after almost 3 months contact

[willtimeheal]

It's been almost three months since I have heard from my ex BPDgf. She left me for a replacement while we were still together. In the last three months she has gotten a dwi, had to leave work because of it, and lost most of her friends she had.

She wrote me last night wishing we a happy holiday season and saying I am thought of. That her life is where it is... .a good place... .because we once loved one another. ... .insert vomit here.

Why contact me if life is so good?  I hope it is for her kids sake. But in all honesty the only thing I could think was her dwi case is coming up and she is scared and needs someone to talk to... .sorry won't be me. Her replacement wasn't all that... .I am never going back sorry.  And she is going to lose her job as soon as the case goes through so soon she will have no income... .I already supported her and she repeatedly left me and cheated on me... .sorry no more.

It made me sad for her... .and realize how distorted and delusional she is. Here she is saying she is thankful for where she is and she is about to lose everything. I don't know maybe she got the replacement to marry her. Who knows. But just leave me out of it.

[Splitblack4good]

It's been almost three months since I have heard from my ex BPDgf. She left me for a replacement while we were still together. In the last three months she has gotten a dwi, had to leave work because of it, and lost most of her friends she had.

She wrote me last night wishing we a happy holiday season and saying I am thought of. That her life is where it is... .a good place... .because we once loved one another. ... .insert vomit here.

Why contact me if life is so good?  I hope it is for her kids sake. But in all honesty the only thing I could think was her dwi case is coming up and she is scared and needs someone to talk to... .sorry won't be me. Her replacement wasn't all that... .I am never going back sorry.  And she is going to lose her job as soon as the case goes through so soon she will have no income... .I already supported her and she repeatedly left me and cheated on me... .sorry no more.

It made me sad for her... .and realize how distorted and delusional she is. Here she is saying she is thankful for where she is and she is about to lose everything. I don't know maybe she got the replacement to marry her. Who knows. But just leave me out of it.

Fair play to you I don't blame you for not wanting her back .

Some ppl on here take years to let go . Was it 3 months ago she left ? Or 3 months since you had contact ?

I've been away a month from my ex and every day I build more resent for her and just ignoring her now if she does text etc I think 3 for months for me and I won't even remember her . Her last text to me was demanding something she still thinks she can control me NO WAY not anymore .

[willtimeheal]

We were together for six years. During t time she lied manipulated and cheated. I broke it off in September of this year. I have been NC for three months.

I do have to say it made me feel good knowing I was thought of. But I do realize I can never go back. I never want the eggshell or stress feeling again. I never want to be somewhere and look at my watch and be like oh no got to get home or she will rage. That isn't living. I realize that now. It only took six years but I get it . 

I saw this saying and it makes me smile because I like to think that maybe just maybe she realizes what she lost... .

You might find better than me. You might find worse than me. But you will never find another one like me.

[Splitblack4good]

My ex had the whole time issue thing bad if I said I'd be home by 6 and got back 15mins or so late she would ignore me for an hour huff then say you were late by 14 mins ! Your not even sorry are you ! Or you just don't care do you ! Or the worst one was I just want you to do what you say your gona do for once !

I remember I went to see a mate of mine one day (that was rare ) said I'd be home by 5 and as I didn't want anymore abuse I thought I'd leave my mates early to get back by 5 . It just so happens mums house was on my route back home . I was making very good time to be back by 5 so I thought I'd swing by my mums to pick my mail up and say a quick hello BIG MISTAKE ! Just as I was leaving my mums house (was still on target to be home by 5) she rang me and said were are you ? I told her I left my mates and swung by mums to say hello but am on way home now . Her response was What the heck ! You told me you were at your mates house ! You should of then come home ! Or at least rang me to say what you were doing !

To be honest looking back on all that I used to put up with I don't want all that again either if she tried to come back . I do miss her but not enough to warrant all that sort of behaviour .

I even remember an instance one were I went and stayed at my mums for one night after we had a big argument went round ther to reconcile the next day and because I'd left my tooth brush at my mums house she flipped and acussed me of abandoning her ! I could never win ! I did the right thing it was wrong if I did the wrong thing it was very wrong and get acussed of not caring ! Man am I glad I'm out of it all now .

I just hope my replacement knows what he's got himself into !

[willtimeheal]

I just don't understand. If l if  is so great... .why contact me at all?  Just leave me be. I am doing just fine.

