The Benefits of NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have decided to go NC this time I was in LC for a while now 5 months , nothing works my ex is an other state and another state of mind .

Skip mentioned to  me  "you can't make a blind horse see "

I feel stronger and free I know I will have my bad moments but , I am focusing on different things in my life I have a lot to be thankful for enough beating that dead horse !

I don't want to ,every time I get a ring think it's her , she will eventually. but on her terms and I am ready for that term if it ever comes .

They hurt as much as we do , they fake it , I just learned that yesterday on here , made a difference to the way I think of her she is no longer my boss , she fired me and hire a new guy . I am the new boss of me now .

I see no need to be in contact anymore it doesn't do us no good .

Going NC it's a win win situation .

I hope I helped someone on here .

What is your Take on the NC process ?

[guy4caligirl]

I have decided to go NC this time I was in LC for a while now 5 months , nothing works my ex is an other state and another state of mind .

Skip mentioned to  me  "you can't make a blind horse see "

I feel stronger and free I know I will have my bad moments but , I am focusing on different things in my life I have a lot to be thankful for enough beating that dead horse !

I don't want to ,every time I get a ring think it's her , she will eventually. but on her terms and I am ready for that term if it ever comes .

They hurt as much as we do , they fake it , I just learned that yesterday on here , made a difference to the way I think of her she is no longer my boss , she fired me and hire a new guy . I am the new boss of me now .

I see no need to be in contact anymore it doesn't do us no good .

Going NC it's a win win situation .

I hope I helped someone on here .

What is your Take on the NC process ?

[willtimeheal]

Going NC was one of the hardest things I have done. I would like to think in the three months I have gone NC she thinks about me and has tried to contact me but I realize she probably hasn't. There is a replacement... .so no need for me. NC is a time to work on yourself. Go do things you enjoy even if you have to force yourself to do them. I started running, seeing friends, joined a gym, got back into work, and started to date here and there. At first I cried a ton and felt sick to my stomach. But then it started to get better. I started noticing little things. Like if I was talking and laughing with someone at work I could enjoy the moment. Before if she saw me laughing with someone at work it meant I wanted to sleep with them. Going to the gym and not looking at my watch thinking I better get back soon or she will rage at me. Once you start to notice those little things then you start to see how free you feel. And although you want them back and want to hear from them, I know I do, I also realize I never want to go back to that eggshell stress feeling again. I still cry when I need to and I wonder and wish but I do know I can never go back to the toxic person. It would destroy me this time. Six years was enough.

[fromheeltoheal]

What is your Take on the NC process ?

NC is a process, good description.  'Going NC' gets elevated to a Thing around here, and when we're freshly out of a traumatic relationship that is as it should be, use the tools people you are turning to for help tell you to use, without question and with faith, and it's important because sometimes the only way to extract ourselves from an enmeshment with a mental illness is complete disconnect.

But then, after a while, Going NC loses its power as a Thing, and as we get our feet back on the ground, start to look at things objectively, and reestablish boundaries, we decide that people who are rude to us, lie to us, cheat on us, abuse us, try to manipulate and control us, are not welcome in our lives anymore, so we remove them and replace them with people we respect and trust, and who respect and trust us, people we can be ourselves around, express our vulnerability in safe places, show up as our true selves and be accepted and loved exactly the way we are.  Time in hell allows us to appreciate those things more, it adds value to them and makes protecting them important; it's a brand new world.

[Skip]

What is your Take on the NC process ?



How does a bone heal?

Chondroblast cells make cartilage and help in bone healing after a break. Hard callus a hard bump that forms around a fracture when a bone is broken and healing and hold things in place. Osteoclast cells in your body break down bone material in order to reshape and connect it.

And then there is the wooden crutch - no contact.  It plays a role. And there are alternative for different situations like wheelchairs, and walking casts, traction, and boots, rods, and splints... .

What really heals us after these relationships is a process... .expressing the emotion (exhausting it), breaking it down and understanding what it is and what is behind the anger/sorrow (chondroblast cells), critically understanding what really happened / seeing who we are and why we travel this path (callus), and making changes in the way we think and look at things (osteoclast cells).

Ok, weird analogy... .but I'm sure you get the idea.  The wooden crutch, or the wheelchairs, and walking casts, traction, and boots, rods, or splints only aid the process - they are not the process at all.  

It's easy to lose sight of this. And we have seen members go no contact and heal and we have seen members go no contact and indulge every bad habit that is causing them to struggle and "no contact" themselves right into the next problematic relationship.

It's important to know what the process is and keep it in mind.  Reach and extend yourself everyday (not just vent emotion - there is far more to it than that). And select the right tools to help us and know that varies by relationship and changes with time during the healing process.

[guy4caligirl]

... .So skip I gather that I am now out walking on crutches that means I am on my way to recovery and hoping more friends here doing that .

It took sometimes to go through the process of healing , I was not that serious about NC I kept LC no benefit but for her not me .

Finally Got  it !

[Skip]

I am in 5th day of NC and I am proud of it ... .Now it's her turn to wonder why I am giving her the silent treatment she didn't care when she exercise her silent towards me why should I ?

guy4caligirl,

You were on the crutches before - November 1 - trying to kick field goals.  

Are you on the way to healing now?  :)on't measure it by not talking to her for a few days - measure it by where you are in the process. Dig a little deeper. Look at the process. Are you still hoping to recover the relationship?  It's OK. Where you are is where you are.  It's most important to know.  To be truthful with yourself.  Know what you're working with.

