question about projection

[hattrick]

When my ex broke up with me she cited all sorts of ridiculous reasons. I'm wondering if the things she accused me of are things she projected onto me.

She told me:

I feel like you don't like my children. (I love her children and she's even told co-workers that one of the reasons she loved me was because I loved her kids). Could it be that sometimes she doesn't like her kids.

I feel like you don't want me to spend time with my mom. ( I've never had a problem with her "mom time". I've even volunteered to take her to see her mom and often suggested she call her mom at times). Could it be that she is tired of driving all the way to see her mom all the time? Her mom lives about an hour and a half away.

I feel like you don't like my tattoos. (She had tats when we started going out and she got more since. 3 of them I took her to get and 2 of them she got for us as a couple. I've often commented on my favorite one she has). Could it be that she regrets some of them?

When we go out I feel like sometimes you judge me when I have a drink. (I don't drink but have never had a problem with her having one. I buy them for her). Could it be that she feels shame when she drinks?

There are more but I'm just thinking all the problems she cited could be things she doesn't like about herself projected onto me. These were all complaints I had never heard till the night of our breakup.

[Turkish]

I think you're onto something picking up on shame. Projection is an unhealthy coping mechanism used to deal with feelings one can't confront. Shame is at the core of the disorder.

When we had more contact, my Ex would still engage in it. X happened, "I feel like we're bad parents!" She was including me in how she felt, and was invalidating me by telling me his to feel. "I'll take the kids. I know they can be overwhelming. You probably need a break."

She was telling me how she felt, and trying to include me in her feelngs in order to soothe herself. In both cases, no, btw. We think differently.

[Wishfulgirl]

I know there has been plenty of projection in my relationship. But when your partner is the person who knows you better than anyone, at the moment something cutting is said, it is very difficult not to be upset. We both have weight issues. I am overweight and have several medical issues that contribute to that... .no thyroid, meds for diabetes, etc. He is a compulsive overeater and binges on fast food. Never exercises. I ballroom dance, go to the gym and walk. The main reason he is leaving me is because I am fat and he feels he eats too much when he is around me, despite the fact that I only cook healthy foods for him. He loves carbs but not sweets. He refuses to eat a salad when I make it. I eat very small portions and never finish anything. It still stings. I have to work hard to remember that he is projecting.