[Splitblack4good]

I just don't understand. If l if  is so great... .why contact me at all?  Just leave me be. I am doing just fine.

It's all about control they still like to know they have a hold on you and that you still think of them . Even a negative response from you will be enough as you have made the point of contact they are sick ppl !

[fred6]

I just don't understand. If l if  is so great... .why contact me at all?  Just leave me be. I am doing just fine.

No telling really. She could be testing the waters to see how emotionally invested you still are. She could be baiting you into some drama. She could just be wishing you happy holidays.

I wouldn't worry about why she's contacting you. The main thing to consider is what you do or don't do in response. Ignore her, wish her happy holidays then ignore her, ask her what she want's, or tell her to leave you alone. There really is no right answer. It's all about how you feel at this point.

[willtimeheal]

Honestly, at this point it felt good to know she thinks of me but I never want to go back to that chaos and stress. Ever. I will not respond.

I am happy if her life is great. I honestly don't think it is. She  has a dwi felony charge waiting to go to trial and once that goes through she won't have a job. Part of me wonders if she got the date for the trial and needs a solid ear to talk to. Sorry that door closed after you cheated and lied to me again and left me again for someone else. I was the most stable person in her and her kids life. I gab  Her a chance for a normal life... .I was dragged into hell and I clawed mg way out in fact I am still clawing... .I am never going back there.

[LuckyEscapee]

She's fishing for a response, and more than likely information. The cause of the contact was unlikely to be about you, and more about her and fulfilling her needs. Stay NC and save yourself the stress and drama.

[Splitblack4good]

Honestly, at this point it felt good to know she thinks of me but I never want to go back to that chaos and stress. Ever. I will not respond.

I am happy if her life is great. I honestly don't think it is. She  has a dwi felony charge waiting to go to trial and once that goes through she won't have a job. Part of me wonders if she got the date for the trial and needs a solid ear to talk to. Sorry that door closed after you cheated and lied to me again and left me again for someone else. I was the most stable person in her and her kids life. I gab  Her a chance for a normal life... .I was dragged into hell and I clawed mg way out in fact I am still clawing... .I am never going back there.

ive got to admit the more days,weeks and months go by you see it clear for what they are and what they do and you protect your self worth and your stronger now so good on you stand your ground that's what I'm doing now it's tuff but a MUST !

[willtimeheal]

I noticed too that my friend tagged me in a FB post. And within an hour she had a new post up about how happy she is.

Split... .I have to agree the more time we are away from the mess the more clearly we see things.

I have no idea if she is happy and I cannot worry about it. I am focused on me.

[willtimeheal]

Today I am just annoyed. Annoyed she would have the balls to contact me. To thanks me for our time together and tell me how blessed she feels. I feel that is very rude. We recycled many many times and she knows how those recycles affected me and what I went through when she left me for someone else. How it almost killed me. So to contact me to tell me how blessed she feels to have known me and how it helped her get to where she is today makes  me want to vomit. Do these people have any boundaries?  :)o they care about anyone but themselves?  And I am tire  of hearing about how they don't know any better, grow up. I have  been forced to grow up and go thru hell base  on what she has put me through.

[willtimeheal]

Woke up this morning and I am angry.  I hate her. I hate her for what she put me through.  I hate that I loved her so much that I was willing to settle and put up with the abuse. I hate that I let the cycle continue for years. I hate that I didn't listen to my gut the first time and walk away. I hate her for promising me the world and then crushing mine. I hate how I am still struggling and she seems fine. I am angry!

[guitargrl]

Hi, I just want to respond and say that I am sorry you are feeling angry today!

I too woke up today angry at my exBPDbf…angry and just so deeply sad about

it all…I wrote a letter (didn't send) and by the time I got deep into the letter it

was the same crap as always…and I knew he could never understand, validate

or even care and I just saved it….but felt a little better. I thought before writing

it that I may even send it but soon realized Id be better off to go beat my head

on a brick wall…all I would do is give him the power and validation he wants and

I would be left hurting for ever contacting.  So maybe you could try to just write

out your feelings then go do something nice and healthy for you with all that

emotional intensity inside you….and remember, she is not fine.

[downwhim]

Not sure what I would do if he contacted me after three months. I am painted so black right now and he is off with replacement. I do not want to talk to him. I am getting to the mad stage. Who do these borderlines think they are? Screw up our lives big time and then think we will coming running back to rescue them?