Where are you?

[Loveofhislife]

Thanks, Skip for the analogy and Guy4Cali--thanks for the question. 

Human beings have different paths for learning and understanding.  I've been told I'm a "tactile" learner.  Skip, the metaphor of how bones heal and the role of crutches probably makes more sense to me than many other things I have read and tried to understand.

My T gets frustrated with me sometimes, because I attempt to understand things intellectually and not "FEEL" them:  running from and denying "bad" feelings which I have been doing my entire life. So, instead of trying to kick field goals with crutches, I've been trying to run down the field and probably re-injuring myself.

For me, this is a one day at a time thing.  I started out thinking of NC as a "crash diet" where I was "white knuckling" my way through each waking moment.  Now I see that "NC IS FOR ME" and for my healing.

Thanks to all, loveofhislife learning to be the loveofmylife 

[fromheeltoheal]

And for me, metaphors have limitations and it's more helpful to just accurately explain what's going on, the way it is.  Think about how someone makes you feel: if they make you feel badly about yourself, life, the world, whatever, remove them from your life, if they make you feel good about yourself, life, the world, keep them in your life, and add new ones.  It's really no more complicated than that, although when we're enmeshed with a mental illness it can be tough to see the forest for the trees (oh crap a metaphor, OK, the Big Picture?), and it takes a while out of it to process all the crap that went down and develop new understandings, which need to be focused on ourselves.  And as we do that, along with adding empowering people to our lives, healing happens.

[willtimeheal]

When I started NC I used to count the days. I can't even tell you what day I am on anymore. I know I am about three months out. But as I move along the process of NC the number of days no longer matters, I am feeling better and getting better so counting doesn't matter... .that's how I know I am on the right track.

[myself]

NC helps with clearing your head, taking yourself out of the game, and finding ways to control your life instead of being controlled. To loosen your grip on things held onto too tightly, and to change patterns that lead to unnecessary pain. In the best of ways it's like being in a room full of mirrors. Not a cage to lock yourself into, but a path to personal freedom. It's not an escalator or conveyor belt, as you need to take your own steps to get where you're going. The process sheds illusions, not accumulates them.

[guy4caligirl]

I am in 5th day of NC and I am proud of it ... .Now it's her turn to wonder why I am giving her the silent treatment she didn't care when she exercise her silent towards me why should I ?

guy4caligirl,

You were on the crutches before - November 1 - trying to kick field goals.  

Are you on the way to healing now?  :)on't measure it by not talking to her for a few days - measure it by where you are in the process. Dig a little deeper. Look at the process. Are you still hoping to recover the relationship?  It's OK. Where you are is where you are.  It's most important to know.  To be truthful with yourself.  Know what you're working with.

Where are you?

Now I think I am at a point where I know she doesn't not care for me anymore , the leave alone, don't contact me, sunk in my brain if I had the craziness she had and replaced her I will be acting just like her !

My brain got it, and it  finally reached the top of my heart still more to empty my heart totally from her .

Yes I have tried everything and I remember saying that Nov ( btw you are good Skip ) you take notes  

The you can't make a blind horse see sunk in also .

Now I am still hoping for her to wake up , the pattern she did is known to me ,but of course she has to see it for herself when I have no idea!

I say it's winter time holidays do not bother me , time is on my side , I live in a resort area winter sucks , but hey spring will come again  NC always  it's quite an accomplishment when we respect and stick with NC , and when I get use to it

it will be SS smooth sailing !

[Rifka]

Thanks to all, loveofhislife learning to be the loveofmylife  

Loveofmy life,

I'm so happy to see this! I called you on that months ago with your name, love that you are getting there!

Rifka

[ziniztar]

I noticed a few days ago that contact wasn't working for me, because it kept throwing me back to the start when I am heading for the finish line. I felt guilty about NC, thought I'd be to do all this. I was already quite proud I decided to end things, so contact could be the least I was able to offer, as I had promised him not everyone will leave him. So I couldn't completely leave.

And then I realize I had to really end the LC for my own good. That feeling guilty made me convince him to stay in the r/s while he was already giving up on himself, and us. But he wouldn't listen then, nor will he now, and it's only keeping me back.

So, NC is the start of something and LC will only cause false starts. I can see why it's required if you have children, or a house, or other stuff to take care off. But once that is done, go NC, so you can start off the next chapter of your life with a fresh start. Yet you can't start that next chapter if you keep re-reading the last one, so change really is required...

[Deeno02]

Like some of you, I used to count the days, now I dont. I like that. Stuff still settles wrong at times for me, but I reflect back to the pain and the bad things said to my daughter during her break up rage at me. My ex wasnt right, and wont ever be and I know, even while it still hurts like hell, I cant have that in my life anymore. I couldnt survive that again. No Contact means for me, just that. Im not putting myself in a position anymore to BE in contact with her. Avoiding? Perhaps, but right now its what I need to have. Im not a hermit, but I dont put myself in any situation that may cause a recycle or contact. Im still on those crutches, but my walk is becoming more steady. Im not healed by any means, dont know that I will and I still have moments of intense hurt, confusion, second guessing and anxiety, but nowhere near where I was in September. Thank god for that. And thank you all as well... .

[guy4caligirl]

I am really content and proud of myself even though it's been a short time in NC I wonder how would it be in a month .

I don't even want to answer her back if she ever contact me it's not worth it she was