive resentment coz she won't change or do what she said she would and it is never ending ! .

Splitblack this is the original cautionary tale! I was always very "hope springs eternal!" but after enough decades go by and it's just getting harder not easier, I guess even such a hopeful one as me has to realize my love will never be enough to "fix" anything.

Theo, they do make it hard for us to detach, for sure. Otherwise I wouldn't have been married so long. Trouble was, I thought I was helping him by staying and taking care of him and trying to be a good wife, but I guess it really didn't--it's just kept him from figuring out how to take care of himself and not blame everyone and everything else for what's wrong in his life. Plus it had gotten to where there were no good times, it was all stress and wondering if I dared to say anything or would he become adversarial?

He needed me, but not because of who I am. Many people like me, I have plenty of friends, but to hear him when he was in a rage you'd think I was some serial killer! The worst most unsupportive person ever!

Xidion and Peiper, sounds like you were filling your exes need to have somebody. I know it comes from their disorder, but dang, that doesn't make it hurt less. My uBPDh seems to think I am the only one who can take care of him, there have been times when I wished he'd find somebody else. But it seems to boil down to the same thing, since our pwBPD don't understand reciprocal love, we will never be adequate for them, and we will never get our needs filled.

We are all soo in this together, aren't we?

[Turkish]

We recycled exactly once. I remember making plans, even if I had to stay in one of those strip mile motels with hourly rates until i could get an apartment. I said a goodbye to her friends. Then she texted me, "if you really loved me, wouldn't you try to make it work?" She broke up with me. I went away for the weekend, we came back and decided to give it a go... .with me going into therapy. Well, we were both supposed to go, but she abandoned me to it.  

No, I didn't see it coming. I was very confused when she texted me that, like I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Like a fool, I did what she wanted me to do rather than going with my gut and moving out that week. She was pregnant with S4 around 4 months later.

I had a baby relationship compared to your 4 decades, Elpis. You've got a lot more riding on this. Is there any hint of that tiny Elpis inside of you which thinks going back would be a good idea, even with conditions?

[Elpis]

Not really.

[Elpis]

I mean, if this is him trying to get me back, what's it gonna be like when he decides to get mean?

[Pingo]

Elpis, we almost split up a yr and a half ago.  I think the intensity of the pain I felt with the thought of losing him made me stay in the r/s as I mistakenly thought that pain meant we were meant to work it out.  So we decided to jump right in with both feet and get married! And things were amazing for a few mths.  And then the old crap started again, only worse.  We finally split in January this past yr (8 mths into our marriage).  I was talked into a recycle about 2 mths later.  Because I hadn't decided deep down that I had had enough I guess.  He found the little spot where I was uncertain and played his part.  He was remorseful and promised to get counselling, etc, etc.  I let him come back reluctantly but truthfully I wasn't ready and I think he sensed it.  His possessive and overwhelming behaviour was at an all time high and he was being secretive and suspicious.  I think the BU damaged the security he had felt which triggered his behaviours to the extreme.  Things were never right again.  After 2 mths back together and a physically abusive fight I said that's enough and kicked him out again. That was 6 mths ago.  I was certain this time and he knew it.  He had actually been lying to me, which I found out a couple of mths later.  He had lived with his exgf after our first BU and never told me.  And went back there after our last BU.  Made me sick that I had allowed him back into my bed not knowing this.  He went cold NC until just recently and started to harass me so I threatened a RO on him and haven't heard a peep since.

[Elpis]

Wow, Pingo--

it doesn't sound like the recycle thing ever "sticks." I would have to either be cray-cray or a saint   to try this relationship again. There are so many things he has said at odd moments that sounded like he might be catching on that something is wrong with what he's doing, but he always slides right back to His Way. Masochist, that's the other thing I would have to be... .I'm pretty sure the unfaithful thing hasn't been a part of our mess, I mean, it's my fault that he didn't even want to have sex with me even though I was still interested. I know that doesn't mean anything, but he's real big on faithfulness because his first wife cheated. And i'm sure if he remarries it will all STILL be my fault for whatever goes wrong between them!

Sounds like you also shut down your instincts just to get along and stay together, just like me... .

I at least am finally starting to feel like there is a future for me, hopefully a less harassed one. 

[vortex of confusion]

I am still with mine. Every time I resolve to leave or let him know that I am serious, he will step up his game until I am lulled back into my comfort zone.

He is currently in a 12 step program and is seeing a therapist. And, he is being nicer to me and the kids. Just tonight, he was hounding me with, "I have been working really hard at trying to be nicer to you. Have you noticed?" I didn't think of this at the time but it later hit me, "Why is it so hard for him to be nice to me? Am I that horrible of a person?"

I told him that I wasn't going to get comfortable and that he wasn't off the hook. I asked him why this time was different than all of the other times that he has hit rock bottom. He proceeded to go on and on and about how great he is doing and how much effort he is making and how hard he tries to be nice to me and the kids. It is like he beats me over the head with how great he is doing at everything. To be perfectly honest, I don't see that much difference but I am trying to be patient. I pointed out that every time we have gotten to this point he feeds me the same line, "But this time will be different."

Mine is so good at stringing me along and making me feel guilty for not giving him enough time. I think I have given him adequate time. I am definitely interested seeing other responses so that I can prepare myself mentally so I don't get sucked back in and abandon working on my exit strategy.

[Elpis]

I think the thing that has been so badly missing from our relationship equation is that he has never appeared to be remorseful. He can say and do the meanest things, act the next minute like everything is good, and never apologize for calling me names or belittling me.

THAT would be a change!

[Deeno02]

I think the thing that has been so badly missing from our relationship equation is that he has never appeared to be remorseful. He can say and do the meanest things, act the next minute like everything is good, and never apologize for calling me names or belittling me.

THAT would be a change!

Why would they? Dont you know its all our fault? Silly... .

[seenoevil]

I am trying so hard right now to prevent from the recycle.  She has been staying with her parents for the last few days, but she stopped by the house today and tried to seduce me into having sex.  She got upset when I refused.  This is the second time it happens in 3 weeks. it didn't work the first time either because I told her I'm serious this time. 

She threatens to tell our daughter that I'm the one breaking up the family and abandoning them.  Nothing is her fault.  She is still 'willing to try it', but I have no trust in her.  I have given her plenty of chances to change, but only now that I filed for divorcee she is taking it serious. 

I don't trust myself.  I wish I could be stronger and not be afraid of falling back into the recycle.  I have fell too many times before and nothing changes.  So far I have been able to refuse, but I'm still not sure I will be able to.  My D13 is also asking me to try it again. 

I don't see enough remorse.  She is not admitting that her behavior is wrong, but she started seeing a therapist.  I have to be strong.  I can't go back to the life I had with her and I don't trust her to change.  If she does, it will only be temporary.

[Elpis]

Seenoevil,

that's exactly my uBPDh's style! No movement toward improvement when I asked for us to get help during the marriage, but i leave and suddenly he's the poster child for counseling. But he still hasn't actually changed how he views me or treats me at all. Just going to counseling and assuming it's all good now is like standing in the garage and assuming you'll become a car. (Well, maybe not, but in my brain that made sense--)

Don't you think it's okay that you're concerned about not being strong enough, because clearly you ARE strong enough, you haven't given in. Maybe that concern will help you stay strong and not be lulled back into the relationship. And we even have to let go of the worry that they will tell lies to our children--because they will. That's pretty much a sure thing. But you will model the truth of your relationship with your daughter to her, despite what her mother tells her.

Deeno,

I know! "Silly Elpis... ."