The holidays haunt me right now. Decorating tree and pull his damn stocking out of the box. I wanted to rip it up!  So many years invested, so much time listening, and learning and figuring out how to live with the disease.

My friend said last night, "think about how many times he made you miserable." I am living on that. N/C 2 months and 2 days. I remind myself to be strong. I can't sleep and wake up with a void and feel anxious. It is hard. Holidays are triggering me.

I thought maybe I would send gift cards to his kids. NO! I can't do that, thought I would throw his ring at him. NO! I can't do that either. Trying to figure out how to divert this anger I have. He is an abuser. He took the best thing I had to offer - my love and made a mockery of it. Moved on with her.

[willtimeheal]

I thought about wishing her kids a merry Christmas but I can't. I was such an important part of their lives and they were such an important part of mine. For six years I raised them. I was the only stable person they had. But I can't open or even crack a window to let her know I think about her or them. It would give her the validation she is seeking. Running a race today. Hopefully that will help burn some of this anger. I just am amazed that she feels it is ok to contact me. If life is so great for you then leave me be. Thanks for responding. It means so much.

[downwhim]

I know what you mean, I gave his son a beautiful bedroom set, his daughter a tv and a sign that said "thank heaven for little girls." I was part of their lives for 8 years but he has painted me black to them and has my replacement (that supposedly looks like me - sick) at his house now.

His children were so special to me and last year I tried to make a good Christmas for them. Big dinner, opened presents under my tree and took a family picture with my sons too. Yuck... this sucks big time this year. My 19 year old says, "Mom, I didn't like him, quit thinking about him, don't let him ruin your Christmas," wish my head and heart would stop.

[Splitblack4good]

I thought about wishing her kids a merry Christmas but I can't. I was such an important part of their lives and they were such an important part of mine. For six years I raised them. I was the only stable person they had. But I can't open or even crack a window to let her know I think about her or them. It would give her the validation she is seeking. Running a race today. Hopefully that will help burn some of this anger. I just am amazed that she feels it is ok to contact me. If life is so great for you then leave me be. Thanks for responding. It means so much.

I feel like that about my exes kids looked at me like a dad they are good kids I feel terrible that I have broken promises to them for 2015 all because my ex is so selfish and has already introduced my replacement into Ther lives within days of me leaving do these ppl not realise they are screwing ther kids heads up aswell ?

[Splitblack4good]

I know what you mean, I gave his son a beautiful bedroom set, his daughter a tv and a sign that said "thank heaven for little girls." I was part of their lives for 8 years but he has painted me black to them and has my replacement (that supposedly looks like me - sick) at his house now.

His children were so special to me and last year I tried to make a good Christmas for them. Big dinner, opened presents under my tree and took a family picture with my sons too. Yuck... this sucks big time this year. My 19 year old says, "Mom, I didn't like him, quit thinking about him, don't let him ruin your Christmas," wish my head and heart would stop.

I know what your going thru it's such a shame that the kids have to suffer and it is so conffusing for them my replacement is doing the same . My ex even blamed me for the fact that Xmas this year is now ruined and tried telling me that her and her kids Xmas is Gona be crap ! As she has no money etc . Well she should of thought of that before seeking my replacement this side of Xmas ! I think she must be stupid or was thinking I wouldn't find out .

[downwhim]

Yes, they mess up the kids heads when they discard us so freely and replace us. What lessons are learned here? His kids had a screwed up mom and I thought I could be their stability. I realize now I was in fantasy land. That is not what my ex wanted. A family together? nope. Meals where you ask questions was out too. I came from a large family and dinner was a time that we all talked. My ex would say, "quit quizzing them." I just wanted bonding time. They were to eat, clean their plates and leave. That is how he liked it. That is how he was raised - military -

Last time we broke up his daughter hugged me so long and said, "please don't break up again." We were very close. This breaks my heart right now because she asked if she could be in our wedding. She was 5 when we started dating. Innocent.

I picked his son up at school a few months back when he had a migraine and took care of him all day. I tried to talk to him about what was going on at school and he opened up the issues he was having. My ex told me to butt out. All so sad.

I wonder where his rage goes now that I am not there.

