Twin sister w/BPD and Mother w/NPD

[SeekerOfPeace]

Thank you for being so welcoming!

My therapist has suggested that I seek an online forum for support in dealing with the recent relationship loss with my BPD twin sister. 

[Kwamina]

Hello SeekerOfPeace

Welcome to bpdfamily  So you're dealing with a twin sister with BPD and also an NPD mother  You got a lot on your plate so I think it's very positive that you're looking for ways to better deal with this situation. Taking care of yourself is very important when you have people with BPD in your life. I am glad you have a therapist that can guide you in this process and I'm also glad that you're reaching out for support here. Many of our members also have several people in their family with personality disorders and will be able to relate to you. I myself have an undiagnosed BPD mom and sis and that is quite challenging.

Could you tell us a bit more about your mom and sis, like are they officially diagnosed as having a personality disorder? And what are their behaviors that you find most difficult to deal with?

You specifically mention the 'recent relationship loss' with your sister. What happened exactly?

PS. Great screenname by the way! Ain't we all seeking peace on here... .

[SeekerOfPeace]

Thank you for your introduction and reply to my post.

Both mother and sister are undiagnosed.  Both refuse to be accountable for their behavior, feelings or choices.  Their behaviors that I find most difficult to deal with are:  Twin  sister; compulsive lying, creating triangular relationships, deflection, not taking responsibility for her own choices, using people for her own needs then blaming them for failures, telling other family members untruths to take the focus off of herself, lack of empathy and playing the victim role: Mother; codependency, lacking any communication skills, not taking responsibility, speaking poorly of her own children to other family members and bolting/withdrawing after creating issues then returning as if nothing ever happened, extremely self-absorbed.

I am the youngest of four daughters.  While all of my siblings were together last year during the holidays (happens only once every 10 years) my oldest sister began private conversations with our other sister and me regarding behaviors she observed between my mother and my twin sister that she felt were extremely worrisome.  In a nutshell, emotional abuse and manipulation.  In a scheduled luncheon with just the five of us present we began a discussion with the goal of getting my twin sister out of mothers home.  My mother is an extreme codependent and stayed in an abussive relationship with our alcoholic father far too long.  It wasn't until we were all teenagers and sick of living like hostages under the control of an alcoholic that we aided in his departure.  My sisters and I felt that my twin sister, who had already been living with mom rent  & responsibility free with no boundaries and emotionally abussing her for 7 years, needed to move on.  It was obvious to all of the siblings that my mother (out of obligation and having been bullied) was not able to get her out.  The second born sister had been seeing a therapist seeking help for her own family dynamics and we all agreed to counseling together.  Our agenda was to improve communication skills (as mentioned above, my mom speaks poorly of all of her children to family and friends) and to get to tsBPD to move out.  We attended counseling for 10 months together (Skype for out of country sister) and other than my twin sister finally moving back to the city from where she came (and of course moved in with her adult son & daughter-in-law) nothing else was resolved.  At our final session one sister chose to begin a conversation with my twin (rather than a confrontation which was suggested by the counselor) about her recent lie of having graduated with her BA and becoming a forensic pathologist (she never graduated from high school).  It went around in circles, she never admitted to lying, only justifying and lying more to cover the lie.  Two months later (during this time I had NC with her and that was only the second time in our relationship that I utilized that tactic) she moved, not saying goodbye to anyone.  I've heard from her daughter (with whom I have an excellent relationship) and mutual friends that she is saying "they didn't even say good bye to me" and that I drove her out of our mothers home where she was taking care of our mother (our mother is in excellent physical health and requires no assistance) and of course that she was living with mom so she could earn her degree.  All lies.  if she could just let it lie things would work out but she has chose to come for me.  Gas lighting, playing the victim, using whatever means she can to discredit and destroy me.  I'm sticking to NC and my only response to anyone telling me what she is saying or using her social networks for bad-mouthing is "I love her and I hope she gets the professional help she needs."  I will never forget the emotional pain she has inflicted upon me but I am having a difficult time. 

Thank you again for providing insight and suggestions as well as much needed support.  Yes, we are all seekers of peace!

[Kwamina]

Hi again  

Thanks for answering my questions and providing this extra information. The family situation you describe is complicated and sounds quite stressful and frustrating. I am actually also the youngest of four children (two boys, two girls ). The situation with your alcoholic father of course also didn't make things any easier.

You say that you're sticking to NC. I totally understand that decision, you're first priority should definitely be taking good care of your own emotional and mental wellbeing. Taking care of yourself sometimes indeed means distancing yourself from close family-members like your twin sis. How long have you been NC with your twin sis? Do your other sisters still have contact with her?

[SeekerOfPeace]

Happy holidays! 

I have been in NC with TS for 3 months.  Our birthday passed and with all of the normal social network posting obligations completed and the holidays season almost gone maybe calm is on the agenda for the upcoming year.  I sent her a Christmas gift & received an email thank you that was not in "her" tone and situations like this would usually leave me nervous for her next 'move' but I'm choosing to focus on the really good things around me.  Surprisingly the holidays with my NPD mother, TS not living with her, is happily comfortable and was drama-free (TSBPD phoned on Christmas and when my mom told her we were there she hung up).  Still feeling somewhat abandoned by my older sisters as they've chosen an 'oh well, I've tried" attitude but they continue a superficial relationship with her.  The goal of removing her from Moms home was accomplished, now she's her son's problem, again.