[willtimeheal]

I counted how many days I have been NC.  Today is day 71. It's been 71 days since I have heard her voice seen her face or seen her kids.  I don't miss her so much.  I miss the kids. Last night we had a family Christmas and I felt empty. Not empty for her but for her kids. I miss them so much. I know I can't open that window cuz she will sneak in too but the holidays are going to be harder than I thought. I think I have moved a few steps backwards but I will continue to step forward. Funny thing is even though we were together last year I would have felt the same way I do now. She always pushed away at the holidays and we never spent time together. I can't wait for the holidays to be over.

[downwhim]

Willtimeheal,

Thank you so very much for your post. It could have been mine. It has been 72 days N/C for me. Oh, the pain and emptiness I feel over these holidays. This year is the first year ever I want them all to be over in a hurry. No more engagement commercials! I put the tv on silent, I cry at Christmas songs. I did not get to hear his daughter at her 8th grade recital. I miss so much. The train goes by his house a few blocks away. I hear the same train but in a distance. I miss a boyfriend, touch, saying "we." hearing the word, "babe'" Christmas shopping and then stopping for happy hour. Please make these d... .n holidays hurry... No, it was not perfect but I was a part of someone even if he was so screwed up.

[Infared]

Woke up this morning and I am angry.  I hate her. I hate her for what she put me through.  I hate that I loved her so much that I was willing to settle and put up with the abuse. I hate that I let the cycle continue for years. I hate that I didn't listen to my gut the first time and walk away. I hate her for promising me the world and then crushing mine. I hate how I am still struggling and she seems fine. I am angry!

Don't believe what she says. Observe her actions. She has a DWI. She is losing her job. That is shameful and embarrassing. Her life is no where's near fine... .unless it's this definition of the word:

F'ed up

Insecure

Neurotic &

Emotional   

Now that is her kind of F.I.N.E.

The ONLY reason she is contacting you is to set the hook and play with you like a kitten plays with a mouse. That is the only reason. It's all about her. She is a really sick person.

Give yourself some time... .it's OK to be angry at this point... .you are still preceding this mess. Absolute no contact will keep you moving forward faster... Letting her in or allowing her any avenue of contact will set you back as it is here. Block her anyway that you can and just take care of you. You owe her nothing.

Be well.

[Ripped Heart]

willtimeheal, I remember as a young child, if I did something wrong which upset my mother I would sometimes draw her a picture and write sorry on it. If I did something really bad and got sent to bed early, I would play up in order to get my parents attention just to have that feeling that someone cared. That was 6 year old me, and as I got older I began to understand about consequences to my own actions and became an adult.

From many of the posts I have read on here and through my own experiences, when a pwBPD reaches out, regardless of how they say they are doing. The main reason for them doing it is similar to 6 year old me. Given that she says life is great but has her future hanging in the balance through her own actions a) she might need someone to offload that on b) she needs to know someone cares because she isn't getting that supply anywhere else or the supply she has is painted black if they have held her accountable for her actions.

Me and my BPDgf have had a difficult couple of weeks. She has been feeling sorry for herself the past week because she knows and understands her treatment towards me hasn't been fair. The other night I got a call asking for help to answer some technical questions on an email she received. They asked her for a contact number and her address. It wasn't that she couldn't answer, she wanted to see if I still cared enough. 2 days later and it's like nothing ever happened these past couple of weeks.

The irony in all of this, as a parent children try and pull little stunts but we are wise to their actions. Because we have been there once and done the things they do so we understand. However, it's far more difficult to see it or even understand it when it's an adult doing something you would expect from a 6 year old and I think that's what catches us off guard.

You seem very clued up on the situation, her actions and consequences and that one possible reason for reaching out is to offload that emotional trauma she is feeling on to you so she doesn't have to feel it. She has hurt you enough and you don't owe her anything. It's far worse when kids are involved because we do feel an obligation and responsibility towards them, even if they weren't biologically ours.

As my old T once said about the situation (as the kids were my grounding point in an abusive marriage) the hurt and pain the children feel is as a result of her actions, not yours. Children are resilient and in time will want answers when they are old enough to understand and comprehend. When that time comes, you will have the opportunity to have that relationship with them away from the drama and crisis. All you can do for now is continue to heal and grow so that when that day comes you can be a rock for them too.

[downwhim]

Yes, as I am reading this I see that we are all or were all being used. Recycled, repeat, replacement. Their illness is so predictable and pathetic. Someone finally said it here on this thread. We were all USED and will continue to be used if we allow it.